Daughter said they are going to emigrate!!!

A couple of years ago my DD told me that her, her H and 2 DGD were filling out application forms to initiate emigrating to NZ. I was devastated, heartbroken and cried myself to sleep every night for weeks. I tried hard to be positive in front of her but we know each other too well and she could see right through me - I have been told many times "your face says it all" so no matter what I said she knew deep down I wouldn't want her to go as selfish as that was. I do remember saying I could never have left my parents (I was an only child) and regretted it instantly but I voiced to a friend I'd rather they split up and stay here than them emigrate. Well, that ' wish' came true they're now divorced. I did learn afterwards that the decision to emigrate was the last ditch attempt to save their marriage, I also know now that it would have happened wherever they lived so it has been far easier for DH and I to help her and the DGDs financially, emotionally and practically in the same town in the UK - I feel vindicated to some degree especially when DD says she's glad she didn't go and doesn't know what she'd do without us so give the OP a break, I'm sure he will have time to contemplate his words/actions.

Dreamed of .....

I would support them in their proposed move and look forward to the opportunity to visit.

I can understand how you must feel Gardenman99. Our daughter and 2 DGS live close to us and I would be devastated. As it is Brexit based might they change their minds. If not I would making enquiries about whether we could follow them. Please don't say anything that could damage your obviously close relationship

I have every sympathy for the OP. Of course it was the wrong response but we are only human. Shock and pain make us blurt out our deepest feelings sometimes, instead of the measured response we know we ought to give.

Our eldest DD and her husband emigrated to the US in August 2014. That means we haven't seen them or their 4 kids (except on Skype, of course) for more than two years. I miss them more than I can say. It is a sadness that never goes away, but you learn to live with it.

In some ways, the months prior to their leaving were worse than when they had actually gone. At first, it looked as if they were going to Europe, as our SiL had been offered jobs in Sweden and Germany. That would have been bad enough, but then he got a very good offer from the US. Throughout all this, and the long process of getting visas, I had to maintain a smiling face, listen to their problems and offer encouraging remarks. All the time, my heart was breaking. I used to turn to my other DD for comfort, which was hard on her but I had to have a shoulder to cry on. My DH wasn't much use, as he just said "Well, they're going. Nothing we can do about it."

We were on holiday when she rang to said they'd got their visas. I congratulated her, rang off and burst into tears, right there in the middle of a seaside crowd. At first, there was some talk of them coming home after three years, but I knew they never would. Now they have bought a house, they have their green cards and they have a whole new life out there. It is a good life and they are all very happy, including the kids. They know we miss them and they miss us, but for them it is an adventure. It's much harder for those left behind.

Bear up, Gardenman99. It hurts, it's awful, but you've got to support them. If you don't, you'll lose them completely. I'm sure they understand that you are hurting but, if they really want to go, they're going anyway. Plaster on a fake smile, be as helpful as you can (we ended up having to clear and sell their house!) and start saving for a visit. We're hoping - fingers crossed! - to go next year.

Also, I found that large spoonfuls of peanut butter were very comforting at times when I was feeling very low...

We were the ones who emigrated and left the children and grandchild back in the U.K. and we're definitely not moving back there. We see them about once a year when they fly over to visit us. They live in London and it would be difficult for them to work in their specialist fields in many other places so I can't see them moving in the short term, but if they wanted to go somewhere else, that's their choice and is fine with us. Obviously, we miss them but our lives don't revolve around our children and we're still young enough to want to enjoy our retirement.

OP, you don't own your children and if you try to control them with threats over support, money etc. you will be the losers. How does your wife feel about your nasty comment?

My dad was similarly unpleasant to my older sister many about years ago and despite them making up, she never really forgave him and always kept him and mum at a distance compared to her in-laws. My poor mum was piggy in the middle and suffered because of his stupid arrogance.

I hope you don't live to regret your childish threat.

Gardenman99 you will be so pleased when you realise what opportunites your grandchildren will have which they might not have had if they stayed here.

You will enjoy visiting them and having good family time. You will have regular Skype sessions and it is likely that your grandchildren will keep these up when they group if they have enjoyed them.

Even Grand children grow up and move away. You may find that over the long run, you will be emotionally closer for the contacts you will set up to resolve the problem of the distance.

I'm sure it will work out.

I can comment from both sides of the coin, as I have said my son has been in NZ 20 years, my youngest daughter in Europe 15 years Do you imagine I ve never shed any tears, a single mum who brought three children up into a loving home with lots of sacrifices, you are not the only family to be close
When I was 20 I met the man of my dreams ( it didn't end up that way) and he was being moved through his profession to Malaysia, I was a much loved only child with a beloved and close widowed Nan who I often stayed with we were all very close both geographically and emotionally .... I now as an older person can imagine the fear and distress they must have gone through when I packed my bags to move to the other side of the world Bearing in mind there was no internet, no Skype, we didn't even have a telephone and airmail letters took a week or more to arrive. My parents and even Nan were very upset but they were supportive they helped me buy things and book tickets etc they took me to the airport and waved me off before catching the coach back home I can now only imagine the tears they must have shed on the way back
Gardenman I think people on here are horrified by your blanket, no neogotiation type of conversation you had with your daughter. I think everyone can feel empathy none of us want to miss out on our children and grandchildrens lives BUT we have absolutely no right to say 'I ll never speak to you again if you go' that is looking for trouble and is selfish To truely love someone means allowing them freedom to choose their life However close you think you are you cannot lock them anywhere except your heart
They are not birds to be kept locked in a gilded cage for your benefit, when you truely love someone, you set them free if that's what they want and need

Give them your blessing who knows they might even change their minds

How would I feel? Envious, as I did when DD, SiL, DG told me a year ago they were moving to the USA. I miss them terribly of course but we keep in touch through Whatsapp, FaceTime, I've visited them and they've holidayed back here. Naturally I wish they were nearby but I'm proud of them for grabbing the opportunity to expand their horizons and for coping so well with this big change in their lives.
Your routine will be very different once they're gone but you'll get used to it. I hope they'll forgive your knee jerk reaction and one day you'll all laugh at how shocked you and your wife were. In the long run they know what's best for them, better to go with the flow and wish them well. Oh, and whatever happens don't ever say "I told you so"!

Please make your peace with your DD Gardenman99 or you will live to regret it for the rest of your life. Explain it was just the shock of hearing about the move & discuss everything regarding the move.

I left my 1st H for another man, this caused a rift with my parents but DM made contact & encouraged by my OH we made up, DF was more difficult but we eventually put it all behind us, so glad we did because within about 6 weeks DF had a fatal Heart Attack.

I later had my DD but following the breakup of my 2nd Marriage I met my 3rd DH & moved 250 miles away from DM & Step-Father taking my 9 year old DD away from her DGPs. It was difficult on both sides although I was still in UK. We made efforts to have holidays with GPs in Yorkshire & they came to visit us in Middlesex (Surrey). DD used to go up in school holidays (we used to meet half way).

My life could have been so different if we hadn't healed the rift. It is hard for me now I am widowed & living in Devon near DD, her OH & DGS. My DM is still in Yorkshire & I can no longer drive up there but make the journey once a year by train & DD goes up in the summer, not ideal as DM is nearly 88, luckily still independent

Let them spread their wings with your blessing & shed your tears in private

I really feel for you. I would be heartbroken if my DD and family moved abroad, and I know it is a possibility. But, when our daughters were in their twenties we moved away from the UK to France (not a million miles away, I know) and both daughters were very supportive of our decision. I would put a brave face on it if it happened and hope for Skype contact, emails and the occasional visit. As others have said, your daughter is an adult and needs to make her own choices.

I know how you feel, I miss my grandchildren very much and would love it if they came back here to live. A piece of my family is missing and I feel it most at family get-togethers. I really feel for you.

How wonderful your family have the opportunity to emigrate. A chance of a lifetime for the children too. Our own relatives are scattered throughout the world and it has enriched everyone's lives with visits plus frequent contact via Skype. OP yes this is a shock and it is difficult, but we do not invest in children and then attempt to stifle them when things do not go to our own plan.

You have to Realise that as parents and grandparents you are not the centre of everyone else's universe. It is hard but it can be done. We did and are actually reaping rewards we never dated of. I wish you and your family well.

My laptop is doing it again. Twice in one day!

Heavy handed can be used figuratively, as I'm sure the OP knows. A heavy handed parent does not necessarily have to be physically violent.

Heavy handed can be used figuratively, as I'm sure the OP knows. A heavy handed parent does not necessarily have to be physically violent.

My son emigrated to Australia 4 years ago. He has visited a couple of times but I am now saving to visit him, which is a big thing for me as I am not a good traveller, but seeing my son and meeting his friends and his in-laws and seeing his home is very important to me. We are a close family too - my husband died when my kids were still at school so that made us closer. Luckily my daughter and her family live nearby but there is a gap in our lives left by my son. We speak twice a week on Skype,which helps a lot.
Gardenman I wish my son was in Canada - the flights are shorter and I know I wouldn't mind visiting quite as much .The 27 hour flight to Queensland is not for the fainthearted!
But please make it up with your daughter, tell her you wish she wasn't going but you want her to be happy. When I see my son's photos, he and his fiance out with their friends and having such a lovely life in the sunshine,I am happy for him. What is there here for him? Jobs are easy to lose, money is tight, our cities are full and dirty and frightening to a lot of people. The weather is appalling and our government is all over the place.
Be happy for your family, save your money to visit, install Skype, be with them all the way, and put yourself in their shoes. The only time I let my son see my cry was when I saw him off at the airport when he left, and he was crying too. It 's a big step for everyone but please .......do it together.
i wish you all the best as I do know how you feel right now.

Should read dd not dad

My dad and sil left to live in Switzerland 10 years ago and our fabulous 4 GC have all been born there. My dh and myself would crawl over broken glass to make sure we saw them often. Since I retired I go regularly, nearly every month. Prior to this it was as often as we could.
We would love them to be round the corner and see them every day, but this was their choice and I wouldn't let them know that we hated them being so far away. You smile, pin on your brightest smile and enjoy time together. When we're needed we go, no question.
Ok so Canada is further away but you can still fly there. The world is a very small place these days. Give them your blessing to emigrate and don't guilt trip them for their decision.

I very rarely feel moved to post on here. My approach is from the other side as my parents emigrated when I was twenty, newly married and with a baby of six weeks. To say I was devastated would be an understatement - I felt totally abandoned. However DF had been made redundant and with no hope of a job in England had tried several other countries (which I completely understood), finally ending up in USA. My DM was also devastated and torn in two but obviously stuck by him and went too. Over the years we had several lovely holidays with them and our closeness never wavered. I never reproached them for leaving nor ever told them how abandoned I felt and I trust that they never knew. DM in particular missed us and her family over here. We had no Skype in those days and had to make do with writing letters, recording cassette tapes and sending them to each other and phone calls every Christmas Day.
They enjoyed the American way of life and made many good lifelong friends and I would never have begrudged them that.
Time eases hurt but words can never be unsaid.
Give them your blessing whatever they decide

Margaret X

Thank you caretaker for your support.

I think you are very rude and insulting to suggest I am "heavy handed" How dare you, I was never smacked by my parents and I have never laid a finger on any of our children and would never do so. Just because your father did do not assume others are to the same brush. Disgusting.

Talking of which, many years ago when people were sent or went voluntarily to 'The Colonies' or as missionaries to far-flung places, their families would never have seen them again and letters would take weeks, if not months, to arrive.

No!!!
Don't let him go to Mars!

That's funny Jamila. My grandson (7) would love
to put himself down for a trip into space. He also asked if he could video chat with God so I think he has a lot to learn

I would never forgive them
I'm horrified at your attitude, I would be very upset if it happened to me but I would never let them know it.
It's their decision and their lives, not yours. Very selfish response op.