Son told me there will be no grandchildren

This post is 2 years old, so perhaps things may have changed for the OP.......................

I know that people will think that it is easy for me to say that I was not concerned about becoming a g.parent, as I do have several g.children from my four daughters. As I said earlier my sons wife declared from the beginning that she did not want children and has never changed her mind.
I never looked forward to having g.children., I absolutely adored my time as a Mother to young children and loved the grown-up versions also. Found it rather difficult as they all eventually got their life-partners and that pushed me to second place for them. When the first of my daughters announced she was pregnant, my first feeling was a great pang of regret - my status was being pushed further down. I tried to hide this, but it obviously came over as she now laughs at me at my reaction (that child is now an adult himself).
So I really tried to be happy when each daughter went along the pregnancy route as this is what they wanted (and what they want, I wanted for them). The youngest suffered five miscarriages before intervention finally helped her have two successful pregnancies. I cried buckets at her disappointment each time, but never for the babies I did not meet!!!
I really would have been quite content and happy without any g.children at all. So enjoy my adult children and often rather resent the intrusion of their offspring when I with them.
Perhaps this does not sound quite natural, but I my love for my children is like a bubble that I extend to include their offspring as these make them happy.
I have a friend with three daughters and no g.children, she does find this a bit difficult, but has such a wonderful relationship with those three young women (plus the female life-partner of one of them), that I find myself envying her.
Perhaps it is the human condition always to wish for what we do not have.

My DD has very bad endometriosis and was told she couldn't get pregnant naturally. I decided to believe,very sadly, that I wouldn't be a grandmother because it hurt less that way. I'd looked forward for so long...

However, DD and her DH went for IVF and she's now 9 weeks after the first go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can I stop holding my breath soon? When the most dangerous time?

When it was apparent that two of our children would never be parents (one by choice and the other a confirmed singleton) our disappointment was more for them than for ourselves. They are both great with children and we knew they had the potential be wonderful parents. We felt they were missing out on one of lifes most wonderful experiences. But then right out of the blue that all changed. Two GDs were born to our eldest S and DIL, and our singleton S met the love of his life (we hope!) took on the role of stepfather and another GC is expected later this year. So plans can change unexpectedly. Don't give up hope, they may surprise you!

Angelnanny I have only just seen your post and am so very sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your grandchild. Sadly I too have experience of the stillbirth of a much-wanted, eagerly-awaited grandchild and understand how you are feeling right now and how distressed the bereaved parents must be. It is truly devastating.

Please message me privately if you would like to... I'd be very happy to hear from you if it would help to 'chat' to somebody outside your own circle of friends and family, but I quite understand if you prefer not to.

I agree the stillbirth rate in the UK is appalling.

Your family will never forget this baby who will always be special, but I hope there may be a future pregnancy with a happy outcome. Our 'happy outcome' is now 4 years-old and an absolute joy.

Thinking of you and your family...

How on earth did happy become spot???

I have three children, the eldest declared she would never have children when she was six, and has never changed her mind - why we were discussing her future at that age is beyond me, but there you are. The boy is now 19 and although young, seems to be set on a single life. The little one is only 10 and by she is old enough to want children, I might be less interested, I dont know. I am reconciled to the fact that I may never have grandchildren, and I have a surrogate whom I adore. My advice is don't hang on what you can't have and enjoy what you can.

I am incredibly grateful that I have two lovely grandchildren, but I never took it for granted or regarded it as somehow my right. I never took having children myself for granted, either. It’s just a bonus.

One of my sons has no children. He certainly has a much easier, less stressed life than the one who does, but I sometimes wonder what will happen when he gets old. It is at this stage of my life that I am most grateful for my children.

Franbern I see the same with two of my children. The one without enjoys a fantastic life, wonderful holidays, socialises with like mind friends, have a beautiful but modest home, and we can have a good time when we see each otherand actually have a chat.My other child and spouce are bogged down with parental duties, seem stressed all the time, never have money and always in debt,. I often wonder if they regret having their children.

Don’t forget there are many couples who cannot have children,& so some people won’t become Grandparents for that reason.We don’t have a right to assume that our children will follow the path of parenthood. Hopefully you will be able to reconcile yourself & accept this situation. Best wishes

Agree with Frankbern, just would want them spot, but with time things change, they could very well change their minds.

I’ve heard this from both my ‘children’ and yet somehow we had 5 births, one after another within a space of five years. Both changed their minds.

Wannabe, just enjoy your grown up son and dil. stop mourning for may well be just a fantasy. My DiL told us she would not have children, and my son seemed happy to go along with it. Did wonder if she would change her mind as the biological clock kicked in -but that did not happen. I love visiting them - adults only and can see what a lovely life style they can have without offspring. Okay my other children have children, but TBH I would have been quite happy if they did not. Love my children - did not need anything more than seeing them all grown up happy and healthy.

I too have no grandchildren but this is due to a tragic loss. My son and DIL had to use IVF for undiagnosed infertility and we were thrilled when they got pregnant at the first go. 2 months ago at 32 weeks their baby boy was stillborn. We are all broken but working through our grief. They are in their late thirties so there is no guarantee they will get pregnant again .and if they do it will be so stressful..their arms and nursery are empty. My other DS is in a new relationship but is cagey about whether he wants children. In any event if he did have a child ..yes I would have a grandchild but it would be bitter sweet and painful for my poor DS and DIL although they are happy for others safe deliveries. I can honestly say now the desicion not to have children is better than this situation as at least it is what they want. Sadly in the U.K. our stillbirth rate is dire..9 a day ....yes I am a granny but I can’t hold my grandchild....my children are heart sore and I can’t take their pain away. Having a grandchild was so important to me but having happy children is more important believe me

I have DGC and I love them to bits but I worry about them constantly just like I did my own children. I'm not sure this helps but it is easy to imagine life through rose coloured glasses. The other mans grass is always greener syndrome. I wouldn't be without mine for anything but being a gran does not come without it's own heartaches. Try not to envy those who have GC I bet they have worries and problems they don't share with you.

Why have they told you this when they've only been married for a few months? Did you ask, OP? If you did ask, forgive me for being blunt, but they may have said what they said to shut you up, because they don't want to be asked! A lot of married couples don't have kids for years nowadays. I think very few people think that marriage is only 'for' having children.

I agree with what mawbroon has said too.

And with all the people who said they might change their minds.

I'm sorry you feel distraught. That is unpleasant for you. I hope you find a way to lessen your distraughtness. Please don't tell the young couple that you are distraught about their decision. This is not about respecting the decision, it's about respecting them as autonomous adults.

I can really appreciate how you are feeling. I was 65 before my first GC arrived and had thought for years there would be none.
WE have friends who have no GCs and one family with 3 children with no grandchildren. My own BIL said at the start they wanted no children and his wife was always good with mine and sent presents etc.
It is always hard for the would be grandparents but they have to come to terms and try not to show their disappointment.
A dog can soak up a lot of love and attention but I know that is not an answer, but it can help.

I agree with MawBroon ( I generally do)
You are lucky that they have told you early on because it leaves you free to explore other avenues.
They may change their mind but best not to hope for it and then it would just be a happy extra.
The surprise to me is that people have expectations. I don't have any- it would be nice in the future - but it is up to them.

I totally agree Mawboon,
they ve only been married a few months but you ve been expecting news of a baby No pressure there then ....that's surely a bit over keen isn't it as others have said it's only for them to decide and we all have to accept those decisions Perhaps they ve said they won't have any to keep you off their backs for a while so they can enjoy each other without being questioned
Absolutely no right to expect our children to have babies for our satisfaction sad as it may be Any that come are a bonus not a given
Hopefully by now you ve got over your disappointment and found a niche to fit into So many kids in the world with no support or love.... find one to give your love to a surrogate grandchild spread your love beyond the confines of your family and good luck wherever you are in this journey

wannabe the only support I can offer is the words I'm sorry. I hope you feel better.

There's nothing in the OP to suggest that wannabe is placing any "dreadful burden" on her son and his wife, or that she has been anything other than supportive regarding their decision not to have children. She's simply asking for support and help with her own (to me, understandable) feelings of loss.

With that in mind, wannabe, I would just add my sympathy too. It's early days though, and the idea that your future may be different to what you expected will be easier to accept given time.

And now I've noticed that this is an old thread! With that in mind, it'd be interesting to hear from wannabe again, to see how she's getting on.

Totally agree MawBroon

Others may have said this already - even I may have!- but I firmly believe it is their business whether or not to have children and not to provide would be grandparents with someone to love. Cart before the horse, to me.
We love our children when we have them, we love our grandchildren IF we have them. In neither case is their conception founded on "someone to love " or indeed someone to carry on the family name as in times gone by.
Why be "distraught" , it may not be for them, in fact clearly isn't. There is more to a relationship than children and (heresy) there is more to LIFE than children.
Every child should be a wanted child, sadly not always the case, but they should be wanted by their PARENTS first.
Our children are not here to provide us with grandchildren. What a dreadful burden to place on them. In the early years of my marriage (or at any time!) I would have felt very demeaned and that my private life was invaded by this expectation.

Sorry, I meant "Blueberrymum," not "Bluebunny," lol!

This has been here a while, so hope you're feeling better by now, wannabe. My heart goes out to you, but I agree with the others, that you need to channel your energies in other directions.

Yes, Bluebunny, you probably are "grieving" - for the loss of something you never had, the loss of an expected joy (the joy of gc). I'm so very sorry, But they may surprise you yet. Until then, hope you fill your life with other interests, as we've suggested to wannabe.