Grandchild not allowed to visit my home

It's a shame some feel this post is a valid excuse to extol the virtues of giving up smoking...and how much of a diffwrence it made etc etc blah blah...we ALL know the difference it can make.. I think we're all grown ups here, please try to stick to giving advice and not your life stories on smoking

Hi Scarlet
We are in the same situation with our grandson, firstly the excuse was smoking but when we stopped the excuse was our dogs. You may never find the truth behind the denial of visits and yes it really hurts emotionally to hear that our daughter in law visits everyone else except us... But I make the most of the time we do see our grandson and now when he asks why he can't come to our house, I tell him to ask mummy...they have dictated this so they can explain to him. I am still very angry at my son for lying to us as I spent a week cleaning and repainting after we gave up smoking and still (I felt) we were not good enough... Made worse by the fact they lived with us until 4 months before he was born! You have to put aside your emotions while you are with him, but let them tell him why he is not allowed at your house...DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO LET YOU MAKE THE EXCUSE. You will only be pandering to their poor decision

Scarlett I think your son has a very valid point and is doing the very best he can for his child. Your husband may be a hard working man but where health is concerned that counts for absolutely nothing. I would hope that he would be caring and considerate enough not to need badgering to give up smoking.
As jing says after reading that link my blood also ran cold. It explains so much. My father smoked until he had a heart attack at 47 when he stopped and it was the rest of the family who all started to feel so much better. I stopped suffering from bronchitis all winter long but I have never regained the health that I should have had.

Hi Scarlet1, I so sympathise. All I can say is, stick it out, and take some of the good advice here. It works. Or it did in our case.

Some years ago now, after the birth of DGS2 our DS2 said our home wasn't 'child friendly' so they wouldn't be visiting anytime soon. Nothing to do with smoking (no one in our house smokes), and no further reason was forthcoming. OH and I assumed it must be something the DiL had remarked upon. (In fact she is a lovely woman, though I think they may have had problems gelling in their relationship early on).

Like you, we were heartbroken. Luckily we still had contact and used to meet on neutral ground periodically. Over time, the relationship has improved and they do now come to our house.

We can never know what goes on between our offspring and their spouses. Best to keep things on a very steady keel, so they can work it out and come to their senses. Oftentimes, they do

Hi I can see that this has divided opinion, and I am sorry for that. I was a medical researcher before I retired and I have looked for Empirical evidence. They refer to chemicals over time. Whilst I searching I have found that open fire houses, painted rooms, old properties. environmental pollutants from being in a car or opening a window or using plastic and having a kitchenette dinner all increase the and BQ al increase the risk. The NHS have given some guidance on there website, the article is not based on opinion not physical evidence.
I take on board that my Husband would be better quitting altogether, however he is a hard working man who never smokes in the presence of others, he does not drink he pays his bills and has provided us with a beautiful home. I will not be forced into badgering him into changing. to be fair I have asked people to Be honest about my home and my daughter who is a medical professional and she allows her daughters to visit, she stated that as we don't even have ashtrays in the house on view and her children have never seen the granddad smoke are unaware he does.
My compromised immune system is a result of injury to my stomach and not due to smoking and as I have osteoporosis, I have been advised that laminate flooring is a slip hazard that should be avoided.
My husband feels that we are in a no win situation, we have been given the gift of Shame as what do we say to him when he older, sorry you can not come to our home because it is a health risk, whilst he stays with other relatives. who may or may not have had someone the past who has smoked in the house or bought furniture from a smoker.

My children wasn't allowed to go to my MILs due to smoking.

My midwife and HV put the fear of God into us about 2nd and 3rd hand smoke. She advised us that when my MIL held our baby she had to change her top and wash her hands. Have some gum, and wait up to 30 mins (or 1 hour, can't remember now) and it wasn't a good idea for her to be in a room where smoke is/has been as the smoke literally sticks to everything.
The midwives ask and quizzes pregnant moms on smoking, who smokes in the family, how often to you see them etc and give leaflets. 2nd and 3rd hand smoke is dangerous and people don't realise it.

She had abit of a wobble but started to come to our house weekly (if she didn't cancel)
She was (I think) just happy to see the children. It didn't matter where. We went out places too. We would never ask her to quit smoking as it's her choice, in return she couldn't ask us to take the children to her house which is our choice.

A smoker breathes out the toxic products of smoking long after they finish their cigarette so everyone in the room or car breathes that in. Unless your husband practically lives outdoors, as a regular smoker he is polluting your home as soon as he comes in from his cigarette break. scarlet1 is this baby your first and only grandchild? I'm sorry to say you will need to take precautions for your own health because of your compromised immune system. Children are generally heaving with germs ?

Hi I can see that this has divided opinion, and I am sorry for that. I was a medical researcher before I retired and I have looked for Empirical evidence. They refer to chemicals over time. Whilst I searching I have found that open fire houses, painted rooms, old properties. environmental pollutants from being in a car or opening a window or using plastic and having a kitchenette dinner all increase the and BQ al increase the risk. The NHS have given some guidance on there website, the article is not based on opinion not physical evidence.
I take on board that my Husband would be better quitting altogether, however he is a hard working man who never smokes in the presence of others, he does not drink he pays his bills and has provided us with a beautiful home. I will not be forced into badgering him into changing. to be fair I have asked people to Be honest about my home and my daughter who is a medical professional and she allows her daughters to visit, she stated that as we don't even have ashtrays in the house and her children have never seen the grandad smoke are unaware he does.
My compromised immune system is a result of injury to my stomach and not due to smoking and as I have osteoporosis, I have been advised that laminate flooring is a slip hazard that should be avoided.
My husband feels that we are in a no win situation, we have been given the gift of Shame as what do we say to him when he older, sorry you can not come to our home because it is a health risk, whilst he stays with other relatives. who may or may not have had someone the past who has smoked in the house or bought furniture from a smoker.

I would be more concerned about the amount of cleaning chemicals used.

Totally agree with janeainsworth. Your husband's decision to smoke is totally his, however the consequences escalate. You may clean as much as you like, but the residue is still there. My parents both smoked and died over ten years ago. I have a few books and mementos of theirs, which, after all that time being in a NON SMOKING house, still smell of cigarette smoke. For me it is somewhat comforting but I can understand how this would worry your son.

So many husbands have to go outside to smoke anyhow these days, irrespective of if children visit, so personally I would push him down that route, and use your cleaning time to do something nice

What does your husband say? You seem to be taking all the responsibility around this hurtful situation.

I also just wondered if your son perhaps thinks your compromised immune system is a result of your exposure to third hand smoke and feels he must protect his child even more?

I am concerned about you because of what seems to be excessive cleaning and whether or not you are using harsh chemicals frequently.
Is your husband the father of your son and DGF of this grandchild - if so, can he have a word with your son? Promise to give up smoking, try patches etc? Some surgeries offer group counselling sessions (ours does). Buy him a garden shed? Don't laugh, friend's DH won't give up and she won't let him smoke in the house so he has a cosy shed where he goes to indulge.
Smoking around you if you have a compromised immune system is not fair either and I hope you can come to some arrangement in the meantime to see your DGS.

I may be stating the obvious but it's okay for you & your husband to visit them?...surely this "3rd hand smoke" would follow you?
It does always seem that grandchildren see more of the daughters family than the son'so

Thanks trisher for posting the link. Could not get it to work when I tried earlier. I think a brief perusal of this will make any doubters on the dangers sit up and think.

That article has made my blood run cold. DGSs' other grandparents smoke. Never when the children are present, but they stay in their house, and have done since they were quite small.

Sorry. No advice apart from what has been said. It's a very sad situation for you and you have my sympathy for what that's worth.

No it is a very real excuse. The pollutants left on surfaces are 'third hand smoke' and babies and young children are at most risk. It is linked to damaging development, asthma, and many other conditions. Sadly for you scarlet1 normal cleaning does not remove the pollutants. I am sorry to say I can't see any way for you to change your son's decision, even if your husband stopped smoking today the residue would remain in your home. Maybe as your GS gets older your son will allow visits as he will be less at risk. More info here www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-is-third-hand-smoke/

Perhaps he is worried that his son would make a mess of your super clean house and so he gives a more acceptable excuse .

As a total non smoker I have some understanding where the child's parents are coming from, nonetheless it must be very upsetting.
I doubt that any amount of cleaning would eradicate the smell of smoking form a house where a smoker lives, even if they only smoke outside. I don't think smokers realise just how the smell lingers on their clothes, hair etc.
Our daughter lived with a smoker for a while, he only smoked outside, but we could even smell smoke on her when she visited.

It's overkill, like lots of things these days.

I think this is very sad.We still took our children to see parents/grandparents/aunts and uncles and they all smoked.Very few of them did so when our children were actually there,yes you can smell smoke ( in a smokers home) because it gets into the soft furnishings, but as long as they are not smoking when the child visits there is no danger.One of our grandchildren visits his other Grandma ( who smokes) but not when he comes to visit.We don't smoke but feel this is really punishing both the adult and the child not to allow the child into the house!

Perhaps have a conversation along the lines of "......if grandad stopped smoking when can you visit?" Then you would know if that was the real reason. I am also intrigued why you have carpets as they harbour all sorts of stuff that Vaxing won't shift.

There is a lot of evidence for toxic smoking residue in homes. I can't get the link to work on this but if you google -
Scientific American+what is third hand smoke. Is it hazardous -
you should be able to find a basic resume and other links to follow. Hope that helps.

They are being entirely reasonable to make this choice - their child, their choice. But it is a great shame that this situation has arisen. How about sending OH on a smoking cessation course?

As to your cleaning habits, personally I would say that you are missing out on an immense amount of real living while you are scrubbing and vacuuming. And, it seems it will not influence their decision one whit, so if I were you I would scrap the obsessional cleaning and get out and have some fun! Life is too short for cleaning on that scale.

What on earth is third-hand smoke? Of course most parents, who don't smoke themselves, want their children protected from second-hand smoke – in the house, residue on the hands, body and hair. There is evidence to suggest that that can be hugely damaging, but what is this?