Child minding

Meant to add it's NOT you it's THEM.

Well I think you are quite right about the eating. Presumably they don't intend him to sip baby food for the rest of his life and I'm sure drawing attention to to how he is eating wouldn't help him.

If they both have good jobs why don't they just pay for child care? They are getting to school age so a good nursery would be a step forward for them. Or are the parents afraid that they couldn't order nursery staff about like they do you?

Have you got a sympathetic GP who would agree that you are suffering from stress and must drastically cut back on the hours you are spending with your grandchildren?

My grandson has not eaten solids since birth due to scarring in his throat but eats baby food and blended food. My son and dil were implying that by allowing him to use a baby spoon that the amount on the spoon couldve made him cough and think hes choking and that could set him back and stop him eating by himself. I fully understand that but he knows when theres too much on a spoon for him to cope with and he will take some off..which is why i discreetly watched him when he picked up the other spoon...that is why theyre saying ive risked his life. I understand what they mean but theyre not understanding that if he wasnt happy with that spoon he wouldnt have used it and wouldve asked for his spoon. I feel terrible about them saying i put his life at risk. I am a trained first aider should anything have happened. Im so upset because i love my G/C so much. Ive never interfered on their upbringing. They are very good parents aside from this. They work, have good jobs etc. Its me and i dont know why all they say is i dont listen..They make it hard not to listen.
Thankyou everyone, i am trying to take on board your advice xxx

Crikey. I thought I was burdened after looking after my nine month old g/s for ten hours, every other week.
The only reason I'm not willing to do more is that it absolutely knackers me out and I feel,so tired that I feel,I'll.

How you manage with all,you do, I just don't know.

I think you will have to be assertive with them. They are clearly being unkind and bullying.

I wouldn't put up with it, personally.

My advice would be to it sit it out, and wait and see, get on with enjoying your own life. Similar thing happened to me when I was unable to care for my disabled grandchild anymore. Unfortunately, it took a couple of years before I received anything near an apology. the best thing is the grandchildren never forgot me and were with the cuddles as if I'd never been away

Reading this post has made me incensed! How dare your son and DIL behave so disrespectfully to you! I have done a lot of childcare for DDs over the years but have never been treated like that. They have always been grateful.

If they use childcare they will soon discover that the childminder/nursery has strict boundaries as far as pickups and holidays go. And they will also discover that emotional blackmail is not a possibility.

Childminders and nurseries don't do overnights either!!

Hold back, don't beg and I'll bet they come crawling back looking for help. If/when that happens, you need to negotiate some ground rules.

Dear Tinytotx2

Your son and DiL's behaviour is not normal. You say it started when the children were born. DiL may have come from a very controlling family where child development is not understood and children are expected to do what they are told and also their grandparents.

From what you have written it is difficult to make sense of why they act as they do as it is so unreasonable. They may be under an enormous stress due to debt, poor housing, insecure jobs etc.

The first action to take with any bullying behaviour is to be quite firm about who you are an what you are able to offer.

Your health does come first so I would book a pilates class or what ever and say that you you can only help out with the grand children on the other 4 days etc. If they question this, you may even say your GP has advised you to go to classes for your health etc. And that's it no further explanation and no apologies.

I expect they are a bit envious of you as you have time and probably a friendly well loved house. You have earned this so do not throw it away. Protect yourself.

You also need to think about how they take holidays without telling you when you have set time aside to look after the grandchildren. And there is the issue of the eating pattern.

Perhaps yous should keep a diary and try to start to understand what you think is going on.

This will be very helpful if later you decide to get expert advice.

All the best.

Gosh.. just ..gosh...

I'm catching up on threads since I have been away and this one has me feeling wretched.

I can't believe how rude some folk's children are towards them when they are helping those children out.

Sorry but if this were me, I would be telling them to sod off until they learn how to behave.

These little children are watching and absorbing their parents behavior towards you tinytoxs2, and if you are not careful enough, they will start being rude to you as well, and then what will you do?

Cut the beggars off until they stop being so damned rude.

How did you put your g/c at risk because he used a diff piece of cutlery dosent make sense.

I looked after my 4 year old grandson when he was 3 years old 4 times every week for 9 months when my daughter in law stood in for her manager at work who was on maternity leave. Both my son and daughter in law realised that if not for me they would not be able to work. My grandson is now at school but they had another child early this year and I'm sure I will be looking after him when their shifts coincide, that's fine, I would rather look after him than have someone I didn't know caring for him. If they started to act as if it is my job to look after our grandchildren I would stop doing it.

I agree wholeheartedly with the last posters. They need you more than you need them and you're doing them a favour. A very big favour. (Unless of course you forced them to have a child!)

It seems increasingly common that grown children are expecting their parents, who should be relaxing into retirement, to take the burden of raising grandchildren - and it is a burden when it becomes a full time, usually unpaid, job. Using emotional blackmail is selfish and manipulative - even when I suspect the DC don't realise they're doing it.

Really feel for you. I am a grandmother but also work 36 hours a week in childcare and it is exhausting. Sounds like they are jealous of your social life and want you to be sat at home pining for their children. Do not do that, do not ring them or be available actually ignore contact with them for a while and enjoy your life when they see it does not faze you, they will think a bit differently especially as childcare will cost them dearly. Makes my blood boil when I hear this, believe me I have seen this done to my own mother with my brother and his wife, no matter what she done she never got any thanks.

What on earth do they mean by you putting his life at risk by letting him eat uninterrupted , have I read that wrong? . They are being so cruel . Do you think that they were annoyed because he is relaxed enough at your house to eat normally ? I know it is hard but the best thing you could do is to get on with your life and take some time for yourself , resist the urge to contact them as I would think this is what they are banking on . It is emotional blackmail of the nastiest kind , designed to cause as much hurt as possible ... don`t play their games .

How disgustingly selfish of your son. Looking after two little ones for that many hours a week is unacceptable. I look after two of my DGD for two days a week. My so has put his holidays by to relieve me as and when. If I need a break. A holiday or am unwell. I would tell him exactly where to get off. Unbelievable. I am shocked that a son could expect this. They are his children. They shouldn't have had them if not prepared to look after them. Grrrrr.

Its so hard tho... one of the children went thru an eating problem and would only use a particular piece of cutlery and twice now that g/c picked up a different piece and ate at my house..i didnt interupt the eating as he was just getting on with it. My son and dil have said i put my g/c life at risk and that i wont listen...i didnt interupt him eating because i didnt want to make an issue of his eating and thought he is coping so i wont interupt but will watch him carefully and he was fine..but it appears that because hes done that twice at my house, that im not a fit person to see them anymore. Im hesrtbroken.Theyre telling me i wont have them while son and wife go out or work etc yet theyre saying im not fit to have them...im sorry folks . I really do appreciate your support xx

My two sons and their families live too far away for me to be of use to them. On odd occasions I have helped out for a day or two, but both pairs of GC went to nursery and came to no harm whatsoever. Their parents all worked to earn the money to pay for child care and, in the process, sacrificed the opportunities for exotic holidays. If my family and many other families can do this, why is it that sons and DiLs can behave like the OP's and not take responsibility for their own children? tinytot, you are not even being treated as a servant; you are being treated like a slave.

Your son needs to grow up, you are doing a huge amount for his children. He should realise that and appreciate you. ?

My little 4 year old grandson lives with me ( along with his mum). I am never thanked for the endless hours I care for him whilst she works, studies and frequently has time to socialise and enjoy herself (something I rarely get time to do nowadays). DD has said repeatedly that I should want to look after him all the time. I adore my DGS but I have spent 25 years caring for my own children and now I am expected to look after him extensively. I hate it that our kids often see it as their right to unpaid, often unappreciated childcare.
Your son is treating you disgracefully. He would have to pay a lot of money for the hours of childcare that he receives from you.
Whilst you were perfectly entitled to say what you said, perhaps it came out wrong. Try talking to him, telling him that whilst you love looking after the GC you do need some free time for yourself and that from such a date (give them a bit of notice to find alternative chidcare) you are not going to be able to have the children on whichever days or times you feel that you want your own free time. It's called emotional manipulation on their part and is bloody unfair. You must look after yourself and your own needs. From my personal experience they take and take and the more we give the more they expect.

You should stop asking because the more you ask the more he knows that it's getting to you . He's using the children and to be honest your playing right into his hands , he has the control and he knows it . Your son is not going to have respect for you if you continue to do this .

Ive asked twice today when will i see the children and i didnt get a reply, so i asked one more time and the reply was when they have decided so i dont need to keep asking....im furious so i said dont be so pig ignorant then...thats probably added another month of not being allowed to see them

Your son has no respect for you, and if your son hasn't then his wife won't and eventually your grandchildren won't either .You don't deserve there disrespect you have done nothing wrong. So ungrateful. Don't contact them, don't look after your grand children either. You need to do tough love, it's going to be hard I know, but as long as you keep doing what they want you to do the longer they will keep treating you like dirt. Also don't worry about them not speaking to you, that's happened anyway and that's with doing the right thing by them so what have you got to loose .. nothing but you have much to gain

I am sorry you find yourself in this position, we have done 14/15 years of child care for different grandchildren, mostly 1/2 days a week, but you made me think of my DOM. About 50 years ago when my daughter was very small I asked her if she could possibly have her for a day or two a week as I could do with a job to get together a deposit for a house, she said I had chosen to have the child and it was my responsibility to bring her up specially as I had a husband to keep me. I guess my children today would think I was from another planet if I said anything like that.

He is using his children as a bargaining tool. I would just sit back and do nothing. I'm sure your gc are wondering why they are not seeing you and may ask their parents who hopefully will see the error of their ways. Could you phone and speak with your dil when you know your son is out. Don't ask about him but ask after her and your gc - don't come across needy and just end the call with a lovely to catch up etc. Phone again in a week or so and maybe ask to say hello to your older gc. Good luck.

Please don't let your son and daughter in law treat you in this manner. They need you more than you need them . Talk about selfish , I don't know how you do it because I wouldn't . Stand your ground . Your son isn't speaking to you , good , you deserve to be treated better than this. You should be the one that upset with them not the other way round . Give them a taste of there own medicine and see how they like it .

I look after my twin GDs aged 4, 3 days a week and I'm really lucky that my DD & SIL appreciate it. They have said if I ever want to stop to say so.
I love my GDs but they are exhausting at times. I've just had a 3 week break and now looking forward to seeing them again. I'm also looking forward to them starting school in September.
I do think your son is totally out of line. I'm sure you were never consulted when they planned to have their children.