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daughter dramatising her kids problems

(23 Posts)
nannie1962 Sun 04-Sep-16 07:51:47

Hi I wonder if there is anyone out there who can give me some advice my daughter has 2 children and isn't really a very good parent she's quite lazy and the kids spend hours and hours in their bedroom playing computer games and watching t.v, they have both had 5 teeth extracted due to her not helping them clean their teeth she said they have weak teeth !! they are 4 and 6 overtime i have them they always smell and their hair dirty and not brushed etc, my daughter and i haven't got a good relationship but i am afraid to say anything as in the past when i have it has resulted in her moving away and not speaking to me for months, the main worry now is that she has had both children referred for assessments for Torrest adhd and autism more recently now its the CAMS team she feels that they both have difficulties and seems eager to have them labeled as having special needs, both are absolutely normal little boys and my husband mother and brother have not noticed anything wrong or different with either child, the older one has started to develop some behaviours and said he must be allowed to scream out as he has tics and can't help it, i'm completely sure that my daughter is telling them both that they have these conditions so that she has another excuse for her poor lazy parenting and its easier for her to blame something else for any bad behaviour, theres also the extra benefits i'm sure she will receive if she does get a diagnosis, it may sound to some that I am just a bitter Mother but i just don't know how to handle this next drama and instalment in her life, if the children carry on being labeled and she keeps telling them to act in a certain way i feel that it will become the norm for them, when they are with me or my mother we have honestly never noticed anything different, but my daughter keeps emailing me with a long list of their conditions please any advice ?

LullyDully Sun 04-Sep-16 08:07:55

What a dreadful situation. If you are correct, excuse me but there are two sides to everything, someone needs to step in for the sake of the children. GP, Social Services. They deserve the best.

mumofmadboys Sun 04-Sep-16 08:15:54

Doctors will be very reluctant to label a child unless there is very good evidence for it. They would seek info from nursery/ school teachers as well as family.

Christinefrance Sun 04-Sep-16 08:19:51

Yes LullyDully is right, the children need to be the priority here. Sounds like you both could benefit from the help of an intermediary, is there anyone you both trust to help and be impartial. Your daughter needs help too , don't give up on her.

Anniebach Sun 04-Sep-16 09:58:12

Your daughter needs help, you haven't mention the children's father so she is a one parent family?

How is she able to move away when she wishes? Does she stay with family?

Welshwife Sun 04-Sep-16 10:02:43

Presumably the children go to school - is the school referring them to these other people?

Daffers1 Sun 04-Sep-16 10:37:05

Oh dear. Agree with the other posts that it is highly unlikely that the children will be given a diagnosis and label at this point. Your daughter's insistence on having assessments undertaken may well alert the authorities to there being a parenting problem. The children need your unconditional love at the moment so it's important not to fall out with your daughter and get as much access to the children as you can. You can give them the security care and love that they need. You could also talk to the NSPCC about your concerns and worries about the children. They don't judge but will listen. Barnardos are also a useful contact and may be able to support your daughter with her parenting skills whilst monitoring the children. Your daughter would not know that you have made these contacts. Do so hope that life improves soon for these lovely children but am sure they also know how much you love and care for them.

M0nica Sun 04-Sep-16 16:45:10

Wasn't there a court case very recently where a woman was sent to prison for fabricating medical problems for her children and using these fabrications to get extra benefits?

Could this mother be trying to get her children diagnosed with problems like ADHD, autism or Tourettes syndrome in order to get extra benefits?

rosesarered Sun 04-Sep-16 17:34:47

Monica I was just thinking that.It was easy for that Mother (God knows how!) to dupe the medical profession for years, while the children had various operations that were entirely pressed for by the Mother, and she ruined their childhood.
nannie1962 you must be sure that the children do not have problems, but if you are sure then speak up, and ask that the GP etc treat your info as confidential.

Ana Sun 04-Sep-16 17:40:51

The OP did hint at the possibility that extra benefits might be a factor. It doesn't seem a healthy environment for the children to be living in at all.

Deedaa Sun 04-Sep-16 21:37:37

DD has now been waiting 2 years to get DS1 assessed. I really don't think anyone is going to label them with anything if they are normal children. I don't think there's much in the way of benefits to be had. DD certainly isn't exoecting any if she ever does get a diagnosis.

M0nica Sun 04-Sep-16 21:42:48

It depends on the nature of the problem Deedaa, but children with autism and under certain circumstances with ADHD and possibly Tourettes can get a range of benefits including Carer's allowance, Carer's credit, Child benefit, Child tax credit, Cold weather payments, Disabled facilities grants, education benefits. They used to be able to get disability living allowance. I do not know what the situation is now.

LullyDully Mon 05-Sep-16 08:31:59

It is hard to get special needs any diagnosis as has been said . They are not given for the convenience of the adults. If indeed the problem is poor parenting then it is a SS problem . ( not the WW2 lot ! Sorry to be glib. )

radicalnan Mon 05-Sep-16 09:24:21

The NSPCC treats neglect as seriously as other forms of abuse now as it does damage the child's life prospects in the long term. Do these children get invited to birthday parties by school friends? or to other people's houses for play dates? generally, if thy do it suggests that they will behave in other environments. I am not surprised at this scenario at all, it is extremely common, kids pent up indoors all the time, stuck in front of screens do become a handful and also develop problems. That is not a natural way to be living.

Where is the dad? They need some more parental support urgently.

I was a community family worker for some time and saw these situations proliferate when additional benefits became a inducement and also depression set in within a family failing to thrive.

I don't think social services or schools bring much to the party really, they always were pretty ineffectual in such cases and with cut backs are struggling themselves.

Can you have the boys overnight once a week and start to work on the hygiene ? buy the super toothbrushes for Christmas...and find out what their dad is prepared to do for them.

shysal Mon 05-Sep-16 09:29:38

Could it be that your DD has the condition Munchausen by proxy?

meandashy Mon 05-Sep-16 10:29:57

What a worry for you. If you are on speaking terms with your daughter and you are able please get more involved. Your daughter & the children need you. Can you go to the house, offer to help cleaning etc? Try and help your daughter get into a better routine etc. Can you find out about after school sports activities for the kids? Or cubs/scouts etc? It's not healthy to be cooped up indoors & your daughter would get a wee break. Good luck op 💐

magwis Mon 05-Sep-16 11:33:51

Very difficult - is your daughter always dramatic? Does she perhaps have mental health issues? Please do not hesitate to voice your concerns to someone who can try to make a difference, as OP have said. Whilst you helping your daughter with cleaning etc maybe a good idea, depending on you may cause more problems if she is just lazy. I have been told that once your child is adult they are free to make their own choices with regard to how they choose to live. Really, really not easy.

Gloggs Mon 05-Sep-16 13:54:58

So sorry to hear of your worries. The situation sounds complex and too difficult to assess and resolve quickly especially without knowing more back ground detail. Assessment sounds the first step - the children won't be labelled without a firm diagnosis, as others have said. Your daughter sounds as if she herself needs help and support too. In the meantime you could look up Home Start who are a charity of trained volunteers countrywide, who can support young families in need. They take self-referrals as well as from GP's, health visitors etc. Obviously you would need to discuss this tactfully with your daughter who would need to be open to such a suggestion but sometimes help from people (such as Home Start volunteers) outside of the normal authorities can make a huge difference. I wish you all the best....

kidsarehardworkbutgoodfun Mon 05-Sep-16 14:20:11

Just to add balance, I have two kids with severe Tourette's. They don't show it in public, and people think I'm making it up. However, they are on multiple medications for this distressing illness.

Nobody will diagnose these children without good reason. One way or another your daughter is struggling and needs support.

ajanela Mon 05-Sep-16 18:02:11

Thank you Shysal, just the condition I was trying to think of. It is amazing how persistent these people can be and go on for years.

My one doubt is that she is teaching them some of the symptoms so most likely doing it to get extra money and support. Have heard of a mother doing this.

icanhandthemback Mon 05-Sep-16 19:22:22

Please can I just advise you to be cautious when you speak to the NSPCC. I know of 2 people who have called anonymously and agreed for Social Services to get involved. In both cases the SS gave the reported person enough information to identify the person who reported them. One of them was a malicious complaint and it has ripped our family apart in the aftermath. The other meant that access to the child was stopped so any help the reportee could have offered was entirely rejected and the SS did very little because the reported person would not accept their help. Obviously if a child is in real danger (and that is a difficult one to decide unless it is violence) you have to act but OP says they don't want to lose contact with the family and if her daughter gets wind of a report the OP would no doubt be badly affected. Incidentally, in both cases the SS only rang the mothers, spoke to them and believed them so nothing was gained apart from heartache.

clairvoyant3 Tue 06-Sep-16 08:08:51

Is it possible that your daughter is suffering from severe or even a degree of depression herself?
Being lazy, tired and a can't be bothered attitude can all be a sign.
Was she always like this?

Mumsy Tue 06-Sep-16 09:04:29

It might seem dramatising to you but it could also be her cry for help! How do you know she is lazy? are you with her 24/7? Some parents arent naturally born parents and struggle with parenthood. Instead of all the critisism you need to sit her down and ask how you can help her and your grandchildren.

I hope your daughter doesnt come across your comments and realise its about ' her your daughter and grandchildren'!