What do you do when you disapprove of your child announcing a pregnancy?

erdosrenyi,

Definitely time to stop seeking their approval. It’s often said that the child becomes the parent. I think it’s time for you to be the parent. Your life sounds like it’s on a good path.

Congratulations on the new baby.

Take care of your own family and learn from your parents mistakes. Contrary to popular belief you don’t owe them anything. And if you don’t take a step back now, it’ll only get worse as they get even older.

When absentdaughter told me – confidentially – that she was pregnant with her sixth child, I jumped up and down, clapping my hands and grinning like a fool because I knew that was what she wanted. At the same time, I was horribly aware of her precarious financial situation, which I have made some serious sacrifices to mitigate, and, to be truthful, I thought that having a sixth child was, perhaps, not the wisest thing to do. Nevertheless, he (as it turned out) is a joy and delight to all of us now and, anyway, was on the way then. I can't imagine turning my back on my pregnant daughter – or, indeed, my daughter for any reason. I don't own her or her plans and never really have – I just go with what is and I'm glad to do so.

Well done to you Teresaship for rising above such hurtful treatment and making a success of your life.

erdosreni It is often the case that children who feel rejected by their parents try very hard to shrug off hurtful behaviour and go out of their way to win their approval - usually to no avail. Your parents' treatment of you is, in my opinion, unforgiveable and perhaps you should now consider creating a great deal more distance between you. They do not deserve you.

Many congratulations on your pregnancy and wishing you all the best for the future.

However hard it is you may just have to stop worrying about your parents attitude. I am one of 6 children 3 boys and 3 girls. All my life my mother has treated me differently to the others, resented my husband having a decent career when one of my brothers didn't, when my brother and I didn't get wedding invite my mum said that she couldn't understand my brother being left out but in my case it was expected as 'nobody likes you.' I was the only one that didn't get cash on my 40th birthday. Sometimes I have been very hurt but I refused to let her resentment spoil my life. She also told me that my son would end up in borstal and my daughter would be pregnant as a teenager, my daughter was 7 at the time. Both my children went to university!
Embrace the support of your husband and in laws, do not accept the negativity from your parents and sister. The best way you can prove them wrong is to be the brilliant mum you know you will be and be happy.

Hi there my parents,were distant and pheraps I was an independent awkward child in their eyes,having my children were the best and I made the decision to be a different parent .It was not easy .However you sound very self awAre,I'm.now a grandmother and still trying to be different to my mother.It's their loss however I think I can relate to the hurt.I was puzzled by her selfishness any help was grudgingly given .I would like to wish you all the best for the baby.

If your Parents have been talking to you like that your whole life I am surprised you have anything to do with them at all. I wouldn't.
You have made your own life now, and a very good and happy one it seems to be. Tell them to ....go away( That's being polite). It is their loss not yours.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Please enjoy this wonderful happy time in your lives....you are now a little family....the other family you can only tolerate on your terms....lots of very apply times ahead...you 3 really only need each other...good luck

It sounds as if they have always put you down. You are never going to please them so just get on with your life and enjoy it. Congratulations on the expected baby...wonderful

Erdos, Congratulations! What a blessing! You sound like an exceptional young woman who has overcome life challenges successfully; the same qualities that will make you an excellent mother.
With regard to your parents, sometimes people behave a certain way based on their own shortcomings or experiences. Consider instead that they are misguided through no fault of their own. You mention you had no parental support as a teenager (did you leave home?) Also that you now live in a different country altogether. Is it possible they somehow felt abandoned by you and have been acting on that? Just something to consider.

Whatever the case may be, try not to judge them. You have a wonderful life ahead of you and from your post, you are highly intelligent and well educated. Your parents may come around when their new grandchild is born or choose to continue being who they are. Either way, your life is what you make of it. Keep the lines of communication open and choose to be happy, you deserve it. Wishing you the best with your new baby!

Congratulations erdos on your happy news!

You and your husband are founding your very own new family and fortunately you have local PILs who will be the new DGC's most important other members of your new family.
You have a toxic relationship with scapegoating parents and you need to ask yourself if that is what you want for your child. They are most unlikely to change so you need to be the one who decides how things are going to be in your own little family. If any improvement in the tenor of your lives involves gradually withdrawing from such intense and constant contact with your parents then that is what you must do. You must also cease to seek approval from whence it will not come and this involves a total rethink on your part as well as coming to terms with the results. You are a grown up and are a responsible person and one who is about to become, jointly with your husband, totally responsible for another little person. You will not want the put downs and scapegoating to be extended to your baby!
Time to be tough! If you are able to challenge and change them it would be a wonderful turn around but from what you say it sounds a very unlikely scenario. So - build on all the good things you have and change direction.
Enjoy the preparations for your new arrival and do let us know how things go for your new family.

Erdos congratulations!

Lilyflower seems to have pretty much summed things up and it's not an uncommon situation. I have a friend in a similar position who is now having counselling to help her stand up to her parents, especially her mother. She too is clever (although only one degree!) and her mother thought she had ADHD when at school. It seems she was bored!

Your are a grown woman. Your parents need you more than you need them. Let them go. You can do without their negativity and bitterness in your life. Enjoy your new baby.

They are the ones who will miss out don't let them put you down anymore . Concentrate on your hubby and enjoy your pregnancy and best wishes for the birth and future with your little one x

Don't let your parents get away with talking about themselves for the whole time you Skype. You could say,'I expect you want to hear my news too. I did such and such this week and DH has painted the nursery or whatever!'

Oh wow, even if you did have all these problems they have labelled you with then any decent, caring parents would be supporting you, not constantly putting you down! Stop emailing them if you can do so without feeling any guilt (you should not be guilty imho). It is very hard to ignore your parents, their attitude has coloured and shaped your life and all you would like is for them to share your joy, but that looks out of the question so maybe you can learn to just the parents in laws company and encourage their involvement with your pregnancy. Good luck and stay strong

I'd send an email asking if there is a problem. Tell them you are upset by their lack of enthusiasm and interest. See if they reply.

Congratulations on your news.

I don't know if this may help but my DD became pregnant and I was furious with her. I actually asked her how she could 'consider breeding with her partner' He is despicable and abusive. My husband was just as angry and our DS thought she should have an abortion.

Our DGS is now almost 14 months old and DH and myself both adore him - I kept in touch with DD during her pregnancy and eventually got DH to calm down although DS has not changed his position and neither DD or GS can visit us. We have had to help her financially and emotionally and because of her partner she has had SS threatening to take GS away. DD has mental health problems and needs support it is vey draining but we're still hanging in there for them.

I don' know if this is making any sense to you because it it a very emotive subject for me but the bottom line is even if your parents think you are a disappointment, you have let them down or whatever, keep your pregnancy low profile but don't let them ignore it. It may turn out ok with them and it may not you seem to have a supportive DH and you are obviously strong to deal with your parents - so look after your own little family and things may change but if they don't you have your own child to cherish. Good luck

erdosrenyi it seems that you are your parents scapegoat. Thre is some good advice on this website.
www.angriesout.com/grown19.htm

My parents especially my father, thought more highly of my sister than me. She was a great achiever in exams. I got on an made a life of my own but helped them out in old age.

You have to be your own person. There is no mileage in hoping your parents will change.

Sounds like your inlaws are lovely. Make good friends with them.

Well, I don't know about 'people in their 70s'. I am not in favour of stereotyping people or groups of people because of their age-group. They are all different.

Myself (in my 80s) I would only have concerns if (a) you weren't in a stable loving happy marriage or stable partnership and (b) if you were a teenager with all the extra concerns that would raise. Been there...

Otherwise, I simply cannot comprehend your parents' attitude. A lot of the women I know are just the reverse, are desperate to become a granny even if son/daughter has other plans! I'm not, because I don't live my life vicariously through others, not even another generation of descendants. But 'there's nought so queer as fowk' remains an old and true saying.

I think foxie summed it up nicely.
I am in my 70s. I wasn't happy with either of my daughters' plans for a first baby for very different reasons but I wouldn't have shown it to them for the world. And I love my daughters unreservedly and adore the grandchildren who resulted.
I myself was actually told by my mother that I was the "only one of my children who gave me any trouble" but my mother was delighted to be a grandparent and to some extent the GCs helped improve our relationship.
One of my children has a mother-in-law very like your parents Erdos. After years of hoping she would become as good a mother and grandmother as she is to her own daughters and their children, DD and her black sheep husband have now loosened the ties and expectations and are much happier.
Congratulations and much happiness to you all.

I have had a million problems with my children over the years and my daughter had a child at 16 whom she brought into the world without an ounce of stability for him. I think that having a child was the not the right thing for her because so many circumstances were wrong. However, my daughter is continuing to work and study and will hopefully be able to provide a happy, stable life for themselves in the future. My grandson is the apple of my eye; I adore him and couldn't think of my life without him.
I doubt your parents will change now and they have firmly established ways of thinking. It's very sad because they should be so, so proud of you and all that you have achieved even if it wasn't quite up to their 'expectations'. Immerse yourself in all the positive influences of your life and be happy.

New definition of "politely".
I agree with the sentiment

To put it politely stuff your parents, you ain't married to them and what they think or feel about your impending happy event don't matter one jot or tipple. I know it's a shame 'cos you'd like to have them in your corner but don't let the situation influence you or your marriage. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope all goes we'll

erdosrenyi, congratulations on your pregnancy. May I suggest you read a book called Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. There are also links to toxic parents on line. For me it was an eye opener. The problem is theirs and not yours. As a fully functioning adult, to protect yourself and your own family, you may need to distance yourself for awhile at least and see what happens. Nothing will change if you keep on doing what you have always done. Good luck xx

You poor thing, Erdos, as you are dealing with some difficult and unjust behaviour from your family. However, you are going to have a baby and that is a joyous occasions so congratulations.

The reason I am posting this is because I recognise the family set up as it is one I have lived with for many years.

You are the family scapegoat.

It is clear that any problems you have had in your past have dissipated to a large extent and you say you have university degrees so are clever and successful. Your decision to support your husband's job and take part time work is your business and yours alone. It sounds perfectly rational to me and would probably result in more general marital happiness than the pair of you undertaking stressful jobs or jobs far from each other.

Your parents, and to a certain extent your sister, have fallen into patterns created in childhood of dealing with you as a 'problem' and they cannot see that things have changed.

In my family there were many aunts and cousins and in each family there was a scapegoat child who bore the ire and blame for every ill. My family subconsciously picked up this behaviour and I became the bearer of all the guilt. Even now, when things go wrong they email me with nonsensical accusations which have no basis in fact but are a means of venting their fear and frustration with life. When my sister was being OFSTEDed at school and she had other severe pressures she let off a salvo of ire at me.

Given that I am quiet and overly sensitive at the best of times this behaviour has been extremely distressing even making me ill at times.

I decided to take no more of it and in a very friendly way said to my mother that she had to stop being horrible to me as it was upsetting me too much. Of course, she was shocked to find her behaviour was labelled as 'horrible'. However, she reacted in a positive way immediately and is now much kinder and nicer. When she starts the nastiness again I remind her she has to be 'nice' as I will not accept undeserved comments and that works.

My sister is a harder case as she would never in a million years be persuaded she was ever in the wrong. In her case, the last time she sent a cruel and unjust email I replied with only two lines to explain that everything I have ever said or done had been activated by affection for her and my mother. Then I went completely 'off radar'.

Bit by bit she showed she had got the message. Firstly she 'liked' my Facebook posts, then she added some indirect but pleasant comments. Then she sent short texts and then she arranged a birthday occasion for my mother at which our two families mingled on neutral ground. Thus they were both brought to consider the effects of their actions and whether they wanted to drop the relationship altogether.

You might find this to be the case in your instance too. And, what's more, with a baby you are not going to survive if your family relations are toxic. Test them out. Give them the chance to behave better and , if they will not, I would stage a withdrawal as they have no right to wreck your life.

You are an adult who is living life as a responsible functioning member of society ( I.e runs a home, works, in a relationship ) it is your decision ( and a partners ) if you have children. Your parents sound as if they are the ones who have a problem. Ignore them and live your life. If they want to be in your life and you do as well then great ( as long as it is a healthy relationship ) Just leave them to it and you enjoy the joy a baby brings.