Over protective daughter in law

I suspect though the issue here wasnt just the non holding of the baby but the general feeling that she wasn't wanted. This is an inevitable problem when international travel is involved as very few women want their MILS actually staying for a whole month, especially when they have a young baby. Would the OP have welcomed her MIL doing this when she had her first baby?

OF course its really difficult when the cost is high, and she has the added fear of flying. Having got there she wants her 'moneys worth' as it were, but I still suggest she restricts herself to two weeks on the next visits. Two quality weeks where welcome is better than four weeks outstaying your welcome.

Another point might be to try to make at least one of the two weeks when son is off work, and when at home alone with DIL to try to give her some space, take GC out certainly if she agrees, but otherwise go out for a couple of hours to give her a little space, a walk, a visit to the shops, any local atttraction, or at the very least to sit and read a book in the garden, not to be constantly hovering around her and GC.

Sounds a lot like attachment parenting. Mostly like you raised your babes, but with a new name. About 3/4ths of the new mamas I know practice Attachment Parenting. They love it!!!!

It definitely sounds like AP to me. One of my nieces practices that. Frustrating for the gps but it's not anything against them, just her and her dh's parenting style. Her parents have chosen to respect that. His put up a fuss at the start and now aren't invited over as often.

Perhaps it's good that you won't see baby again "for about a year." A lot can change in a year. Baby will be older. DIL may have relaxed some of her rules. And you'll have plenty of time to adjust to the idea that things may not be as you wish. Lower your expectations and try to enjoy whatever contact you get with gs.

I actually don't like to see babies handed around to unvaccinated (against Whooping Cough) adults. Statistics say more babies catch Whooping Cough from their unvaccinated parents or grandparents. About six years ago a mother from GD's school handed her newborn baby for me to hold. I was horrified a few days later to be told by my cousin that her teenage son who was fully vaccinated (he had major disabilities and was always vaccinated on his visits to the hospital) had been diagnosed with Whooping Cough. I had given him a hug a few days before holding this newborn baby, imagine how worried I felt. Luckily all was okay but I had a Whooping Cough vaccination.

I believe if I had babies now I would want adults to be vaccinated before they held my baby. I know I would feel anxious about taking them out in public.

So sad that more and more migration means grandparents being separated from their children and grandchildren, all over the world.

It's less of an issue for the wealthy who can afford short and frequent visits, but for ordinary families a source of sorrow.

A couple of posters brought up germs and vaccinations. Like one poster, I remember being told not to worry, that newborns have a built-in immunity. BUT that advice has CHANGED - at least, here in the States it has. New parents here are told that a newborn's immunity is NOT PERFECT and that germs ARE a concern. Even as a new GM, I was expected to wash my hands with antibacterial soap or use a hand sanitizer every time I was about to so much as touch my new GC. (Now, I hear sanitizers have fallen out of favor.) I don't know if that's the kind of advice being given now in Canada or Britain, etc., but maybe.

Also, lucky for DH and me, we were never asked to get a whooping cough or DPT vaccine before meeting a GB. However, our last grand was born 7 years ago. Since then, I've been hearing that some parents are requesting this of any adult who wants to meet their new baby before he/she is 6 months old. I don't think it's very widespread (yet), but it does happen. Again, I'm sure the parents who insist on this believe they're doing what's best for their infant.

I don't know if you're still reading here, tynsall, but congrats on your new GB! And kudos for making that plane trip!

So sorry the visit wasn't all you hoped! So difficult, I think, to have expectations dashed. (((Hugs!)))

DIL does sound like kind of an anxious person overall. Expensive worktop or not, is she never going to use her new kitchen in a normal way? But it IS new, LOL, as is the house. In time, she'll very likely calm down about it.

But I agree with those who say the issues with baby probably aren't so much about anxiety as Attachment Parenting. I don't know too much about AP. However, as I understand it, strictly AP parents keep their new babies close to them as much as possible and don't hand them to others for "cuddles." Even as baby gets older, they watch for "cues" (or something like that) from baby that say baby wants to be held by someone else before they let that person hold baby. If a parent believes deeply in AP, I don't think they relax these "rules" for anyone, regardless of who the person is, how hard a trip they made or how much they want to hold baby. It may seem "selfish," "unfair," or "overprotective" or even "silly" to you and me, but I imagine these parents think what they're doing is "right." I don't think they mean to hurt anybody, just trying to do what they believe is best for their child.

Anyhow, that may explain DIL's behavior concerning your GB. And it suggests it's a really good sign that she felt comfortable letting you hold baby's hand, even though that may not seem "enough" to you. I hope these thoughts help.

Also, I'm glad you didn't say anything to DIL. IF this is about AP, she might have seen it as challenging her parenting style and beliefs. I'm sure she appreciates the fact that you respected her wishes.

It doesn't look as if DS is on the same page though. Either he doesn't believe in AP (if that's what this is about) or he thinks exceptions can be made. Hopefully, that's not causing any major conflicts between him and DIL. But, happily, due to his more relaxed attitude, you got to hold baby, after all. I'm glad.

Hopefully, future visits will be more satisfactory for you. Meanwhile, I agree with the skype and facetime suggestions. Baby might not interact much via this technology, at first, but over time, he will.

Otherwise you're behaving like a bunch of upper class chimpanzees. There is a heirarchy of rights in chimp groups: higher class female chimps can take the baby of a lower class chimp. In all the footage I've seen the lower class chimps whose babies are handed round look very uncomfortable. I feel sorry for them.

Yes, I'm saying it's about power and overbearingness.

When my eldest daughter was born 36 (oh golly!) years ago, no-one was allowed to pick her up but me and hospital medical staff. Hospital rules. That was fine. Germ theory never entered my head, nor did it need to.

People who bring up germs are on the defensive because they feel their personal baby space has been invaded. It's a signal to others to Back Off! It doesn't matter if it's unreasonable in someone else's eyes. Relatives of new mothers need to be more sensitive. Apart from the baby's parents they have no rights. That's all there is to it.

I'm arguing this from a point of view of Other Sensitivity. I wasn't fussy about grandparents holding my babies at all. To be honest I was probably glad to hand over to someone else for a short period. Mind you, they weren't pushy either. There's the rub. I think Interested Others should wait to be given the baby to hold. If the mum doesn't hand her baby to grandparents, she's not ready to do so. She's ALLOWED not to be ready. Why can't people get their heads round that idea?

It's not about germs. It's about mother/baby SPACE. If the mother minds, just back off, for goodness' sake!!

Ditto!

How times have changed.
When my daughter was born 29 yrs ago my mum came to the hospital the next day and was actively encouraged by the nurses to pick her up and give her a cuddle. those germs !!

I'm sorry you held the babies hand while she was feeding it?

I'm tired so think I've misread.
However if that's true then that would've been a massive invasion of privacy for me and would've set me on edge for the whole month. You are a stranger to her. This wasn't about you. It was about the new mum who's just had her entire life flipped, hormones rushing through her body and a helpless Breast fed baby.
Instead of thinking what you were missed out on why not think about the positives. You were allowed to visit. You saw the baby and you met mum.
The baby was a newborn. A cuddle would've only been for your benefit. Not baby's and not mums. And so soon after birth they are the main priorities.

DiL allowed you in the room whilst feeding without a row?

This sounds like attachment parenting and is nothing to worry about! I did this with my three daughters (although I didn't know it had a name!) and my two eldest have followed my example with their babies it hasn't damaged my relationship with them at all. As they have got older (5,5,2) I spend more time with them doing normal grandparent things and it is all just fine. Your DIL sounds to like you there is no way I would have felt comfortable with my MIL near me when I was breast feeding!

My dil was like that. I wasn't even allowed to push the pram. This child is now almost 16 years old and dil hasn't got any time for him. She speaks to him awfully and one day he will make sure she regrets it. Nevertheless he has turned out a nice boy inspite of her treatment to him..

I've never heard about "protecting baby from germs". My dd was a tiny preemie weighing 5lb and I was not given that advice. In fact, I was told that babies, particularly those who are breastfed, are born with antibodies that guard against germs.

Dd was fine, had a compromised immune system maybe due to her prematurity (29 weeks) but did not develop any illness until she was older (about 1). She then contracted a series of colds and temperatures, which she thankfully grew out of in about 6 months and has had, I think, one cold since!

She was passed around like a little pink parcel as a newborn, amongst people who (horrors) smoked and were covered in germs, no doubt. I was thrilled that people were interested in her!

How exactly do you protect from germs anyway? Impossible!

Very good advice from the doctor that the baby should not be passed to all and sundry because of germs. How would we like it if we had a weak immune system and we were expected to go round the room hugging everyone for five minutes and they still wanted to hug us even when the were feeling unwell.

Granny Bing you would have heard the same advice in the UK if you talked to a doctor or midwife about caring for a baby and if you think about it, it makes sense.

The worst thing about being a granny (especially when it's a sons child) is that no matter how much love &I help you want to give it can only be given when the daughter in law allows it (or risk being alienated, )time is a great leveler & with time granny will soon be needed., but so hard for this granny with the distance etc, best way forward Skype or FaceTime love & good luck xx I learnt the hard way !!x

I arrived after a 12 hour flight to find my grandchildren were being kept with mummy in her bedroom until I showered and washed my hair with the stuff surgeons scrub up with before surgery. Next day I was taken to the paediatrician for a whooping cough vaccination as mum was refusing to have the children vaccinated. OP some young mothers today need their heads examined. Try not to feel too upset, remember you are not alone.

I think you are worrying too much about this. I can understand that the reality did not live up to your expectations, which must have been very hard, especially as you had put so much into making the long journey possible. But a lot of modern Mums are like this - the whole bonding thing is plugged really hard and,if she is a bit of a nervous first time Mum, then she is going to take this to heart and perhaps seem a bit OTT.

Please do not forget that to her you are a stranger. You have landed from nowhere in her home for a whole month at a time when she is trying to establish feeding and is feeling overwhelmed with her new responsibilities. The last thing I would have wanted was someone staying for that length of time at this difficult stage, especially if I hardly know them - or indeed do not know them at all. First time Mums are very sensitive indeed to any hint of criticism and need very gentle handling.

If you will forgive me saying so, I think you have already made a significant tactical error by expressing your dissatisfaction (criticism?) to your son behind her back. Not a good foot to get off on.

You have some ground to recover, which involves you accepting this lass as she is and doing everything you can to bolster her confidence and to strengthen the bond between her and your son. This does mean not saying anything at all adverse about her to him - and maybe you could send her an email that is full of positive things that will bolster her confidence: what a lovely time it was; what a beautiful baby; what a devoted Mum she is and how well she is doing; how delighted you are for her and your son etc. You have some ground to make up and I am sure it can be done, but it will involve putting an end to any resentment that you now feel and sending out a positive vibe.

I can see where you are coming from but I can also understand how she must be feeling. The desired end in view is that relationships should be good and every ounce of your effort should go into this when you are in touch with them. Don't forget that you have no rights at all, and that in some ways you need them more than they need you. That is a harsh fact of grandparenting especially from a distance where you are not in a position to offer any help to them.

Like parenting, we get better at being a grandparent as time goes on.

Maybe she had the baby blues, often happens after a baby is born I can remember looking at my first child when she so tiny and thinking what a big responsibility it was, so overwhelming. Give it time.

I remember my MIL nagging me because I was feeding the baby too often- I was breast feeding and we were just getting started. It takes over 1 month for the breast milk to be established properly and current thinking is that mum should feed as often as baby needs. In condemning the DIL for the baby being "attached to mum 24/7" I can still hear my MILs voice. Perhaps the DIL picked up on the critical aspect and the seeds of distrust were sown.

DIL had a month to get her new mil and in my mind there is no excuse for her not allowing her mil to give the baby a cuddle. If she was worried she could have sat next to her to keep an eye on things.

Well done op for getting on that plane and conquering your fears!

I think your dil is being unreasonable, personally. I think there's more to this than new-born anxiety. She sounds a bit precious ro me; fussing over (an admittedly expensive) piece of stone which is already millions of years old sounds a bit ott. I'd try not to take it personally though. If she's like it with everyone, perhaps that's just the way she is and you should accept it, at least for now. Maybe she's had some less than helpful advice too.

However I DO hope she at least appreciates the efforts you made in visiting, and overcoming your own fears.

My DDiL was over anxious with our 1st GD. By the time No. 2 came along things had improved no end. Now they come and stay on their own. So Tynsall give your DiL a chance. Lots of support, no unwanted advice, and love. Things will work out, just be patient Good luck