How involved were you with your children's weddings?

My lovely DiL is the only daughter of very generous parents. Her mum was so thrilled about the prospect of the wedding that she took over and, as I didn't live nearby, I didn't mind that one bit. It was a most enjoyable wedding and I felt only minimally guilty about being a non-contributor.

I was pondering this question again * Grannywonder* and part of your post was that you wondered why she asked your opinion then didn't take it.

Part of the definition of opinion is :

a view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.

So maybe, as other people have written she's asking a number of people for their opinions and then making up her own mind? Or as my own DD2 sometimes does she's looking to see what other people might think of her decision before finalising her own thoughts on a matter.

I know I ask for opinion sometimes but at the end of the day as I have to live with the result I always make up my own mind as I'm sure you do.

I agree , I think she's trying to be inclusive and make you feel you're part of the process and in some ways maybe to share her enthusiasm and excitement ? And that's such a nice thing because I am sure there are millions of FDil who don't include their MIL to be at all.

Why not just go with the flow? Give your opinion when asked but don't worry if its not taken , I'm sure the end result will be a good start to your relationship.

Involved in DD1s wedding. Everything was their choice but they were happy to listen to ideas. went with DD to choose her dress and bridesmaids plus a number of other outing to do with the wedding. She came with me to buy my outfit. We contributed a set amount of money.

Very involved with DD3s wedding last year. She and SIL were happy to ask and receive ideas. I accompanied her to choose her dress and bridesmaids. They chose invites, flowers, table décor, and other decorative items but I made them. I loved doing that. We also contributed an amount of money.

Both girls were careful to include MILs as much as possible. Both weddings were different but as enjoyable.

DD1 - a contribution to the reception. It was a lovely laid back affair.
DS2 - the bride's mother was in charge! She eventually let us pay for the photographs. We did pick up the pieces after.
DS1 - was held in Japan, we contributed and attended but felt outsiders, as we were.
DD2 - we contributed and it was a much more formal affair but very enjoyable.
DD3 - we were not invited - only the groom's friends were invited. We did contribute to the party later and picked up the pieces after that one, too.

My daughter married 2 and a half years ago. She involved me in attending the hunt for the wedding dress and fittings and she discussed many aspects of her wedding with me, but in an informing, not consulting way. I helped financially, but I did not expect to have any 'say'. When it came to inviting guests, I was asked if I would like some of my friends to attend - I never made the assumption they would, so this was a nice bonus.

I can think back to my own wedding day and how my parents assumed control of guests and food, even though myself and my then fiance were paying for most of it. I resented their heavy-handedness and I remember the guest list was very much made up of their friends and acquaintances for the main event - our friends came along in the evening. I am glad my daughter had things the way she wanted.

It seems your DIL -to -be is trying to make you feel involved and that shows she is sensitive and wants to build a good relationship with you. Maybe you can set her at ease and say 'Thank you for asking , but it is your day - do it your way .' She will probably breath a huge sigh of relief and feel very thankful and it could forward good relation immensely.

I'm another one who thinks FDIL (future DIL) is trying to be nice and inclusive (so many grooms' moms complain about being "left out" of the planning!). It may seem as if she's deliberately doing the opposite of what you say and I understand if you're beginning to be irritated. But please remember, she is probably also getting advice from her own mother, plus, perhaps, one or two of her bridesmaids. Besides, it just may be that the two of you have very different tastes and ideas.

Both my DDs sought some advice from me when planning their weddings. But while one of them took a few of my suggestions, the other didn't end up using any, LOL! Both of them had beautiful weddings that suited them and their grooms. Did I ever have a moment when I was disappointed that they didn't opt for some suggestion of mine? Sure. But in the end, I knew it was all ok. You will, too, I'm sure, once the wedding day is here.

For now, I think you should go on answering FDIL's questions, but maybe just briefly. But don't expect her to follow what you say. Or maybe, when you can, throw it back on her. Like if she asks what song you prefer for a certain number and she mentions a classic one and a more modern one, you could simply suggest that she decide what kind of vibe she's going for - traditional or trendy. But please don't put too much weight on this. Just enjoy the wedding and the fact that your son is getting married!

grannywonder I think your soon to be DiL is obviously going to do what she wants but is trying to make you feel involved rather than the neglected mother of the groom.

I went shopping with DD to choose her wedding dress, which was a very nice cream one from Monsoon (She paid for it herself) DS and I did the catering between us, she organised flowers and I ran round Truro like a scalded cat to find a hairdresser who would do her hair with a couple of days notice!

I was asked to help with my daughters wedding dress ... what this actually meant was that I paid the whole thing plus alteration fees! She got married after a year back at uni doing a post-grad so wasn't earning at all. It was nice going on the dress search with the bridesmaids.
Apart from that they arranged everything else, church, venue, photographer etc. We gave a very generous money gift for a wedding present.
Step-Daughter had her wedding in the US so we just had to turn up for that, as well as give the same generous money gift of course!

DS 1 We contributed financially no other involvement.
DS 2 Again we contributed financially no other involvement... Invited to look at wedding dresses with bride to be
DS 3 We paid for everything ... No involvement at all in anything. They are now divorced. Her decision to move onto another relationship ( and baby ) Two years on and feel sad sometimes as I liked her and we got on really well.
As I had a quiet wedding myself and not having daughters I would have loved to be more involved. That said its their life and just glad to be part of it ( and our 6 grandchildren)smile

With my two boys, we mainly contributed financially apart from bridesmaid dresses for my two girls, but dh and I were living either in Indonesia or Nigeria at the time so it was hard to be involved from there.

Dd1 married three months ago and consulted me on practically everything. Not that she listened to all I had to say but we had fun with throwing around ideas and so on.

Thankfully dd2 is still a teenager so hopefully I won't need to do any more wedding planning for a while. We need to save up again, first!

We gave them some money and then left them to it. It's their wedding.

Both our daughters had moved out so they paid for their own weddings. We made a contribution but they saved until they could afford what they wanted.

DD1 didn't organise anything and all she did was turn up. DD2 and 1 did it all, DD1 just made choices when there some to be made. It was a beautiful wedding and exactly what she wanted. She's quite shy and didn't like the idea of being the centre of attention so it was arranged around her requirements.

DD2 was quite different. She wanted to be married abroad and compromised on the number of people that could be there . She organised every single element. It was beautiful and incredibly unique . Wouldn't have been everyone's cup of tea but we talk about it often.

I mean DS1 lives a long way away, DD lives in the next town

DS2 & DD bith got married last year & tbh I had little involvement in either, DD lives a long way away & I think DD wanted to prove she could organise something. I did the MOB stuff like helping her chose a dress & went venue hunting with her & provided advice when asked for that was it, for DS I just had to turn up on the day

DS got married abroad and all I had to do was turn up suitably dressed - I was sent instructions as to what was suitable and what was not. I did as I was told and had a lovely time.
DD was also abroad but with email help from her (no skype then) I did everything from choosing the flowers, venue, food etc. They came home 1 week before their wedding so no chance to change anything. Apparently I did well !

I just went with the flow.
They arranged and paid for it. We made a contribution.
I did flowers and the cake - so I gave suggestions and they chose.
I went with DIL to look at dresses but that was just for fun.

DD2 - very involved, very stressful but successful.
DS - minimal involvement but not feeling excluded. Lovely peaceful , pampering hen weekend planned. DiL's parents footing the bill so the wedding present will be a cheque equivalent to expenditure on DD2's event.
DD1 - waiting with bated breath!

No involvement at all, except for contributing a large chunk of cash!

Was v miffed at the time, but let it silently, slide!

The day was lovely.

x

DS - no involvement at all; it was abroad and her parents paid for everything, we just had to turn up (and we did happily offer to contribute!)
It was small and beautiful, absolutely wonderful day and it was just as they wanted it.

Our wedding was pretty much run by my parents, I had little say!

DD1 ... Very involved, and she wanted us to be, so arranged the whole thing more or less,
DS, not involved at all , they wanted to do it all themselves,
DD2 a bit involved,
They are all different after all.

Interesting topic. We paid for DD's glamorous wedding and organised it all too. The trick was to let her think she was having everything she wanted on her big day, without letting things run out of control.
Sadly DS was due to get married last year but his fiancée called the wedding off. They had arranged it all together and were paying for it themselves, although we would have gladly contributed. It is our one regret that we didn't have more involvement in the organisation, although I doubt whether it would have made any difference to the outcome.
It's good your future DiL is consulting you, so don't worry if she doesn't take any of your suggestions on board. It might only be paying lip service to you, but it's a kind gesture. Enjoy looking for your own outfit!

Don't get upset. Traditionally it's the bride's big day, so when she asks for your opinion out of politeness give it and then forget it. Enjoy the day.

When DS and his first wife (sadly no longer with us) got married, they wanted a very low key wedding and that is what they had, with no input from us, other than that we paid for the flowers and gave them a party in the evening. When he got married for a second time, it was a much more lavish, morning suited, affair which they planned and paid for themselves. We paid for the photographs as a wedding present. Our daughter and her partner have been together for 24 years and have seemingly no thoughts of getting married, but i imagine that if and when they do, it, too, will be a low key affair and we will not be required to do anything! It has suited me not to be involved - like lully i can't get excited about big weddings (I couldn't get excited about mine!!). If all that is required of me is to scrub up, turn up, and hold my end up, i am happy.

With DS1 there was little sense of involvement. Partly geographical I think but also about personalities. Was also told a hat was essential! With DS2 a sense of real involvement from the beginning if not always agreement. Hats were not required. Both weddings were what each couple wanted, beautiful and we enjoyed each day enormously. Probably best not to overthink it and just enjoy what comes.

Both sons organised and paid for their own weddings.

We helped with mortgage money.

Don't think DIL would have wanted my advice!!!! Both weddings super. I am a small wedding fan, they don't seem to happen much now.