Daughter said they are going to emigrate!!!

My DM says things like that when I talk about moving to the next village despite the fact that as a child she lived abroad whilst I was at boarding school! She would definitely have the same reaction as you if I told her I was moving to Canada. Do I feel closer to her or get a warm fuzzy feeling when she says such things? Absolutely not! It just makes me think how blooming selfish she is.
Whilst I don't necessarily understand your DD's reaction to Brexit, I do think she has the right to live her own life, plan for her own family's happiness, etc., just like you had the chance to do when you were younger.
There is always the chance she won't be able to move to Canada as they have quite stiff immigration controls and even if she does, the cold may be more than she can stand when she gets there.

Unless I've missed it nobody has spoken for the children. I spent my childhood and teens travelling and I missed ny grandmother so much. Every time we left the UK the sense of loss and sadness was maximised again although it never completely left me. We shouldn't forget that the children are part of this equation, it's not simply grandparents missing the grandchildren but can be the other way around. I am not unique - some children find it very hard to adjust. It's not all the promised land for everyone.

Gardenman99
Take a deep breath and consider that there are 6 pages of comments mostly all in support of your daughter's family emigrating and hoping you can find the strength to accept it and not be afraid of loss of love or loyalty.

Six pages of posts cannot all be wrong. Adjusting attitudes late in life is hard. We have had to do it many times whilst living right here with our grown offspring going through all kinds of issues, but which come right in the end.

Set your daughter and family free and put on a brave face. And consider this, they may decide that emigrating may not be the only option. Perhaps they are having a gut reaction as well and could re-assess things as the Brexit process (it's a process not an event) rolls on.

Open minds on all sides will make a much happier family situation. Our children and grandchildren are not our property. They are a family with their own hopes and dreams. Just like you would had in your younger years. Your children are not a reward or a prize to be owned, they are people who need love and support.

Get that passport... and do some interim travelling to get the hang of it if you have been stay-at-home retirees. There are lots of opportunities to widen your horizons... starting right now!

DD and her husband wanted to emigrate to Australia when GS1 was only a toddler. They went into it quite seriously and I was quite appalled, especially at the thought of losing GS1. I made sure that I never said anything against the idea and did my best to sound enthusiastic. In the end, for one reason or another, it all fell through thank goodness. But if they had gone we would have had to make it work somehow.

Gardenman I was you daughter 50 years ago when my husband and I decided to take our two little girls and move to Australia. My lovely mother was heartbroken but she never let on at the time. She acted enthusiastic about our new life but was crying inside. Bearing in mind this was 1966 and there were no such things as skype or internet. To be able to speak to each other on Christmas day the call had to be booked two months before and wasnt cheap. Mum was able to visit just as I had son number 2. But we realised that we could make as good a life in England so returned after 3 years. My mum and I each wrote two airletters a week so over 300 in that time. How much easier life is now. What I am trying to say is apologise to your daughter and wish them the best. Canada is not the other side of the world and with the internet etc they will not be cut off from you. I am assuming that your grandchildren are young at the moment because as they grow up they will gradually distance themselves and want to live their own life.

So apologise and starting planning that holiday in Canada which I am doing at the moment although I dont know anyone out there.

My sister said something similar to her only daughter when she was moving abroad.she moved abroad and returned a year later but it is now more than 4 years since they have had any contact.Both of them are stubborn.
After the brexit vote I actually said to my only daughter I could understand if she wanted to move abroad.she lives locally and has her own little family and we see them most days.We are very close too and love them all so much.If she wanted to go we would be devastated but would support her decision.
I had a friend whose daughter lived abroad.we sat and worked out that her daughter visited for 3 weeks at a time and she saw more of her daughter than I did mine.
I would think hard about your reasons for not wanting her to go.And be honest with yourself

All my children and grandchildren live abroad. It isn't easy but we Skype, whatsapp etc and visit when we can or they come here. They have to live their lives as best they can, not for you.

You should read my earlier thread about my DD, SIL and DGS possibly going to Canada because of Brexit. My SIL is Canadian and has his family in Canada.

I was never negative to them about them going, even though it broke my heart at the thought of my only GS going abroad.

To date, we are in the process moving back to London where they live in the hope that our closer presence will persuade them not to up sticks. However, if they go we will have to give them our blessing, even though we will be very sad.

I think your response should be not that you will never forgive her/them, it should be that you are very sad to see them go but you understand their motives and wish them all the best in their new life. Who knows, they may find that it's not so great to live so far from their family and they might come back. In the meantime, you can visit for long periods (even if you have to rent a place nearby) and skype.

I understand how hurt you must be feeling, but young people look forward and don't have the nostalgia for the closeness of their parents. They're too busy bringing up their own families and working.

Perhaps your general attitude was one reason why they are going. However it will give you a wonderful reason to have some glorious holidays.

I hope that was a knee jerk comment you made to your daughter as you were shocked. I'm one of those grans who's daughter and family decided to emigrate to Australia 6 years ago. It was heartbreaking and like many others I cried many tears and broke my heart ( but did it all behind closed doors). I've been out to visit three times for a month at a time and spent last Christmas there.There life and home, with a swimming pool is way beyond what they could achieve here. I see how happy they are,so I'm happy for them.Im happily saving/ planning my next visit.

Our daughter went to New Zealand almost 4 years ago. She has made her life there & has met a lovely kiwi & they have been together for most of the time she has been there. We miss her dearly but skype every week. We have been out twice & have had wonderful holidays in NZ. It is a pity it is so far away as travel is mind numbing!
We would be delighted if we only had to travel to Canada!!!
Wish them every happiness & let them go, look forward to the wonderful adventures ahead of you all. x

Oddoneout- everyone here totally gets the sadness about the family moving away. This we all absolutely understand and sympathise with.

What most of us refuse to support, is threatening them with 'never forgiving them'.

I went to live in London (from SWitzerland) when just aged 19- for 6 months. But stayed nearly 40 years. In those days, London seemed so far away, no internet, couldn't afford to phone or fly home regularly (I did the journey from Staffs and Leics with 2 small children, pre Eurostar- and it was a horrendous journey).

My parents NEVER EVER made me feel bad about it, never complained or blamed- even when they got too old too come and visit. They always said that to know I was happy with a wonderful man was so much more important and made them happy.
I massively respected them for that and made even more effort to visit them and to have them stay (they came for 2 weeks every Christmas as we could never have more than a few days off during festvities). Many of my (foreign) friends in the UK had parents who made them feel terrible all the time with the massive guilt trip.

If your parents had said there's no way you could marry your wife because they were not keen on her and if you did they didn't want to know you anymore - would you have taken notice ? How about the jobs you took, or the homes you had ? She is an adult, who has responsibility of children, they obviously feel life will be better for them (as a family ) by moving. Yes it could be a mistake - but that's theirs decision to make.

Not so long ago my younger daughter, son in law and the four beloved grandchildren looked seriously at going to New Zealand to live. Of course I was devastated, BUT...I did my crying in private and whenever it was spoken of I listened and asked what I hope were the right sort of positive questions, whilst smiling and being encouraging. Particularly in front of the little ones, who were expressing a certain amount of trepidation at the thought of leaving their wider family behind and who were touchingly concerned about how I would fare without them close at hand.

In the end, they didn't go and when my daughter told me that they were not going (for now at least) I said that I was delighted that they are going to be here for longer...never ever would I tell them how much I'd wept over it.

I understand how painful hearing that sort of news is for grandparents...I adore my grandchildren, not to mention my daughter and her husband, but I'd never forgive myself if I 'guilt tripped' them into giving up an opportunity which they clearly saw as a wonderful thing for them, as a family. Saying goodbye would be heartbbreaking, but as so many posters have said, there is Skype and messaging and all sorts of ways to keep in touch these days.

Just last week, my middle son said that there is a physiotherapy position going in New Zealand, but that he didnt know how I would feel if he and his wife and children moved there. I said that I'd miss them like crazy of course, but I'd be thrilled for them if they went and had a wonderful, happy life there.

My family are my life, but that doesn't give me the right to be selfish about their choices. They don't owe me their futures.

I sympathise entirely with Gardenman99 and think saying "your adult children's decisions are theirs alone" misses the point.
The decision to migrate implies that the loss of close family contact with grandparents is not as important to them as it is to the grandparents. Which it isn't when you have a whole new life ahead of you.
For grandparents it is a loss that can't be overcome by a new life or other relationships so it is an unhappy change for them.
I know- I did it to my mother and she never forgave me !

Thank goodness for the internet. At least you can see photos and videos and have up to the minute news of them. My son's family moved 8000 miles away and it was very hard at first but it does get easier. Losing daily contact with our beloved grandsons was really painful and I cried for weeks but not in front of them. They will all need your support as it will be a big step for them. During the preparations you will come to terms with the situation and by the time they go you will be ready. Don't make it any harder. Be proud of their sense of adventure and enthusiasm and try to be positive in front of the children. There's a big world out there and they will get to see it!

Well,I think many people have been really hard onGardenman. I'm sure he came on here hoping for some support as he is really devasted by their decision to emigrate. Yes, what he said was unfortunate, but none of us know the people involved, who are, he says, very close, so maybe they have made allowances for his outburst. I'm sure he doesn't really mean it. I have a friend who cried herself to sleep for weeks as her son and family were emigrating to Australia. However, they Skype regularly, made several long trips to visit, and now after 5 years the family has returned to the uk after all. Give him a break, he will still be upset but I'm sure he will come round and if his daughter is understanding no long term damage will be done!

Well my son .daughter in law&2chidren moved to Australia 8yrs ago.broke my heart but waved them off with love.going on our 5th brill 7wk trip there too then stop off in Dubai to see daughter/son in law...oh gardenman dont deny them the chance of a good life....?

None of which excuses you for saying you'd never forgive them. Perhaps they will never forgive you.

If my DD wanted to emigrate i would wish her well and hope that it all turned out fantastic for them, I would be heartbroken to not see my GD everyday, But as i came to England from just over the boarder i know my parents were more involved with my children,(by Fax and phone, way before Skype)Than my DHs parents who lived in the same street.

Yes, life is a gamble but preferable to try a new life than always wonder how it might have been. It may open up your world to be able to visit your family abroad. My daughter lived in USA for 10 years and I had some wonderful visits, met her friends and was, in fact, a bit sorry when she returned here after my DH's illness. She is now a few months from qualifying as a nurse, has a great partner and fulfilling life. I am so glad she had that experience with our blessing.

3 sons in the US and Hong Kong together with wives and children
2 left 15/17 years ago and 3 years ago, the 3rd left for Hong Kong
I live alone and find it tough sometimes. But they are not mine to constrain and shackle to me or the UK. One's life must not depend upon others

They have wonderful lives and I am welcome to stay for long breaks with all of them
I have retired recently with little pension and whenever they can, my flights are funded by them

I count my blessings that they want to have me to stay for extended periods. Had I made my devastation felt at their leaving this might not happen. I feel your pain Gardenman, but it will it will diminish and what a beautiful country to visit to see them .

I don't think you meant it to be unkind.you were just upset and it came out wrong.
You may need to apologise and wish them well with there new adventure. You can still have a relationship with your grandchildren Skype is fun.

Oh dear, we'd all prob think that but not say it. My M.IL did that and was hysterical every time we mentioned moving, and we were only going a couple of hours away for work. We raise our children to be independent. And publicly rejoice when we succeed. You may find you actually see more of them because you will call, Skype, and save for visits. You can be in the next street and not see family if you fall out. Apologise now please for your own sake and wish them well . We couldn't face visits to M.I.L for ages cos we didn't want kids to see her hysterics.

A friend who has been widowed for many years said to me today that we just never expected our children would be able to up and move to another country. Both her children live abroad, Japan and Ireland and even though Ireland is nowhere near as far as Japan, visiting both her children requires the same process of buying flights and airport parking and sometimes arranging accommodation in advance. No flexibility or spontaneity.

In our days it just wasn't possible to live and work abroad because of necessity/difficulty of getting a work permit etc. Our children can go wherever they like, and they do. Sadly we must accept their decisions. At least we can keep in touch more easily than a few years ago and for that I am grateful.