Feeling Helpless

I used to only look after one grandson at a time, as they would fight ALL the time, and I just found it too stressful.

How often do you look after them?
How many children at a time - always 2?
Is your DD at work while you look after them?
Is there some financial arrangement?

Hitting children is not acceptable and you are clearly doing too much. It is a red flag.

You are the adult and need to sort this.

I look after DGC 2 days a week while DD works. I made it clear from the start that I would only have them one at a time as I did not feel we could cope with them together. That way you get to have a good day with one child and concentrate on them and give them all the attention. I do have other GC occasionally with 2 there, but they are a bit older and more civilized.

Talk with DD and get this sorted before someone gets hurt.

If the 2 are too much for you then that is that. Time to stand back and be realistic about this, and make some rules.

exhaustedgranny - take a step back you are doing too much and wearing yourself out. Take a long hard look at what is happening in your family and get some help. Your daughter has to take some responsibility. Maybe some help with parenting skills or another person to help with their care. You need to look after yourself or something will go badly wrong.

How do they behave at school?

exhaustedgrany maybe sit them down and talk to them and also listen to what they have to say . Spanking is just another word for hitting but sounds more acceptable to the people who use it . I could never hit a young child , it achieves nothing except to maybe confirm that physical violence is OK . Maybe they just need a good listening to or maybe your daughter needs some help with parenting , does she hit the children too ? Perhaps have a good talk with your daughter to explain how exhausted you are and to leave her phone at home when she brings the children . I have always found distraction helps with little ones , doing a jigsaw or some colouring with them when they are getting a bit noisy .

I lost my temper again. 6 and 5 year olds. Have kept them SO much, all their lives. Love them more than anything. When they are home, their mom, my daughter, is on her phone so much that she doesn't discipline them. They are SO totally out of control. They fight, scream, cry, run through the house, do what I tell them not to. The noise HURTS my brain. It makes me nauseous. I spank them, time out...nothing works. End of the day, I feel like the meanest person. I feel defeated, like I'm afraid they are going to end up being really bad grown ups. I love them with all my heart. Beautiful babies and so sweet at times. I'm just too old I think to have young children with me so much. Everyone thinks I'm the best granny ever. But I'm losing my temper with them all the time. They are lime thing one and thing two; really. Do I need Valium? Anger management? The Nanny? I don't know how to change things. They are both SO hyper and don't listen.

I agree Mumofmadboys BUT an act of violence is scary-does he behave like this all the time? Is he abusing his partner/child? Bullying is awful.

Over60 I am sorry this situation is not resolving yet. If it was me I would wait for a month and then send a letter to GS and partner and say you are missing seeing them and could you put the disagreement behind you. Young men can be SO stubborn and can find apologising so hard. Some people end up not talking for years and have often forgotten what they fell out over. I hate disagreements and try to avoid them as much as possible and it is the bigger person who holds out the hand of reconciliation. I really hope it resolves.Try not to let it upset you too much.

sorry, missed your update

At least the others are still in your lives, and he may get over it.
I would still stick to my guns and never give him any more money even if he does apologise.

I think he deserved it. Perhaps he has been spoilt and has always been a bully (and a coward to threaten old people).

He wouldn't be getting a penny from me. Not even if he apologised; if he did apologise I would maintain good relations but would never offer any more money, only presents for the little one at birthday and Christmas.


don't feel guilty

So sorry over60. No matter way at he says I'm sure it's not easy to just say that's that then. Others say leave it be and that may well be the best advice. I would send another text (or letter) and tell him you love him (if you still do) and you are sorry he is hurt but that you will respect his wishes.

Well now you know exactly where you stand. You don't have to wonder any more. You must get on with your life to the best of your ability but please, please don't get in touch anymore. You must respect his wishes, he would seem to be the loser.

Just to update you kind people, they are back from holidays I sent a text and asked if they had all had a good time his response I do not want you our grandad in my life anymore finished with you do not contact me ever again. So that is that we have to move forward very hard, some of you asked about situation with his dad he totally blamed his dad for divorce from his mum, but my son and us was always there for him regardless of what he said or did, his siblings are all fine with Dad and us, they have just said his loss let him get on with it

these things happen

I did preview too!

Over60plus I hope you are beginning to feel better about this now. As mumofmadboys has said, these happen. It won't be the end of the world. I too, think it would be a good idea to send him a friendly text in the next few days, hoping they are enjoying their holiday. Just to let him know that no permanent damage has been done. (And it hasn't, really.)

They are away now, having a rest and, hopefully, a good time, and that alone will help feelings all round.

I hope you get a better night's sleep tonight. You are not a bad gran. Far from it.

Over60 I agree with Bluebelle, please don't blame yourself. A situation is never down to just one person, in any case, and your grandson's problems are not of your making.
You might find this ebook helpful andrewcain.co.uk/product/break-the-blame-trap/ -it's short, easy to read and explains why blamimg yourself, or others, either openly or secretly, doesn't help to resolve anything and stops you moving forward.
Thinking of you

I've been thinkin, over60, could it have been that your grandson was actually so angry with his dad that the anger spilled out onto you? Had there been an interchange just before you saw your grandson? Apologies if this sounds too obvious or has been said before, but if that is the case it won't have been rational or even to do with you as an individual. Please don't be so upset, it was a horrible thing to have happened, most of us would be mortified to have slapped anyone else, let alone a loved family member. Once he cools down he will realise this and I hope also realise his threatening behaviour was more than inappropriate. You can do nothing until he comes back, I still believe that letting some time pass is a good thing and a short written note when he returns suggesting a meeting in a neutral and public place is a safe way for you to go.

over60plus Has your grandson always been this demanding and bullying? Does he already tend to spend beyond his means? You could write explaining that you felt intimidated by his behaviour and that you are not going to put up with this bullying behaviour and not respond with money.

They do not have to have an expensive holiday at all if he has got the time off take a staycation or such. Many of us have probably had times when they have not been able to afford a holiday.
If you reward bullying and aggressive behaviour it will only continue.

jingl

He comes over as an unpleasant and resentful young man. What reason would he have to feel resentful? Has he landed himself at an early age with a partner and child he had never factored in to his life plan - if he had one? I can't help wondering about his family life. If he can threaten you with violence, does he have the capacity to restrain himself within the domestic environment? Lack of cash is often a trigger for domestic abuse. Depending on relatives for money for a holiday can dent a breadwinner's pride and cause resentment. So many ifs and buts and imponderables, but can't help wondering what's at the back of his rage.

I apologise if someone has already said this, but as I see it you have three choices: You can go on agonising over what you did, which IMO was to respond pretty much as most people would to extreme provocation; or you can find out what goes on with your son and why they are at odds; or - and this would be my choice (I hope) is to try to accept that your actions were completely understandable, you have now done what you think is right, which is to give them the money, lend suitcases and now it's time to accept the way things are. You've done the Right Thing. He hasn't. That's all you can do. Best wishes. xx

First things first Over60 if someone attacks you it is a normal reaction to hit back. Too many women stand back and then the abusive spiral starts. Your grandson knows that he behaved badly and for once did not get away with it.

Good for you!

Now its time to repair the damage. You have apologised so thats now ticked off. Don't keep on apologising.
If you think a bit of holiday money might make things easier then go ahead and give him some if you can afford it.

If people new to the thread make sure they read the OP properly, then Chinese Whispers wouldn't happen, but they often don't, and then take any replies as Gospel.

"Chinese whispers" means that a fact changes each time with the retelling, until it ends up as something a long way from the original version as I illustrated in my post.
Nothing to do with pm's.
Would "shouty capitals" have made it clearer?

I don't understand the talk of "Chinese whispers", but I do know for a fact that malicious damage has been attempted in the recent past, by the use of private messages.