Daughter in law problems

Have you thought of actually asking her what the problem is, and telling her you'd like to sort it out?
Sometimes these situations can go on for ages, with bad feeling accumulating on both sides, simply because one or other parties are unaware that their behaviour is a problem.
It might be difficult to keep it calm and pleasant, and there may be " tongue biting" required, but it"ll be worth it.

That's always the best way forward Daddima IF the OP can be sure to listen and not bite back.

Caren01 - it's not much comfort but I have a friend in a similar situation to you. Her DIL has banned her and OH from their house and her son is not allowed to make contact with them or any of his wider family. If he does, DIL says she'll leave and take the children with her.
I think this resentment has been building up over time and the DIL has snapped. Instead of saying something when Friend has done/said soemthing annoying, her DIL let it go over and over again. Maybe that has happened in your case.
Friend has tried apologising to DIL but no go. She now says she'll go to court if necessary to get access to her grandchildren. I don't know if grandparents have a right of access but not everyone could afford this and it just ramps up the bad feeling.
Daddima - sadly, I don't think the truth will ever be revealed.
I suspect that Friend has been too interfering and made too many comemnts about what she would do in DIL's place. That is her nature and however well-meaning parents think they are, they have to learn to keep silent unless children actually ask for their opinion.
I know it's hard. We are very unhappy about some decisions our own children have made but we have to respect their right to make them and just be there if they need us. We only make comments if we are are asked what we think.
Caren01 - I hope this post hasn't upset you and I wish you all the best.

Even as parents how many of us got every single thing right . . . after all it is the main job and yet there has never ever been a definitive manual. Why on earth suddenly as grand parents should we now just graduate to never ever getting the odd thing just dead wrong?
There should always be give and take in ALL relationships and as grandparents we are indeed very lucky to be presented with either a DIL or a SIL who we naturally and easily get on with. The less compatible this relationship is the more compromise we as grandparents have to make. How much compromise is a tricky issue! To compromise beyond certain/normal limits can lead to all sorts of issues.

I so sympathise.

Very good advice given here.

I've outlined my own situation in a previous thread.

My grandson was devoted to me when he was little still is but it's less intense and I've learnt such a lot in the past eight years.

I always say they "must ask mum and dad" if they want something and often say "I'm just the nan," this makes them laugh but they get the message.

At first I thought I knew everything about bringing up children - we had 3 sons - but I had to rapidly rethink.

It's a different world now and while us Grans often deferred to our own mothers and mothers-in-law that has definitely changed.

Yes, tread carefully Caron. The girls will always love you so just be your own woman and an adult and hold tight.

I often say to myself that I am the adult in the mil/dil situation and always try to be diplomatic and flexible. I don't feel very grown up a lot of the time but I think about all my life experiences and try to be wise.

In my opinion never moan to your son about his wife, that is a bad idea and I've never done it. Your son will naturally side with his wife and that's how it should be.

From experience I have learnt that, as far as DIL's are concerned, grandparents are meant to sit and wait and then are expected jump to attention when they are needed to babysit or fetch from school etc. You either have to accept this arrangement or be cut out of their lives. You have a choice.

Why do people get jealous of the love shown to their children by other members of the family? This makes no sense to me at all, and simply demonstrates some kind of twisted selfishness. My son's children are lucky enough to have four grandparents, all of whom adore them. Wonderful. The other Granny and I get on and I am delighted that my dear GC have another nanny to love them too - the more love they have the better their lives are. Why begrudge your children love? Each person that you love is loved for a different reason, and I always tell my son, DD, 2 x GS and GD that I love them with all my heart, and I tell them often. There is always enough love to go round, it is not rationed, and if this mother is under the impression that depriving her children of the love of their grandparents will make them love her, or love her more, then she is deluded. She is also in for some hard times when they discover why they have been deprived of this most precious of love. If there are some family tensions and things that need sorting, and rules that perhaps this mother feels are not being adhered to then she should talk about it - not cut people off!About time her husband developed a spine too - why be complicit in mental cruelty to his own parents?

DiLs need cultivating unless there is an instant and mutual bond. Everyone likes to think they are doing their best as parents (well nearly everyone). I tell my DiL she's a good parent, that her children are a credit to her, that she's important to me as a DiL

Thinking on, I should perhaps tell my daughter this too

I find there's a low-key rivalry between my DiL & my daughter which I have to juggle and beware that I don't criticise one to the other, or agree if one is being less than sisterly towards the other. They both have very different parenting styles which call for me to be rather two-faced very diplomatic ...but hey ho! anything to keep the peace and my place in their lives.

I love my DiL, just as much as my DS and the GDs. She is a wonderful mother and I couldn't wish for a better wife for my son. Things were a little difficult at first as she comes from another culture. But we all worked out what was expected of each other and it is great now. We are all off on holiday ,all together soon. Can't wait

I haven't read all the answers on this thread so I apologise if I'm repeating something already said but from those I have read it seems that everyone is speculating as to what the problem may be. Couldn't you talk to to your DiL and son, Caren, to find out how you have upset them? I would much prefer to do that and hopefully move things forwards (even if I did have to hear some home truths) than to sit round worrying and not seeing my grandchildren - that must be devastating.

Hope it's resolved soon xx

Falconbird I think you hit the nail on the head with the statement :- it's a different world now, your quite right I would never have dreamt of speaking to my mil disrespectfully even now although she could try the patience of a saint sometimes, but my DILs don't see things the same way I rarely see them unless they want something even when I've been ill they never ask if I'd like some help. So there you go it's a different time, what goes around comes around let's see if they like it when their the MOTHER IN LAW FROM HELL ............LOL

We have no idea why they went to psychologist, but we were requested to go so he could explain that Dana comes from independent family and my son comes from an enmeshed family, now neither is bad until you have to mingle the families, my son has always asked for my help and let me know what is going on in his life, DIL complete oppositeand does not like him telling me anything, I have backed off, no communication left them alone, we were told we could see girls on their birthdays and holidays, this is after we watched these girls for 8 years, this situation flipped overnight and I was told I was a manipulative passive aggressive person on facebook because her Xmas gift card was the wrong amount I messed up shoot me I'm human, this is a gal that never says thank you when we watched the girls and I finally brought that up to my son, she makes a point of saying it sometimesnow. I dont know I know there are MILs that get in their kids business and nag and show up unannounced, I am not one of those and it has taken me by such surprise to be treated this way and to have my DS turn on me.

Your DS does have a duty to support his wife. He also has to live with her so it's not unreasonable that he tries to keep the peace at home.

Support as in moral support.

If you can see your grandchildren on their birthdays and during holidays, you get to see them more than many grandparents who aren't estranged from anyone but just live too far away for frequent visits.

Caren01 I don't think he has turned on you, trouble is this is the woman he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with and you are the woman who gave birth to him loved him and made he the man who he is today, now he is caught up in this situation and is probably torn but you have to face it he will pick his wife but it doesn't mean he doesn't understand how you feel

Caren01 - it is interesting that a psyhologist got involved - I wonder how that arose?
It sounds like your DIL, coming from an "independent" family, sees her husband's wish to keep in touch with his mother as somehow "unnatural" or sees her MIL as some kind of "rival" - putting him in a position where he has to choose.
I think your only option is to let your son know that you want to do what is best for him and the grandchildren and get him to tell you clearly what that is. He probably feels very upset about the whole thing and would probably welcome you saying that you are thinking of him and will always be there for him whenever he needs your moral support.
As parents, we got used to putting our children's needs before our own when they were small. Now it seems that you are having to do the same even though your son is an adult.

I think you should do exactly as the psychologist has advised you to do. You are obviously in the US. They will have paid money for that psychologist's advice. Go along with it. Give it a try.

And remember. there are other things in life besides our flippin' grandkids.

Your right jings but that invisible cord is hard to stretch - never mind let go of!.

I very much doubt if the 'problem' is the son merely "keeping in touch with his mother". Independent sons and daughters keep in touch with their parents.

I think if you have not been undermining or overbearing then it is horrid and unkind to tell you to stop going to sports events. However, I also think that you may have unwittingly been undermining both your DS and DiL, by expecting almost to parent your DGC. Only you know how much you've usurped their place or not. But something must have happened to make such a sudden change.

Thank you all for your opinions I am open minded and I take any suggestions openly, never in a million years would I of thought I would be in this position.

Caren, I'm sure a lot of GPs who are in this position (or worse)never thought they would be there. (((Hugs)))

I agree with PPs (previous posters) that this resentment of DIL's may have been building up for years. In that case, of course, it was a little unfair of her to keep turning to you for childcare and so forth. But, TBF (to be fair), maybe she kept thinking things would get better.

Did she ever indicate to you that she had a problem with something? Or did DS? Maybe if it wasn't resolved after all these years, they decided that some space was needed?

Or perhaps the issue arose more recently. Have you or DH had any trouble accepting that your GDs don't need you as much now (though, of course, they still love you)? It's good that you don't "nag" and so on. But is there any chance that you or DH tend to upstage the parents at the games (or try to) in any way or that they feel you do? If so, this may be another reason why they feel the need to distance you a bit.

The fact that the word "enmeshed" was used concerns me. Does DS turn to you for help that DIL feels they don't need (financial or otherwise)? Perhaps this has become more pronounced in her eyes now that the girls are older and you're not as needed to help with them?

Anyhow, I'm glad you've backed off and I hope you continue in that vein. Enjoy birthdays and holidays if invited (sounds like you will be) and please resist the temptation to use them as an opprotunity to say, "wish we could see you more often" or even "miss you so much." Stay light-hearted at these events and in any cards and so forth. Hopefully, in time, DS and DIL will feel more comfortable with you again and the visits will increase.

I can't add to all the sound advice here. Just to say, been there, done that, etc. Relations with our DS and his family went through a very bad patch some years ago. We backed off, did everything they said they wanted and no more. We remained upbeat and positive with them at all (strictly regulated) times, praised their parenting and often remarked how well the GCs were doing. It was hard not to be included when we thought we should be. But now things are on a much better footing, though we still don't see as much of them all as we'd like. You have to make your own life as well as loving the GCs. Good luck, Caren01