Child minding

As a practical move I think I agree with Fran 2051. This situation must be taking its toll on you. I suspect if you go to your doctor he or she WILL diagnose stress. And if you're not well you can't have the children as much as you have been.

This post and comments really hit home for me. For me, I know that I'm only a part of the power struggle and frustration that is going on in their house, and that the angry speech directed at me is probably what they want to say to each other. However, because of the estrangement which occurred when I stood up for myself, I'm going to go against the stream here, and say that keeping contact with your grandchildren is the first priority. Keep respectful and polite, say sorry but no when you have to, and state your boundaries calmly and respectfully. Wishing you love and luck.

Tell him to find his own childcare!.
36 hours is totally ridiculous...he's having a laugh

Huge sympathies, Tinytots. Your son and DiL need to join the real world where free childcare for GCs is considered by decent people to be a privelege for parents, not a God-given right to be demanded and bullied out of grandparents.

How sad that he is missing the very important point that he is removing a very special relationship with grandparents from his childrens lives, and that is such a selfish thing to do.

Are you paid? Sort him out, if he won't talk to you tell him to make alternative arrangements. Does he not realise just how lucky he is?

What a horrible situation. I'm sorry to have to say that your son is a bully. When he comes back round you because he wants something - probably more childcare - you set the conditions and boundaries and stand up to him. I so agree with Maryeve.
Who is looking after them now anyway? Perhaps he's shot himself in the foot by trying to punish you by withholding access to your grandchildren. Stay strong and get the respect you need.

All this must be very painful for you, Tinytotsx2, and confusing, to say the least, for the children. What about an assertiveness course? It sounds like boundaries are needed. Good luck.?

Tinytotx2 I agree with icanhandthemback.I have my GC regularly but if I say I can't have them'they are fine.if I was in your situation I would tell them to get out of my home until they can show me respect and that you love the GC but you will have them on your terms when your availabe. Give them a few weeks without a regular babysitter and perhaps they will rethink their attitude.

Hi Tinytotx2. I have the same problem but have had it worse. From experience, email/text your two days each week and times, reason being for clarity!. Explain you are committed to other things on other days. You are not a slave, they are acting in an appalling manner. You risk a lot of hurt but he will be thrown into the big world of "you chose to have children, you should of thought about their care, not assume". Children, to me, are too quick in assuming and too quick then in condemning when us Nans dare to want our own lives. The reason I take this, rude but straightforward mannerism is because this generation don't understand any other language, it's either their way or no way, they need to appreciate us.

I think you have to call their bluff. If you are really needing you like they seem to, they'll have to come round. You can't let the children be used against you because then the children will learn that it is acceptable behaviour.

Your son and wife are bullying you and using your grandchildren as weapons.

They're totally despicable!

You have two choices - either carry on being a doormat and being disrespected and ignored unless needed by them. Or regain your independence and enjoy your grandchildren on your terms.

You are doing them a fantastic favour. Stand up for yourself, don't be bullied.

I think it's absolutely outrageous that you're being treated so badly by your family. They should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves! Unfortunately lots of us GPs are being held to ransom these days by our DC who are paying enormous mortgages. Both my DD and SIL have to work and consequently we've looked after our GS and GD since they were tiny for 2-3 days a week. In all honesty, this has taken its toll on our health. My DH never wanted the job of child carer and is now taking anti-depressants for the first time in 64 years. I feel like we're between a rock and a hard place. This is certainly not the retirement we expected to have.

Although I've read through this thread, I haven't posted till now because, quite simply, I was so gobsmacked by your son's attitude and rudeness, I was rendered almost speechless.
And call your self a grandmother, you cant pick up having the kids and drop them when you feel like it Actually that's exactly what being a grandmother is. Not having the freedom to pick and choose when you have the children is the parents' role. You've been there and done that when you brought your children up. Now it's their turn. Hence that time-worn saying "it's lovely being a grandparent - you can give them back!"
they dont want people to know how they are with me because, deep down they know its wrong. Well, that says it all, doesn't it?
Do you know what? As I've been reading your account of your son's behaviour, particularly your post at 02:07:08, I have really wanted to punch him. Sorry, I know he's your son, but he is nothing but a nasty, selfish bully.

Tinytotx2, I think you should go to your doctor, and discuss this then you will be able to say that you have been told that you need rest/less work. My mother-in-law had "nerves" when ever she didn't want to do anything, but expected a lot from us, so I stated to have "nerve" problem as well since two could play at that game. It does sound as though your time is overloaded and an emotional and physical downtime is what you need. Look after yourself, your own health is important.

Your son sounds horrible. Where is the children's mother in all this? Do the other grandparents help out? I look after my granddaughter two days a week. Even when my daughter was pregnant I said I could do no more than two days. I don't know what to advise as your son is so unreasonable. Maybe a third party could mediate.

I actually think that they call me a gossip because telling friends how my son and dil treat the situation makes them annoyed because they dont want people to know how they are with me because, deep down they know its wrong

To be honest I'm not sure why you want to. Your son and his wife sound awful and they must be giving the children a very warped idea of how you should be treated. They wouldn't be able to behave like this if you were a paid child minder, they are just taking advantage of you. Obviously you don't want to use the children as a weapon but this behaviour is quite unacceptable.

I do have a good social life whem im not tired!! This appears to annoy my son and daughter in law. They say im tired but yet i can socialise and i still have the g/c as well as my social life, i dont let them down. ( i dont drink) Please dont think im a woe is me person im far from it. Im just stuck at what the next thing to do is so that i can see my g/c

Hi gettingonabit..no not really because they then accuse me of gossiping. They rarely speak to me and tey say its bexause i gossip!! Yes i tell some of my friends. If i didnt offload id go under surely. When i visit them him and his wife go into another room and leave the g/c with me. They had once arranged a holiday and didnt tell me and of course i was still under the impression id be having the children..when i said oh youre going on holiday, why didnt you tell me, he said because it nothing to do with you !!
Nothing has happened that warrants any of this behaviour and all began when the g/c were born...ive done nothing wrong that i know ofexcept try to reason that im tired sometimes.

tiny that's awful. They're clearly bullying you. Have you got anyone in RL you can speak to about this?

Well i can safely say that he and the g/c do say thankyou everytime but, as for any tokens of appreciation no chance! My cooker recently broke and i was eating packet food and i didnt get any offer by way of help from him...his wife treats me exactly the same. She was shouting and me one day ( a regular thing) and i said do not talk to me like that, she said she will talk to me anyway she likes because i am not royalty!! If i even attempt to defend myself and believe me guys i can and have done, but thats when they stop me seeing the g/c and it breaks my heart so i end up apologising even though i havent actually done anything wrong. Its a nightmare

My husband is currently minding our granddaughter two days a week (Monday and Friday). He is unable to work because of health issues. Although he loves looking after her it does take it out of him and he admitted he couldn't cope with more than 2 days. My future daughter-in-law is a nurse and able to work 3 long days - the third being either Saturday or Sunday when my son is off. However as they live on the same avenue I often get called on at short notice at the weekend or evenings. We are happy to help as it is saving them a lot of money. My future daughter-in-law is fantastic in helping with transport to appointments for my husband as we have no car now. They also help by taking me shopping. They do treat my husband every so often but he is so proud. He doesn't like to accept anything though he doesn't have any income of his own because I work.

I'm afraid if it was me Tiny I would be saying very clearly to my son that the whole point of being a grandmother is that I get to say when and for how long I have the grandchildren. That you love them very much but it can be too much sometimes.

I only have one grandchild who I adore, but I sat both my adult children down a few years ago and explained that my semi retirement (I work a couple of months then take a couple off) did not mean that I had their energy and loads of free time. I hate the fact that I don't have the energy that I used to have but that is life and they have to accept it like I do.

My daughter and grandson always say thankyou Nana when they go home and we always make any childcare arrangments together so she knows when she is available to work.

Also, like most men, sons don't always see the bigger picture and sometimes we women have to be a little more assertive or we will get walked over while trying to help out.

I think sometimes our adult children completely forget that there are other aspects to our lives besides being an always available parent to cope with whatever needs they may have. I think they also forget how old we are – and, of course, however fit and well, we are old compared with them.

That said, I do think your son's attitude and his, frankly, contemptuous treatment of you are disgraceful. I think they would still be disgraceful if he were paying you childminder rates for the hours of care you give your grandchildren. That you are doing this because you love him and your grandchildren seems to have escaped his notice. There is no rule that says the parents of adult of children must ignore their own needs and wants in later life and be at the beck and call of those adult children – but that seems to be his view of you.

I do a lot of childcare – my daughter has six children ranging in age from one year to 14. She is also about to take her final exams (next week) for her psychology degree and the baby has been unwell so I have been putting in more hours and days than usual. Like most of us on Gransnet, I love my daughter and all her family and help very willingly, but I wouldn't mind betting that after next week a huge bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine will be coming my way. Not, of course, payment, but a token of genuine gratitude for the favours I have done.

Perhaps your son needs to recognise that willingly offered favours require some kind of thank you, even just a verbal one. I don't think absentdaughter ever collects her children from my house without a "Thank you Mum" and a kiss, however harassed or pushed for time.