Husbands unacceptable behaviour towards my grandchildren.

My husband loves his stepson and grandchildren as if they were his own (and they love him) - I could not have married anyone who did not feel that way. It was a non-negotiable requirement in a second husband. Actually he has far more patience that I do!

Hear! Hear! To all postings-get shot of him now.

Unless this man is deeply repentant and promises never to be nasty to any of your grandchildren again, I wouldn't even think of giving him another chance.

Even then, you may well find that your DGC's parents won't let them come near him.

I could easily visualise the scene at the car, as I was reading, and was so afraid you were going to say that your DGS had got hurt in some way. I wouldn't want those two little children to have anything to do with someone like that, and I can imagine how much more strongly their parents must feel about it.

Poor you Miss2Mrs.

I have only just read this thread.
I didnt need to read past your first 3 lines.

I have no idea where you go from here, but probably other gransnetters can help you in that too.

Miss2Mrs I don't know how old your husband is but some people change as they get older and have a much shorter fuse.

I tend to agree with those who say his behaviour demonstrates a very bullying nature and a lack of consideration for you. Being unkind and rough with children - or anybody who is more vulnerable - is a very unpleasant personality trait and I think you realise that this is something which is unlikely to change.

This must be a very difficult time for you and I hope things work out in the end.

Yes, I wondered about dementia too, I was going to ask his age and if his behaviour has changed recently, but sadly age is no indicator
Has he got DC and DGC of his own?

I agree with Anya , first of all I think you need to sit down with him and in as calm a way as possible explain what the issues are from your point of view and explain what you want and why!

Then you need to listen . There's no excuses for his behaviour but there may be an explanation . You need to explain the consequences of a failure to improve his aggressive behaviours. And be pointedly clear. No maybes, no perhaps .

Then you need to decide IF you want a relationship together because you must both want it. If one or the other doesn't then it's over really.

Which is very sad but some relationships are just toxic sadly.

I hope you can work it out and that he wants to.

I'd be absolutely straight with him. This behaviour has to STOP, his criticism behind closed doors has to stop, and he has to agree to go to counselling IF he wants to save the marriage. Or indeed if YOU want to save the marriage.

No IFS, no BUTS, no second chances.

Thinking of you Miss2Mrs. Hope your sons can support you. Let us know how things work out. Does he have children/GC? Is he jealous when you are giving others attention?

has he changed lately all of a sudden? Is he drinking? Or could it be Alzheimer's? Fits of rage and chanfge in personality, tolerance, coud be signs.

I am so sorry you are facing that impossible (but as you say, clear) choice.

Stay strong Miss. All the best to you and your family.

I've known him as a friend for years so not a new relationship. It's very difficult to work out how to do what I need to do. There no choice to be made between husband and family - family wins hands down every time. I think I'll talk to my sons about it and see if we can work out what to do for the best.
Again, thank you all for your very helpful comments, I appreciate them very much indeed, thank you. X

I'm afraid I agree with them all- nothing to add. How hard for you- but I think the sooner the better...

Just as well your son didn't rush down and intervene - if he had thumped him (tempting!) he would have been in trouble

Good luck

I thought this was a very 'telling' sentence in your opening post Miss2Mrs

He insults all of them when we are alone together and doesn't care that this upsets and offends me.

It says it all doesn't it? I sympathise you are in a difficult dilemma but I would put my family above a newish relationship any time. I wish you luck and hope he can change his ways but I doubt it very much.

Why would you risk losing your children and grandchildren because of a man you barely know?

I think you have made the decision yourself Miss2Mrs. You know that DC will not tolerate this behaviour towards their DC. You must do something about this man otherwise you will miss out with your GC.
Good luck. I know one or two men who were like this and when they settled into married life they became controlling.

Your first priority must be the safety of the grandchildren. Bullies will often hide that side of their personality. He is starting by picking on your grandchildren, next it will be that he will try to control when and how often you see your family until you are completely dependent on him. Put a stop to it now. Tell him to change his ways or take a hike. If you are worried about confronting him have your son nearby for support.

Thank you for your comments. Your are really reinforcing what I think I knew anyway. He is a bully. The marriage is over.
My son was doing DIY in a bedroom and didn't know we had arrived until he heard the ruckus. He could see that I had intervened. DIL again, didn't know we were there until I knocked the door with the GD, she was busy comforting her daughter and trusted us to look after her son.
It was pouring with rain, I was driving and getting out of the drivers door into a busy, steep hill - hence why I didn't want my GS to step, that's why I told him to get out of the other door.
It should be said that he has never behaved badly towards these particular children before, always been loving and supportive. It's my other grandchildren who have been the target of his nasty comments until now.
And, yes he has changed since I married him, none of this side was visible until afterwards.
I feel sick.

Fair enough thatbags I might have been a bit harsh myself! I do wonder if the son can't speak to the husband at all and is avoiding him. Mind you I wonder about them allowing the children to see someone they really don't like as well.

And couldn't the four year old get out by himself and walk alongside you carrying the baby?

The whole situation sounds a bit odd to me.

And I still agree with what people said about bullies.

I would rather be on my own than with a nasty cruel bully like that, although only you will know if he has any redeeming features.

Another question: why was your husband there, miss2? Don't you drive? Couldn't you take your grandkids home without him?

It's not harsh to forestall behaviour one doesn't like.