Parental expectations

I'm no expert in the development of young children-far from it- but it's my understanding that children do not socialise in any meaningful sense until they are 3 or 4 years old. I believe too that "learning" at this age is meaningless. The child is still practically a baby fgs!

Many of us have undertaken activities with our little charges; I took dd to a lovely little music group (sobs nostalgically) but it was for MY benefit, not dd's. It was something to do, to get out of the house, to meet people, to give structure to the day in between naps and meals.

I think what's most worrying about your situation, OP, is the lack of respect your daughter seems to have for you. Not only have you brought up children yourself, but you have also had a long and successful career as a teacher of other people's children. Not only does your daughter appear to have no respect for that, but she doesn't seem to give a jot about your wellbeing either.

I'm sorry but she sounds utterly deluded and selfish. She's going to have one heck of a shock when the LO starts school.

I can understand the 11-3 rule, especially in the summer, but that depends on the level of sunshine and what shade is available outside. What I find 'odd' is the French lessons twice a week and the 'music'. I've been to a couple of these so-called 'music' sessions and the toddlers sat either beside their carer or on their lap. There was little, if any, social interaction between the children. And the music could easily have been replicated, and even bettered, at home.

I used to look after three grandchildren under school age most days. Happily they are all now at school, the last one started in last September. And they are hard work, but worth it. If, however there is only one, and likely to remain an only child and grandchild, there is a danger of 'hot-housing'.

I'd get her to a good play and stay group and let her learn how to interact with other children; how to hold her own in the house corner, claim her place on the slide and join in the sing-song at the end.

Thank you all. Your advice and empathy is much appreciated. I love being a gaga (my title) and I will take on board lots of you advice.

Buy her some sunblock clothes and let her enjoy the fresh air regardless of the time of day. I know she will miss out on the Vit D but she won't go home with sunburn.

It does sound as though your DD is a bit over-anxious - very difficult to deal with I can see.

I also look after my dgs whilst his mum and dad are at work. We have breakfast together then he plays with his toys whilst I get sorted. The TV is usually on but he doesn't take much notice, preferring the company of the dog. On a Monday and Wednesday he has playgroup for the under 3's and at other times we go swimming, the park or, because we live on the coast, if it's not pouring with rain, we walk along the beach. Although it's usually exhausting we enjoy our time together and I try to make things educational where appropriate. My daughter very rarely questions what I do, she trusts that I will look after him in the same manner she was brought up. As I try to avoid conflict at all costs I would take things one step at a time with you dd. Could you perhaps say that you are no longer available on a Monday as you have another engagement with your husband. Then, after a few weeks, speak to her about one or two of the other rules. I'm sure she is really doing what she thinks is best but 2 French lessons, 1 music lesson, 1 craft lesson and no TV does, in my opinion, seem a little excessive for a 29 month old. Good luck

I totally agree with grannyactivist: putting it as "just spell out that you need to do some things in your own way and not hers and although you hope it won't come to that you will quite understand if she wants to get another carer so that you and your husband can revert to being grandparents rather than virtually full-time carers" may seem a bit passive-aggressive, but it politely gets the point across that she's being unreasonable and using you, and stands to lose a lot if she doesn't loosen up a little.

They do burn very easily at that age; my granddaughter came back from nursery with sunburn and we're furious about it.

That was an interesting post. At soft play a while ago I met a grandmother with 2 DGs from different families. She said it was very difficult because each family had very different (and conflicting, of course) rules about food. I wondered how I would cope with that. In my case it's "granny's rules" when they're with me.

Between 11 and 3?? That's quite ridiculous. That's four hours out of your day when you could all be getting some valuable fresh air and exercise, and if the weather turns sour in the late afternoon, you've blown it altogether. My DD was equally concerned about GS being in the sun, but as long as he had sun cream on and a hat, she was quite happy for him to be out at every opportunity. You need to have a word!

Overuse of sunblock can of course affect Vit D levels -is she aware of that? You also do not say whether you are in the South of Spain or Inverness!! My DD has a nanny for her 2 youngest(4 1/2 and 21 months) and she makes a point of ensuring they are out in the fresh air/park every day whatever the weather, running, chasing, playing (anything to tire them out)
Is it really being nosey to ask why you have such a high % of her care, and from, I think you said, a "few weeks old"? You are clearly lucky to enjoy good health, but is there a back up were one of you to be ill?
If your DD has not had to experience and witness the rough and tumble of a toddler's fun and games, she may well be overprotective and I would be concerned about the absence of socialisation as the little one is not at nursery.

Sufuller, I absolutely understand why you are doing so much and respect you both for it. You did say though that you take your grand daughter to activities because your daughter doesn't drive. Is that through choice on her part or for some other reason?

If it is through choice, you could ask her to start learning so that she could take herself to Tumbletots on a Monday and you could have a free day. Of course, it may be that you cherish the couple of hours with your daughter, or that they don't have sufficient disposable income to run a car.

Someone has also mentioned the 30 hours childcare. I'm not up to date with current childcare funding, but could it be another possibility for giving you a day off, that she goes to a nursery one day each week?

You do all have my sympathy, it seems difficult to get a happy medium and, as parents who have already done it, we are painfully aware of how fast that pre-school time goes.

My DD is obsessed with my DGD getting in burnt. We do slather her in sunblock but she is not allowed out between 11-3.

My goodness , I cannot imagine how exhausting this amount of childcare must be . Your Daughter chooses to work . I don`t agree with the notion that both parents have to work full time , surely it is to do with making adjustments during the first years of your childs life so that you can manage on less money for a few years .
You obviously have no time for yourself but from reading your OP you seem OK with this ? In your position I would have to put my foot down about endless rules for which there seems no logical explanation apart from control .

I am still working as a nursery nurse and have twenty years experience with children and it was with great interest o read your comment I have to deal with grandmothers who are doing a lot to help with family's and working as well. Your granddaughter does seem to be extremely occupied sometimes it would just be nice to see her play learning is fine but learning overload can relate to boredom when starting school as she does seem to lead a busy life! What worries me is what time do you and your dear husband have together? I have four grandchildren and don't do half as much as you!

It strikes me that you are doing everything that a registered childminder would do - and probably more. If you were a registered childminder, you would be inspected by OFSTED - I know how much you would love that, being former teachers! I wonder how your DD's rules would measure up to OFSTED's standards. Would they, for example have hard and fast stipulations about outdoor play?

As a retired nursery teacher I am mystified why there would be restrictions on the child playing outside! Small children absolutely should be outdoors as much as possible. You can take practically any learning outdoors. That's why Finland have the best education in Europe!

Right at the beginning of thead I think I asked if you could give us some background e.g.the circumstances behind WHY you have taken on full time childcare from such an early age.
I find it hard to understand.
Just as I find it hard to understand how your DD can lay down the law about the fine detail of your routine without apparently any practical experience herself.

Good Grief!!!!
I do some childminding for my grandchildren but never on a regular basis-
It's much too tiring for over 60's and when on earth do you get time to meet your friends, do your hobbies, go out together for the day, gardening, cooking,theatre, cinema etc etc?????

My grandparents had me to stay for a fortnight holiday, we went to my MIL for holidays, but neither took on a childcare role. However, in my day most mums stayed at home and went back on a part time basis when our children were at secondary school. Now both parents have to work and childcare for two children can cost one parent's salary. My DIL works long hours, my son works from home and cares for his small daughters. He does go away on business frequently so the care falls either on me or the other grandparents. We try to takes turns. We don't resent it in fact we would prefer to care for them rather then strangers. They are easier to look after now one is at school full time, the other about to go into Reception. I find the parents are very supportive of how we care for them. None of us feed the children on a diet of sweets and tv , any punishment meted out is supported by them. None of us believe in smacking. It can be tiring, especially if it's a time of a week or more. But I enjoy it very much. My DIL is such a caring host and always ensures my favourite food is in her larder. I feel very lucky.

My biggest problem, if I'm totally honest, is that I am totally besotted with my DGD and she is likely to be the only one I will ever have. It's true that we do spend more time with her than we did with our own children but we gave more time and patience now.. We gave got a lot of things to consider thanks to your contributions.

We didn't have a TV at home when my children were young, but I would never have imposed my rules on other people who were kind enough to look after my children - and that included the childminder who permitted her charges to watch a limited amount of TV with my blessing. My house, my rules - your house, your rules.

i do a fair bit of grannying but my 3 dgc also go to a (brilliant) childminder. I currently work f/t but am reducing my hours as its a bit much with all the grannying. My 2 daughters have never given me any rules and I know it's different at my house to dgc's homes. I am trusted to care for the LO's, I probably do less educational stuff than OP but we do bake, read books, garden and talk. We are all very close.
I think it would be fair to point out - as pp's have said - that nurseries and other chilcare provisions will have their own rules and children accept this quite readily.
You really are doing them a massive service by providing so much (presumably free) childcare and clearly your DD trusts you, she is just being a tad controlling and this is likely due to feeling sad about leaving her DD whilst she goes to work. Motherhood is never easy, whether SAHM or Working Mum and it sounds like your DD is struggling a bit. If she can relax her rules, she might actually feel less anxious as she is less responsible.
Also, could DD take advantage of some of the funded hours so DGC could go to another provision once or twice a week and you and DH can have some time together without being exhausted?

Thank you silverlining48. I'm so glad I'm not the only one in thus situation. The trouble is that it is me that would feel guilty if I stopped looking after DGD. Hey ho! I do feel better for sharing my thoughts. Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. Happy grandparenting to one and all.

On your original question, if you are doing all the hard work day to day, it should be your rules ( your house?)Bar filling her up with sweets and biscuits of course.

I think you are doing way too much, in fact, you are not just helping out, but bringing up this little girl.
the parents have to learn to be parents, and you didn't retire to have another job ( did you?)