posting a question

mini that is scary.

My posting on Facebook of the occasional photo of my grandchild, visible to a selected group of family and good friends - usually tucked up in his pram, or "modelling" one of my latest knitting creations - has (until now) been an innocent pleasure. From now on they will stay on my phone. Sigh.

I never have and never would post a photo of my grandson on GN, as it is a public forum.

To mcem.

I disagree with you about manners changing over time and it is not rude to post photos on FB. You either have good manners or you do not!

It was a mistake on my part to post photo's on FB and I did remove them when I received the very blunt email from my DIL and I won't be doing that again. I should have given it more thought. I wouldn't dream of sending my DIL such an email whatever she did or however much she upset me. I just feel that she could and should have dealth with it in a much more considerate way.
All I want is to get along with her and I don't know what to do as she is very difficult. She is extremely clever with a top job so there's no need for her to feel that she has to 'put me in my place' and that is what I think she is doing.

I would never post pictures of my grandchildren, on here or anywhere.

Gemmag , Everyone I know posts pictures of their children/grandchildren and I have never heard anyone have a problem before. I think it was very mean of your DIL and you were right to pull her up .

Oh, MinnirMouse, that's awful! I hope it was all straightened out as quickly as possible! TG, you didn't have any pictures of your grands up there!

Gemmag, I guess, it just goes to show that, sometimes, it's good to speak up. Especially if you feel you're being mistreated. And maybe it means more since you generally keep quiet. Overall, though, I would continue to be careful in order to maintain a relationship w/ my GC.

BTW, is it possible that DIL didn't call due to the late hour? Regardless, I'm glad she and DS (you said "they" were concerned that you were upset).

The fact that DS seems to have been involved in the response suggests to me that he was also on board w/ the request that you take down the pictures, But perhaps he disagreed w/ the way DIL expressed it and spoke up on your behalf.

In fact, I agree, it would have been better if he handled it in the first place. While I don't think it's "rude" for DIL to have contacted you, I think it would have been wiser for DS to do it. He would have known better how to approach you and there seems to be a strain between you and DIL, anyway.

I'm sorry about that, too. I don't know if she's the kind of DIL who just wants nothing to do with ILs or if you're just not her cup of tea or whatever. How disappointing! But I think you'll just have to accept that this is how things are and focus mostly on your relationship with DS and the kids.

Meanwhile, Patricia, I hope our words have eased your mind and brought you some comfort.

I forgot to put this in my previous post.

My Facebook account was hacked into recently and all my profile had been completely taken over and changed The hacker had even put their photo on there as my profile picture and added their own 'friends' - my friends had disappeared. Fortunately, I've never posted any photos of anyone or any information about anyone, I used it mainly to access Gransnet and other organisations.

This is what can worry parents with young children about posting photos etc. Sad world

Two threads in one here ...

Patriciaann I do think you need to have confidence in yourself and your relationship to date. As others have said, little ones can test and try us out , especially if we have laid down our own expectations. I think your little GS will soon come round again and it is important that you are consistent. Just go on being the lovely granny / (nanny?) you are and I think the smiles will soon be back. I haven't had to cross this bridge with a GC yet, but it happened with a toddler that I was child minder to.

I do wonder about how things will pan out with the 'other granny' as she is the local one, but I know my Cs all built lovely relationships with both of their grannies so I expect to do the same really.

Gemmag, my DD and SIL have expressly said no photos on FB and to be honest I am glad. Even though we have the tightest privacy settings, I feel anything we put on social media is open to abuse. I recently opened up my account (don't use it much) and 'FB' had created a slide show for me of 'your favourite memories' - basically raiding my pictures! That felt like an invasion in itself. It's a tricky one - I just wouldn't want to take the risk. I am sorry that your DIL handled it so badly though. I hope you can revisit the subject with her if only to finally put it to bed ... seems left open at the moment.

When I read your last post I thought how lovely that you think so highly of your DD in so many ways. Are you able to tell her - even by email - that you think she is doing a really good job? And do you think she would take it as genuinely, kindly meant rather than patronising? I just wonder if it is a way to build bridges.

I feel I have had to gently prod my daughter to be mindful of her MIL a couple of times - not because she is insensitive at all - just because I know her MIL needed to be invited in more demonstratively when first GS was born. She is a lovely nanny, but so worried about imposing - this could easily have been misread as her being standoffish, but if both parties are treading round each other something needs to change for things to improve. Sorry if any of this is misplaced / clumsy -I am just sorry for you that things are a bot awry at the moment

Gemmag, why don't you ask your dil and son if they would check your fb privacy settings so that they, and you, can be quite sure who is seeing the photos? Then they may be happy for you, as a proud grandparent, to show off their children.
Swallow your annoyance and smile cheerfully and things may improve

Manners change over time. I think it's rude to post pictures on FB without the specific agreement of parents and never post my DGCs.

Thank you all.

I'm afraid I did react, late as it was as I was quite shocked at the bluntness and unfriendlyness of the email. Also, I thought that it was for my son and not DIL to talk to me. He could have done this early next day!!.DIL is very controlling and knows everything and can do things better than anyone else.
I emailed back to say that I thought that it was just good manners to have phones me to discuss it. I really do think that this is what DIL should have done if she felt that it was her place (not my sons) to deal with it. Also,she had behaved appallingly towards me a couple of weeks earlier and I carried on as though nothing had happened and I began to think about that and all the other times!. I would like nothing more than to be her friend but she just doesn't like me. I do not understand it as I get along fine with most people.

I have done everything possible to help out and always try to do and say the right thing so as not to upset anyone as there is quite a bit of tension there but DIL has always been unfriendly towards me.

She is a terrific Mum and the GC are a delight and I love seeing them and as long as my son is happy I will keep quiet. I did have an email next day to say that they hadn't meant to upset me and that I could phone if I wanted to talk to them. I have not done this, it's too soon.

To Luckygirl, I have been eating humble pie for the last 10 years, you have no idea!. We brought our sons up to have good manners and I don't think that is too much to expect from my DIL. My GC have lovely manners.

What is it with DIL?. Why do they have to feel that the MIL is some kind of threat. I talk to friends and it's so hurtful when you listen to the Mums of daughters and how they see their grandchildren all the time and do so much with them! WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER GRANNY!.

Gemmag. I'm sorry your DIL was so blunt. I know you posted those pics as a proud, loving GM and meant no harm. I'm glad you honored her request, however. That was the wise thing to do, IMO.

Perhaps she was blunt cuz of her worry about who might see the pictures? Or maybe that's just the way she talks? But since you say your relationship with her is difficult, overall, that may explain the way she handled this - there's already some tension there. Has she perhaps asked you not to post her children's photos before? That might be another reason she was a little harsh.

The difference between her and DS posting pics of their kids and someone else doing it is that they know how secure their privacy settings are, while they don't know about yours. So DIL is probably worried that some pedophile might see the pics, unbeknownst to you or her.

For this reason, I have to disagree with Grannyknot and say it's NOT the same as when GPs used to show their friends GC photos in person. Back then, we knew that only the GP's friends would see them. Now, on the Internet, we can't be so sure.

And even if, like Grannyknot, you feel your privacy settings are very secure, DIL may not be so certain. Or she just might be uncomfortable w/ the idea of people she doesn't know seeing her kids' pics. Yeah, even if they are your dearest friends. People are a little more paranoid, these days, I think, with all the horror stories and so forth.

I don't think what you did was "dreadful" - just a mistake. I hope you avoid repeating it in the future. (((Hugs)))

i post some pictures on facebook. Not many, but usually ones I've taken myself and often ones from shows GS1 has been in because he will have appeared in a lot of other people's photo's of them anyway.

Patriciaann I am also a widow of 3 and a half years who looks after my grandchildren. Sometimes they are very sweet, well behaved and loving but sometimes they are very difficult. I am the only gran as the other gran passed away not long after my husband. They were both 67/68.

It's not easy to be detached when the gc are rude and difficult especially when you're coping on your own.

It is important to have a life outside of being a gran (not always easy I know.) My gs clung to me when his gd and other gm passed away but he's getting over it and growing away from me which is right and healthy.

I have a friend whose whole happiness revolves around her grandchildren and I think that makes it very difficult for her although I am always trying not to do this myself.

I err on the side of caution with facebook and don't post any photos of DGCs unless there has been a family get-together.

If the parents lead the way by posting the photos they took I quickly add mine.

Patricia hi and welcome to GN. You have had good advice that I cannot add to, because I only have one grandchild (an 18 month old) and am still in the phase where I'm only too happy to have him. Plus I don't have a competitive bone in my body.

Not saying you're neurotic by the way, nor "stupid". I just have no experience so can't contribute to the discussion.

Well. 're posting photos of grandchildren. Putting photos of one's grandchildren on Facebook nowadays is akin to a gran showing printed copies of photos of her grandchildren to friends as was done in the past. So I don't see anything wrong with it. I post photos of my grandson on my Facebook page, for my friends to see, usually photos that were taken by me. My privacy settings on Facebook are secure. And what's more, my DIL and my son ensure that their privacy settings prevent any sharing of photos that they do not want to be seen by anyone other than a selected group.

Of course I am careful and circumspect about the photos I post.

Gemmag perhaps your DiL was a bit blunt because she panicked about who may have already seen the photos before you took them down. Sometimes the world is not a nice place and she may already have come across friends who have had bad experiences.

I wouldn't dream of posting photos of the GCs online and am very, very careful when even posting personal information on friendly, cuddly Gransnet. Don't forget, we don't actually know most of the posters - they may not be at all what we think they are

I too look after my grandchildren a couple of days a week but now that my grandson has started school (he's 4) I feel he is drifting away but I am not upset by it. I see it as a way of him growing up and learning to cope more independently. My grand daughter is only 2 so still a delight but she's always been independent so I am often surplus to requirements with her. But they know I am there if they need me.

They only see their other grandparents about once a month but I ensure we talk about them a lot. If they spend more money on the little ones, I am not jealous as I have their time, which is priceless. The inlaws took the whole family on an expensive holiday last year and that was fine by me. Life is too short to worry about such minor matters.

I have a busy life of my own which I think is very important. My family are a big part of my life but they are not my whole life. That is important to me and to them.

TBH I would not dream of posting photos of the GC - who are after all, not MY children. The decision rests with the parents.

If I were you I should eat a bit of humble pie! Oh - and scrap being offended; it is not appropriate and will help no-one.

gemmag, I think one should ask permission of one's grandchildren's parents before posting photos of them on Facebook. I asked early on. I also asked if it was allright to write about them in my blog. DD said yes but if she ever felt uncomfortable about it and asked me to remove photos I would do so with no hesitation. They are her children.

If the situation were reversed I'd expect the same consideration from her.

I don't think you have any right to feel offended by what she has done.

It's not a thing that would occur to our generation without being told. I think the risk is at best giving paedophiles material for free. And at worst the child being identified and contacted using all kinds of clues from photos and comments on Facebook. I may be wrong. I think your DiL could have been more tactful though.

I posted am few photos of my grandchildren on Facebook a few days ago.
I have received an email from my DIL late at night requesting that I remove them. The email was fairly blunt and unfriendly ie photo's were personal and asked me to remove them. I feel deeply offended by this and think that she could have at least phoned me to talk about it.

I have of course removed the photo's but I feel very cross at the way she's gone about this. Our relationship has never been an easy one.

I should be grateful for your views. Was it such a dreadful thing to do!. My sons friends all post loads of photos of their children on Facebook and my son and DIL do have photo's on Facebook.

My deepest sympathies on the loss of your DH (dear husband), Patricia.

I'm sorry you feel as if you're "losing" your GC, too. But I agree with the others that things will change as the kids get older and that GD is probably just going through a phase.

In fact, it may actually show how close she is to you - "Familiarity breeds contempt," etc. The rudeness needs to be curbed, whether she's scolded for it or you ignore her requests, etc. until she asks politely and all that. Have you talked to the parents about how to handle it? But it may be a sign that she feels comfortable enough with you to test limits. She may not feel as comfortable with her other GM, who doesn't watch her as often or stay over. So for her, she may be putting on her "company manners."

Take heart! All this will work itself out soon!

I agree about not showing you are upset. Kids quite often do things to see what reaction they get. My DGD on holiday last year decided she was going to play with my mother rather than me. She kept glancing at me as she laid her dolls on my mum's lap to see if I was watching her and if I was reacting. I ignored her and she was soon back to being friendly again. I had just helped discipline her when she had a temper tantrum so I think she was showing she was not pleased with me.
Stay strong, be loving and understanding she will come round.

the question mark in there put itself in.