Husbands unacceptable behaviour towards my grandchildren.

By the way manny GS1 has been having lots of problems with possible autism and ADHD which all seems to have escalated lately. Oddly enough, since DH has realised there is actually a problem and he isn't just annoying and naughty he is taking much more interest in him. (I think he recognises the likenesses between them) I think you may find things improve as the children get older but I have to admit I've been to an awful lot of gatherings on my own!

Manny I can feel the hurt and pain in your words. Some individuals never "get" families and walk the periphery not wanting to get involved. He probably genuinely feels underwhelmed and incapable of understanding your point of view. This does not make him a bad person, he is just different from most of us. It is such difference that makes tolerance and understanding so difficult, and is a theme that runs through so many misunderstandings in the world.

I hope you can invent some coping strategies that work for you both. Good luck.

Thanks so much for that response. It was helpful to know that someone else has experienced something similar. I think - reluctantly - that your advice is on the right lines. Limited contact, while I try to maintain the contact I had with my family before I remarried. This goes against the grain - I felt lonely enough doing many things alone before I met him, and now it seems that he will not be willing to fully join in something which is very important to me, so the lonely feeling continues. Sad that he is unable/unwilling to see the benefit of a loving family. He has little contact with his own family: his relationship with his brother is not close. That should have switched on the warning lights for me, I suppose!

I'm not sure if there is much you can do manny I've been married to a very similar man for 46 years. We have 2 children and 3 grandchildren. He is fine with the children now they are grown up, but he really didn't get them as children. I look after the grandchildren a lot but don't have them in our house very much. He was an only child but really not very close to his parents. He didn't see his mother for several years before she died while I was visiting her at least twice a week.

I think perhaps you may have to limit his contact with the children. Are there any activities he actually enjoys with them? Or any hobbies he could help them with? It seems an awful shame when you've got that lovely house for holidays but I don't think you can change his basic nature. Somehow you need to make him see that you understand that he doesn't enjoy the family stuff like you do, but that your contact with your family is non negotiable. Sadly it's much easier to write than to do.

I've only just registered with Gransnet, so have just read the comments in this particular thread. My situation has some similarities and I would welcome the views of others. I remarrried almost two years ago. I have five grandchildren. My husband does not behave in a bullying and violent way. He is impatient and tends to like organising other people. Controlling, maybe. He has no children. I have only just come to the full realisation that he is not, by his own admission 'a family person'. My family is of huge importance to me - my children tell me that I'm an excellent Grandmother. I retired early in order to be able to help out more and to have close contact with the grandchildren. My husband does not understand my feelings about family. When I babysit, I go alone. I have three grandchildren who live some distance away. When I visit, I go alone. I have found this difficult to cope with and it has given rise to a great deal of conflict. We now own a beautiful house abroad with a pool and sunshine. Its perfect for family life. However, when the grandchildren come to stay, the atmosphere is very tense, as my husband objects to aspects of the childrens behaviour. He also feels that he can interfere and make comments - indeed, his interaction with them seems to consist of instructions and rebukes.
I now feel that the only solution to this problem is to ensure that the contact they have with him should be kept to a minimum. This breaks my heart - it's not what I wanted from marriage. Are my expectations too high? I'm so scared that my family won't want to visit and I couldn't bear it if this caused a breech in my relationship with them

Oh heck. I am so sorry. I haven't been on here for a while. I have just seen your response. Sorry to hear that things have broken down for you. I hope since writing your last response, things are now looking up xx

Your husband is out of order. I remarried too, my husband had very little experience of young children and on just one occasion, he shouted at our little grandson and I told him it was absolutely unacceptable to shout like he had done and if he ever did it again, then there would be consequences. The little boy was only three and it really scared him. I asked my husband how he would have felt if someone he didn't know that well shouted at his son when he was small (my husband had a son by a previous marriage, but they split up when his son was four). He agreed that that would have been unacceptable and he would have been really angry. So. I asked what the difference was - he couldn't answer me. He has never done it since.
His justification was that GS was going to run into the road - he wasn't, he was toddling to me a couple of feet away. He acted in haste, but he knows now that shouting so aggressively was not the right to do. You have to nip this in the bud before your son and daughter-in-law decide they don't want this atmosphere for their children. Good luck.

Miss2Mrs thank you for coming back with an update. It's good that you have been able to address the issue with your husband in a way that he has obviously 'heard' and that he has taken action to deal with his acknowledged problem. I hope he is able to translate his intentions to deal with his anger into actions, but you have a plan for if he is not able to, so I wish you well as you 'watch this space'.

Time with your grandchildren should be relaxed and happy.Had I been your son your husbands ears would have been ringing.
Go forwards without him,best to waste two years and keep your family.
I wish you well.

I do hope miss2mrs for your sake, that this problem can be ironed out and he can become the husband you want him to be and maybe he wants too. But if there is no change in the next few months, please think again before your life is going by and you are with someone who is not treating you right. You are worth more than that.

The romantic notion of being in a marriage again sounds wonderful but, after being in a marriage where I was hit, bullied, belittled and kept away from family and friends for 10 years, fills me with a dread of repeating the past. I had no idea he was like this until after we married and we courted for three years so plenty of time to get to know him I think. I feel better off by myself, it feels too scary to do otherwise, especially with my medical problems now. How could I be sure that someone wouldn't lose their temper because of the problems I have? I get annoyed with me sometimes so someone else probably would too, in time.

I hope things get better; your DH has realised that he has a problem and is taking steps to improve.
However, perhaps if the children are a trigger you may need to visit them at their house for the time being.

It's good that your husband is trying to take responsibility for his temper and I hope he does improve, Miss2Mrs.
Please try to avoid putting your DGCs at risk, though. One or both of the two children could easily have been badly hurt in the incident you described in your OP.

mumofmadboys I love that phrase.

miss 2mrs that's hopeful news. People do change, especially if they display a willingness to try.

Thank you for your update. You sound calm, sensible and level headed. I sincerely hope things improve for you all. Someone once said to me when I was going through family problems 'Travel hopefully' and I always found that an encouraging phrase.

Update: now that emotions have settled a little, I have had a serious conversation with him. As a result, he took the issue to his CBT therapist who has helped him to understand what/why the incident happened. Yes, he's already having therapy for anger management. He understands that he has a problem but, as yet, he hasn't learned how to put the knowledge he has gained to good use! He does however, have a desire to change.
I am hopeful (not necessarily confident) that things will improve.
My sons are prepared to see this particular incident as a one-off event. None-the-less, hubby has been left in no doubt that if it happens again, he not only loses the trust and confidence of his stepchildren, he will probably lose a wife too.
Thank you to everyone for your kind and supportive comments, I really appreciate it. Xxx

How does he behave with his own family and does he have a good relationship with them?

My mother remarried when she was 57 to a "charming" man who turned out to be a controlling bully. After too many miserable years she divorced him aged 64 and had 20 happy years without him.

If the signs are there it is better to leave the relationship sooner rather than later before things get even worse.

First time I have posted anything but felt compelled to do so as this must be such a disappointing and difficult situation for you Miss2Mrs. Whatever the reason for his behavior you cannot tolerate it damaging your relationship with your children and grandchildren - and indeed they must be protected from his bullying. Sounds as though you have a loving family around you to help you get through this. Really feel for you.

I am sorry to say that he sounds like a horrid jealous bully. Perhaps the children emphasise his lost youth, impending old age and eventual demise.

Or, being charitable, perhaps your husband has worries or concerns he has not shared with you and these spill out in his behaviour.

I can't tell you what to do but would ask that you speak to a professional about this as it is too much of a burden for you to cope with. Perhaps you could encourage your husband do speak to someone (a GP could possibly arrange anger management classes).

I wish you well.

My grandfather always seemed to be a fine man and had a wonderful second wife but when he got old he was " mean as a snake" she said. She had to divorce him she actually got scared of his behavior. Sad come to find out he had plaque in his carotid arteries.

I left my husband many years ago partly because of the way he treated my young son from a previous relationship. He was even jealous of his own daughter as a baby as she was getting most of my attention. People like this do not change.

I wish you well miss2mrs. You need to escape this bully. People don't change, even if they say they will.

I remarried 14 years ago to a man who had never had children. We went through a very difficult patch, not helped by problems with my grown up son. At one point my husband threw at me....its him or me.....my retort, don't ever ask me that again because you will loose. My kids and grandkids will always come first with me. We now have a 2yr old grandson who dotes on his Pop, I sometimes feel he likes Pop more than me, ha ha. Seriously though, if I was I. Your shoes, he would be out. You cannot allow him to bully and abuse young children like that. It has to be your family first and the safety of the young ones. Get rid of him or risk loosing your own family. Good luck, my heart goes out to you.?????

Miss2Mrs, you have been on my mind all day, since reading your post this morning. It has moved me more than anything I have read before on Gransnet. I cannot add more to the advice you have been given, but I just wanted you to know that others out there are thinking about you and praying for you.

I don't know if anyone has suggested that your husband might be ill? Anemia or Diabetes, for instance can show up in irritable, illogical behaviour. Such a horrid situation to be in, and yes, the safety and wellbeing of your grandchildren come first.

Feel very sorry for you Miss2Mrs. You are between a rock and a hard place. But your family should not be hurt in this and I think you have big decisions to make. Best wishes and thinking of you x