What do you do when you disapprove of your child announcing a pregnancy?

Congratulations on expecting your first baby! Very exciting news indeed! I hope the other grandparents are excited by the news. I think you need to develop a hard skin, hard though that is. It doesn't sound as if your parents are going to express approval whatever you do. I would ignore their negative vibes and talk about the pregnancy as you discuss other news. If they cannot share your joy that is their loss. It is very hard for you but good you are in a happy secure marriage. What is your sister's attitude?

Well I am a mother of 2 sons, my youngest 22 yr old son has full custody of my 3 yr old granddaughter whose mother has seen her twice in a year, it's been very hard for the family & worn me out running around & doing everything to make sure they have all they need, my sons girlfriend who lost a child at age 16, now has 1 yr old with a dad who's a drug addict is now expecting a child with my son, I completely accept my son is as responsible as this silly 20 yr old girl, but the dysfunction is sending me mad, I cannot embrace this news with happiness, it's a disaster, oh & she lives 40 miles away with no desire to move, my son also has no desire to move, what happened to having a child and actually giving a damn about that childs welfare before it's born - would appreciate comments & probably in need of counselling

Sister has a good relationship with parents, so she veers between being positive about the baby to me, and yet sometimes very barbed and negative about my apparent deficiencies. Her daughter (first grandchild) is also fairly negative about me, clearly mirroring what her mother and grandparents say when I'm not there.

The other grandparents are perfectly normal people - obviously I'm their DIL not their daughter, so I'm not that close to them, but they're being nice and excited about it all.

I don't think my parents' attitudes are likely to change uch - just kind of looking for insight from people perhaps closer to their position as to what, if anything, can be done to improve the situation.

"the dysfunction is sending me mad, I cannot embrace this news with happiness, it's a disaster"
"what happened to having a child and actually giving a damn about that childs welfare before it's born"

Seems to be more or less my parents' view. They don't seem to see that their view of me is basically totally different from the rest of the world's.

I might also add that I have had no support from parents since i was a teenager and have not asked for any. I have refused the very few (grudging and rude) offers of help in the 20 years since i was a teenager. Once the baby's here I won't be asking for anything at all, particularly not babysitting as i live in a different country from them. So actually they will have zero obligations in terms of running round.

Congratulations Erdos. You sound as if you are in a good place in your life after an unhappy upbringing, and this baby will be an added joy. Honestly, I can't pretend to understand your parents' attitude. If your situation had been like that Nickyjo described, I could see why they might be concerned but you sound as if you are in a stable marriage, which should be the ideal place for a child to grow and thrive.

Try to ignore the attitude of your parents and chat about your pregnancy with those who care: Husband, in-laws and friends. Maybe they will come round after the baby is born and see how well cared for it is. Good luck with your pregnancy and birth. Make sure you look after yourself and avoid the stress your parents seem to put you under.

Congratulations, Erdosrenly. You seem to be in a very good place to have a baby and offer a loving home. People do not change as they get older, so just keep the contact with your family to what you can cope with. You will shortly be busy caring for your baby, enjoy every minute of the time, it passes so quickly. It is your parents who are the loosers with their attitude, they will miss so much joy if they continue to be so negative.

Poor you Nickyjo64 what a nightmare! My youngest child fell pregnant at 17 and I wasn't happy! I had hoped she would get a career and uni under her belt before babies also she wasn't in a secure relationship! She and my grandson have lived with me nearly all along (he is now 6 )she tried living in her own place for a couple of years but her health isn't good and after several trips to hospital and my small GS spending more and more time at my house (I was there anyway before work every day and stayed after work to help her til after he went to bed!) they decided to move back with me. It's tiring having a small child in the house again and to be honest I am co parenting as she relies very very heavily on me to do daily child care and school pick ups and lots of other things besides! But although I wasn't happy with the idea it has still proved a blessing he is a delightful affectionate little boy and I can't imagine life without him! As for daughter she managed to get herself on to a vet nurse course and is sorting herself out! My other two daughters now also have little ones and they are delightful fortunately they are both in more stable situations with degrees jobs husbands and own homes etc!

At your age Erdos your parents shouldn't really be quibbling about anything you do, its your life & your choice, congrats.
Frustrations run high for me as to how young my son is & the fact its kids having kids. My granddaughter spends lots of time with us, had her every other weekend since she was a week old! That's when alarm bells rang for me that any mother would part with their baby for a night at a week old, though the mothers been absent for year now, that says it all - at least the new girlfriend is already a mum, that helps, am sure once baby arrives, my new grandchild, I will enjoy what I can do to help them

Congratulations! - how very exiting. I wish I could turn the clock back and be expecting my first baby again! Just enjoy it all - it passes in a flash.

As for your parents' strange attitude - it will be their loss not having a close relationship with their grandchild; and their views are irrelevant - it is YOUR new family, YOUR baby, YOUR life.

Just concentrate on your own lovely family and enjoy. Ignore them!

Hi Jenpax - bless you - it is hard work & tiring but like you I adore my GD & she's what matters. I tire easily am 52 & diagnosed with Rheumatoid back in April, I think having been in pain since last October hasn't helped with my positive head, it's gradually coming back, but then another curve ball gets thrown & I worry myself stupid, I know I have to just take each day, my boys know I love them & I try not to interfere, it's their lives after all

Congratulations on your pregnancy and best wishes for the future.
Sad that your parents have such a strange attitude but that's their problem. Try not to let it bother you if possible.
Look to the future not the past.

Is it possible that you are projecting those feelings in to your parents? I mean could you be expecting them to feel this way about you? There could be all sorts of reasons for a less than speedy response to your texts. They have their own lives and preoccupations. Don't ruminate on possibilities. Focus on the forthcoming happy event. Good luck.

Erdosrenyi perhaps it's time to stop looking for your parents approval? You're all grown up, with a good man, and a baby on the way. How wonderful. I'd just say 'sod you' (in your head) to them and get on with the rest of your life.

NickyJo64 you're position is completely different. Poor you.

People can be very weird. I'd stop the daily emails if I were in your position. Let them sulk.

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy and the birth. It's a very exciting time.

Congratulations erdos. You will love and care for this baby, it's a pity your parents don't want to be involved, but that is their loss. Don't dismiss the contribution your in laws can make, they may well become your real support, providing your baby with GPs who are involved and caring. When the baby arrives you may find it difficult to maintain the daily e-mail because you are so busy (or that's what you can claim). Less contact might make you feel better.

If we're thinking about the 'what ifs' - what if they have significant problems of their own and don't want to worry you with them? What if your Mums depression has returned and makes life very difficult for her to make the right noises of praise etc? Best to move on and focus on your baby.

erdosrenyi I'm very sorry to hear that, it should be a time of joy and I hope you can stay positive for your baby's sake.

There was a very similar thread some while ago, if I can remember it I will link it. Otherwise perhaps you could do a search because some of the answers on that thread could be helpful to you.

Why not opt out of the daily email routine and wait until they respond?
Enjoy your pregnancy and let it be a time of contented and busy anticipation shared by your lovely man.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. This should be a time of joy and happiness not negativity. I agree with mcem stop the daily emails, you are definitely not duty bound to send them

Congratulations Erdosrenyi, you are happy with your husband and his family, don't let the attitude of your parents spoil this exciting time for you. You are clearly an independent person and so you don't need the approval of your parents. They may well feel differently when the baby arrives but if not it's their loss. Sounds like your family have got into the habit of making you feel like a 'problem ' break free of it and let them initiate contact in future. Believe me this is not typical behaviour of 70 year old. Good luck .

Congratulations OP on your pregnancy. I would love a daily email from a daughter. They don't know how lucky they are. Maybe though they are not very keen on replying to emails. For me I have an iPad on all the time it doubles as aKindle and a recipe book and a reference library. DH has to sigh and sit down with a coffee and throw coal into the back of the ancient computer in the study when he'd far prefer to be watching sport. Perhaps they are like that. And perhaps prefer to play with a living child rather than discuss a future one. Also in another country maybe a time lapse. You don't say who is where and if different cultures come into it. Send emails to those who want to hear from you.

I've heard of similar situations, Erdosrenyi. Sometimes parents form a view of their child and then whatever that child does in life, (even if it's something most parents would be thrilled with!) the parents will twist it to fit in with their view of their child.

Eventually, it becomes ingrained into the parents psyche and to change their view of the child means admitting that they've been wrong at some point and that's simply not possible because they'd have to look at things in a different light which challenges their whole being.

It seems to me that that might be happening here and it's very difficult to change. Maybe you're better concentrating on your coming baby and becoming a new family, which will be a very exciting time!

Congratulations Erdos on your pregnancy.

They may be your parents but they don't sound very nice at all and in your position, I would stop all contact if all they can do is criticise and put you down.

You do not need that sort of negativity in your life.
You're an adult and you get to choose who you want to spend time with. You in-laws sound lovely. Start forging a new closer relationship with them and forget about your parents. You owe them nothing, and you have a new family now.

Break free and don't look back. Overly critical parents don't deserve you or their new grandchild. I'd also consider breaking contact with the sister too.
Just because you're related, doesn't mean you have to accept their influence if it makes you unhappy.

Imagine if they tried to pass all that negativity onto your little one? Don't give them the opportunity.

Hi there, just wondering if you and your parents ever have telephone contact?
Really feel that it is easier way to have spontaneous contact, as email to-ing and fro-ing whilst good on keeping up with the news is not good for a heart to heart.

If you can, arrange to chat and tell your parents how excited you are and ask them outright if they feel the same. You will soon get the tone of the conversation!

Know calls from overseas can be expensive but maybe it will help clear things up about the current situation.

Congratulations and best wishes!