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Grandparenting

posting a question

(63 Posts)
patriciaann71 Fri 19-Feb-16 19:02:31

how do I post a question on gransnet forum?

Alea Fri 19-Feb-16 19:17:47

You just did smile!!
Do it again, depending which forum it relates to.

patriciaann71 Fri 19-Feb-16 20:22:39

This is my first post and I'm sure I'll sound a neurotic grandma! I am a 72 yr old widow having lost my lovely hubby nearly 4 yrs ago. My daughter and son in law have a 5yr old boy and 4yr old girl and live 10 miles away. Because I am on my own I stay over from Monday evening to Wednesday to mind the children while my daughter works. The other grandma,who lives just up the road, minds them on Mondays.Now comes the "stupid" bit. My grandson has always been very close to his other grandma (I truly have no idea why -except she does buy them both lots of toys etc!). However, my little grandaughter, who has always been very close and loving towards me ,has also suddenly started being a bit rude and sullen around me yet every time other grandma's around she's quite loving towards her. I now feel I am 'losing' both of my grandchildren. I know I sound very jealous but don't know how to handle this snd would be very glad of any comments.

'

Deedaa Fri 19-Feb-16 21:20:05

I suspect your grandaughter's behaviour will turn out to be a passing phase. don't try and make her be nice to you, just carry on quite normally. Rudeness won't be half as much fun if she doesn't get a reaction.

The other grandma may have an advantage at the moment with the toys, but when they get older there may be all sorts of things that you will be better at. Helping them with reading or drawing, or perhaps just knowing some really interesting stories.

patriciaann71 Fri 19-Feb-16 21:32:51

Hi Deedaa
Thanks for taking time to reply. I'll take your advice and let you know I get on.

Luckygirl Fri 19-Feb-16 22:16:34

Let it drift by if you can - I know it is hard, especially as you sadly no longer have your husband there to let off steam about it to. I really do think that you would be best ignoring your DGD's behaviour - it is likely just a passing phase and the less notice you take the better. I am sure it will pass.

The whole feeling that one grandma is favoured over the other is something that flits into most grandmother's minds at times; but children have different relationships with each of them and enjoy different things with each. The important thing is not to let any hint of what you feel creep out to the child or any other member of the family, because it will then become a problem for everyone - no doubt the little monkey would play on this - as children do!

I am sure that all will be well. Please do not brood on this and let it make you unhappy.

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 19-Feb-16 22:26:19

Whatever you do, don't let them know that you care about whether they love you or not. Kids can be knowing little buggers and if they get the chance they will play you for all they're worth.

Just carry on regardless. Take a good book or a mag to read some of the time when you are minding them. Don't exhaust yourself trying to get into their good books. Not worth it. Play with them only for as long as you are enjoying it? If they are rude or misbehave in any way, tell them off. And don't wrap it up. They will come round later.

Look after you. smile

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 19-Feb-16 22:27:34

the question mark in there put itself in.

trisher Fri 19-Feb-16 22:36:14

I agree about not showing you are upset. Kids quite often do things to see what reaction they get. My DGD on holiday last year decided she was going to play with my mother rather than me. She kept glancing at me as she laid her dolls on my mum's lap to see if I was watching her and if I was reacting. I ignored her and she was soon back to being friendly again. I had just helped discipline her when she had a temper tantrum so I think she was showing she was not pleased with me.
Stay strong, be loving and understanding she will come round.

Wendysue Sat 20-Feb-16 06:23:42

My deepest sympathies on the loss of your DH (dear husband), Patricia.

I'm sorry you feel as if you're "losing" your GC, too. But I agree with the others that things will change as the kids get older and that GD is probably just going through a phase.

In fact, it may actually show how close she is to you - "Familiarity breeds contempt," etc. The rudeness needs to be curbed, whether she's scolded for it or you ignore her requests, etc. until she asks politely and all that. Have you talked to the parents about how to handle it? But it may be a sign that she feels comfortable enough with you to test limits. She may not feel as comfortable with her other GM, who doesn't watch her as often or stay over. So for her, she may be putting on her "company manners."

Take heart! All this will work itself out soon!

Gemmag Sun 21-Feb-16 13:13:14

I posted am few photos of my grandchildren on Facebook a few days ago.
I have received an email from my DIL late at night requesting that I remove them. The email was fairly blunt and unfriendly ie photo's were personal and asked me to remove them. I feel deeply offended by this and think that she could have at least phoned me to talk about it.

I have of course removed the photo's but I feel very cross at the way she's gone about this. Our relationship has never been an easy one.

I should be grateful for your views. Was it such a dreadful thing to do!. My sons friends all post loads of photos of their children on Facebook and my son and DIL do have photo's on Facebook.

pensionpat Sun 21-Feb-16 14:11:39

It's not a thing that would occur to our generation without being told. I think the risk is at best giving paedophiles material for free. And at worst the child being identified and contacted using all kinds of clues from photos and comments on Facebook. I may be wrong. I think your DiL could have been more tactful though.

thatbags Sun 21-Feb-16 14:32:00

gemmag, I think one should ask permission of one's grandchildren's parents before posting photos of them on Facebook. I asked early on. I also asked if it was allright to write about them in my blog. DD said yes but if she ever felt uncomfortable about it and asked me to remove photos I would do so with no hesitation. They are her children.

If the situation were reversed I'd expect the same consideration from her.

I don't think you have any right to feel offended by what she has done.

Luckygirl Sun 21-Feb-16 14:38:25

TBH I would not dream of posting photos of the GC - who are after all, not MY children. The decision rests with the parents.

If I were you I should eat a bit of humble pie! Oh - and scrap being offended; it is not appropriate and will help no-one.

pat1876 Sun 21-Feb-16 14:49:10

I too look after my grandchildren a couple of days a week but now that my grandson has started school (he's 4) I feel he is drifting away but I am not upset by it. I see it as a way of him growing up and learning to cope more independently. My grand daughter is only 2 so still a delight but she's always been independent so I am often surplus to requirements with her. smile But they know I am there if they need me.

They only see their other grandparents about once a month but I ensure we talk about them a lot. If they spend more money on the little ones, I am not jealous as I have their time, which is priceless. The inlaws took the whole family on an expensive holiday last year and that was fine by me. Life is too short to worry about such minor matters.

I have a busy life of my own which I think is very important. My family are a big part of my life but they are not my whole life. That is important to me and to them.

MiniMouse Sun 21-Feb-16 14:49:17

Gemmag perhaps your DiL was a bit blunt because she panicked about who may have already seen the photos before you took them down. Sometimes the world is not a nice place and she may already have come across friends who have had bad experiences.

I wouldn't dream of posting photos of the GCs online and am very, very careful when even posting personal information on friendly, cuddly Gransnet. Don't forget, we don't actually know most of the posters - they may not be at all what we think they are sad

Grannyknot Sun 21-Feb-16 16:07:53

Well. 're posting photos of grandchildren. Putting photos of one's grandchildren on Facebook nowadays is akin to a gran showing printed copies of photos of her grandchildren to friends as was done in the past. So I don't see anything wrong with it. I post photos of my grandson on my Facebook page, for my friends to see, usually photos that were taken by me. My privacy settings on Facebook are secure. And what's more, my DIL and my son ensure that their privacy settings prevent any sharing of photos that they do not want to be seen by anyone other than a selected group.

Of course I am careful and circumspect about the photos I post.

Grannyknot Sun 21-Feb-16 16:11:19

Patricia hi and welcome to GN. You have had good advice that I cannot add to, because I only have one grandchild (an 18 month old) and am still in the phase where I'm only too happy to have him. Plus I don't have a competitive bone in my body.

Not saying you're neurotic by the way, nor "stupid". I just have no experience so can't contribute to the discussion. flowers

merlotgran Sun 21-Feb-16 16:28:13

I err on the side of caution with facebook and don't post any photos of DGCs unless there has been a family get-together.

If the parents lead the way by posting the photos they took I quickly add mine.

Falconbird Sun 21-Feb-16 16:42:16

Patriciaann I am also a widow of 3 and a half years who looks after my grandchildren. Sometimes they are very sweet, well behaved and loving but sometimes they are very difficult. I am the only gran as the other gran passed away not long after my husband. They were both 67/68.

It's not easy to be detached when the gc are rude and difficult especially when you're coping on your own.

It is important to have a life outside of being a gran (not always easy I know.) My gs clung to me when his gd and other gm passed away but he's getting over it and growing away from me which is right and healthy.

I have a friend whose whole happiness revolves around her grandchildren and I think that makes it very difficult for her although I am always trying not to do this myself. confused

Deedaa Sun 21-Feb-16 21:57:15

i post some pictures on facebook. Not many, but usually ones I've taken myself and often ones from shows GS1 has been in because he will have appeared in a lot of other people's photo's of them anyway.

Wendysue Tue 23-Feb-16 10:31:23

Gemmag. I'm sorry your DIL was so blunt. I know you posted those pics as a proud, loving GM and meant no harm. I'm glad you honored her request, however. That was the wise thing to do, IMO.

Perhaps she was blunt cuz of her worry about who might see the pictures? Or maybe that's just the way she talks? But since you say your relationship with her is difficult, overall, that may explain the way she handled this - there's already some tension there. Has she perhaps asked you not to post her children's photos before? That might be another reason she was a little harsh.

The difference between her and DS posting pics of their kids and someone else doing it is that they know how secure their privacy settings are, while they don't know about yours. So DIL is probably worried that some pedophile might see the pics, unbeknownst to you or her.

For this reason, I have to disagree with Grannyknot and say it's NOT the same as when GPs used to show their friends GC photos in person. Back then, we knew that only the GP's friends would see them. Now, on the Internet, we can't be so sure.

And even if, like Grannyknot, you feel your privacy settings are very secure, DIL may not be so certain. Or she just might be uncomfortable w/ the idea of people she doesn't know seeing her kids' pics. Yeah, even if they are your dearest friends. People are a little more paranoid, these days, I think, with all the horror stories and so forth.

I don't think what you did was "dreadful" - just a mistake. I hope you avoid repeating it in the future. (((Hugs)))

Gemmag Wed 24-Feb-16 14:04:33

Thank you all.

I'm afraid I did react, late as it was as I was quite shocked at the bluntness and unfriendlyness of the email. Also, I thought that it was for my son and not DIL to talk to me. He could have done this early next day!!.DIL is very controlling and knows everything and can do things better than anyone else.
I emailed back to say that I thought that it was just good manners to have phones me to discuss it. I really do think that this is what DIL should have done if she felt that it was her place (not my sons) to deal with it. Also,she had behaved appallingly towards me a couple of weeks earlier and I carried on as though nothing had happened and I began to think about that and all the other times!. I would like nothing more than to be her friend but she just doesn't like me. I do not understand it as I get along fine with most people.

I have done everything possible to help out and always try to do and say the right thing so as not to upset anyone as there is quite a bit of tension there but DIL has always been unfriendly towards me.

She is a terrific Mum and the GC are a delight and I love seeing them and as long as my son is happy I will keep quiet. I did have an email next day to say that they hadn't meant to upset me and that I could phone if I wanted to talk to them. I have not done this, it's too soon.

To Luckygirl, I have been eating humble pie for the last 10 years, you have no idea!. We brought our sons up to have good manners and I don't think that is too much to expect from my DIL. My GC have lovely manners.

What is it with DIL?. Why do they have to feel that the MIL is some kind of threat. I talk to friends and it's so hurtful when you listen to the Mums of daughters and how they see their grandchildren all the time and do so much with them! WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER GRANNY!.

mcem Wed 24-Feb-16 14:18:13

Manners change over time. I think it's rude to post pictures on FB without the specific agreement of parents and never post my DGCs.

Lona Wed 24-Feb-16 14:33:00

Gemmag, why don't you ask your dil and son if they would check your fb privacy settings so that they, and you, can be quite sure who is seeing the photos? Then they may be happy for you, as a proud grandparent, to show off their children.
Swallow your annoyance and smile cheerfully and things may improve flowers