Daughter said they are going to emigrate!!!

I agree gardenman99. People have been quick to jump in with ideal world perfect parent responses rather than really think all round the subject. eebeew's post was wistful. Best wishes with it all.

no-one, but no-one here has not shown total sympathy with you and the children- no-one. We would all be devastated.

What we have said is that telling them that you will not forgive them, is just unforgivable. And ... if you actually 'encourage' your grand-daughter's feelings and tears- instead of making the whole thing positive, and encouraging her to see the whole experience as a wonderful opportunity- IF ... then you've totally lost me. I am saying so, because I've witnessed this with my own eyes divide and rule in the most objectionable and unfair way. IF ...

What I find is overlooked by a lot of the posters is the the hurt and psycological effect on the grandchildren of taking them away from their grandchildren. Our granddaughter is already saying she will not go and wants to stay with us. The heartache goes on.

When we emigrated to New Zealand in 1976, taking our 3 children away from their two widowed grandmothers and from their other relatives too, we did not think enough about the effects on them. In retrospect we both wish that they had expressed more of their feelings. I think if one of them had sat us down and really pointed out what the loss of extended family would mean, not just to them but to our children, it might have made a difference. I dont mean that we would have responded to the "We will never forgive you" threat, but a realistic talk would have helped.
Our children grew up without any relatives other than their parents and this I do regret. I also feel sad and sorry that we left the elderly grandmothers without much thought about how it would be for them. It was hard for us too with no family to help us out.
I dont agree with saying nothing and I wish we could have had that conversation. I
don't want to imply that we have not been happy in NZ. The children have grown up and they love it here.
Just want to give a different perspective and say that the stiff upper lip may not be the best way. We both wish we had had that discussion with our parents.

There should be a place online where all parents whose children have emigrated, or are thinking about going, can go to vent their feelings. All the unacceptable things we think and feel but can't say - the anger, pain and grief that we have to bottle up, because we know we have to put on a brave face and let our children go.

We all know that we have to let our kids fly free and live their own lives. If they've created a good life in another country, we're happy for them. However, that doesn't stop us grieving for what might have been, if they hadn't gone. If only there was somewhere we could let out the sorrow - and, yes, the hurt and disappointment - without being admonished. If I didn't have the computer skills of a chimpanzee, I'd set one up myself.

I understand your feelings! When my ds1 married in 2012 ,he told me he and his wife were off to Melbourne, and taking my only dgs with him Who was then only 4 yrs old She has a brother who had emigrated there years before.I was devastated! As his wife is very hostile to my hubby and i , and is the type who only wants her own family abt her.However despite what i felt i saved and gave them money towards the visa and helped them in every way i can..U even tried to distance myself from my beloved gs as im ill and cant travell all thst wsy to visit.My son went and at first we scaped and all that.But he gradually lost interast and we never saw them again or there 2 new ds that came after.To news if them i went on to face book.I did all i coukd to be a grt mum and nana.But afer he left uni.He wanted better things Were poor and ive been sick cro nically for over 23 yrs.What im saying is you do your best but you can never own your children.Boys in particukar are prone to evolve into their wifes family, and never look back.Ive two sons no daughters.Yourll fare better because your lucky enough to have s daughter.

BIG HUGS COMING YOUR WAY Grandman99!

Gardenman99 I know exactly how upset you are and I commiserate but....they are not going to the moon are they? My son went to the other side of the world so that he could step up another rung of the ladder....he is waiting now for the results of his PhD. He is a Snr bioinformatician. The Snr part being the reason he went to Australia, Perth to be exact. He and his new wife had a wonderful time and would have stayed on but they wanted to be close to her Mum in UK because they had just had their first child. They came back and now there are two little boys.

It is very hard I know to be so far away. Skype was the answer for us and it made all the difference over the 6 years they were there. At least you can see how they are and how the child is growing up even if you cannot hug them.

We were lucky, but if yours do not want to come back to UK you could always save up to go and visit (and vice versa). You could also have an adventure then. Saying you will never forgive them is not fair. They have their own lives to lead and I say give them a hug, wish them well and keep in touch. Be the best grandparents they could wish for and they will love you forever.

Wether you forgive them or not its their lives their choice if they want to emigrate, you should be supporting them! Good on them for making a better life for themselves. Think how lucky we are nowadays with the internet that grandparents can keep in contact via Skype. Be happy for them.
Your lucky you will still have contact with your grandchild theres some of us who sadly have no contact at all with our grandchildren through no fault of our own!

think about when you were the age of your daughter, and how you would have felt if your parents took the attitude that you have. Do you want your daughter to stay and resent you, or go and love you, and be forever grateful that you were generous enough not to try to influence the lives of her family. They have a lot of life to live. The world is a smaller place these days, travel is not difficult.

Well said BlueBelle.
It is one of life's eternal quandaries whether to stay close to family or to move away.
There is no right or wrong answer.

It's amazing how many of us on here have our children and grandchildren living overseas and although we all have heavy hearts over it we all know that children are not our POSSESSIONS I remember being told years ago that 'children are lent to us' Be proud they are confident and braved enough to try something different and if it fails then be there for them if they come back, WITHOUT the I told you so that is present in your voice in your post
Did you and your wife both live in your parents pockets all your life Gardenman and stay in the same area ? Is your daughter an only child as it sounds as if you have invested your whole life in her and live through her and her family, give them space to breathe, to explore, to make mistakes You don't mention your son in laws parents reaction that would be interesting to hear ?
You are saying you are a very close family but it sounds suffocating, miles between you doesn't take away closeness I think you are mistaking proximity for closeness
You must know by now your reaction was in the wrong but I don't think you will accept that you will believe we are all in the wrong and your family is different to ours You will be saying to yourself 'they don't understand they re not close like us '

Leurmamie you are so right I would be mortified if I thought any of my kids were sacrificing their life for mine I d put myself straight in a care home if they were saying they wouldn't go without me haha

Life is short Gardenman help your daughter fly the nest with your blessing stop being so stubborn and trying to run her life to suit you and your wife that is NOT how good parents should be

My eldest grandson will most likely be moving to Japan in a year's time when he has finished his degree. He has spent the past year at University in Tokyo and loves the place, also a lovely Japanese girl. My DD and SIL went out to visit him in August and met his lady friend, who is coming over here at Christmas. Although my DD and SIL will miss him desperately they only want his happiness and he will go with their blessing. They have every reason to be proud that they have given him the wings to fly.

gardenman,I understand your reaction as I felt the same when our daughter and son-in-law announced their intention to move to Canada (they have not gone yet), especially as we live in the same town and see our 2 grandchildren several times a week. But DD says she doesn't really want to go unless we come too! At first I thought it was because she and the children would miss us but the real reason is that she is concerned about us getting elderly and having no-one nearby to look after us. Very sweet, but I've said we have no wish to up sticks at our age but she must go, especially as her hubby is sure of a good job over there. And of course there will be visits. As many are saying, it is THEIR life, their choices. Sometimes other people's choices make us very sad indeed.

I can't believe I am reading this. Yes it is hard to deal with. I have 4 youngsters. 2 of them live abroad. You know what, see it has an opportunity to travel. It's not that expensive. The world is a very small place today. We have Skype, email, Face-time and so on as well as flight.

It costs my husband and I £20-00 a week which we put away to go out and see our daughter and son in law every other year. They live in Canada. My other son is in New Zealand. Same cost for him. Shop around. Economy tickets are so cheap now.

We bring our children into the world and help them fly. They have the freedoms and choices we didn't have. They will only resent you if they stay and you will have damaged your relationship with them even if you don't see it.

Our children are through us, not of us. Also is there any reason why you couldn't go too?How would you of felt if your parents had said that to you.

Even if it doesn't work for them they have to find that out themselves. If they dont go because they feel obliged to stay they will always live on what if.

My personal thoughts are to apologise to your daughter for what you said. Just say it was a shock and whilst you will be hurt and sad if they go you understand it is there life. More chance they may change there minds if you say that. Blackmailing a person means they are more likely to try and do it and be damned. This way you wont have damaged your relationship, whether they go or not.

You see your family everyday means to me you live through them from what your saying. That isn't healthy for you either. We can not rely on others to make us happy

SusieB50- DH's parents left all their family back in South Africa in 1948 - pushed away be the dreaded effects of wicked apartheid. The family was never re-united and a big rift grew. We are now in contact with the next generation in CT- and will be going there to meet them all in November. Time to mend the past.

Well I've looked in the dictionary and heavy handed means harsh.

Thanks to those who supported me when i said heavy handed. i couldn't believe that they thought it meant physically abusive.
Actually threatening your children that you will never forgive them is typical heavy handed behaviour.

It's very sad that your grandchildren will be so far away. It will be hard for you to adjust. My own grandchildren live in America but have always done so, so it's something I'm used to.

It's also sad that you've reacted this way. You should apologise and quickly.

We can't live our lives for other people, which is what you want your daughter & family to do. After all, though it's not a nice thing to dwell on, in the natural order of things you will (hopefully) die before any of them. Then what? You leave behind a family who had the opportunity to change their lives, hopefully for the better, but your selfishness stopped them. Do you want their memory of you to be tainted because you held them back?

Let them live their life. Save up and visit Canada - what a fabulous holiday destination! Look forward to weekly chats online.

Although, of course, you will miss them with all your heart, in time you will adjust and be glad you gave your blessing.

My mum left all her family in S Africa to marry my UK dad in 1949 . My grandparents were probably devastated but never said a word to my mum .No internet or planes in those days only a two week trip by sea. Her parents weren't even at her wedding as her father couldn't leave his GP practice . My mum always sent to my grandparents little black and white snaps of us all enclosed in the monthly letters to them . I only saw my maternal grandparents once before they sadly died when I was 5 . Nowadays everyone is so much more able to keep in touch and visit easily. Yes I would be devasted if my DD or DS and families went abroad ,but they would never know and I would see them off with a happy face but crying inside as I'm sure my grandparents did in 1949.

Gardenman99, Whatever your pain at her decision it IS her decision. You will just have to try hard to be positive and organise your 4 weeks a year family holiday near her!
You are very fortunate that you are still in good health and have the physical stamina, time, and financial resources to visit.
Tell her you're sorry, that it was a shock, and don't let her love for her own family come between you.
My son is in the USA and though no children as yet, my daughter, her husband and 3 children are about to move abroad now too (early Jan)...
Lots of us here have had to deal with these issues. Put a smile on, and enjoy her and her little family before they leave!

I agree with others who advise you to say how shocked you were (did you have no idea at all if you're that close?) and, of course, although you will miss them all they go with your blessing and you can't wait to visit them.
A few years ago our DD1 said she and her DH and 4 DGC who lived nearby were thinking of emigrating to Canada-that was a shock! DD2 was single then and just about to finish Uni so said she would go with them too!
So. . . . We checked it out and we could go too so we could have ended up all going! But, as it turned out, they didn't go but we made it clear they had our blessing (although in private we were heartbroken).
Do whatever it takes to keep close IMHO

Of course I would feel similar, but as a parent you keep those feelings firmly to yourself.

Great post LewLew . It is to be hoped that you have now had time to reflect that you apologise for the appalling emotional blackmail and let them go with your blessings.

Lovely post Lewlew.