Estranged Grandparents .

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

There can be light at the end of even the darkest family tunnel. Many, many years ago, my parents were quite devasted when their DiL broke all contact with them following a nasty divorce brought about by the extremely bad behavior of her husband. She, and her three children were then having to live back with her elderly parents and they just blamed the whole family for the bad behaviour of their (by then) ex-SiL.
My parents were absolutely broken by this. The two elder g.children and they had always had a very happy relationship. Indeed, only upon seeing the announcement of the marriage of the oldest child in a newspaper was I able to take them to see her married, sitting in as a visitor.
By this time, though I had also provided them with g.children to lavish their love on, but knew that nothing I could do could make up for the separation from the others.
When my niece returned from her honeymoon, she contacted my parents and came to see them. She said that whilst living in her other g.parents home, she felt she had to abide by their decision and they remained angry (with good reason) even after those many years. She continued to see her g.parents and they were able to see their first two great g.children and have a relationship with them. Her brother, also picked up a relationship with my parents when he left home.
Must say, I remained angry at their treatment by their DiL's parents. My parents had just as roundly condemned the behavior of their son, and did not understand why they were being punished for what he had done.
My parents, and the other g.parents are all long dead, (as is my brother - (never saw his children again - and he appeared not to care) but I do have contact and regular get-together's with my ex-SiL, and her children (my children's cousins), and their children (and even the next generation down).
Just to say, that time can heal many wounds.

Thankyou Ricorian for letting us hear your good news

We were separated from our three oldest grandchildren following our son's divorce from his first wife.This went on for two years until everything was resolved and our son got access to them.
I was heartbroken during this time but still sent birthday and Christmas cards so they knew they still loved us.We never sent money or presents though incase they never got given them.
when we were re united they acted like it was only the day before since we had last seen them.They are all grown up now but still visit often
there is light at the end of the tunnel

Sorry but there are several living family members on both sides of our grandson's family who would be happy to take him. A mentally ill daughter and a drug abuser (2 time felon, by the way) have been given many chances and screw it up every time. My daughter's stepdad has had it and it is ruining our marriage as I don't want to back off after raising her to do the right thing--only to have her go back to this deadbeat.

Her driving could get my grandson (and maybe daughter) hurt or killed but no one has responded to that point.

Terrygran

It's very, very hard for an abused person to get out of an abusive relationship, for a number of reasons:

1. The victim often suffers from very low self-esteem and may feel that they triggered the abuse.

2. The abuser often assumes control over money.

3. The abuse often escalates and may become homicidal when the victim tries to leave.

The fact that there is a child in the situation makes it even more difficult.

I would recommend just staying out of it. Realistically, if you report them, your grandchild could well end up with NO parents. Do you honestly feel that it's in the child's best interest to completely destroy their family? NO child deserves to live with abuse. But you reported to CPS and that's all you could do. Now you need to leave it to the professionals.

Of course you worry. I'm worried. But it's not as simple as LTB.

Diktat, I completely agree with you. We do not have rights, only privileges, and too often we hear of grandparents expecting to essential be a third parent to their grandchildren and then wondering why they are excluded.

But human relationships are complex and while some exclusions have a good reason, family and personal relationships break-up for all kinds of reasons and sometimes for no reason at all and it is very hard for those excluded whether grandparents, separated parents or others involved in these break-ups.

While agreeing with what you say. I am very aware how devastating these broken relationships are for those who suffer from them and do not know why.

My daughter was severely beaten by her boyfriend in front of my grandson when he was 1 1/2. My 2nd husband and I got her moved out and relocated to a family shelter and other temporary housing. She has mental illness so has County supportive services and is able to work.. The father has drug issues and relapses a lot.
We got a restraining order and helped her rebuild her life but she took him back last year. They have joint legal custody but she has physical custody and he can see the child once week or more--if she allows it but she let him move in! She doesn't drive and has a sitter who doesn't drive. We have been helping them at least twice a week for all this time and with a lot of driving. Now, his license is suspended and she only has a Learner's permit and is not supposed to drive the child alone but my friend said she told her she has been transporting him to the sitter. Boyfriend's license has been suspended.

After we reported that the child's eye looked like he was punched 2 months ago to Child Protective Services, they cut us off from seeing our grandson. They investigated and closed that case.

CPS doesn't get involved in driving in this case and said contact police who suggested we get a detective to get proof of her driving the child alone. This is tearing my marriage up. I don't know whether to try to catch her driving or turn her in for having him illegally in her apartment. My husband says do whatever it takes--even if she has to lose her son.

The boyfriend is very controlling and no close other family see this child.

Nitpick48. That is one of the most ridiculous statements I have ever heard. That just because a mil is a grandparent “her blood is their blood” she should have automatic rights.

Relationships take work. Nothing in life is a given. If the mil is meddling, opinionated and undermining, then she forfeits the right to be actively involved. Nothing - absolutely nothing - trumps the rights of patents to decide what works best for their family.

In your ideal world, how often would a mil see the grandchildren?

My DIL has just this week told me that we are no longer welcome to see our granddaughters anymore. I am heartbroken, can’t stop crying. I have text my son he hasn’t answered, tried ringing he won’t answer. My husband and I have done nothing to deserve this but in a way we knew it was coming as our DIL has wanted us out of his life since they met, she just wants her family in there lives and not us. She has even blocked us on Facebook so we can’t see pictures of them, which maybe is a blessing. I wish he could see what she is doing.I never in a million years thought he would turn out like this. Luckily I have other grandchildren to lavish my affection on never had a problem with my other DILs or my SIL. So good to know we may see them again in the future.

And another thing. We don’t own our children . They are on loan to us, to be loved and treasured and hopefully brought up to be useful members of society. Make the most of your in-laws....we miss being mums!! (unless they’re absolute dragons, then you need to emigrate...)

Without the grandparent there would be no children, no grandchildren. How many children would we have without the grandmother? None. She gave birth to their daddy. Her blood is their blood. How can anyone say she has no rights? We are all family.

Grandparents really need to be conscientious of their “expectations” when dealing with a baby and the new nuclear family that forms around the child. So too often some grandparents offer unsolicited advice, act competitive with the other grands, expect to be involved in everything, send out guilt tripping texts - and quite frankly it can be overwhelming
And too much to bear for the new family.

My mil is like this. And while we currently see her a couple of times a month, I am always weary of her and her intentions because if she had her way, she would be here multiple times a week and would act like a third parent to my child.

Grandparents should not have rights. They have privileges. And these privileges are sometimes removed when they act selfish, entitled and not in the best interests of the family.

Your story inspired me to start a college fund for my granddaughter I’ve never met! Although she is not yet 3, and there’s little hope for reconciliation with my daughter, you’ve rekindled hope that I might have a chance to pass on a partial legacy in the form of education. Wouldn’t it be wonderful?! THANK YOU!

Support for family members cut out of their loved ones lives

"Gabreille* so sorry for your really sad situation. Copy & paste your post, we need to get back to 'our' page on this subject, as we are now on two pages on the same issue!

Relationships
Support for those cut out of their childrens lives

Oh please don't apologize, Gabrielle! It's good to "get it out" and this is certainly a good place to do it! I think you'll find a lot of support and understanding here.

I so feel for you and your son. Clearly, your grandparenting experience is not what you expected it to be. And he is uncomfortable with the amount of time they are spending with her family.

It seems she is from a different culture/ethnic background than your family. Is that correct? Do they live in a different country? I don't mean to scare you but is he worried that she might take the child and go to live there?

Anyhow, about the hotel - Are you sure that DIL wanted to stay there because "she is not comfortable coming to your home?" If so, I know that must hurt - it would hurt me, too. But is it possible she has just decided she would like more privacy? It's still disappointing that she won't stay with you, I know, but it may not be personal.

That doesn't explain her only wanting you to visit briefly, though, if you people were supposed to be celebrating a birthday. It does sound as if she is trying to push you away and focus only on her own relatives. My heart aches for you!

It's good, I think, that you're not making an issue out of it or putting pressure on DS to rectify the situation. Since he seems to be unhappy with it, himself, perhaps, in time, he will make an effort to change it. Or maybe he already is, but he hasn't/they haven't figured it all out yet. Hopefully, it will all get better as time goes on... Patience...

Hello everyone,

Reading your stories has helped me a little with what I am going through right now.

My son and his wife live roughly 200 miles from me. They are both high fliers, and always seemed very content with that lifestyle. I have some health problems, which means travelling alone is not possible. I saw them fairly regularly though, my son probably more so, and they came away on holidays with me. From the beginning, I felt that my son's wife held something of herself back. I have two sons, and the three of us have always been very close, particularly since I was widowed some years ago. At first, I think I over compensated with her, buying gifts, hoping for a mum/daughter relationship. Finally, I accepted that it wasn't to be, and we settled into what I thought was a comfortable relationship.

To my - and their - absolute delight, they had the most gorgeous little girl, who is now two years old. I have seen her just twice, the last time when she was nine months old. During both those visits, it became glaringly obvious that my daughter-in-law resented my even asking to hold her, let alone help feed or change her. I just put it down to new mum stuff, and didn't show how hurt I was.

However, she has now decided that she is not comfortable coming to my home, and a recent birthday celebration was cancelled because she apparently said the only way she would come is if they stayed in an hotel, and I could visit briefly.

She is from another country, and it appears that she only wants the little one to know her family, and their culture. They spend weeks at a time there, and will be there through Christmas and the New Year.

I am beyond heartbreak, as is my son. I have told him that I will not make a fuss, or do anything to cause him unhappiness, or put more pressure on him. It breaks my heart though, because he seems so lost. We are in constant contact, but of course, it feels like I have lost him too. I miss him.

Sorry for the epistle, but I just needed to get it out.

But it did help wendysue it really did !

Thanks for hugs and sending them back and wishing peace mind of anyone either on here or reading it who is facing sadness at this time of year especially.

Glad you appreciated my words, celeb and Yoga. But I realize nothing I say can really help - wish it could.

Just sending more hugs again to everyone here who is hurting...

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Wendysue just got to say thank you for taking time and trouble to read our posts and comment InSuch thoughtful way had to call my dh to read your post he was amazed !

Your are 100% Tor and I pushed each other to the limits and being the mum I will always regret my part in it I should have been more tolerant and let things go at times.

We pray one day she will soften but after 7 years of course it would be difficult Denise Roberts on this morning said it is never too late but is it ?
Who knows. Have to keep a little hope alive don't we.
I do believe she is manipulated by my s I law.

So we reach another Xmas without her and despite all well meant advice my dear husband chose next voucher for each one and we chose 3 cards do hope they get to see them.

At least it can go on my gravestone I never gave up!

Rhinestone glad you feeling bit better yogagirl chocolate has feel good ingredient tahrs why we crave it at times !

I have v s ore throat and not even dressed yet let Graham have car and no acquacise feeling horrid!
Hope Improve meant be Xmas shopping tomorrow!

Did Tor godmother pedicure yesterday didn't feel great she cancelled as got returns of her cough but I agreed to do her feet as not time to rebook before Xmas. Can't blame her bugs for this tho!

Smileless don't go to oz for good! Would be awful but mustn't be selfish.
Our son suggests us moving near him he is 200miles away but our life is here in frinton!

Thank you Wendysue
I would do anything to have them all back in my life, but it can only come from my EstD now, and that will only be when she is no longer with her nasty husband & his mother.
I watched a programme on brainwashing, it was horrendous, but it did make me think of my EstD. The first thing the lady had to do was cut out her mother that she was very close to. It was a religious cult, she was there for 5yrs! She went back to her mother and I think it took just 6weeks to deprogramme, she then had to get her C back from them, she then sued and got million! It's on Really channel17, think it's Wednesday, I record everything so...
I made the mistake, after 3months of trying to get back with my D&GC in the nicest of ways, of going to court for visitation order to see my GC. In my statement, that he saw, I stated, that in my opinion, he (s.i.L) is a narcissistic paronoid schizophrenic, due to his drugs addiction. So there is no way I will see my EstD&GC whilst she is with him.
My ND showed me an article in a paper, online, about Diane from Blue peter, in the same situation as us and the only reason she went public with her story is because her s.i.L took a restraining order out on her, so she said she needed to clear her name. The s.i.L even moved his girlfriend into their (Diane's D) home and made Diane's D sleep on the settee! Diane's D stayed as s.i.L told her she would loss her C !!

Oh, wait, Yoga, I forgot, you have already disinherited EstD and S, so I doubt you feel there's any point in trying anything else. So sorry that it has come to this.

Also thinking that if you "cry every day," even if just in your heart, it might be a good idea to seek counseling, as some others have mentioned. Maybe even grief counseling, if that makes sense, b/c as some have said, there has been "loss" here and the feelings you have are a form of grief. Counseling can't change that, of course, but it may help you get past this very active stage of grief that you seem to be in, if, again, that makes any sense.

Wishing you and everyone here peace this Christmas...

Oh, celebgran, please don't worry about sounding "morbid." I imagine it's hard not to when telling these sad stories. I understand that they are just one part of a person's life, even if a big part for some.

Hope your ct scan results are good. Glad there was no waiting and that you had such a great Xmas meal with your friends later!

Glad you're able to laugh and enjoy Xmas with all its decorations and so on! Glad that you'll see your son on Xmas and that you have this to look forward to.

Rereading your earlier post, it seems as if in that last conversation, you and Tor both pushed each other to the edge. And then she got caught at something she didn't want to admit to, so she just pulled away. If I were in your shoes, I probably wouldn't expect that to last "forever" either. How sad that she can't get past that. I don't want to raise false hopes, but maybe, in time, she will.

Yoga, rereading your post, I was thinking that you were trying to help and, sadly, it backfired. Do you think it would be worth reaching out to EstD one more time and just saying you're sorry you got in the middle? That you were trying to help but now realize you made some mistakes (or however you would word it)? And that you're sorry you got others involved? Maybe these specifics would work better than a more general apology? I'm not saying you were at fault in any way. Just trying to think of what you could say that might soften her heart.

Or maybe you're done trying. After four years, I certainly understand that.

I'm glad you have a good relationship with your ND. I know that probably doesn't fill the entire void but I hope it fills some of it. Hope you have a good Xmas!

Thanks wendysue and sorry we aren't normally so morbid! I was just putting you in pictures.

Today has been lovley well I was nervous had ct scan at hospital but was good no waiting then we had amazing. Xmas meal with good friends at local pub.

We are looking forward to Xmas with our son and have put decorations up,life really isnt so bad! My son rang last. Night and managed to make me laugh! We have x as angel that is lit and. He always said tacky so did Tor well I said its up and working he said are you bringing it, good idea I said, oh well cant guarantee it's safety! Bless him.

Feeling more positive hope you are yogagirl I know is tough for smilless at moment.

Oh, celebran and Yoga, this is all so heartbreaking!

Not much to say beyond that, except that I'm glad you have other good family relationships, at this point, and I hope you continue to enjoy those.