Child minding

Hello tinytotx2 I do feel for you and you do need to set your son straight. We all love seeing our grandchildren but it sounds to me like you are being taken advantage of. Your son is very lucky to have you. I think you need to be firm and say it's too much for you and although you love helping out, you need a day or two (or whatever it is you need) to yourself and can they look at making other arrangements for those times.

Bloody cheek of your son Tiny in my opinion.

It's not a right to have unpaid childcare . I used to say to my girls I want to be their Nana not their childcare. I have no problem helping out to the best of my ability but it's not a right it's a kindness on my part done out of love for my children and grandchildren.

If he won't talk to you then he won't expect you to spend up to 36 hours caring for his children will he??

Does he know how much money you're saving him? How his children could spend those 36 hours in the care of strangers and all that entails?

I'm sorry , and I'm sure there are many here who will disagree but I'm sad to hear how many times adult children use the grandchildren as weapons!!

I don't have an answer for you except to withdraw labour but there are many here who are estranged from their grandchildren who would err on the side of caution.

Sorry but he comes across as obnoxious-has he always been like this? What about his partner's part in this?
Of course you want to see/care for your DGC and it is only for a relatively short time and all the time they're getting easier and easier to look after.
Would they struggle to pay for childcare? Is that what's at the root of the problem?

The update now is that i cant see my grandchildren because pick n choose when i have them. !! Ive gone from having them everyday to not at all and being ignored.
The little lad fell of his bike and had to spend a night on hospital and they didnt even tell me...

Scuse my typos!!

Thats truly awful Tinytotx2, sorry but your son is plain nasty. Do you have a good relationship with his wife/partner? perhaps you could appeal to her. I can't imagine how hurtful it must feel ..

I agree-awful behaviour from your son. 36 hours! That's a full time job.

If you looked after them for 36 hours weekly, have they been able to get alternative child care so quickly. Bearing in mind the cost perhaps he will soon be back with his tail between us legs.

I feel so much for you x

Has he always been as selfish as this? Or is something else behind this?

As Coolgran says how are they managing now ? To suddenly have to find and pay for childcare can't be easy.
His attitude makes no sense

Tiny I'm afraid it is we as GP that have to 'bare the brunt' of our child's wrath,,smile sweetly and walk on egg shells at the same time.
I'm fairly p***ed off myself this afternoon!
But thankfully not as bad as your situation Tiny
Do you have another DC that could speak on your behalf to their brother and perhaps smooth some ruffled feathers.
Although finding child care for that many hours will probably hit home to them quite quickly
Good luck
Some to help you de-stress tonight.

What a cheek ! you are not a childminder you are a Nana . 30/36 hours a week is far too much in my opinion PLUS an overnight stay , you are a saint but possibly a very tired one . You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you are finding it too much and need some time off . This generation of Mums and Dads just expect to have children and then pass them over to someone else to look after and our generation is just as bad for letting them . This forum seems to have lots of Grandparents in the same position as you so you may get some better advice than I could offer xx

Hear, hear, f77ms. Well said.

That's really sad Tiny .

After everything, a simple request to cut down a bit cuts you out of the family just like that ??

I just don't understand . My mother would not have tolerated such behaviour. Have we raised a generation of children that can't bear even the slightest criticism? I agree with f77ms too .

Please don't assume all young mums and dads are as thoughtless and selfish as this young man. Neither my daughter nor any of my friends' children behave in this way over childcare. "This generation" of parents is as varied as any previous one. From other threads it's obvious that "our generation" had many problems with our parents.

My heart goes out to you ..as much as we all love Gc we have all
Been there and done that.....as much help as you can give in daytime
Is one thing but only overnight in an emergency......
It is manipulative to expect this level of childcare your ds hopefully will
Change his tune when he has to pay childcare......hope you can reach
A compromise soon I know it hurts but you must Stan up for yourself

Hi guys thankyou for your comments. I have to be honest here and say that the hours that i have the g/c are in short bursts like 2/3 hours at a time but the overnight one , if i ask what time will my son be collecting the g/c the next day, i get asked such things as...why, have you made arrangements when you know youve got the kids? Why, are you goin somewhere?
Why , does it matter what time im picking them up. Oh youre off out are you? And call your self a grandmother, you cant pick up having the kids and drop them when you feel like it...you have then regularly or not because youre not going to use them when you feel bad because you only want them when you say you want them
So guys where do your thoughts stand on those comments that i get?

I think sometimes our adult children completely forget that there are other aspects to our lives besides being an always available parent to cope with whatever needs they may have. I think they also forget how old we are – and, of course, however fit and well, we are old compared with them.

That said, I do think your son's attitude and his, frankly, contemptuous treatment of you are disgraceful. I think they would still be disgraceful if he were paying you childminder rates for the hours of care you give your grandchildren. That you are doing this because you love him and your grandchildren seems to have escaped his notice. There is no rule that says the parents of adult of children must ignore their own needs and wants in later life and be at the beck and call of those adult children – but that seems to be his view of you.

I do a lot of childcare – my daughter has six children ranging in age from one year to 14. She is also about to take her final exams (next week) for her psychology degree and the baby has been unwell so I have been putting in more hours and days than usual. Like most of us on Gransnet, I love my daughter and all her family and help very willingly, but I wouldn't mind betting that after next week a huge bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine will be coming my way. Not, of course, payment, but a token of genuine gratitude for the favours I have done.

Perhaps your son needs to recognise that willingly offered favours require some kind of thank you, even just a verbal one. I don't think absentdaughter ever collects her children from my house without a "Thank you Mum" and a kiss, however harassed or pushed for time.

I'm afraid if it was me Tiny I would be saying very clearly to my son that the whole point of being a grandmother is that I get to say when and for how long I have the grandchildren. That you love them very much but it can be too much sometimes.

I only have one grandchild who I adore, but I sat both my adult children down a few years ago and explained that my semi retirement (I work a couple of months then take a couple off) did not mean that I had their energy and loads of free time. I hate the fact that I don't have the energy that I used to have but that is life and they have to accept it like I do.

My daughter and grandson always say thankyou Nana when they go home and we always make any childcare arrangments together so she knows when she is available to work.

Also, like most men, sons don't always see the bigger picture and sometimes we women have to be a little more assertive or we will get walked over while trying to help out.

My husband is currently minding our granddaughter two days a week (Monday and Friday). He is unable to work because of health issues. Although he loves looking after her it does take it out of him and he admitted he couldn't cope with more than 2 days. My future daughter-in-law is a nurse and able to work 3 long days - the third being either Saturday or Sunday when my son is off. However as they live on the same avenue I often get called on at short notice at the weekend or evenings. We are happy to help as it is saving them a lot of money. My future daughter-in-law is fantastic in helping with transport to appointments for my husband as we have no car now. They also help by taking me shopping. They do treat my husband every so often but he is so proud. He doesn't like to accept anything though he doesn't have any income of his own because I work.

Well i can safely say that he and the g/c do say thankyou everytime but, as for any tokens of appreciation no chance! My cooker recently broke and i was eating packet food and i didnt get any offer by way of help from him...his wife treats me exactly the same. She was shouting and me one day ( a regular thing) and i said do not talk to me like that, she said she will talk to me anyway she likes because i am not royalty!! If i even attempt to defend myself and believe me guys i can and have done, but thats when they stop me seeing the g/c and it breaks my heart so i end up apologising even though i havent actually done anything wrong. Its a nightmare

tiny that's awful. They're clearly bullying you. Have you got anyone in RL you can speak to about this?

Hi gettingonabit..no not really because they then accuse me of gossiping. They rarely speak to me and tey say its bexause i gossip!! Yes i tell some of my friends. If i didnt offload id go under surely. When i visit them him and his wife go into another room and leave the g/c with me. They had once arranged a holiday and didnt tell me and of course i was still under the impression id be having the children..when i said oh youre going on holiday, why didnt you tell me, he said because it nothing to do with you !!
Nothing has happened that warrants any of this behaviour and all began when the g/c were born...ive done nothing wrong that i know ofexcept try to reason that im tired sometimes.

I do have a good social life whem im not tired!! This appears to annoy my son and daughter in law. They say im tired but yet i can socialise and i still have the g/c as well as my social life, i dont let them down. ( i dont drink) Please dont think im a woe is me person im far from it. Im just stuck at what the next thing to do is so that i can see my g/c