Feeling Helpless

I have nothing on this thread but offer the advice I truly think is best for this family. And I stand by that advice.

And, once again, as in my first post on this thread, I offer my best wishes by way of the symbol provided by Gransnet,

Anya you have told a downright wicked lie about me on here today. I am absolutely disgusted, and at this very moment I am wondering if I should it further legally.

Over60 hope things will improve within your family in the near future.A bit of space between you all meanwhile, should help.?

Absolutely Daphne as the OP then thinks it is a genuine message!

Well said BlueBelle
I am regularly amazed by the "Chinese Whispers" on some GN threads.
Lending a suitcase and (presumably) slipping them some holiday money which was then thrown back in the GPs' face becomes the needed money(he sounds quite desperate) and if they need money as a family and being short of money never helped anyone Yes he needs help but anger management would do hi more good than a few quid holiday money.
This young man needs to grow up and however generous OP and her husband may be, it seriously saddens me that a young father can be so abusive to a couple in their 70's whose only reason for being there at the time was to help him out. OP also mentions an "olive branch" from his Dad which was rejected and which seems to have triggered the whole tantrum.
There is NO excuse for "elder abuse" and I think it is desperately unfair on OP to suggest she needed to apologise any more for a pretty normal spontaneous reaction in the face of physical threat, or, that withholding the gift which was thrown back in their face was in any way being "hard bitten "
Winding other posters up is one thing, this was unsupportive and unkind.

Am I missing something here? A holiday is not an essential and having it paid for by GPs, does the man not have any principles?
I understand how upset you feel over60 but you thought you were going to be attacked, he is a young man and will get over it. Might have been a whole different story if he had actually punched you ?

Op there is no right or wrong here.....
You lost your rag after he upset you be kind to yourselves and enjoy today.

It doesnt say in the original post that the grandson asked for money it says they asked to borrow suitcases and that Over60 and husband took round suitcases and some money for their holiday it doesn't say they paid for the holiday or were even asked for money for the holiday I would certainly give a donation to my grandkids towards enjoying the holiday as a little present. Obviously if I m wrong and they did ask for money to pay for the holiday then that is a different story altogether and no grandparents or even parents shouldn't be paying for holidays if they can't afford a holiday tough

Suzied I do not think it something which is 'expected' - certainly not in this family, and it does not in fact happen, however many of my friends enjoy giving to their grand-children, and it is their money they can do as they wish with it. starting with their own.
Personally, I would rather my grandchildren had the use of any spare cash I have now, so that I can see them enjoying the fruits of my labour, rather than wait until I am dead, when I will not be able to do that!

Since when have grandparents been expected to shell out cash for adult grandchildren?

I agree with those who say forgive yourself, perhaps we can understand, and wonder if we might not have done the same thing ourselves in that situation. There are underlying problems which might well sort themselves out, and if you can find it in your heart to forgive your grand-son also, then perhaps that will to go toward the healing process which will probably take some time. Be patient,
take care.

I certainly wouldn't be sending him a text of any kind. You apologised once already, he didn't. The ball is in his court.

I totally endorse everything that Ann60 says.

That is a very important point that mumofmadboys has made, forgive yourself. You acted under extreme provocation and your reaction was instinctive.
You have given them the money so I would now sit back and wait for thanks and an apology. If you do not get either at least you know where you stand. You have done what you think is right. Now, no more apologies from you, you need to look after your H and yourself.

Over60plus. You have done your best to put the situation right. You have apologised and given him the money for the holiday. You can't do anything more. These situations sometimes happen in families and it is easy to brood over them . Try and put it to rest now. You have set your GS a good example by apologising for slapping him straightaway. He will come round. Hopefully he will apologise to you in time although sometimes youngsters find it hard to apologise. Could you send him a text in a few days saying you hope they are having a good holiday. Forgive yourself,these things happen. x

over60plus, my heart goes out to you and I do hope you have someone to talk this over with today. Please try not to let this overwhelm you. You have nothing to be ashamed of - the slap was in reaction to your understandable fear and anxiety at the time and is completely understandable in the circumstances. Your DGS is a grown man, not a child, and has so much more to be sorry to you for. There is obviously a lot going on in his life and in his head, which is very sad, but he will know that he should not have lashed out at your DH and you as he did. Your priority in the short term must be to get help and support for yourself and DH. I hope talking on here helps a little.

Well said Anya

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

They are on holiday now and hopefully he will have time to reflect on what's happened, but it's awful that you got caught up in the middle of the bigger issues between him and his father. They have clearly quarrelled, but for him to blame you for giving birth to his Dad is very immature thinking. He now has a son of his own and should be able to think whether he will be responsible for anything his child does as an adult.

You are loving, caring grandparents who did not deserve to be treated with such disrespect and aggression. You got caught up in something way beyond your control. Your reaction was on the spur of the moment because you were shocked and afraid, and who among us can truly say we would have remained totally calm under such circumstances? Going there with good intent in your hearts and ending up in such distress is very sad. He ought to be ashamed of himself, but he may find it hard to apologise, so I hope he makes it up in other ways.

Saying anything to your son may make matters worse, because I imagine he will be angry you were treated so badly. Lean on gransnetters but also consider talking to a counsellor who may help you to see things from a different perspective. One thing is certain, you don't ever want a repeat of that.

Over60 I think it's the slapping that has worried you and it Understand that once something like that happens we enlarge it and dwell on it . I can imagine your hand went out before you even thought, almost an automatic reaction I think you are beating yourself up as your automatic reaction was the same as his ..... His anger caused him to utter disrespectful words, to shove and threaten you, just the same as your anger caused you to hit out. You both have to live through this nightmare
I would suggest there is some truely bad stuff going on in his life, do you know why he fell out with his dad?
You have no choice but to let it lie as he's away for two weeks after that I think a letter well thought out would be best and in it accept your part in the rage don't send a letter of grovelling apology or a letter of blame
Can you talk to your daughter in law, where is she in all this? And your son has he every spoke of his troubles with his son ? Or are you in the dark as to where it's coming from
It sounds as if you came in at the end or middle of something big and took the brunt of his anger do you have anyone other than your husband to offload maybe a close friend or even a counsellor for a few sessions just to try and get it in perspective as when we hold it in its becomes a demon as you have already found
Good luck and do keep posting even talking to strangers can help

Thank you all for replies, It is now 4:30am not closed my eyes nor can I stop crying, feel so utterly ashamed for slapping him, but they are going away first thing today so will not be able to sort this out for a couple of weeks (I did put the cash we promised into his bank account). Just feel like my whole life is not worth anything and that is an awful thing to say, when I do have a great and loving husband but he does not cope with normal day to day never mind this, once again thanks for your replies

I don't think you'd better try a bullying tone with me Broon, I really don't.

Are "shouty capitals" really necessary on a thread such as this?

Of course violence is not acceptable and no doubt this has already been made quite clear to him.

I do not think the answer lies in punishing the family by spoiling their holiday.

Whose slant am I supposed to put on it if not my own?

I think you need to calm down daphnebroon.

He's 24 - obviously has issues with his Dad = Grandparents need to step back and keep out of it. Low profile is my advice to OP for as long as it takes.