Daughter in law problems

I wonder if you all practice what you preach,especially mothers of daughters.It is not unreasonable(indeed natural) to want to be involved in your child's life,albeit a back seat when they are married.DILs who shut the husbands parents out( unless theirs a valid reason,and I appreciate often there is) are nasty unstable and insecure. The pain they cause can be tremendous.But alas at the end of the day,as they say,if all you've tried has failed,you can only sit back and wait for them to come to you.It really is like a bereavement.
I tread carefully with my DIL,but I enjoy the children and they love me,she appreciates that,thankfully.

There are back seats and back seats.

RHM, I don't think this is just about the sports games. It's that plus the nasty FB message plus the flap over a mistake on a gift card - and, overall, what seems to be a sudden and drastic change!

Caren, about the Xmas gift card - It sounds so petty of her! But was it one of those situations where everybody agreed not to spend more than a certain amount and the gift card was over the limit? Cuz that infuriates some people. And if you've had any issues with her over money before, this could have been sort of a "last straw." I know it was just an error on your part, but SHE MIGHT NOT believe that.

Regardless, I think her comment on FB was immature and vindictive. So sorry about that! I would say to unfriend her but that might cause more trouble. Perhaps, though, you could choose the option that says to "hide all posts from" her? That might be a good idea.

Oh, since you were told you can see your GDs on birthdays and holidays, maybe you can invite them on or around a holiday. But where birthdays are concerned, I would wait to see if you're invited, whether to a party or just for a visit since parents usually plan the events for kids' birthdays.

Also, please be careful to read Blinko's post. I think it's very inspiring!

As for other poster's here who have similar problems, I feel for you and again hope Blinko's post will help, as well as those of others who have managed to get along with their DILs and stay in touch with their GC.

Marmark1, you said, "I wonder if you all practice what you preach,especially mothers of daughters"

I certainly do. It may be a little easier with DDs than with DILs cuz there's love between DMs and DDs. But I still have to be careful not to overstep in any way, I've learned, or it leads to a lot of conflict. There are members here in other threads who have been pushed away or even cut off by their DDs, so I know that could happen to me, too, if I'm not careful.

Anya, I have the same situation with my DDs! I try to just praise each one for her strengths and respond positively with whatever she's doing that I can even remotely agree with. That way I feel I'm being honest, even though I'm agreeing with 2 different styles (and I DO see good in both). But it's tricky sometimes. I hear what you;re saying!

Caron, I've been thinking about this some more. Totally guessing, but I imagine the youngest of the 4 girls is now in fulltime school and that's why you and DH are no longer needed to babysit so often. If it's any comfort, please realize that your time with them was bound to lessen, anyhow, for this reason alone.

But it also occurs to me that DS and DIL may feel they left you people with the girls too often, over the years, and that, as a result, you became too much on the level of "parents." So maybe they're trying to rectify that now by cutting back your role in the girls' lives/cutting back on visits. To you two, this looks like an "overnight" change, but to them it may be a matter of fixing a problem that has been bothering them - or, at least, bothering DIL - for a long time. That doesn't explain the gift issue, excuse the cruel FB comment or change the fact that this is hurtful for you. But perhaps it explains a little bit where this is coming from.

I get your worrying that DIL "doesn't want (you) around." But on the face of things, it seems as if she's ok with you and DH coming to birthday parties. It's probably not so much a matter of trying to keep you away as trying to set new and stricter boundaries. So DIL may be fine with your appearing at a birthday, as long as you stay within the new boundaries and don't try to be included in events that doesn't cover. If you find it's too tense when you attend the next birthday party, then by all means, rethink this. But if not - or if DIL avoids you to minimize the tension - then no reason, IMO, not to continue going and seeing/celebrating with your GDs. Best of luck!

I think you should really back off and only go to things you are invited to. Why should your dil think her children prefer you? Her wishes come first and your sons loyalty is to his wife and children after all. I absolutely adore my dil but rarely see her, she isn't in to entertaining so I dont t get invited, I long ago gave up the idea of seeing them as a family, they lead such busy lives, both working, weekends running teenagers around, so any invite I made was invariably refused, but my son loves her and she is a brilliant mom, that is what matters. You have your husband, so enjoy your precious time with him. It is easy for these situations to end in estrangement and you don't want that because they can become permanent.

This is the week of the birthday party and I am dreading it! I have not heard a word from my son and I've found out my DIL is posing on her Pinterest board articles about Narcissistic Mothers and other hateful articles, I really want to walk up to her and ask when she got her PhD? I'm going to party but will have to keep my tongue between my teeth!

Prove her completely wrong. If she's got you labelled as a narcissist, find out what narcissistic tendencies are and make 100% sure you don't display any of them. Don't read any of her posts. On the day of the party, have something else fun/interesting to do so you have something else to think about to distract you from the negative thoughts. But don't talk about whatever that is to your S or DIL, because that will give them the opportunity to say you were only thinking about yourself at your GD's party. Take it one day at a time. Good luck!

Dramatictessa, thank you!

I'd avoid Facebook and Pinterest and if people want to tell you what she is saying on social media - just say you don't want to know.

I would also never go to a sports day unless invited. Just not appropriate surely?

Chin up - and behave impeccably - what could possibly go wrong!

Never gone to a sports game unless invited, was basically told if we did that we would only see my grandchildren on their birthdays. Chin up tongue between teeth!

RAMBLINGROSE Grandparents do not have rights to see Grandchildren so going to court is pointless .

grandparents do not have an automatic right to contact with their grandchildren but family courts do recognise the invaluable role that grandparents have to play in their grandchildrens lives and it is very rare that the court would refuse a grandparent access to grandchildren unless there is evidence of abuse or violence...

Caren, think you need to step back for a while and wait for invites, I know how hard it is, but the children know you love them, but the mother always has the final say, just send the cards and gifts and wait for invites and hopefully things will improve.

I was invited to birthday party and I am going

As the GDs get older they'll make up their own minds about their relationships with you. Go when invited and be calm and quiet, don't try to be too helpful or deliberately attract attention. Let the GDs approach you, don't fuss over them.
Relationships with GC inevitably change as they get older and their lives become busier. Just enjoy the times you do share with them.
Sports events aren't everything!

The birthday party was fine my DS approached me first and I let my DIL find me to say Hello, I am now going to become invisible! Yes, the GC will grow up and come see me whenever they want!

So glad to hear it went well Caren. Here's hoping your family relationships continue to improve and you can all enjoy each other's company in the coming years.

I'm a current parent of young kids and not a grandparent so here are my peacekeeping "tips" from the other camp.

If there's tension between you and the parents, important events for the children are not good times to have the attention away from them by the focus being on the tension going on between grandparents and parents IMO. So things like sports days, and birthday parties (which god knows are stressful enough!) might not be good times, because everyone should be focused on the kids, and with the best will in the world (on both sides), if there's tension between the adults then it distracts from that.

So for now, perhaps don't ask to go to the stuff where it's important that it's all about the kids. Go for neutral times when everyone is a bit less stressed and there isn't pressure as it is, like there would be on a birthday party.

That's not to say you don't get to see them for their birthday, it just means that you could see them for a birthday treat at a time when the parents aren't under added pressure to make a fun party and manage a room full of kids if you see what I mean.

So leave he sports days alone for now, and maybe ask if there is something you can treat them to for the birthdays on a convenient day (birthday treats don't need to be on the actual birthday. The parents will be more relaxed, so things between you might be marginally less tense than during a party/sports day.. so less scope for problems.

As for your babysitting and weekends.. I have to say, the times grandparents have "babysat" for us, was in fact in our mind more for them than for us, they were keen to babysit, and we let them even though it's not as relaxing for us as leaving the kids with their regular babysitters… Which is not to say we are ungrateful when GPs babysit.. but it means more preparation and instructions and a bit more stress on our part than our regular babysitter.. but we do it mainly because it's nice for the GPs and because they ask to do it.. and yes we do have a nice time out while they do it, but we don't feel as "off the hook" when we go out under those circumstances. Obv it depends on the grandparents, our ones who babysit are quite "out of practice" (but keen and well meaning)

There are people I care about who I do not want on facebook - facebook brings out the worst in people, and quite frankly it can sometimes make me like people less because facebook can bring up topics which make people fall out like current affairs and politics (especially coming up to Brexit ) so I find its less problematic to keep family off facebook and use it just for friends. I

Just a different perspective incase it's helpful

sorry didn't see the update - didn't notice the tread had more than one page - oops! glad everyone enjoyed the party

Can I question why sports days are so significant to you?
Do you consider it an essential grandparenting experience?

I have to say that there's very few grandparents at my girls sports days.

Also from the DILs point of view, sports day can be an opportunity to get to know parents you don't see at pick-up/drop off, building relationships for playdates/sleepovers - it can be socially challenging for the mums and dads, school gates politics and all that, so to try and smile and be likeable enough for your kids to get invited for playdates (yes! some parents only invite kids of parents they like is hard enough.. without people witnessing your family "dirty laundry" of you and your MIL having tension.

Know what I mean?

(FYI I get on great with my ILs and wouldn't mind them being there although it wouldn't occur to me to ask them since (shhh don't tell the kids) it's REALLY dull LOL! and I usually invite them for funner days out with the kids. However, I don't get along with my own mum, and it would be absolutely awful having her at sports day.. when I'm trying to mingle and be friendly with the DDs friends parents so that we can arrange sleepovers and the DDs don't get left out - it's already bloody stressful.. the mum politics.. it would be hideous trying to keep up the smiley face whilst managing the rubbish that goes on between me and my mum on front of everyone. And the consequences could potentially being the DDs friends parents thinking that their DDs would be around that kinda tension if they came to our homes and being reluctant to arrange playdates….
… so it all affects the kids..

Since day 1 they told us when the soccer and basketball and softball games were, didnt go to all of them with 4 girls they were glad I was there on some games when they would have to take the other children to a different field and I stayed with the one playing. So that was one way we got to see the GC. This went on for several years until last January there were words wuth my son when something was mentioned that my DH had looked at a villa out by them not next door not down the street but you would have thought I had said we were moving in with them, then the nasty texts and posting on facebook since then they have closed their accounts, and no more invites to games started, then we were invited for Easter as long as I behaved as I was told by my DS, let me say I was the receiver of these texts not the giver my DS finally blocked me and my DD on DIL phone so she would stop. Easter was fine I was nice polite and a couple weeks later we were asked to go see therapist that my DS and DIL had gone to. We went what he explained made perfect sense, we were all suppose to go back together but DIL refused. We have seen the GC but I dont ask for them to come over as a family for dinner or ask if we can take GC to zoo the answer is no so I stopped. Thank god for my circle of girlfriends a couple of them go thru similar circumstances and my supportive DH. So as I said I am not calling or texting my DS I will remain silent I unfollowed DIL from Pinterest since she started pinning articles on Narcissistic Mothers and other nasty pins.

Thank you

I remember how different relationships between DIL and MIL used to be. I would never have dreamed of cutting my MIL out of my DS's life. My son adored his DGM - both of them actaully. Once when he got really good exam results, without telling me, she gave him a large amount of money. It created havoc, it was too much for him to handle and if she had asked me, I would have suggested a smaller sum. It undermined me. But I said nothing to her then and carried on. I mentioned it to her when she retired that it had not been a good idea. Times have changed.

Grandparents can apply to the Family Courts for right to apply for access. There are a couple of good charities around advising grandparents - Grandparents Network or even Families need Fathers can advise grandparents about access ideas.
Of course, applying could just wind things up. Taking the time to wait and see if things mend on their own might be better.