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Estranged Grandparents .

(89 Posts)
riclorian Mon 23-Nov-15 14:05:56

To all grandparents who have been stopped from seeing their grandchildren -----please take heart .We were stopped from seeing our 2 grandsons 14yrs ago .The older one of the two was made to leave home after 2 yrs (by our ex daughter in law ) a few weeks before his gcse exams ! Consequently we have been able to help and encourage him with his career , and see him very often , We saw and heard nothing of his brother although we regularly sent cards and cheques for birthdays etc.with no response from him in all those years .Then suddenly in March this year we had a phone call from him asking to see us ,we saw him then for 2 hours and he recently spent a weekend with us ---we all had a wonderful time .We were very careful to answer any questions honestly without being critical of his mother in any way .he then said he had been lied to about us in all those years .So please do take heart this can, and will I hope happen for you.

Lellyb Mon 23-Nov-15 19:31:01

How lovely for you riclorian.????

rosesarered Mon 23-Nov-15 19:39:03

That's good to know!

Wendysue Thu 26-Nov-15 03:54:00

How wonderful for you riciorian! How kind of you, too, to share this note of hope with others! I'm not estranged from my GC, fortunately, but I know some GPs who are. They would see this as a good omen. I hope you don't mind if I tell them about it.

Obviously, DIL has issues with her sons now, the same way she did with you. Perhaps the same is true with your son, even if he just goes along with her. It's great that you're able to help the older GS! What loving GPs you must be!

It's odd though that the younger one believes you and DH over his parents. I'm sure you're telling the truth and they haven't been, but why would he think that? He must have had other experiences with their lying to him.

I have to admit I'm sorry your GSs are in such conflict with their parents. However, I'm glad they feel they can turn to you and DH and that it all led to this joyous reconciliation!

Leticia Thu 26-Nov-15 06:09:15

I think that everyone should take heart. Children grow up, and if they have difficult parents they generally realise this in the end, and once they are old enough they can make their own relationships. It is sad that grandparents miss the childhood part, but at least they have a future.
So pleased for you.

Falconbird Thu 26-Nov-15 06:30:11

A heartening story riclorian. smile

I had an auntie that my mother loathed and did everything in her power to
keep us apart.

When I reached my late 40s I contacted her, she was delighted, and we had some lovely conversations on the 'phone. Things were really great and I was looking forward to getting to know her better. My mum was furious.

We were alike in looks and interests (which is a reason my mum was so jealous of her.)

Sadly she passed away not long after our first contacts.

Life's too short for all the falling out in families. I was deprived of an auntie that I would have loved to have had in my life.

I have two gc who I see regularly and one that I see rarely. I think it's sad that this has happened (family rift after my Dh passed away) and I'm doing everything I can to improve the situation.

Shadows Thu 26-Nov-15 14:33:44

Hi, after a family fall out I am now alienated from my grandson so I have decided to fight not just for myself but for every alienated grandparent. If you live in the UK please sign this petition then ask your friends to sign and share it. Its time the law in the UK was changed to give grandparents the right to see their grandchildren petition.parliament.uk/petitions/111520

janeainsworth Thu 26-Nov-15 15:24:18

How do you want the law to be changed, shadows?
Not every grandparent is a figure of benevolence.
If you go on mumsnet you'll find many parents describing how their own parents abused them when they were young, and continue to do so into their children's adulthood. Should those grandparents have a 'right' to have access to their grandchildren?
I am not for one minute suggesting that applies to your own situation, but sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for.

riclorian Thu 26-Nov-15 16:23:38

I am sorry to bore you all again ,but I dont think my previous message was quite clear .My son and his wife were divorced 14yrs ago and he ,like us, was prevented from seeing his sons .He has now formed a very close relationship with the elder boy and we are very hopeful that this will also happen with the younger one .
Once again Good Luck to all estranged grandparents -------dont give up hoping and trying .God Bless .

Luckygirl Thu 26-Nov-15 16:30:48

Heavens above Falconbird - as if losing your OH were not enough. You have all my good wishes and kind thoughts. flowers

elena Thu 26-Nov-15 21:45:07

That's great news for you, OP. smile

As for the petition- absolutely no way will I sign that. GPs don't have a 'right' to see their grandchildren. It's a privelege and a gift to have gc in one's life, not a right.

Shadows Fri 27-Nov-15 10:44:40

Hi jeanainsworth & elena,

I would like to see the law change to allow grandparents to see their grandchildren only if the child is NOT at risk from the grandparent. I would expect every case to looked into individually.
So many grandparents become alienated from their grandchildren because of divorce or because of a family breakdown and it is not fair on the children or the grandparents especially if the grandparents have been a regular part of the child's life. Grandparent alienation has had a devastating affect on me I went through depression, grieving and suicidal thoughts. I had to take two months off work as I could not function properly, I spent all day crying and I could not eat or sleep. I needed counselling to help me get to where I am today which isn't a good place its a better place than where I previously was. If alienation has had this affect on me God only knows how it has affected my grandson, he's only 5 and I have been in his life since the night he was born. I have been stopped seeing him purely out of spite.....because my son-in-law CAN! My grandson must wonder why I don't go to see him anymore and that breaks my heart. I fell out with my son-in-law NOT MY GRANDSON so why should he have to suffer.
I have not been on Mumsnet but as a mother myself I find it very disturbing that children are abused. I have been a nursery nurse for over 20 years and safeguarding children is my priority.
Although grandparents do not have any rights they can play a significant role in a child's life as well as giving them a link to their heritage (only if they are not a danger to the child as I have previously stated).There will always be people who oppose new laws and i am sure they will have very valid points.

According to the Duluth Wheel of Child Abuse 'Isolating children from their grandparents is abuse'
www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/Abuse%20of%20Children.pdf

janeainsworth Fri 27-Nov-15 11:53:58

Shadows I am very sorry for the pain you have been through and are still going through, and I have no wish to pry, but I can't help thinking that if an argument with your SiL has resulted in loss of contact with your DGS, you have no contact with your daughter either?

harrigran Fri 27-Nov-15 11:56:19

Have to agree with elena. By insisting all GPs have a right to see GC it could cause more problems than it solves.
How you reacted to the alienation gives me cause for concern.

Shadows Fri 27-Nov-15 12:29:07

My daughter has changed since she has been with her husband. I believe she has been brainwashed against her family. She does not have any friends now either. She lives near his family and these are the only people she see's.

Harrigran how do you mean it gives you cause for concern?

janeainsworth Fri 27-Nov-15 12:37:24

Shadows The problem then is that you are alienated from your daughter as well as your SiL - I think any law allowing anyone to see their grandchildren against both parents' wishes would just make that situation worse, and would be difficult to enforce.

Shadows Fri 27-Nov-15 12:50:17

Your right Jane but i have to do something and my petition probably wont change the law but at least i can tell my grandson I TRIED!

janeainsworth Fri 27-Nov-15 13:35:04

I hope you are reunited with him Shadows flowers

Shadows Fri 27-Nov-15 13:44:26

Thank you Jane

miep Fri 27-Nov-15 19:38:16

All 3 of my daughters tell people I am dead, so that they don't upset daddy dearest , with whom they live...he's been 'depressed' for the last 40 years so they can do as they like and no need to work etc as he hands over £ for a quiet life.

Misty22 Fri 27-Nov-15 21:35:19

Hi everyone,
I wonder how many of you rely on Facebook to know how their grandchildren are doing through photos posted by their parents. I am one more grandma who rarely sees her grandchildren as the parents are always too busy to let me join in with leisure or family activities.

elena Sat 28-Nov-15 15:31:07

I would be absolutely devastated to be isolated from my grandchild (and the one on the way).

But this is not something for the law - the law is a very blunt instrument when it comes to family relationships.

My heart goes out to you, Shadow, but forcing a relationship against the parents' wishes is a terrible position to put a small child in, who could only be affected very negatively.

The law is not a way of preventing cruel and controlling behaviour, at least not in these cases.

Luckylegs9 Sun 29-Nov-15 12:38:03

Ricorian, what wonderful news, seeing your beloved grandchildren again,also for your son to be part of their lives. So many partners use their children as weapons and hopefully when the children grow up they will make up their own minds. You kept the lines of communication open with cards and gifts, I have known people keep things sent to themselves and not let the children know how much they are loved, but one day they will find out. I personally don't believe in going to court for access, as even if it is granted the parent can make it so difficult for visits that it is do unfair on the children. You behaved with such dignity under heartbreaking circumstances and I am so very pleased for you. I hope that all those going through such a trauma, the strength to carry on and that one day justice will prevail.

Elrel Sun 29-Nov-15 12:55:17

I had a similar experience for about a year so know the heart wrench involved. Grandparents don't have legal rights as several posters have said.
When I volunteered in an access centre it was stressed that it actually was the child's access to their parent, not vice versa, which was paramount.

Yogagirl Sun 29-Nov-15 18:50:23

Thank you Ricorian for sharing your good news, yes it's heartwarming to hear, but having to wait till they have grown! I had to stop myself from crying.
Shadow my story is the same as yours(brainwashing). My daughter & granddaughter lived with me, we had a very close and loving special bond. My granddaughter loved me as much as I loved and adored her, I chose her name, I was the second person to hold her after her birth (father not in the pic) and she was named after me, her middle & last, them being my only names made it very special. I loved and adored my daughter too.
Then my daughter met her now nasty husband. He lived with me too, for about 6mnths, I had no problems with him and didn't know he had a problem with me until I was cut out! My granddaughter's stepdad even took the poor little mites name away and replaced it with his grandmothers, her being no relation to my granddaughter what-so-ever! His mother (my D m.i.l) even sent me emails telling me what a wonderful time she was having watching my GD grow up and how she and her son would make sure I never see her again! Reason? Jealousy!

Into the fourth year now and I am still in trauma, I still cry each and every day, my eyes don't tear but my heart cries buckets :,-(