Over protective daughter in law

I didn't want anyone to touch my first baby except my husband and my own mother! It's simply a fiercely protective instinct which will ease off given time. Having said that, I did grit my teeth and allow others to hold him but I wanted to reclaim him the whole time. My own daughter was exactly the same. It's sad for you that they live so far away and you made such a supreme effort to get there and then felt rejected but she can't help having that natural protective reaction.

A whole month and you didn't get holding the baby for a cuddle ? I'm afraid I would have been asking for one and Im not a confrontational type of person but that is just ridiculous and your son should have said something. My heart goes out to you. Hopefully things will be better when you go out again.

I think it's sadder how many women refuse to breastfeed their babies.

Lots of good advice as usual. Well done on conquering your fears regarding flight & visit. I do agree if baby is very young it may not have been the best time to visit but I don't know reason behind timing.

I am not a great one for fussing over babies prefer them when they start toddling around & watching their personalities develop

When my step-GC were born it was a cuddle (I had to or else look disinterested) & back to Mum, I hate to see babies as "pass the parcel" which seems to happen & Mum becoming distressed

When DD had my DGS I was same, loved him to bits but did not need to constantly cuddle at baby stage, as he grew older I loved playing with him & always have lots of kisses & cuddles even now (he is 6) he's always telling me how much he loves me

Hope your next visit when he's older will be better - take it at his pace & I'm sure you'll be rewarded, hope you have lots of SKYPE time so you become a familiar face to him

I'm not surprised you're upset Tynsall, you must have been so looking forward to seeing them and having a cuddle with the new baby. My DD, SiL and new GS live in the US. I visited when he was a month old (I stayed only 10 days) and I took it for granted that I'd hold him and push him in the stroller, which I did. It meant such a lot to me in terms of bonding with GS that I feel for you missing out on that, especially having gone all that way.
We can only speculate on your DiL's odd behaviour - stress of being a new mother, anxiety about the baby's health, poor (or faddish) advice on mothering. At least you know it's not personal if she's like that with everyone.
In the US I went with DD to one of the baby's paediatrician appointments and the very nice doctor actually said to avoid passing the new baby around to strangers because of germs - not something I've heard advised over here. I know you're not a 'stranger' but I just wonder if your DiL has had similar advice and got it out of all proportion.
Hope things improve as they relax into parenthood. As others say, there's lots of ways to keep in touch online and it does help you feel a bit closer.

How different we all are
I was happy to hand over my ebf babies to anyone (well nearly anyone) to hold. Neighbour's teenage daughters visited me in hospital and were absolutly thrilled to be trusted .One of my happiest memories.Such a relief not to have a limpet on my chest. Went to weddings when each was six weeks and nearly got killed in the rush for cuddles (most of my friends had children years before me and couldn't wait to hold a relatively new born I assumed they knew what to do..)
But I was quite old and reasonably confident (though not necessarily in my parenting skills)
You did after all manage to raise her husband without damaging him
Perhaps there are other issues which will get sorted before you next meet up

Exactly, if you're all grandparents now then you can remember how much of a change it is. Sometimes you feel on top of the world, i did with my second, with my 1st i felt like a car crash for about a year after.

That fierce force, especially when breastfeeding. Its an intimate thing. So for OP to hold babys hand when doing it she must think alot of the OP.

She doesn't say how old the baby is, weeks? Months?
I really hope her husband didn't say anything to his wife. I'd of hit the roof.

I had PNA (post natal anxiety) and when anyone held DD i felt my chest tighten, i could feel my hands sweat and couldn't relax untill i'd got her back. Maybe your DIL has that? Its common.

Well done for flying, I'm not sure I could be as brave. I think your daughter in law is being very unreasonable. My daughter and daughter in law were both grateful for a little respite by letting me hold the baby at certain times, especially knowing I was only visiting for a short time and didn't live local to them. I actually held my grand daughter (one of a twin) 20 minutes after she was born.

My DDiL was over anxious with our 1st GD. By the time No. 2 came along things had improved no end. Now they come and stay on their own. So Tynsall give your DiL a chance. Lots of support, no unwanted advice, and love. Things will work out, just be patient Good luck

Well done op for getting on that plane and conquering your fears!

I think your dil is being unreasonable, personally. I think there's more to this than new-born anxiety. She sounds a bit precious ro me; fussing over (an admittedly expensive) piece of stone which is already millions of years old sounds a bit ott. I'd try not to take it personally though. If she's like it with everyone, perhaps that's just the way she is and you should accept it, at least for now. Maybe she's had some less than helpful advice too.

However I DO hope she at least appreciates the efforts you made in visiting, and overcoming your own fears.

DIL had a month to get her new mil and in my mind there is no excuse for her not allowing her mil to give the baby a cuddle. If she was worried she could have sat next to her to keep an eye on things.

I remember my MIL nagging me because I was feeding the baby too often- I was breast feeding and we were just getting started. It takes over 1 month for the breast milk to be established properly and current thinking is that mum should feed as often as baby needs. In condemning the DIL for the baby being "attached to mum 24/7" I can still hear my MILs voice. Perhaps the DIL picked up on the critical aspect and the seeds of distrust were sown.

Maybe she had the baby blues, often happens after a baby is born I can remember looking at my first child when she so tiny and thinking what a big responsibility it was, so overwhelming. Give it time.

I think you are worrying too much about this. I can understand that the reality did not live up to your expectations, which must have been very hard, especially as you had put so much into making the long journey possible. But a lot of modern Mums are like this - the whole bonding thing is plugged really hard and,if she is a bit of a nervous first time Mum, then she is going to take this to heart and perhaps seem a bit OTT.

Please do not forget that to her you are a stranger. You have landed from nowhere in her home for a whole month at a time when she is trying to establish feeding and is feeling overwhelmed with her new responsibilities. The last thing I would have wanted was someone staying for that length of time at this difficult stage, especially if I hardly know them - or indeed do not know them at all. First time Mums are very sensitive indeed to any hint of criticism and need very gentle handling.

If you will forgive me saying so, I think you have already made a significant tactical error by expressing your dissatisfaction (criticism?) to your son behind her back. Not a good foot to get off on.

You have some ground to recover, which involves you accepting this lass as she is and doing everything you can to bolster her confidence and to strengthen the bond between her and your son. This does mean not saying anything at all adverse about her to him - and maybe you could send her an email that is full of positive things that will bolster her confidence: what a lovely time it was; what a beautiful baby; what a devoted Mum she is and how well she is doing; how delighted you are for her and your son etc. You have some ground to make up and I am sure it can be done, but it will involve putting an end to any resentment that you now feel and sending out a positive vibe.

I can see where you are coming from but I can also understand how she must be feeling. The desired end in view is that relationships should be good and every ounce of your effort should go into this when you are in touch with them. Don't forget that you have no rights at all, and that in some ways you need them more than they need you. That is a harsh fact of grandparenting especially from a distance where you are not in a position to offer any help to them.

Like parenting, we get better at being a grandparent as time goes on.

I arrived after a 12 hour flight to find my grandchildren were being kept with mummy in her bedroom until I showered and washed my hair with the stuff surgeons scrub up with before surgery. Next day I was taken to the paediatrician for a whooping cough vaccination as mum was refusing to have the children vaccinated. OP some young mothers today need their heads examined. Try not to feel too upset, remember you are not alone.

The worst thing about being a granny (especially when it's a sons child) is that no matter how much love &I help you want to give it can only be given when the daughter in law allows it (or risk being alienated, )time is a great leveler & with time granny will soon be needed., but so hard for this granny with the distance etc, best way forward Skype or FaceTime love & good luck xx I learnt the hard way !!x

Very good advice from the doctor that the baby should not be passed to all and sundry because of germs. How would we like it if we had a weak immune system and we were expected to go round the room hugging everyone for five minutes and they still wanted to hug us even when the were feeling unwell.

Granny Bing you would have heard the same advice in the UK if you talked to a doctor or midwife about caring for a baby and if you think about it, it makes sense.

I've never heard about "protecting baby from germs". My dd was a tiny preemie weighing 5lb and I was not given that advice. In fact, I was told that babies, particularly those who are breastfed, are born with antibodies that guard against germs.

Dd was fine, had a compromised immune system maybe due to her prematurity (29 weeks) but did not develop any illness until she was older (about 1). She then contracted a series of colds and temperatures, which she thankfully grew out of in about 6 months and has had, I think, one cold since!

She was passed around like a little pink parcel as a newborn, amongst people who (horrors) smoked and were covered in germs, no doubt. I was thrilled that people were interested in her!

How exactly do you protect from germs anyway? Impossible!

My dil was like that. I wasn't even allowed to push the pram. This child is now almost 16 years old and dil hasn't got any time for him. She speaks to him awfully and one day he will make sure she regrets it. Nevertheless he has turned out a nice boy inspite of her treatment to him..

This sounds like attachment parenting and is nothing to worry about! I did this with my three daughters (although I didn't know it had a name!) and my two eldest have followed my example with their babies it hasn't damaged my relationship with them at all. As they have got older (5,5,2) I spend more time with them doing normal grandparent things and it is all just fine. Your DIL sounds to like you there is no way I would have felt comfortable with my MIL near me when I was breast feeding!

DiL allowed you in the room whilst feeding without a row?

I'm sorry you held the babies hand while she was feeding it?

I'm tired so think I've misread.
However if that's true then that would've been a massive invasion of privacy for me and would've set me on edge for the whole month. You are a stranger to her. This wasn't about you. It was about the new mum who's just had her entire life flipped, hormones rushing through her body and a helpless Breast fed baby.
Instead of thinking what you were missed out on why not think about the positives. You were allowed to visit. You saw the baby and you met mum.
The baby was a newborn. A cuddle would've only been for your benefit. Not baby's and not mums. And so soon after birth they are the main priorities.

How times have changed.
When my daughter was born 29 yrs ago my mum came to the hospital the next day and was actively encouraged by the nurses to pick her up and give her a cuddle. those germs !!

Ditto!

When my eldest daughter was born 36 (oh golly!) years ago, no-one was allowed to pick her up but me and hospital medical staff. Hospital rules. That was fine. Germ theory never entered my head, nor did it need to.

People who bring up germs are on the defensive because they feel their personal baby space has been invaded. It's a signal to others to Back Off! It doesn't matter if it's unreasonable in someone else's eyes. Relatives of new mothers need to be more sensitive. Apart from the baby's parents they have no rights. That's all there is to it.

I'm arguing this from a point of view of Other Sensitivity. I wasn't fussy about grandparents holding my babies at all. To be honest I was probably glad to hand over to someone else for a short period. Mind you, they weren't pushy either. There's the rub. I think Interested Others should wait to be given the baby to hold. If the mum doesn't hand her baby to grandparents, she's not ready to do so. She's ALLOWED not to be ready. Why can't people get their heads round that idea?

It's not about germs. It's about mother/baby SPACE. If the mother minds, just back off, for goodness' sake!!