Gransnet forums


Feeling Helpless

(82 Posts)
over60plus Sat 27-Aug-16 18:29:43

Today was a bad day, called to visit our 24year old grandson his partner and 3 year old, went to take them money for there holiday and cases they asked to borrow, GS does not speak to our son his Dad but son tried to offer an olive branch did not go down well at all. We have always had a good relationship with GS but today he flipped told us his Dad was a moron and we must be because I gave birth to him, we asked him to calm down sit down and talk things through at this point he flew at me fist raised right in my face frightened me,I said do not be silly he shoved me that's when his Grandad stepped in my husband is not a well man, so that's when I lost my rag and ended up slapping him in the face, I am totally ashamed of myself I am 70 years plus and never lost my temper or raised a hand to anyone, he chucked the money we had given, and case and told us to leave, I text him and said how sorry I was to have raised my hand to him but I really feel he would have thumped one of us. His reply was so rude, what to do next? Would appreciate any help and advice anyone can offer, We are worried because they are short of cash.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 27-Aug-16 18:38:33

I think I would leave well alone now. Perhaps send them the needed money (he sounds quite desperate), or perhaps put it through the letterbox and run?

You have said sorry for your bit. Nothing else for you to do. Let things cool down. flowers

rosesarered Sat 27-Aug-16 18:44:50

To be honest, I would have no further contact with him.Wait and see if he apologises to you both, as this is totally OTT behaviour.I don't know what your son has done for all the rage, but even if it is justified rage, so nasty to take it out on you and threaten and shove you.It was not up to you to apologise, but as you have done, if he doesn't contact you soon, then it may be best to leave things alone.💐

moggiek Sat 27-Aug-16 18:45:25

I'm so sorry, Over. What a horrible thing to happen to you and your husband. You have nothing to reproach yourself with. No matter how much you love your DGS, you couldn't stand back and let your husband be hurt. I think most people would do exactly the same in the circumstances. The only thing that you can do is decide whether to forgive your DGS for his appalling behaviour when he calms down and offers an abject apology.

Pollengran Sat 27-Aug-16 18:54:25

I would leave things alone too. I thought it was a shame when you said you were worried about him being short of cash. I think he is also short of temper and you should be worried about that! There is no excuse for a 24 year old to be so nasty to you or your husband. What a coward.

Despite everything you have both kept a good relationship with him, and that is commendable, and says a lot about you. He shouldn't be taking his anger out on you, and slapping him is nothing to be sorry for. Actually, well done!

rosesarered Sat 27-Aug-16 18:57:56

If money was for spending on holiday, then that doesn't qualify for hardship.

DaphneBroon Sat 27-Aug-16 18:59:55

He has clearly overstepped the mark - by a long way - and however good your relationship has been in the past I think you need to step back. Let him cool down and when he realises what a prat he has been, accept his apology. If it is not forthcoming, forget about texts etc, drop him a card saying you still love him as your grandson but this behaviour both frightened and disappointed you. That you will be there for him in case of need but need his assurance that such a thing will NEVER happen again. He sounds a troubled young man, but soft soaping him, giving him money and letting walk all over you is NOT the best way to help him. It must hurt you dreadfully, but TOUGH LOVE . What an awful experience though flowers

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 27-Aug-16 19:03:10

If they need money - as a family - and the poster can manage to help out, that is the sensible thing to do. Being short of money never helped anyone. And this young man needs help. And so does his family.

No point in being hard bitten and unforgiving. They are a young family.

rosesarered Sat 27-Aug-16 19:08:02

As Grandparents we should try and love and support our grandchildren, but this young man is an adult with a partner and child. Assuming that he has a job, it's not up to us to fund holidays.That is hardly hard bitten.I agree with daphneBroon on this.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 27-Aug-16 19:10:20



jinglbellsfrocks Sat 27-Aug-16 19:12:50

Can't you lot (sorry soop) recognise a family in trouble? Do you think this young man is feeling good right now? And you would begrudge him and his wife and three year old, a bob or two for their annual holiday?

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 27-Aug-16 19:13:46

No wonder they get the threads they do on the Other Place, about the older generation. hmm

Coolgran65 Sat 27-Aug-16 19:13:47

I am so sorry this happened to you and your dh. Was your dgs's partner present when it happened. Just wondering if this sort of thing occurs more than you would be aware and perhaps there was an incident that caused the estrangement between dgs and his father.
You sent dgs a text and his response was rude so he hadn't calmed any.

Either way, you can't accept behaviour like this, how frightening for you. And how sad you must feel. My heart goes out to you.
He does sound troubled to behave like this.
My own thoughts are that you should step back and see what happens. So hard to do but perhaps your dgs will realise how shocking his behaviour must have been for you and your dh to have reacted as you did.

NanaandGrampy Sat 27-Aug-16 19:33:57

He does sound like he needs help just not the financial kind !

There is no excuse for him taking his bad temper out on you Over , and slapping him didn't help but I understand you responded out of fear.

He shouldn't be feeling good right now Jingl and sending him money sends the wrong message . He threatened 2 elderly people .

He needs to think about what he did and then apologise .... And then you can think about whether he deserves the money.

Granmary18 Sat 27-Aug-16 19:40:01

"DaphneBroon" comments are spot on in my view...hard but necessary for yours and his longer term wellbeing!

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 27-Aug-16 19:43:58

And another family hits the rocks! hmm

You are all so wrong.

Christinefrance Sat 27-Aug-16 20:00:57

What do you suggest they do next jbf ? I think you need to let things settle for a while over60, you have had a shock and need time to recover before trying to help again. Your grandson is an adult and needs to take some responsibility for his actions.

Don't feel guilty but later you may be able to see things more objectively.

moggiek Sat 27-Aug-16 20:12:07

Well said, Daphne!

Deedaa Sat 27-Aug-16 20:44:19

I think you are wrong Jingle This young family may well be in trouble but over60plus sounds at real risk of violence. Are there any other family members or friends who might be able to have a word? It doesn't sound a very good atmosphere for the 3 year old either.

janeainsworth Sat 27-Aug-16 21:03:07

I think you're wrong too jingl.
Yes, of course the young family is in trouble, but rewarding a young man's violent behaviour towards his grandmother by just giving him what he wants is hardly going to help, is it? I too fear for his partner and child.

janeainsworth Sat 27-Aug-16 21:04:26

Forgot to say, I do feel for you over60 and I hope your GS comes to his senses and apologises to you.

Iam64 Sat 27-Aug-16 21:16:04

Sending money would send the message that behaving in a threatening manner is acceptable. It isn't, especially when the person behaving like that is 24 and is threatening his grandparents who are in their seventies. The op felt frightened, not on.

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 27-Aug-16 22:02:41

He's twentyfour. He must have had that child when he was twentyone. He obviously can't handle the situation he's in. Putting the boot in now won't help anyone or anything.

I wish over60plus the very best, and I hope she can mend her family.

janeainsworth Sat 27-Aug-16 22:30:01

No one has suggested 'putting the boot in' - whatever that might mean - have they?
Suggestions have been to make it clear that violence, whether verbal or physical, is not acceptable.
What exactly would you do jingl if one if your grandsons did that to you?

cornergran Sat 27-Aug-16 22:30:49

There's a difference between helping a young family in real trouble and colluding with unacceptable and threatening behaviour. Best to think about what would really help. I agree with you, over that slapping him wasn't helpful but his behaviour towards his grandparents was even more inappropriate. I do think there is a problem for this family but it isn't of your making. Do you know what the issue is between your grandson and his father? Is this typical behaviour? I think in your shoes I might hold my anxiety for a while and then send a note rather than a text telling him that his grandparents love him and are worried about him and then suggest a coffee or lunch somewhere public to better understand what is upsetting him. That way you will be safe for aggression and have done your best. He will, I hope, be both ashamed and embarrassed by his behaviour and may need some time to settle down. Good luck, you clearly care about him and I hope he will be able to see that and let you support him.