Childcare or dogsbody

jenpaxI am very positive with my DIL actually. I make anpoint of saying posiitve things about hownthe kids behave , how well they support thebkids ...though sometimes worry about being patronising. I am not extremely critical of my DIL , my post is ver specifically about the balance between childcare and grandparenting/ whole family time. I am sorry that your MIL was very critical of you but I truly believe that that experience is clouding how you are reading my comments and my upset!
MOnica the handover is a possibility but is not addressing the issue of family time all together. As I said above I am always being positive whenever I see something, I truly am! I don't criticise, its not really my place to isnit, we try very very hard to stick to thwir rules and wishes when looking after the children to be consistent. We always back the parents up if and when the children try playing us off against each other(eg Daddy says no to something...so like any 4 year old, lets try Nanny!) I know that my grandchildren love being with us and when we are around they want to sit with us at the table etc ...I sometomes wonder kf my DIL feels threatened by that, but I dont know what to do about it. I loved it when my own children had that sort of realtionship with my parents ...so not sure why it might be a problem but do get the feeling that it is.

Have you tried praising her and telling her what a good mother she is and sympathising with having to combine work and childcare? You may not really think that but she could perhaps feel inadequate in your presence and leave parenting to you when you are around because she is a afraid you will be critical of what she does so a bit of praise may help her.

You could also just say sometimes. 'I am feeling really tired, I am going to have to hand the children to you for the next half hour because I need a rest' - and doing so.

You do sound a bit unkind about your DIL it sounds like she is very depressed. You don't really know what things are like in their home when you aren't there may be your son is not as helpful as he is when you are around! My own MIL was extremely critical of me when my girls were growing up and my DH did not stand up for me it made me very unhappy and undermined eventually the children picked up on her attitude and gradually no longer wanted to spend time with her. Her negativity and critical attitude rubbed off!

gettingonabit bluntness appreciated because in my heart of hearts it is how I feel I suppose. I genuinely love being with my grandchildren but I also love family time, chatting, catching up on each others lives ...not just there for childcare because others find it hard!

nanasam That made me laugh ...a touch familiar! What I have been describing is not quite that...the grandchildren very much awake and no dog to walk and DS continuously being called by "resting " wife so impossible to have a proper conversation!

I had to laugh to myself a few Christmases ago. DS/DIL, DD/DSIL/2DGSs were with us for Christmas. After DH and I doing all the preparation and cooking the feast, the whole lot of them promptly fell asleep, leaving DH and myself to clear up, which took about 2 hours. After all that, looking forward to a nice rest, there was nowhere for us to sit! I took the dog out for a walk....

Of course you're not being unreasonable! I'm sure you love your grandchildren-that's a given-but having to supervise them while their mother goes for a bloody rest. !

We've all been there-struggling to deal with feeling crap and ill when the kids are running us ragged. It's tough. But that's part of parenting. It's supposed to be tough ffs! It can be bloody exhausting, tedious, frustrating, thankless. And no, not necessarily enjoyable. Just because they're grandkids, and your grandkids, it does not necessarily follow that you have to enjoy them all the time. Or even like being with them much although it's not always pc to admit it.

I think you're being taken for a mug, at least by your DIL. If she's finding things "difficult", how does she think it it for you, a woman probably at least twice her age?

She sounds lazy and entitled to me.

Sorry to be blunt.

Eloethan thank you for your understanding ....yes I am having a bit of a moan and also I suppose checking out whether how I am feeling is reasonable...clearly from the many replies some people think it is, others do not!

Vetting on a bit ....I would tend to agree, and that is probably part of my feeling .w..as I struggle to understand why everything is apparently so "impossible" with two children, and why even with one, things vet "difficult:! I suppose we are all different but I find it a bit pathetic at times, and then I feel mean!

Some people don't seem to have listened to what gettingonabit said. She is happy to help and seems to be doing quite a lot. She feels she is being taken somewhat for granted and sometimes she finds it a bit annoying and quite tiring.

She is saying how she feels and I don't see how it is helpful to suggest that she should be grateful she sees them at all. It doesn't sound like she's being hyper-critical of her daughter in law - in fact in many ways she has been quite complimentary about her. She's just having a bit of a moan - and surely we're all allowed to do that sometimes.

From what you say, it's your DIL who needs to "get over herself", not you.

Kids are hard work. That's a fact. Unless she has a medical problem, she needs to step up.

What would happen if your ds and yourself weren't there?

I do enjoy them very much, as I believe I made clear in my first post! Anyway thank you again for all the thoughts and advice! My DIL is not ill in my view, its more about an approach and attitude really! It is not that my son does the lion share of childcare when I am around, he really does do the lion share as she finds it difficult to cope! I don't mind helping, I do help a great deal! But I do also feel that family time is for all of us to be together not another me doing the childcare session ...when I already look after them weekly, babysit regularly and often step in when asked because she finds very hard to cope with both of them together. This isn't even just a traditional fraught MIL/DIL situation ....we don't argue, generally there is little tension etc etc ...although it did take time to build up the relationship! But I am worried about bringing in this whole family time not babysitting conversation, because I think it could cause tensions and difficulties and I suppose it isn't worth it. I probably just have to "get over" myself on this one, and go with the flow!

My grandchildren and of course their parents came back from holiday about an hour ago. I can't wait to see them and I . probably come home with loads of dirty washing. I'll be out of the door
as soon as the cake comes out of the oven. I've missed them so much and they have been away for over 2weeks. Enjoy them when you get the chance, they grow up so quickly.

I would enjoy your grandchildren and realise that it won't last forever, and that maybe the children when they are older will still want to visit you, you have a great chance to forge links with your grandchildren sieze it and be glad your daughter in law trusts you with her children. How would you feel if she didn't and was reluctant to leave them with you.

The whole relationship between MIL and DIL can be fraught, as I know to my cost. It maybe is that your DIL unfortunately, does not feel very comfortable with you and also thinks that you love your grandchildren more than her ( why not) and so she deliberately stays out of your way. I love my own children and grandchildren more than I love their wives and husbands. I don't dislike them at all but they are my children's choice not mine.
I am a MIL , and of course I am a DIL. My MIL made me feel anxious ( she is in a home now with dementia) I never felt comfortable with her and so I did avoid being with her as much as possible. I also allowed my husband to appear to do things with the children when she was around as she wouldn't criticise him.
In fact I did most of the child care.
You do say that in the past, things you have said have been taken as critism....I think you are really on eggshells with a DIL and should not suggest/ offer advice or use those fatal words ' if I was you'
I think the only solution is to go home and stop being so accommodating. If you mention your DIL's failings to your son.....what is he going to do with the information? If he prefaces any conversation with his wife with' My mother said' well it doesn't take much imagination to realise what her reaction will be.
I think if you feel so resentful then your only recourse is to stop being so helpful. Sorry

My granddaughter lives with me so I am her parent anyway just continuing on

I would accept it and be glad that they visit so many people seem to have dil or sil that don't have any contact and even don't allow visits She could be aneamic, depressed, not sleeping at night or just got a low energy level and obviously feels comfortable enough to go lie down and confident enough to let you deal with things I d say be happy Two of my grandkids live in NZ and I ve only seen then four or five times since my son went out 20 years ago you are lucky to have plenty of contact and honoured you are trusted, try not to feel resentful the dil may find the visits that you love difficult and it sounds as if your son is trying to keep both you and her happy Just accept and be happy the visits may not be as you want them but at least you are getting plenty of contact

Had to laugh when I read this ....not at the originator of the post, but at the memory of when my daughter was small ! We all lived in Essex, almost the East End of London, and my in laws were all east enders of the old fashioned variety ...the (Auntie Amy, Auntie Millie, Auntie Florrie, Grandad and Nanna ...would all dash to get their hands on my daughter ....and suggest I might want to go out shopping in Romford, or up to London .....so they could get her to themselves where she was the centre of attention ....including being given (aargh !) bread dipped in sugar (well, she's teething they would say !) ......she was thoroughly spoiled. They even took her on holidays to Portugal with my sister in law, and down to their caravan in Devon for as long as they possibly could .....my husband and I were working full time, and used to go down for a week with them as well .....then they would take her to Yarmouth, Walton on Naze, I hardly ever saw her ! When my husband (their son) and I got divorced, I would take the train from Chelmsford, via Gidea Park, where grandad would pick up my daughter from the train, and hand her back when I came back from working in London all day .....all worked very well. She loved her grandad, but not so much her Nanna, as she was a real east ender, who spoke her mind !

Som enjoy them whilst you can ....dont give them sugar sandwiches though ! ....get a paddling pool and a tent for the garden in the summer (supervised, if they are young !) and enjoy the time you have with them. You will build up a wonderful relationship with them if you are lucky, which will last long into their adulthood .....as did my daughter's with her grandparents. In later years, she would make a round trip from University in her little car, avoiding my house , then in Nottinghamshire, down the motorway to Romford just to see Grandad ! She phoned me up one night at 10.30pm (by then I was living in Spain !) to ask how to get from Saffron Walden to Romford .......my ex b i l lives in Stansted, so I got him to go find her and show her the road to Romford !

Som if you can ignore the fact that your d i l annoys you by going to have a lie down, just offer her a cup of tea when she wakes up, and tell what fun you have had with the children. Hopefully she will feel grateful for the break, and you will feel better ! Above all, it will only be a passing phase in life ! Read the Desiderata ....very true !

Underactive thyroid or B12 deficiency should also be checked How old is she?Does she work outside the home?

I wonder if she's got ME, or is anaemic or has some other health concern....I agree with Nonnie that you might say to her "Are you alright?" as long as it sounds like genuine concern and not an accusation, maybe putting your hand on her arm.... Sorry, that sounds really prescriptive. I know someone who behaved like that, abdicating responsibility the moment other people were around, but then she was a single parent and had ME.
Good luck.

I used to love visiting my DPs (quite often for a few days when DH was working-they lived 120 miles away)when my children were small as tey woukd take over the entertainng and mum would feed us all I wasnt even allowed to wash up .It was bliss and I felt so loved and cherished.And fit to go out and 'fight the good fight'i.e. cope once more .Admittedly I would sit and chat with them when DCs were in bed.But sometimes we would all three sit companionably and read
I assume you see the family quite often and are au fait with their 'doings' and am a bit bemused by your need to sit and chat I'd expect to do so over a meal,say .Your DIL sounds exhausted and possibly depressed to me and I would be trying to talk to your son about it .

I'd let it go.
Count yourself blessed.
Won't be long before hey grow up and perhaps lots of granny time isn't so fun anymore.

Perhaps she doesn't trust her own parents with the children as she trusts you and maybe they aren't as good as you at looking after the children. If she was badly parented she may be very conscious of this and it may be why she struggles herself. Try to see the positive side and enjoy what is happening, our GCs are small for such a short time

Enjoy your grandchildren. Do not complain. I don't think you should have concerns that you feel you are treated differently from her mother and father. I think that would be quite natural.

DiL sounds very tired and as some grans-netters have suggested may be a bit depressed.

Be their rock now and I am sure that in the future, as the children grow older, you will have more company from your son and DiL. when the grand children are teenagers they may even be out when you come to visit!

I sympathise with you Granali; but sometimes DILs & sons aren't either capable or prepared to say how they really feel about you. Perhaps your DIL will only realise what a kind MIL you were after you've gone! I had absolutely nothing in common with my MIL; I resented her inability to ever make me feel good enough for her son. She did, however allow the children & me to stay for considerable periods of time without complaint. Looking back I think her cold behaviour was something she couldn't help. Sometimes we are treated like dogsbodies, which hurts our pride, but your grandchildren will look back with pleasure on the way you looked after them when they are adults, if not now, and they are the important ones.

I'm talking about when they all visit as a family. My son, who as I said earlier, does the lions share of childcare when at home mornings, evenings and weekends, tends to move between my DIL who goes and lies down, and back to js...asking if we are ok with the kids whilst he sees if she is ok etc etc ...this carries on until she reappears , meaning that our family time to chat etc is completely taken over. she usually reappears once the next meal is on the table or if she wants something. I know this is all sounding pretty moany, .w..I think I partly just feel it is rude, as well as I am sad that our time together vets spoiled a bit. Of course my grandchildren love doing things with us, and we have a lovely time when we look after them every week, but after family days together when I want to chat all together I always end up feeling disappointed, resentful and a bit sad! Ive tried saying how its nice when we can all chat, asking about what she/ they has been up to and offering to change nappies whilst she sits and relaxes or talks to the others ...but the same thing keeps happening and I suppose I also feel a bit taken for granted. As I said she never does this with her own family. Oh well, reading all this posts back I am grateful for the advice, suggestions and common sense and will carry on enjoying my grandchildren and the family as best as I can!