Gransnet forums


Son told me there will be no grandchildren

(101 Posts)
wannabe Thu 14-Jan-16 11:24:55

I've been lurking on Gransnet for a while now. I like the general discussions and as my son married a few months ago I've been hoping for news of a grandchild on the way for a little while. But on the weekend that hope was shattered. They announced that they will not be having children. They say they are quite happy and like their lives as they are. Children are not in their future. And I must accept that grandchildren are not in mine. I am trying very hard to respect their decision but inside I am absolutely distraught. Since they told me I've felt an absolute emptiness inside. I know most of you will have grandchildren so perhaps I'm asking for support in the wrong place. Unfortunately I don't know of a

Anniebach Thu 14-Jan-16 11:31:35

Unless there is a medical problem which caused them to say no children they may change their minds, I know several couples who did

Luckygirl Thu 14-Jan-16 11:37:16

I can understand how you must be feeling about this - I have a friend whose two children have both decided against having a family - and she used to work as a nanny and loves children.

It may of course be that when the biological clock starts ticking very loudly they may change their minds. And all their friends will be reproducing at some point and will be less interested in going out raving with them. And 3 of my GC were little "accidents"! - so who knows?

I can appreciate your disappointment and send all good wishes.

Bridge Thu 14-Jan-16 11:57:15

wannabe, I do understand your pain. Although in slightly different circumstances, I am too grandchildless. My son and DIL went through hell and many years trying to get pregnant. Perhaps it is easier for me to come to terms with not being a grandparent because I've been distracted by watching their suffering. They have now resigned themselves to being childless and are throwing themselves into work and volunteering hoping to fill the gap.

I am quite involved in my niece's children's lives as they live quite close by. But sometimes it's hard to watch my sister and her husband experience grandparenthood (and sometimes take it for granted) when it's something I would love so very much.

Katek Thu 14-Jan-16 12:00:25

Dd1/dsil always said children weren't part of their life plan. Dd got to 35 and suddenly everything changed and she desperately wanted a baby. We now have dgd. Don't give up hope.....lots of things may change.

Rhonab Thu 14-Jan-16 12:02:15

This must be very sad for you ... once your own children have grown, grand parenthood is the next natural step.
My daughter always said that she would never get married and definitely never have children, from teenage years well into her twenties. I was disappointed of course as that was no GC for me, but didn't dwell on it.

However she did get married and now has a wonderful wee daughter, and hoping for another.
I agree that things may change for you in years to come, but if they don't concentrate on the positives. No being tied down (as we are) with babysitting duties, so last minute holidays and days away are achievable.
Do you have friends with grandchildren that you could become close to and be a surrogate granny to?
We love our wee one to bits, but we do sometimes think of all the things we could be doing ourselves if we didn't have to babysit.

Teetime Thu 14-Jan-16 12:14:50

wannabee I'm going to say something similar my DD2 was adamant - no babies - what did she do - yes have a baby but only one and that's fine. My mother put me under such pressure to give her grandchildren that I did way before I was ready and could afford to and with a husband I did not love so we divorced when my daughter was 3 - not a good situation. Its sad for you at the moment but it could change- there is always hope. flowers

RedheadedMommy Thu 14-Jan-16 14:20:30

I told my mom she would never bever a nan. Id never have children. Disliked the idea of being tied down etc.

I now have 2 children. It might be that way for you. Never say never!

TriciaF Thu 14-Jan-16 14:26:54

I know it can be very upsetting, heartbreaking in fact.
Our family have given us many a headache - oldest's wife didn't want chidren, second son's wife can't have children, oldest daughter has given up now after several miscarriages etc, youngest daughter has one child - hooray!
But after 8 years eldest produced 2 lovely children, second are fostering with a view to adoption, and eldest daughter is the only one without, though TG she has a partner now, but too old for babies sad
So you never know what the future holds.

Anya Thu 14-Jan-16 14:32:37

Yes, I was told not to expect any grandchildren. Then it all changed when they hit their thirties and they started popping them out at a rate of 5 in 6 years grin

So don't be despondent things may change.

M0nica Thu 14-Jan-16 14:36:49

DD decided when she was very young that she didn't want either partner or children. She is now in her mid-40s and has never changed her mind or had any second thoughts or regrets.

It is nice to have that hope that so many posters give, with good reason, but do not hang all your hopes on your DS and DDiL changing their minds. DD has never changed hers.

I am fortunate I have a second child, DS, who is married and has childen but even though DD adores and is adored by her niece and nephew, nothing has ever come anywhere near tempting her to change her decision not to commit to either a partner or children.

Tegan Thu 14-Jan-16 15:17:44

I was never going to have any more grandchildren; was lucky to have two with one of my children but there was no possibility of my other child having children. Mourned the 'loss' of the child that would never be; did lots and lots of crying that no one knew about. A few years down the line, circumstances have changed and I now have another grandchild. Grieve now and accept the situation [their life; their decision] but never say never wannabe flowers.

Lynker Thu 14-Jan-16 15:43:08

I completely understand how you feel. I have a son and a daughter. My daughter is married and has 2 children, but my son's wife has recently said that she is not having any children as she is too old and not maternal. She has been with my son many years and he has always said that he wanted children. I cannot help but think that he still does.

loopylou Thu 14-Jan-16 16:57:22

Whilst I absolutely feel your sadness, it is upto the couple as to whether or not they have children and for their families to accept that decision.

I never thought I would be a grandmother, DS and DDIL were married 7 years before dgs arrived, and dgs2 is due in May. My DD would love children but doesn't even have a boyfriend so accepts that children are unlikely.

Cher53 Thu 14-Jan-16 17:48:14

Wannabe, I understand you are upset but to be honest it is no-one's business but their own. I used to get so annoyed with people who put pressure on me after marriage regarding having a family. It is the one area that people seem to think they have a right to an opinion on , no they have not.

There may be many reasons behind the decision not to have children. To be honest when I look at the way the world is going I wonder sometimes whether it is fair to bring anyone into this world. I know I wouldn't swap my children or grandchild but having said this I was adamant when I got married that I didn't want children............

I hope you can come to terms Wannabe and over time the pain may lessen hopefully.

Welshwife Thu 14-Jan-16 17:50:57

There was a time that we thought DS and his wife might be left childless as there were problems and IVF failed a few times - then quite out of the blue they became pregnant naturally - and after another couple of miscarriage hitches managed it again after about five years. Are you certain there is no problem for one of them and have decided this is the way to go rather than admit any sadness they may feel to all and sundry?

grannyactivist Thu 14-Jan-16 18:00:13

Hello wannabee. smile

Like you I was told that my daughter and son in law had decided against having children and I admit I was saddened. Over the years they confirmed their decision many times and I became resigned to it. At the end of the day it's a decision you can't make for your children so I felt that I needed to be positive and accept the decision they'd made. (I do have other grandchildren though, so that was easier than not having the prospect of any grandchildren at all.)

As it happens their decision was reversed and my daughter and son in law gave birth to a very premature baby girl last year..........and my daughter is the most doting mother ever!!

Greyduster Thu 14-Jan-16 19:05:33

I am so sorry you are going through this, and i know what it is like to be faced with the prospect of no grandchildren, but I am with those who say 'never say never'. Our son and his first wife didn't want children; his second wife had children of her own and was past the age where she wanted to be a new mum again. My daughter and her partner had been together fifteen years and no mention of children, and then, when she was 37, they produced our grandson who is now nine. So, you really never know. If the clock is not ticking for them, they may well have a change of heart.

Deedaa Thu 14-Jan-16 21:00:12

DD was married for 10 years before she had a baby. We'd never talked about it but I rather took it for granted that she wasn't interested. Now she's got two! DS was certain he was never going to get involved with a woman and definitely wasn't interested in children He's been living with his girlfriend for five years and has a toddler he's devoted to.

Grandma2213 Fri 15-Jan-16 02:48:14

Don't despair wannabe. So much good advice on here, especially about how things change.

I never thought I'd be a gran and was a surrogate nan to my youngest sister's children. Some of your friends/relations might welcome you in that role. However suddenly at 60 I became Nan to two DGC, then two more, less than two years later and finally (so far) one DGD another two years after that. I still have one DS with no children and a younger partner - could go either way! wink

Wendysue Fri 15-Jan-16 07:43:54

I so feel for you wannabe. I imagine you are sort of grieving for what might have been. And I think you need to do that. It may seem like an odd thing to say, but please, let yourself be sad for a while.

But please also listen to the advice people here have given you. Don't count on their changing their minds, of course, but don't let go of hope either. After all, it has only been a few months. Nowadays, even couples who know they want children, often put them off for a few years. I'm sorry, but I think it was way too early for you to be hoping to hear of a coming GC. And I think it's way too soon for your son and DIL to have announced they didn't plan to have kids. Chances are, things will change and they will have a child or 2, anyhow. Only time will tell.

felice Fri 15-Jan-16 08:02:49

DD was only ever in same sex relationships and the least maternal person you have ever met, not butch but definately not feminine. Then she met SIL and wham,,, now they are married and have a lovely little boy, she is even a happy housewife, and polishes the silver. If someone had told me this 6 years ago I would have just laughed.
I am of course delighted, but just wanted her to be happy and feel I do not have a right to GC I chose to have my children and it is my childrens choice if they have them.

misunderstood Fri 15-Jan-16 09:57:13

It's very early days and I bet you anything they will change their minds. At the moment married life is new but once they settle down things will change just be patient.

SwimHome Fri 15-Jan-16 10:30:19

Can't help but agree with Cher53, it really isn't up to you. Please don't let resentment spoil your relationship with them, and respect their decision and their honesty with you about it. Just be grateful that perhaps they may have a little more time for you as you grow older since they're not distracted by children.

GrannySmith12 Fri 15-Jan-16 10:32:34

Regarding the grandchildless gran - do not give up hope.

This happened to me when my son married 12 years ago. They said they weren't going to have children and they bought a lovely bull terrier dog who is still with us but very old now. But no sooner had they got the dog than my DL got pregnant and to cut a long story short I am now the proud granny of two beautiful granddaughters of 9 & 7 - who would have believed it. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have this lovely family.

So please don't give up. You never know there is lots of time so sit back and wait, don't rush them.

What is also gorgeous is that they Do call me granny smith!!