Advice for soon to be step grandparent

I'm apparently to join the step-gran league too, just found out the happy news last night and its very early days yet.
Contact will be limited as DSD lives in the US. The child will already have a full complement of GP's so I have no idea what I'll be called ... not about to stress about it though.

We all get on reasonably well (DH and I met when all kids were grown up) so I'll do some knitting later on and send it over, and prompt DH to offer a major contribution to the buying of baby equipment as we did for my DD before DGD's arrival.

I'm already looking forward to many more holidays stateside in the years to come!

Go for it!

Don't attach too much importance to being a 'Nanna' You're not the child's grandmother so look at it from a different angle and just be a friend who is there for all of them if needed.

Keeping the communication channels open means you will be more likely to have contact with the baby than if you try to assert yourself in some kind of 'position'

Babies take to those who are kind, friendly and fun. Be that person. It doesn't matter what you are called.

Seems to me that dad will b happy to have his child for visits etc and then you may well be the only woman on the premises and be able to help and support him then. You would be surprised how in demand a granny, at any remove, becomes when there is a stinky nappy to be changed or a screaming baby to be pacified.

I wouldn't worry about presents yet, the baby won't know it is support that you can give to your step son (without ever saying a negative word about the girl involved) just boost his confidence in his own parenting skills and remind him to be on the birth certificate etc.

Time for gifts may come along later, what he needs now is reassurance, that his new found work ethic and pride in becoming a dad, isn't misplaced.

As for the benefits, they aren't what they used to be, as she has yet to find out.

I have 5 step GC. The only times they bother to be remotely civil are birthdays and Christmas. Their parents, DH's children, no partners around anymore, are the same. The less we see of each other the better. I have always been "Dad's wife" and the SGC call me by my first name. On the other hand DS's daughter calls DH "Grandad" which he loves. No accounting for some folk, but I hope it works out for you.

I was a stepmother and it's always difficult. I hope your situation improves. In my case, my stepchildren were mostly fine with me and I often babysat until my husband/their father died and I have now contact with the daughters now but limited contact with the grown up grandchildren.

Hi

Good luck, lots of family dynamics here.

Please don't confide in your stepsons girlfriend, she may turn and use it against you. Your stepson is the person you are close to, not the girlfriend.

Perhaps don't ask to be called nana - but ask what they want to call you. Families have split up over who calls who what!

My dear stepdaughter has four beautiful children, and we see them frequently and I babysit which is wonderful. Her mum sadly died before I met her father, and I just do my best to be there but not to intrude.

BUT the person who has been very manipulative is my step SILs mum. A sweet, kind, lovely BUT totally controlling woman who wants to be 'the best nana in the world' and plays all sorts of tricky games. She is aided by her daughter. It's so very, very sad as there is more than enough love to go round!

Fortunately darling SD and SIL are beginning to see through her, but I've been reduced to tears on many occasions over the past years but am always careful to keep a cheerful face for everyone!

I've been helped a lot by reading posts on Gransnet and Mumsnet - there's nothing new under the sun, and we just all need to get along the very best way we can ?

I hope for you that the new parents will realise that they have a great Nanna waiting in the wings. You must see the mum-to-be regularly - why not approach her about small but essential items that she needs.

I am in exactly the same position of Izabella - I think only someone who has been a stepmother can understand the confusing world we are put in by the grown up children of a partner or husband.

My advice to you is to not be judgemental in any way, ensure the mother to be can come to you for help if she needs it, enquire after her health and that sort of thing in a friendly manner but let her do things the way she wants to without criticism. Get involved only so much as YOU want to, without feeling put upon. Works for me.

I am Step Gran to an amazing little 4yr old girl, who I love very much and we have a fantastic relationship when we do see each other. Sadly Mum doesn't like me and I learned quite early on to let her make all the moves as she likes to control things.

OH and I have discussed it many times and we both believe that we (or just me) might one day be cut off in one of Mum's rages (we've already had the "well you won't be seeing much of GD when we visit" because we couldn't fit into Mum's pre planned schedule on two of the days of her visit). I cancelled one appointment just to keep the peace, OH was so angry.

They don't live nearby but I look forward to every visit and make sure we have lots of cuddles and QT and only visit them at her birthday now as Mum is so unpredictable. I've accepted that it may all come to an end one day and I'm ok with that now but for a while I did think I shouldn't get too attached to the little one but I've made my peace with it.

I would say buy the gift, it will hurt if they bin it, I know, but you'll get over it. it puts the ball in their court, shows that you want to be part of the baby's life and you will soon have your answer.

Best of luck and I hope it all works out well x

Be very careful. Do support your step son. Sadly there are some women who make a 'career' of living on benefits and having babies on a regular basis each by a different father.

I have a friend whose son has been sucked into this style of living. Sadly he married and then was divorced and then married and now being divoced by the woman. She does not see any of ther grand children

She is obviously savvy regarding benefits!! As for your own role, I have learned to tread very carefully as a step gran. I never give advice (made that mistake just the once) and only visit if invited which is rarely. I love my 'grandson' but do not feel as if I fit in and definately fall into the category of 'dads wife' rather than anything else. I am not in a position to give gifts or money, which I know (from overheard conversations) is perceived as meanness.

I fill my life with other things, and lurk on these forums for advice and the experiences of others which I find most helpful.

You must feel very sad. Just hold on in there and support yor stepson, you may grow closer through this and if he has the baby for visits etc you will be there to help. Just don't build your hopes up you will only be disappointed again if it turns sour.
One day at a time.

Well, it seems I was already being too optimistic. The rows between these two soon to be parents have started already, I cannot see them being together by the time this poor mite is born. The Mother has no intention of working at all, just wants to get all the benefits she can, so is intending to claim she is a single parent.... I know it is the way of the world for some people, but I don't have to approve. I actually feel sorry for my stepson, he was/is so thrilled at being a Dad and is working hard to support them all.

I will keep all your suggestions in mind, but have a feeling there will not be a happy outcome for anyone in this sorry story.

How about something they will need and use often that you choose together or gift money towards. (Steriliser / nappies / cot / buggy) If you purchase a gift of your own choosing, however wonderful or beautiful that may be, they may resent the money you spent that they could have put to "better" use and your gift will be sold/disposed of.

Is a gift something we want to give or something the recipient wants to receive? Hopefully both but don't be upset if you never see your 'gift' again, you will know you had pleasure in buying something for the baby. Good Luck.

wombat48 Welcome I hope it works out. There are probably a lot of stepgrans on here who can offer more advice.

gillybobs ideas sound good to me.

I would suggest you get the baby's mother (girlfriend) on side. Ask if you can do anything to help. Confide in her. Tell her that you wish to be part of their lives and that you will take a lot of pleasure being able to help out. Maybe tell her that you want to get something for the baby just from you. Suggest you pick it out together. Often young mums have a very different taste in styles and colours. Good luck.

Yes tread carefully as shysal says. Allow the parents to make the moves and offer a little help, you can always increase this if it's welcomed. I have never been nor wanted to be Mum or Nan to step children/ grandchildren they all call me by my first name which is fine with me. Just one step grandson calls me Nanny 2 so he can differentiate. Don't get hung up on this its not a big issue in the grand scheme of things.

I would suggest a pampering set for mother and baby. A few examples below.
www.google.co.uk/?gfe_rd=cr&ei=ZS3sVLv-BZHj8wfr_oGIAQ&gws_rd=ssl#tbm=shop&q=postnatal+pamper+set
I do hope you will be given the opportunity to be part of the baby's life. However, you may have to tread carefully, as do many grandparents!