Full time childcare

Sorry MM1- which post or poster your message is for.

Personally I've experienced both ways- as I was a stay at home mum until the children went to school- and my GCs went to full time nursery- both at about 1 year old. And perhaps another way before that- my mother always worked, but my brother was 15 years older than me so looked after my other brother and myself a lot and we always had Au Pairs, until we were old enough to come home by ourselves and we were what some rudely call 'latch-key children' - it ceertainly didn't do us any harm and made us very confident, resourceful, imaginative and responsible ;).

Well,if you don't experience both ways,you're not going to know the difference are you.And it's impossible to experience both ways,so please don't say anything silly,you either live one way or the other.Its still only my opinion,and testimony from friends children brought up in nurseries.
My own DIL for one,her mother was single (not by choice though)
Although I do know of one whose exactly the same with her own kids.They are both in the army.

In our case, in the early 70s- there was no question. I had no career to speak of, my English was not good enough, and I was still suffering fromt he consequences of a terrible car accident- and DH was at the beginning of his own career after working for years and years so hard to get there. So I stayed at home to support him, being an unpaid receptionist too, night and day and week-ends. It made sense. i used the time to also study when I had time, perfect my English, brush up on ma German and learning Italian, etc. And when youngest went to school, I went to Uni with the full support of DH, despite it being difficult due to long hours, etc.

So when DD1- who had achieved a high point in her career, made partner of her firm, loving her job- as did her DH in his own job- and becoming a mother much later than I did (I was 22) - then it took me a while to adjust to the fact that GS then GD, would go to full time nursery, then have a nanny to be the (fantastic and fabulous) 3rd wheel of the cart. I had to question my own assumptions and adjust- and perhaps accept too that perhaps I was a tad jealous.

Anyhow, they are now 10 and 7- and amazingly well adjusted and happy- and their system works amazingly well- although I do worry DD is rarely having time to herself- she is either at work full on, or a mum full on. But it is her choice- their choice as a team in fact. Good on them.

They still have back up as sometimes things go wrong and the parent 'on duty' to return home for the kids at the end of the day is delayed- a sudden meeting, or break-down in commuting transport or on the M25- etc- and having that back-up works expensive but takes all the stress out of the 'OMG I'll never get back in time'.
A happy couple, enjoying their respective jobs- makes for a happy, contented family in many case. As said 'Good on them'.

Granjura, spot on.

Our D, has a senior HR position, she went part time a while ago, but in effect her job never changed, she is now working from home on her "off" days and far more stressed than she was full time, and for less money. She will probably be going back to full time when her dept. is re-organised later this year.

Here here granjura well said.

People in some jobs have little choice but to move to advance their careers. Our DIL works for the BBC, her next step would mean them moving from Hull to Salford, or moving into a different industry, with a large cut in salary.
Like wise our D, works in a senior job that would be hard to find locally.
Both S&D live many miles away, primarily due to their university locations.

GandTea- great post. But the last sentence is not always correct- it is a choice. Many parents could do with one salary if they wanted to, and cut their cloth accordingly. But the expectations re houses, designer furniture, cars, holidays, clothes, etc, mean that often 2 salaries are required for such choices for many.

But there is another dimension- and that is if both in a couple have worked terribly hard at their studiesm, then terribly hard at getting to a high level in their career- which they totally both enjoy- then young women these days are less likely to say 'ah well, I'll give up my career and ambitions, because I am the mother' as before- and not all men, however modern in their outlook- will agree to swap- unless they have a problem with their career themselves. In some jobs, both can go part-time and share childcare- but that is very rare, especially in managerial roles.

Imagine 2 doctors- both studied for many years, then spent years working very long and stressful hours and are now both Consultants. Which one will give up their job? And why? Are we still saying, in the 21st C, that mother should- or that she should become a part-time GP?

Many will choose to send children to good quality nursery, and then work even harder to be there for the kids when they are not working- and honestly and truly- it works wonderfully well and the kids really don't suffer. There is no way we, as grand-parents- could have given the social contacts, activities and stimulation, etc, our GCs got- full-time- even though we are young and active grand-parents and me an ex teacher.

Perhaps I am wrong here, but do i read between the lines that you blame your dil for moving away because of her career?

Marmark1.

Times have changed, if our GC were at home with their Mum, they would not meet other children as ours did, most parents now work and the children ours played with would be in nursery.
Our GC are well adjusted, happy children, they get lots of love and parental contact evenings and weekends. In order to have a family, most parents need to work.

Sorry,but I really can't understand why some people have children,
I know it's probably just me, but small children need the special love and care only a parent can give,or grandparent.Some poor little things spend more time in nurseries than they do at home,

I instinctively felt that very young children were better off at home with a parent or grandparent. We looked after our granddaughter from about 3 months old. However, when my son and his partner moved, his partner reduced her hours to 2 days a week, and both the children started at nursery. It truly didn't seem to do them any harm - and they were then only around 18 months and 3 years old. When they moved back to London, we looked after the youngest for 2 days a week and his sister went to nursery. When she started school, he went to nursery.

I actually think it is quite good for children to attend nursery because there is plenty for them to do and lots of friends to play with. And I do think the majority of children benefit from the experience in terms of becoming more independent and confident - provided, of course, that the nursery is a happy, safe and well run place.

I wouldn't worry too much - I'm sure things will be all right. In my experience, people who work in nurseries have a natural rapport with children and are very patient and kind - and the children are fond of them.

You must be missing them all so much

Millbrook, that is why our GC are in full time care, we live hours away and cannot help her.

Sorry you are finding hard to adjust to the idea. At the end of the day, it is their choice as parents- and hopefully they are doing what they think is the best for all of them- as a team/family- as you are not there to help out a couple of days a week. You worrying about it won't change anything. I felt the same with our GCs at first- having stayed at home with them for 9 years until youngest went to primary school- but GCs are fine and never suffered from it- and thrived- and so did both parents.

Hi granjura, They moved to USA for my DiL's career, so I was never expecting her to stay at home, but I was hoping that my son would. Sadly it seems that's not the case.

I am pretty confident that I, as a grandparent, can provide better care than a nursery. I am not saying there aren't great things about nurseries, but, if they are there 5 days a week, I don't see how the bonds between a baby and their main carer can be the same in that environment?

Thanks for your responses everyone ( still new and can't work out how to do reply to each one!)

I would love to have him a few days a week, but sadly they have just moved to America, where there is little family support, hence the need for 'daycare'.

They only have 1 child, so a nanny probably not cost effective right now.

I am sure they will have looked carefully at the nursery to make sure it is a good one, and I know it is good for learning to socialise etc, but 5 full days of being cared for by strangers when the first 2 years are one of the most important stages of a child's development just makes me shudder.

I am sure I will get used to the idea; I just needed to share it with someone that I wasn't related to!

Being in a good nursery often can mean more stimulation, sharing. socialisation and alos encouragement than being at home or with exhausted grandparents- and too much time in front of telly. Not necessarily a bad thing to be in a good quality nursery.

Would your son be prepared to give up his career so he can work part-time? Mowt managerial jobs just cannot be done part-time. Or do you only expect your dil to give up her career? Would you perhaps feel differently if it was your daughter who wanted to go back to work as she enjoys her career and has worked VERY hard to get to where she is now? Perhaps?

We were concerned when our GC went into full time nursery and pre/after schools care. However we now see that the interaction with other children and adults has been good for them. Their parents give them as much time as possible when they are there. We do not see any problems caused by this lack of parental contact.

I was pretty horrified too but its actually worked out very well. The DGSs are happy boys who get on with others very well and seem to have learned a lot that they might not at home all day.

Most nurseries are very good these days, Millbrook, but I understand how you feel. I once had to deliver my 15 month old grandson to nursery when his mother was in labour with his sister, and I can still see his tearful little face and outstretched hand as the nursery assistant carried him away. DD and SiL later found it was more cost effective to employ a part time nanny and that worked out very well. Any chance you could have him yourself some of the time? It would be hard work, though, as plenty of GNetters would tell you.

Are you saying you'd be happy to have him a few days a week instead?