Son told me there will be no grandchildren

Things do change wannabe so don't give up. I do think its the choice of your son and his wife, you should not tell them how you feel. Can you do some voluntary work with children e.g. helping with reading or supporting a child with disabilities. There are so many people you could help, grandchildren are not the be all and end all of life. I know this is GN but there are others on here who are not grandparents.

I understand and at least your son told you. We have been left in a guessing game for years because it's their choice and no discussion with us. I am very sad, maybe even a bit annoyed. I'm wondering if it's a type of mourning we are going through.

I think you should consider starting a NotaGransnet or similar site.

As someone who was laid back and even sometimes ambivalent at being a mother and when finally becoming pregnant made a reasonable job of it - I was told by our daughter that her cat would be the closest we would ever come to being grandparents. Not that we had ever asked when the patter of non furry feet might be heard ! And my response (made in fun) was that I would be more excited if she was getting a puppy !

Now guess what - the first grandchild is due in April and we are thrilled - particularly for her and her partner, and will give their little family all the support we can, within reason.

So don't give up on it altogether. The fact they have announced it is the reason I daresay you feel so distraught, and I really feel for you.
But try and fill this grandchild shaped void you have in your life right now. Spend what you would have spent on any grandchildren on yourself ! Or take a trip abroad - a treat for yourself or to help a Children's project. Anything but dwelling on this unwelcome bit of news.

DD told me when she was twelve that she had no intention of having children. She has been married for twenty three years to a man who did not want children either. DD is 47 next month, there are no children and I am absolutely fine with their decision. I also have two sisters who have not had children and half of my aunts and uncles remained childless.

You're welcome, Smileless!

And thanks for the flowers!

Thank you Wendysue

So sorry you feel like this. I am a childless step grandparent and understand implicitly the terrible pressure put on couples to have children. I endured hints, interference and judgements on that for decades. At the end of the day being a grandparent is not a right. Whilst I can "feel" the angst in your posting I hope you can learn to rejoice in your sons relationship whatever personal decisions are made by him and his partner.

Smileless, I love the way you're using the cake analogy here.

Meanwhile, I'm going to say the same thing to you that I said to bid - while I don't think you should get your hopes up too much, ODS and DIL might, in time, decide to adopt. Maybe they've already decided not to, but maybe, after they've had more time to adjust to the reality of their situation, they will choose to go the adoption route. Who knows?

Jaima, thanks for explaining about the "only child" assumption. You are probably right.

Bid, I feel so deeply for you. And even more so for DD and SIL, of course. Such deep disappointment! Perhaps they'll decide to turn their lives in other directions, LuckyGirl mentioned. Or maybe, in time, they'll look into adoption.

So hey, that means there's still a chance that you'll have a GC. But as I know you know, that's not your call. And they need time to come to terms w/ the current disappointment and lick their wounds, etc.

For now, IMO, you need to turn your attention around to other areas. What are your other interests, if any? Draw on them to start a new hobby or resume an old one. Throw yourself more into your work (if you're still working). Travel. Join an organization that you've always cared about but never had time for. Maybe try volunteer work. Would volunteering w/ families/children, in some way, help (cuz at least you'd be impacting the next generation) or hurt (make you more "lonely" for your own)?

Linda, the same suggestions may help you.

While I haven't been in this position, I understand it must be very hard. (((Hugs)))

I would have been upset too if my son or daughter had told me they did not want children.
Like others have said - it is something they may change their mind over but for now I think it is best to accept that they mean what they say and don't pin your hopes on anything.
My eldest sister was very upset when her DD told her she would not be having any babies. She just did not feel it was what she wanted. She met and lived with a man who had a little boy and was happy to be a step mum and took her role very seriously and helped bring the boy up, but 17 years later she still has not changed her mind about having her own child and is now 45.
It could be that they have told you that babies are no in their plans so that you don't keep hinting or hoping. I know quite a lot of would be grans do hint ?!

Luckygirl, your niece's story is a familiar one as I have two friends who tried and failed IVF and decided enough and made changes to their lives, as you said, new hobbies, travelling etc. It's worked for them.
As this forum shows, many of us aren't grandparents and some who are, have become estranged from their adult children with the result there is no contact between them.
The pressures and health risks to mother and child from IVF is often ignored or understated.
If we can make the best of what life chucks at us, we are blessed.

My niece tried IVF for many years and at great detriment to her health and normal life. Eventually they decided that enough was enough and they turned their lives around. They moved house, got a dog and started new hobbies and planned some travel. They have a different lifestyle from that which they expected, but they really are very happy.

I know it is tough, but sometimes it is best to move on and embrace a change of plans. I admire them hugely.

I am sorry bid106y that you and your family are facing this disappointment and hope that your DD can move on from this. I do know what a difficult time it can be, but I hope my niece's story will give you hope.

I am feeling very sad. My DD has had IVF treatment and it has not worked.
I don't know how to help her because the thought of no grandchildren is so painful to me. I don't want to convey my distress to her as she is upset already. All her friends are having babies and this just makes it the more difficult.
My son and partner are both focussed on their careers and as they are approaching 40, I don't think I will ever be a grandparent.
My friends want to tell me about their wonderful grandchildren and they don't know how painful this is.

Anyone any coping strategies? Right now I am very tearful and down but normally I am very positive

Hello wannabe I "felt absolute emptiness inside" last year when our DS told us that due to circumstances beyond their control it was highly unlikely that he and his lovely wife would have children.

His younger brother, our only other child has 2, one of 4 the other just 2 months, and as he cut us out of his life over 3.5 years ago, we are unable to be grand parents to those little boys.

We never expected to be grand parents, just hoped one day we would be and to be told that this will not be the case can be devastating, as it was for us at the time. We've found though that this being the case has led us to consider our future plans in ways we wouldn't necessarily have considered. It's opened up new possibilities for us, perhaps given us a new beginning as we contemplate never being grandparents.

It was our estrangement that bought me to GN, and one thread in particular. I've never looked at this forum before because I thought it would be too painful but I'm so glad I came on here today and saw your post.

None of us know what the future holds, our DS and d.i.l. may be successful if they have the courage, and it will take courage, to try and face the likelihood of disappointment. Sadly their possible success is more likely than a reconciliation with our other son. Your son and d.i.l. may change their minds, many do but in the meantime enjoy what you have; GC may be the icing in the cake but at least we have our cake.

I've just spent the weekend feeling sad about how little time I've spent with my little granddaughter since she was born. I feel quite selfish about it because I do have two other grandchildren that I have spent lots of time with from when they were born, but I longed for a granddaughter and the reality just isn't anything like I was expecting. I do get invited to see her sometimes but she very rarely comes to my house and I've never spent any time reading to her or playing with her toys. Any access is very supervised by her mum; I daren't say anything for fear of causing a rift.

Same here. Daughter was 35 when she had her first child.

An interesting thread. It seems that just as there is no such thing as a 'normal' family there's no such thing as normal grandparenting either.

We downsized on the basis that for various reasons after all had been married many years, no GC were in the offing. We now have four. It's early days.

I did not expect GC.
The subject was the elephant in the room.

Ds and dil very early 40s.. Both very successful professionals. Then one night we got 'the phone call ' !!
They live 8000 miles away.
Tonight we have agreed dates for a visit and in a few months will travel across the world for some real cuddles .

p.s. wannabe don't tell the other GNers' but my doggie has a doggie moses basket, a pet stroller (pram), clothes (pyjamas, jumpers, coats), baby snuggle toys, blankets. But just keep it between us. Her picture is on my profile, she's a Maltese/Yorkshire cross, nearly 7 years old now but had her since she was 6 weeks, totally gorgeous. She comes on holiday with me, just me and her.

wannabe Do you have any pets? It might be a bit off the mark but when I am feeling a bit down over the DGC, then I snuggle my doggie that little bit more. Maybe look into getting a puppy who needs your attention, love and devotion?

I didn't think that because I had children, I would automatically get grandchildren. If I did, fine, and if I didn't, for any reason, then fine too. They are not my decision to make and not my responsibility to bring up, I've done all that and enjoyed it most of the time but it is a huge worry too, especially as a single parent.

I don't get to see my grandsons so my grandparenthood is nothing like I thought it would be when my daughter was pregnant. I was looking forward to teaching them, playing, doing craft, baking, gardening etc. All the things we love and want to pass on but alas, I haven't been able to and if I ponder on it too long then I will become upset.

When my daughter was pregnant, I thought I was going in one direction, but I wasn't, and the same is for you too, wannabe. Lots of us on here find ourselves in situations that we didn't even dream we would end up in. That's life and it sucks. But it's shoulders back, head high and move on. Focus on your own life, what you can enjoy. Book yourself a break, start a new class, learn a new skill. It's your time, for you to reward yourself for all your hard work at bringing your son up. Grab it by the tentacles and get out there and enjoy yourself.

Hard as it is I think you probably have to accept their decision for the time being and just hope they will change their minds further down the line as they may well do. Nothing is set in stone and after they have settled into married life they could well decree something different. i do wonder why they have announced this to you though - have you dropped hints about becoming a grandma? My eldest son and dil were married 7 years before they had their first baby - we didn't know they had been trying for one for most of that time. Granddaughter no 2 arrived 4 years later. My other son was almost 40 when his first son was born 2 years ago - they were both career minded and babies didn't really figure in their lives until my dil suddenly realised she was the wrong side of 35 and thought they'd better get on with it. My friend's son's both were adamant they would not have children and then both recently had daughters - one in his late 30's and the other at 43! However it might be that they will not change their minds - one of my cousins married in his 30's and had a vasectomy straight away as they did not want children.

Did I miss something? I'm not seeing where wannabe said her son was an only.

Wendysue perhaps I understood that he was an only child from what wannabe said in her OP:
And I must accept that grandchildren are not in mine.

He has only been married a few months, I am not sure if wannabe said how old they are which could make a difference, they may or may not change their minds, but the decision is theirs as you say.

Did I miss something? I'm not seeing where wannabe said her son was an only. If he is, though, I can see where it's harder to accept this decision. It's not as if you can say, "Well, at least I already have GC from my other DSs or DDs" or "There's still a chance that my other one will have a child." (((Hugs)))

But rereading this, it strikes me once again that only a few months have passed. If you or anyone else has let them know you expect to hear about a GC, that may seem like undue pressure to them (NOT saying you did this, JUST saying IF). And as another poster suggested, that may be why they made this announcement - just to bring the pressure to an end. IF you're one of those who was after them about this, please back off now and give them space to lead their own lives.

I still think you need to grieve the possible "loss." Chances are that even if you eventually become a GP, not everything will be as you envision. Just as well to prepare yourself for that now. But at the same time, please know in the back of your mind that they may change their decision one day. I DON'T mean that you should lean on them to do so and such. I just mean that, IMO, you should still leave that door of your heart open for a while - a long while - a few months is hardly anything, these days.

There's an article entitled: The rise of generation grandchildless by Anna Van Praagh in the Daily Telegraph today. It puts both sides and some statistics. If the birth rate falls lower and lower, it must benefit everyone to keep people healthy enough to go on working later and later in life. Ramifications of the modern woman's right to choose... e.g. NHS, pension reform, ageism in general...