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Daughter said they are going to emigrate!!!

(187 Posts)
Gardenman99 Tue 04-Oct-16 19:14:37

Our daughter told my wife and I today that she/son-in-law and our two wonderful grandchildren are planning to move to Canada to live. We have told her we would never forgive her and our son-in-law if they took our grandchildren away from us.How would you feel.

SueDonim Tue 04-Oct-16 19:20:59

Well, that's a great way to keep the family together, by threatening them! My son, his wife and children live in America. My other son & family live 500 miles away from us in the UK.

Obviously I'd like them to be closer but we raised our children to have wings so we can hardly complain when they use those wings to fly. We manage to see them all and are close as a family despite the distances.

Jalima Tue 04-Oct-16 19:25:40


willsmadnan Tue 04-Oct-16 19:29:42

I would feel happy that they were about to make a wonderful new life for themselves in a beautiful country. Your sentence..'We have told her we will never forgive her...' is chilling. What they do as a family is nothing to do with you. You surrendered your right to dictate to your daughter the day she got married. Had you not realised that? You sound dreadfully Victorian.

granjura Tue 04-Oct-16 19:34:05

what wills said - your attitude is very sad and selfish sad

tanith Tue 04-Oct-16 19:40:34

What a shame you said that to your daughter, how on earth do you think you've made her feel? I have a son who lives abroad and I've cried buckets that his little family are so far away and I only see them occasionally but he will never know that because I slap on a smile and a happy voice and tell him how proud of him I am and how glad that he is so settle in his new life.
We raise them hoping they'll fly, you really can't clip her wings for your own selfish reasons however hard that is.

morethan2 Tue 04-Oct-16 19:42:34

I'd cry and bawl my eyes out, I'd be heartbroken, devastated, but I'd never ever let them know. I'd let them go.

Jalima Tue 04-Oct-16 19:46:42

I would feel that I have to start a savings account to save for air fares to visit them.

If they still want you to visit, of course, after what you said. They may not.

Stansgran Tue 04-Oct-16 19:51:13

We give them roots and wings. We must let them fly. When she got married did you not hear the bit about husband and wife being a family .

grannyactivist Tue 04-Oct-16 19:56:30

Hello and welcome to Gransnet gardenman99. smile

I understand your shock and therefore your emotional response to your daughter's announcement, but the decisions of our adult children are theirs and theirs alone. Canada has Skype and FaceTime so contact of sorts can be maintained and if you keep channels of communication open there will no doubt be visits and phone calls too. It may be hard to let them go because you will miss them, but I have no doubt that their reasons for moving are well thought out and they will believe it to be in their family's best interests. I expect the downside of the move for them will be missing you - try to look at the positive's for your daughter and her family and find it in your heart to put them first.

I speak from experience, my daughter emigrated to New Zealand four years ago and has since had a new granddaughter that my husband will be meeting for the first time next year for her 2nd birthday.

BlueBelle Tue 04-Oct-16 19:59:39

Blimey that's a terrible reaction you don't OWN your children and grandchildren your job is to let them live their lives as they see fit and honour their decisions My son emigrated to NZ 20 years ago, has a lovely wife, two children and a brilliant life how could I not be happy for him, although like others have said you are devasted inside I only see them every few years youngest daughter and family are in Europe and I see them a couple of times a year ... but again it's their decisions not mine
You have hopefully brought your daughter up to be confident to make her own mind up about where she wants to live. Sad but get over it save up and visit and be very very glad for their new life
Maybe your daughter 'will never forgive you' for trying so selfishly to stifle her she's not your prisoner

obieone Tue 04-Oct-16 20:00:32

Is this your first post on here op?

Bbnan Tue 04-Oct-16 20:03:08

Have just returned from Canada and despite how we feel we are so happy to see the wonderful life our son his wife and our only grandaughter have in this fantastic country.
It truly is a place of beauty with great oppourtunties and a great place to bring up children. They FaceTime once a week for an hour and it's as good as a visit.....we have had 4 holidays for up to 3 weeks at a time since grandaughter arrived 14 months ago. They work hard and could never have here what they have there. Truly it is a fantastic place to visit...if they decide to go you must help them all you would be a great place to retire to.

Greyduster Tue 04-Oct-16 20:03:31

I would be devastated - we only have one grandchild and we adore him beyond all reason, but I seriously hope that I would never say anything like that to my daughter and her partner. They have a right to make the best life for themselves and their children wherever that might be. I am sure you realise, with hindsight, what a hurtful statement that was and will ask for their forgiveness. I sincerely hope that you get it.

Caretaker Tue 04-Oct-16 20:05:22

Good parents give everything they have to their children and when grandchildren come along the bond becomes even closer. For one of our children to in effect break that bond is a very selfish thing to do. Some older folk could not care less what their children or grandchildren do or where they go. However those in a close loving family like yours sound like then I can understand why you feel so hurt.

annodomini Tue 04-Oct-16 20:08:20

What a selfish response, gardenman. I wonder what you expected from us when you wrote the OP. Were you trying to stir up a hornet's nest? If you were, you failed completely. We grans have this in common: we bring our children up to make their own decisions and we abide by these even if we privately regret them. My very dear GD told me that she and her partner might emigrate when he finishes his studies. I told her that if they did, she should expect me to visit them. After your response to your daughter, I suspect she won't be too keen to welcome you to their new home.

Christinefrance Tue 04-Oct-16 20:15:04

Do hope that was just a knee jerk response and you have put things right now. Your children need to find their own way, as everyone said it's the parents job to help them become independent and let them go.
My daughter moved to America and a wonderful life, please put their happiness before your own.

Swanny Tue 04-Oct-16 20:26:50

gardenman99 I suspect your reaction was an immediate gut instinct of 'Oh No!' when they told you. Yes you will miss them all and I'm sure they will miss you too. Obviously I don't know where you and they currently live - do you see them every day? I have a dear friend who lives in Hampshire whose son and family moved to Aberdeen for his work. They are only able to visit a couple of times a year but make frequent use of Skype and email etc. Canada is no further away than the next street via the internet.

As many other posters have said we bring up our children to have confidence to make the right decisions for themselves. Be pleased for them and explain your words were expressed on the spur of the moment. Give them your blessing and help them make plans - if they'll let you smile

Ginny42 Tue 04-Oct-16 20:51:29

I can imagine the announcement was a terrible shock and they had probably been very worried about how you would respond. I was devasted too, but my daughter is only approximately five hours away and flights are affordable. If you will struggle to find the fares, then I sympathise. Change and loss are very hard to cope with, but they are looking to the future; what they see as a good and happy life, so we have to wish them well and let them know we'll love them whatever they choose.

Please consider putting things right now, before another minute of this awful standoff is allowed to destroy the relationship. They know you're hurting, but an apology will go a long way to restoring calm. Do it for your daughter and those two lovely grandchildren, but most of all do it for your own peace and wellbeing.

trisher Tue 04-Oct-16 20:57:10

There are families who live only streets away from each other and aren't close because they have fallen out or don't get on. There are families who live thousands of miles apart and are incredibly close. It isn't just a question of distance. You will of course miss them all but if you let them go with your blessing and good wishes you will keep them close, if they stay because you have put emotional pressure on them you may well lose them completely.

Jane10 Tue 04-Oct-16 21:17:29

I can quite understand the OPs reaction. I'd like to think I would do all the selfless stuff the others posters said but I reckon I would never manage to be so tactful and selfless. I'm just being honest here. I'm human and not perfect!

Ana Tue 04-Oct-16 21:21:58

I'd find it very hard to hide my feelings as well. But I certainly wouldn't say I'd never forgive them!

Cherrytree59 Tue 04-Oct-16 21:26:47

gardenman has posted before.

gardenman please speak to your DD ASAP.
Tell her you are sorry it was just a shock you didn't mean what you said.
Otherwise you may cause a break your lovely family.
Wish them well
And as others have said
start planning your visit.
You will be able to skpe every day.
Good luck

absent Tue 04-Oct-16 21:35:23

When absentdaughter flew off to New Zealand at the tender age of 17, ostensibly for a three-month visit, I knew that she would never return to the UK. I flew out to celebrate her wedding and was there when my first grandson was born. She flew to England with him to meet his great grandmothers, both of whom are now dead. I wasn't there during her divorce, for the births of the second, third and fourth children nor her new marriage, although we were always in touch and very close, apart from geographically. I visited for three months when the first two grandchildren were three and two years old. I didn't meet the second two until they were two and three when absentdaughter, son-in-law and the two younger ones came to England. I was there when number five was born.

We remained in constant loving touch throughout these hard separate years and grew ever closer. So close that we simultaneously developed a technique for goodbyes at the airport because we both found them so agonisingly painful and wanted to spare each other. Of course, it never really worked and I have sobbed my way from Nelson to Auckland and sniffed sadly in the international departure lounge too many times to count.

Now, it isn't "there" but "here" because I emigrated to New Zealand three years ago in plenty of time for the birth of number six. Our geographical separation drove no barriers between absentdaughter, son-in-law and grandchildren and me. Rather, they fired our determination to be together as much as possible – and we are!

Gardenman99 Tue 04-Oct-16 21:38:52

The reasons given by our daughter and son in law was because of brexit, if we had stayed in the EU then they would not be going. We see them nearly every day love them more than words can say. We know friends who have gone abroad only to come back some years later a lot worse off because they used to own a house but now can not afford to buy so have to rent. Follow me follow me I will show you the promise land, I say look down you may well be standing on it.