What do you do when you disapprove of your child announcing a pregnancy?

Congratulations Erdos! This is an exciting new chapter for you and your husband.You are settled in your adult life and though I cannot understand your parents attitude,the problem is theirs and not yours.I would continue to talk about your pregnancy and your happiness and preparations for the new baby,even if they ignore it.It will show them that this is your life now and naturally your pregnancy is the main focus for you.Hopefully they will change their minds once they see your pride and happiness in the new arrival.If not,it will be their loss and you have to prioritise building your own family now.

I think you parents are giving you a splendid of example of what not to do to your own child. You are a grown woman you should see this for what it is parents with problems, they have done their worst and you are now mistress of your own destiny.

You can't blame your parents when you have been in charge of your own life, for as long as they were in charge of it, time to move on.

Parent as it suit you and with love. It will all be fine.

Ignore them and enjoy your pregnancy - you and DH sound as if you've got your heads screwed on. I know we all want our parents to be proud of us, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Funnily enough, my mum was not maternal, but adored the GC. Perhaps when the new baby arrives, it will act as a bridge - I do hope so.

Congratulations Erdos, having a child is a wonderful thing and the vast majority of grandparents of any age would be delighted by your news.

I have a lot of sympathy for your predicament. Like you I have mild ADHD and I am dyspraxic and during my childhood, my teachers generally made it clear that they never expected much of me - despite me always doing well in exams. Thankfully, my parents found me incomprehensible but just worried about me, and loved me dearly.

When your parents have labelled you so viciously, and been so persistent in sticking to it, no matter what you do, and their age has nothing to do with it.Then the best thing to do is first, accept that there is nothing you can do in any way at any point that will change your parents view of you. If necessary seek counselling to help you cope with this.

Secondly loosen the ties between you and your parents. Stop emailing everyday, gradually space it out until, perhaps you email just once a month. I hesitate to ask us but are your parents getting a perverse satisfaction from your daily contact with them, feeling it proves to them your perceived inadequacy and that you need them more than they need you? I would certainly limit their contact with your child after he/she is born. Their attitude to you will undoubtedly colour their attitude to your child which could be very damaging for the child.

Do your parents in law know how difficult your relationship with your parents is? I am sure if they did they would offer you all the support you truly need.

In a case like this I think the best thing to do is loosen the bonds that bind you to your parents. If contact dwindles to emails and cards on birthday's and at Christmas do not worry. It will be better for your emotional health and that of your child.

I can hardly believe what I have just read about your parents erdosrenyi. They need help if they cannot bring themselves to be happy for you and look forward to having another grandchild. I do hope that once your baby arrives they can somehow change their attitude and welcome the baby into the family. It's their loss if they can't .
Meanwhile hope all goes well for you and your OH and try not to allow your parents to spoil your joy. Good luck .

How much do you see of each other? Do they visit you and do you visit regularly, infrequently or not at all. ? How often do you see your sister? Can you not get her to intercede on your behalf?

Can it be that they cope with you having moved to another country by distancing themselves a bit. Might they see it as a rejection.? A daily email is unusual but even if trivial it could be their way of keeping in touch. You obviously know them and we dont, but they enjoy their local grandchildren, maybe they are unhappy that you are so far away as will your child, their new grandchild be.

I am sure they dont think of you as a waste of space, because obviously you are not, but they will have their own perce ption of the sad situation. It would be worth trying to find out what that perception is. If you then feel they really do not care, though surely they do, then get on with your life, love and enjoy your coming baby and try to forgive your parents if you can. It is their loss. Good luck and congratulations. Be happy.

erdosrenyl I think your parents have problems, but you aren't one of them. Most parents would take your depression as something that needed support - not something that made you worse than them. You've got a house and a husband and you're expecting a baby. That puts you in a really good place. I think they are a sad couple who will miss out once the baby is born. By all means send them photos and updates on the babies progress but don't beat yourself up trying to connect with them. I gave up my career when I had my first baby and took all sorts of jobs afterwards, butI ended up doing all sorts of interesting things over the years and never felt I'd missed out on anything or disappointed my family.

I did not say that your parents are probably right! Its you that keeps saying that they think you are a 'waste of space'. They have their own lives and you have yours. Don't waste any more time ruminating.

Thanks for all the advice on here.
i'll do what I can to follow the positive points of focusing on my, DH's and DS's future, and not looking back.

Daily emails are kept extremely trivial - it's usually my father whinging about something trivial (we went out for lunch, your mother's coffee wasn't to her liking; we went to a concert, the venue wasn't good enough; some bloody teenager refused to serve me in a shop because I called her a stupid child... etc), me responding in bright & breezy fashion (oh well, at least the playing in the conecrt was good/ the rest of your meal was good/ there was another shop round the corner... etc). My mother hasn't bothered emailing me in years, and only did it infrequently in the first few years after I left - though she will respond to my sister's emails several times daily.

Bobbysgirl we have phone (Skype) contact once a week. My parents talk about themselves/ go off on rants about other people's stupidity & fecklessness etc. for an hour without drawing breath, then get off. They haven't asked about anything to do with our life in a long time - my father basically seems totally uninterested except when he can find a negative comparison to make with someone he deems "better" than me or DH - and my mother only wants to know so she can rub it in that I might not've heard from whoever she's asking about because they probably don't like me because I'm such a waste of space (no, I usually haven't heard from whoever it is because I last spoke to them 30 years ago in primary school...).

Jane10 you seem to have the insight into my parents' mindset that I lack. So what do you think they think about me? On the one hand you say I'm projecting, on the other you imply that my parents are probably right as we only have what I've said. If they have significant problems in their lives that make them too unhappy to respond positively to anything I do, then they do a pretty good job of hiding them in between living busy lives of apparently healthy privileged retirees with lots of fun activities, expensive overseas holidays, wide circle of acquantainces, etc. My mother's only terrible disappointment in life that she talks about (other than me) is that my father won't take her on a round the world cruise or buy her diamonds for her birthday.

They are certainly unwilling to engage. However everything points to that being because they think I'm a waste of oxygen and always have been, and they're embarrassed about me.

Need to look forward, not back. Off to fold some baby clothes and put up the curtains in DS's room...

Ps just read that you have a good relationship with your in-laws - nurture it, your parents are far enough away so that you don't have to have them visiting on a daily basis.
Keep any emails bright, breezy and non-committal

We are only hearing the OPs viewpoint. It would be interesting to hear her parents perception. I realise I sound negative but I've often found that there can be very different perceptions on both sides. The parents may have had a very difficult time and be unwilling or unable to engage as much as the OP would like. Daily emails could be seen as a bit much?

I found the earlier thread, erdosrenyi and realise that it was your original thread.
I'm really sorry that things are no better with the situation between you and your parents.
Your mother sounds as if she has a lot of unresolved issues, so I don't know what would be your best move.

Just stay as happy and positive as you can; keep in touch but certainly not daily? and hope her attitude will soften when the baby arrives and you prove to her what good parents you are.
How well do you get on with your sister? Can she mediate or tell them how unkind they are being?
However, some of the things in your OP that they have said to you sound like mental abuse, do you need all that?
Are you in-laws around and are they nice people?

In the meantime, keep well, best wishes

Hi there, just wondering if you and your parents ever have telephone contact?
Really feel that it is easier way to have spontaneous contact, as email to-ing and fro-ing whilst good on keeping up with the news is not good for a heart to heart.

If you can, arrange to chat and tell your parents how excited you are and ask them outright if they feel the same. You will soon get the tone of the conversation!

Know calls from overseas can be expensive but maybe it will help clear things up about the current situation.

Congratulations and best wishes!

Congratulations Erdos on your pregnancy.

They may be your parents but they don't sound very nice at all and in your position, I would stop all contact if all they can do is criticise and put you down.

You do not need that sort of negativity in your life.
You're an adult and you get to choose who you want to spend time with. You in-laws sound lovely. Start forging a new closer relationship with them and forget about your parents. You owe them nothing, and you have a new family now.

Break free and don't look back. Overly critical parents don't deserve you or their new grandchild. I'd also consider breaking contact with the sister too.
Just because you're related, doesn't mean you have to accept their influence if it makes you unhappy.

Imagine if they tried to pass all that negativity onto your little one? Don't give them the opportunity.

I've heard of similar situations, Erdosrenyi. Sometimes parents form a view of their child and then whatever that child does in life, (even if it's something most parents would be thrilled with!) the parents will twist it to fit in with their view of their child.

Eventually, it becomes ingrained into the parents psyche and to change their view of the child means admitting that they've been wrong at some point and that's simply not possible because they'd have to look at things in a different light which challenges their whole being.

It seems to me that that might be happening here and it's very difficult to change. Maybe you're better concentrating on your coming baby and becoming a new family, which will be a very exciting time!

Congratulations OP on your pregnancy. I would love a daily email from a daughter. They don't know how lucky they are. Maybe though they are not very keen on replying to emails. For me I have an iPad on all the time it doubles as aKindle and a recipe book and a reference library. DH has to sigh and sit down with a coffee and throw coal into the back of the ancient computer in the study when he'd far prefer to be watching sport. Perhaps they are like that. And perhaps prefer to play with a living child rather than discuss a future one. Also in another country maybe a time lapse. You don't say who is where and if different cultures come into it. Send emails to those who want to hear from you.

Congratulations Erdosrenyi, you are happy with your husband and his family, don't let the attitude of your parents spoil this exciting time for you. You are clearly an independent person and so you don't need the approval of your parents. They may well feel differently when the baby arrives but if not it's their loss. Sounds like your family have got into the habit of making you feel like a 'problem ' break free of it and let them initiate contact in future. Believe me this is not typical behaviour of 70 year old. Good luck .

Congratulations on your pregnancy. This should be a time of joy and happiness not negativity. I agree with mcem stop the daily emails, you are definitely not duty bound to send them

Why not opt out of the daily email routine and wait until they respond?
Enjoy your pregnancy and let it be a time of contented and busy anticipation shared by your lovely man.

erdosrenyi I'm very sorry to hear that, it should be a time of joy and I hope you can stay positive for your baby's sake.

There was a very similar thread some while ago, if I can remember it I will link it. Otherwise perhaps you could do a search because some of the answers on that thread could be helpful to you.

If we're thinking about the 'what ifs' - what if they have significant problems of their own and don't want to worry you with them? What if your Mums depression has returned and makes life very difficult for her to make the right noises of praise etc? Best to move on and focus on your baby.

Congratulations erdos. You will love and care for this baby, it's a pity your parents don't want to be involved, but that is their loss. Don't dismiss the contribution your in laws can make, they may well become your real support, providing your baby with GPs who are involved and caring. When the baby arrives you may find it difficult to maintain the daily e-mail because you are so busy (or that's what you can claim). Less contact might make you feel better.

People can be very weird. I'd stop the daily emails if I were in your position. Let them sulk.

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy and the birth. It's a very exciting time.

Erdosrenyi perhaps it's time to stop looking for your parents approval? You're all grown up, with a good man, and a baby on the way. How wonderful. I'd just say 'sod you' (in your head) to them and get on with the rest of your life.

NickyJo64 you're position is completely different. Poor you.

Is it possible that you are projecting those feelings in to your parents? I mean could you be expecting them to feel this way about you? There could be all sorts of reasons for a less than speedy response to your texts. They have their own lives and preoccupations. Don't ruminate on possibilities. Focus on the forthcoming happy event. Good luck.