Over protective daughter in law

Otherwise you're behaving like a bunch of upper class chimpanzees. There is a heirarchy of rights in chimp groups: higher class female chimps can take the baby of a lower class chimp. In all the footage I've seen the lower class chimps whose babies are handed round look very uncomfortable. I feel sorry for them.

Yes, I'm saying it's about power and overbearingness.

I don't know if you're still reading here, tynsall, but congrats on your new GB! And kudos for making that plane trip!

So sorry the visit wasn't all you hoped! So difficult, I think, to have expectations dashed. (((Hugs!)))

DIL does sound like kind of an anxious person overall. Expensive worktop or not, is she never going to use her new kitchen in a normal way? But it IS new, LOL, as is the house. In time, she'll very likely calm down about it.

But I agree with those who say the issues with baby probably aren't so much about anxiety as Attachment Parenting. I don't know too much about AP. However, as I understand it, strictly AP parents keep their new babies close to them as much as possible and don't hand them to others for "cuddles." Even as baby gets older, they watch for "cues" (or something like that) from baby that say baby wants to be held by someone else before they let that person hold baby. If a parent believes deeply in AP, I don't think they relax these "rules" for anyone, regardless of who the person is, how hard a trip they made or how much they want to hold baby. It may seem "selfish," "unfair," or "overprotective" or even "silly" to you and me, but I imagine these parents think what they're doing is "right." I don't think they mean to hurt anybody, just trying to do what they believe is best for their child.

Anyhow, that may explain DIL's behavior concerning your GB. And it suggests it's a really good sign that she felt comfortable letting you hold baby's hand, even though that may not seem "enough" to you. I hope these thoughts help.

Also, I'm glad you didn't say anything to DIL. IF this is about AP, she might have seen it as challenging her parenting style and beliefs. I'm sure she appreciates the fact that you respected her wishes.

It doesn't look as if DS is on the same page though. Either he doesn't believe in AP (if that's what this is about) or he thinks exceptions can be made. Hopefully, that's not causing any major conflicts between him and DIL. But, happily, due to his more relaxed attitude, you got to hold baby, after all. I'm glad.

Hopefully, future visits will be more satisfactory for you. Meanwhile, I agree with the skype and facetime suggestions. Baby might not interact much via this technology, at first, but over time, he will.

A couple of posters brought up germs and vaccinations. Like one poster, I remember being told not to worry, that newborns have a built-in immunity. BUT that advice has CHANGED - at least, here in the States it has. New parents here are told that a newborn's immunity is NOT PERFECT and that germs ARE a concern. Even as a new GM, I was expected to wash my hands with antibacterial soap or use a hand sanitizer every time I was about to so much as touch my new GC. (Now, I hear sanitizers have fallen out of favor.) I don't know if that's the kind of advice being given now in Canada or Britain, etc., but maybe.

Also, lucky for DH and me, we were never asked to get a whooping cough or DPT vaccine before meeting a GB. However, our last grand was born 7 years ago. Since then, I've been hearing that some parents are requesting this of any adult who wants to meet their new baby before he/she is 6 months old. I don't think it's very widespread (yet), but it does happen. Again, I'm sure the parents who insist on this believe they're doing what's best for their infant.

So sad that more and more migration means grandparents being separated from their children and grandchildren, all over the world.

It's less of an issue for the wealthy who can afford short and frequent visits, but for ordinary families a source of sorrow.

I actually don't like to see babies handed around to unvaccinated (against Whooping Cough) adults. Statistics say more babies catch Whooping Cough from their unvaccinated parents or grandparents. About six years ago a mother from GD's school handed her newborn baby for me to hold. I was horrified a few days later to be told by my cousin that her teenage son who was fully vaccinated (he had major disabilities and was always vaccinated on his visits to the hospital) had been diagnosed with Whooping Cough. I had given him a hug a few days before holding this newborn baby, imagine how worried I felt. Luckily all was okay but I had a Whooping Cough vaccination.

I believe if I had babies now I would want adults to be vaccinated before they held my baby. I know I would feel anxious about taking them out in public.

It definitely sounds like AP to me. One of my nieces practices that. Frustrating for the gps but it's not anything against them, just her and her dh's parenting style. Her parents have chosen to respect that. His put up a fuss at the start and now aren't invited over as often.

Perhaps it's good that you won't see baby again "for about a year." A lot can change in a year. Baby will be older. DIL may have relaxed some of her rules. And you'll have plenty of time to adjust to the idea that things may not be as you wish. Lower your expectations and try to enjoy whatever contact you get with gs.

Sounds a lot like attachment parenting. Mostly like you raised your babes, but with a new name. About 3/4ths of the new mamas I know practice Attachment Parenting. They love it!!!!

I suspect though the issue here wasnt just the non holding of the baby but the general feeling that she wasn't wanted. This is an inevitable problem when international travel is involved as very few women want their MILS actually staying for a whole month, especially when they have a young baby. Would the OP have welcomed her MIL doing this when she had her first baby?

OF course its really difficult when the cost is high, and she has the added fear of flying. Having got there she wants her 'moneys worth' as it were, but I still suggest she restricts herself to two weeks on the next visits. Two quality weeks where welcome is better than four weeks outstaying your welcome.

Another point might be to try to make at least one of the two weeks when son is off work, and when at home alone with DIL to try to give her some space, take GC out certainly if she agrees, but otherwise go out for a couple of hours to give her a little space, a walk, a visit to the shops, any local atttraction, or at the very least to sit and read a book in the garden, not to be constantly hovering around her and GC.