Yup I am under pressure again but still trying to relax and find my way through it
Little man is doing well in my care , very well I'd say BUT a couple of things showed up in my medical for foster panel re previous depression and it is quite serious!
Thing is there were 2 incidences with 14 years between them , the first one I sought help and counselling due to wanting to get rid of my ''baggage'' as had carried it around for years till it hit me in the face! lol
Thing is when it DID all hit me at once it was SO difficult to cope with all at once that I was hospitalised for a while , which at the time was helpful and needed , it was voluntary but I wanted to get well and over time , even once home I really did get rid of all the baggage from my past and felt ''free'' and much ''lighter'' for it ... I had also learnt to be in TOUCH with my emotions which I never was before as was not taught to be ( just to sweep everything under the carpet , till it was such a huge pile I tripped over it! )
Then 3 years ago I had a spate of bed bugs which took me over a year to get rid of them on my own , the council pest control did not treat the place properly and I could not afford to get professionals in so I tackled it all on my own , trying every bed bug treatment on the market , to no avail for months on end , not sleeping well as could feel them crawling on me at night , then waking up to 20 - 30 bites on me at a time which were itchy as hell and my skin NEVER got a chance to heal as there were always new bites on top of the old healed and semi healed ones so my skin was a mess , my house was a mess with bug POWDER which I spread everywhere as a means of treatment but nothing was working
About 4 months in I started feeling low as the pest control people just came in and sprayed the bed for 5 mins then left ... I rang a professional company who said a house of my size should take at LEAST 3 hours to treat properly as they have to get into every nook and cranny the bugs could possibly be hiding in with the poison and that just doing the bed would NOT work ( which it didn't )
I FOUGHT with the pest control dept and even wrote to my MP but to no avail as as far as everyone was concerned ''it had been treated'' ( unaffectively though!! ) so the anxiety , worry and torture of trying to sleep while there are bugs crawling all over me was taking it's toll and 6 months in it got too much and I rang NHS Direct because I was feeling like harming myself , they took me to hospital and I spoke to someone then was discharged afterwards on the same day , I then decided to go and stay with my sister for a week just to have break from it all and recharge , so it helped and I went back home and carried on fighting on my own for a further 8 MONTHS and FINALLY I found a product which WORKED :-) And the bites stopped and I knew I had then got rid of them as no more bites or feeling them crawl on me and no visible signs of them so of course then my mood lifted INSTANTLY as it was a practical problem which needed a practical solution and it was very unfortunate that 1/ Pest control were so ineffective in their ''treatments'' and 2/ I could not afford the professionals! ... But I was DETERMINED to get rid of them on my own as I had to ( some people give up and LIVE with them becuase they are so hard to get rid of! ) because I wanted MY GS TO STAY OVER AGAIN LIKE HE USED TO and that was my motivation as well as getting my home back for myself and so I could do a home swap which of course I could not do with the infestation
It was hard because they reproduce every 2 weeks and can go a year without a feed and still survive hidden away somewhere in your home
The PRESSURE was EXCEPTIONAL and yet it looks so BAD that I was feeling like self harming!!! ... The doctor asked me if it was out of character and I said YES but of course he had to put it on the report
The assessment lady came round and had to ask me about the incident of hospitalisation 17 years ago and I explained why it happened and that at the time I needed it and pretty much took myself to the doctor and ASKED for it , it was not under duress because I know I needed help BUT IT ALL LOOKS SO BAD , HOSPITALISATION AND THREAT OF SELF HARM and I supposed to be a stable and rational person which I AM but this looks all so BAD against me and I am now WORRIED that my GS's placement IS AT RISK!!! 
... I asked the assessment lady if it would count against me and she said ''I don't know'' but her attitude had changed towards me and she seemed disappointed and deflated about things as she probably wasn't expecting this , but apart for those 2 incidences I have a CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH am not on any medication and even with the 3 bereavements last year I did NOT go into a depression even after losing my baby Granddaughter! ... I had my low moments when my GS was in foster care but I did NOT go into a depression ... I actually believe I am a STRONG person and those experiences even though very low and getting THROUGH it made me much stronger and more resiliant , but am scared it will look so BAD now ie ''mental health concerns'' on my report AND all the past old feelings have come BACK since they have all been raked up and I have tried explaining things to the assessor in an e-mail and she said thanks for that she will include it in the report but she seems baffled as how for it not to affect my chances or to have a negative affect on things , it seems she wasn't expecting anything like that to come up , well that may be because I AM WELL lol , but yes have been unwell in the past due to REASONS but I am finding this assessment process SO HARD and my family dynamics aren't ideal either but I do have support and I do ask for help if needed and I am certainly always pro active and a RUDDY FIGHTER , but I still really really need to pass panel for my GS'S SAKE as I KNOW I can do this it has just been hard to have my past failings brought up but I am ONLY HUMAN and I hope by some MIRACLE that it DOESN'T count against me so for those who pray please PRAY that another miracle will happen as it looks BAD but can still work for GOOD ie things CAN still work out favourably but it is going to be a TOUGH ONE as it does not look good ''on paper'' and yet the real me can deal with a NORMAL or even a HIGH amount of stress but those two times of my life were EXCEPTIONAL as in there was an exceptional amount of stress , one all at once at the same time and one every single day week after week , month after month which had a cumulative affect so yes I FELL like a war weary soldier there was only so much I COULD TAKE ... But I GOT UP AGAIN and FOUGHT for another 8 months till I got rid of the suckers and I feel really proud of myself what I have FACED and been through in my life coz I felt like running away but faced it all head on!!
xxx
. Your situation brings an old song to mind: The King's Speech To Announce 'All But The End Of Leasehold System' System'
