Daughter said they are going to emigrate!!!

What a selfish attitude!!

Unbelievably selfish. Your role as a parent is, surely, to act as a moral compass for them and allow them to lead their own lives. I struggle to believe that some of the Gransnetters live on the same planet as me.

Most Gransnetters are not in agreement with the OP though, Shortlegs although they may have put it much more kindly.

However, were any of the DC going on a one-way ticket to live on another planet (some young people have put their names down for Mars) I would be devastated and tell them they shouldn't go.

It is upsetting when children move away, please don't threaten them. You may loose them altogether. I supported wholeheartedly my son's move to Canada, I miss him and especially now he has a wife and daughters. He has always thanked me for my support in his move. A friend of mine wanted to go to Australia, her parents threatened cutting her off completely so she didn't go. Now has regrets and bitter resentments to her parents. Skype is great.

I understand your devastation, my own daughter lived in New Zealand for four years and had my first Granddaughter out there. With FaceTime/Skype I was able to develops a fantastic relationship with her. You will have your bad days when they are gone but be proud that you have given your daughter the life skills to be able to go to another country for however long she might be there. It does get easier.

Our son moved to Australia last year, with his wife and son, so I know how this feels. Sad to see them go so far away. We want him, and them, to be happy. We don't want to live our lives through them, or dictate their future; that is selfish and ultimately destructive. Did we want them close to us? Of course, but they must do what will make them happy and successful. Emotional blackmail is counterproductive because it is destructive. How resentful would they be if you tried, let alone succeeded, in preventing them from going? Wish them well and let them go. They are grown up and independent, not possessions to hoard.

My daughter has lived in California for 26 years, and we have had some wonderful holidays there. My elder son lives in Ukraine, and of course we worry. My younger son and family have lived in Dubai for 7 years. We miss them all, but they have a right to decide their own lives as many Grans have said. Skype and email are great, and I often think of the parents of GI brides after the war waving their daughters off and not seeing them for years, so we are lucky. The only problem now is that as we get older, and with health problems,the cost of insurance for travelling gets prohibitive so we are tending to rely more on their visits to us.

Our daughter lives in Australia with husband and three GC. We have had fab holidays with them (two or three months at a time). Of course I would love them to be closer, especially now my husband is ill so that we can't make the long journey. But we love them enough to want them all to have the best life possible.

Unbelievably selfish. Your role as a parent is, surely, to act as a moral compass for them and allow them to lead their own lives. I struggle to believe that some of the Gransnetters live on the same planet as me.

I agree with Jalima Jobs future may have a part in this. Is SIL a Canadian? If not, then career track must be having an influence, not just Brexit fears. It costs a lot to emigrate to Canada. A close friend did so as a new spouse and it was quite a process. But she is so happy with her new life and comes back to the UK for regular visits, and her son and daughter go to Quebec twice a year!

We moved back and forth between the US and UK twice ourselves. We go back every year. Until my dad died in 2006, I used to cherish every moment back there visiting with him on our annual trips. He had been quite a world traveller himself for business and totally encouraged us in whatever we chose for our home country. He even got a passport at age 86, two years after we came back in 2000, to come and visit! (Sadly he fell and broke his hip and had serious mobility problems that prevented it).

Get your passport, read up on the area they are relocating to...get excited for them and with them... and plan that trip now. Canada is a beautiful country, I lived in a state that bordered it. Autumn is absolutely glorious with scarlet maples... colours you only can see in photos and not appreciate until you really are there. Canadians are very friendly and the lifestyle is not as frantic as in the US.

If they were going to a 3rd world country for work? I'd be concerned. But Canada? Fantastic, you will love it!

My daughter has lived in several places in the USA for 20 years we have had some fantastic holidays out there. My son, daughter in law and 2 granddaughters moved the New Zealand about 10 years ago and now live in Australia. I miss them terribly but talk regularly on FaceTime. Their quality of life is much richer an it would be here, especially the girls education.

caretaker
i am on Gn because I have children and grandchildren. I also had a heavy handed father and recognise another one. My husband would never tell his daughter and son in law that he would never forgive them. We would never say that we would never forgive them for having a viewpoint different to oure.

You have no right to make assumptions about my life just because I am not sentimental and possessive about my family. Parents in law can be too close and I keep a respectful distance to my sons in law
I live abroad myself and know the costs of it I also know that some things in the Uk have changed so much that I would never go back to live there.
I wish the young family well but feel that just not liking Brexit is not enough reason to leave home.

Gardenman, I noticed in one of your posts there was a list of the many things you have done and still do for your daughter. Top of that list was money. I get the sense that the words ' after all we've done for you', are on the tip of your tongue. You can't buy your children's affection and respect and they 'owe' you nothing.

Gardenman we would all feel devasted and as you say you are a close family who help one another. Now is the time to help your daughter and family go happily. Maybe you are not a family who emigrate or take this sort of risk. But if they don't go because of your threat you have lost them anyway and may cause problems in their relationship.

Caretaker I think people do know how he feels but horrified by his threat which was said in grief.

Now with modern media it is easy to keep in touch, as well as talking and seeing my daughter and her family I even get to see the flowers. I planted in her garden and give advice on care. She has a new puppy and I suddenly realise I haven't actually seen him, just on FaceTime but I am waiting to see if he recognises my voice when I visit.

Finally they may not go or may not be accepted and you don't want the blame for that.

They are flouncing off due to Brexit
radicalnan
flouncing? perhaps their jobs depended on the EU, perhaps the firm is relocating them, it is over 3 months since Brexit, flouncing would be saying you were going as a reaction to the result, but this may be as a consequence of the result iyswim.

Perhaps they had thought about it before for some time and this helped them to make up their minds especially if there are opportunities in the job market over there.
It could be that it has been on the cards for some time but they were scared of telling gardenman because they knew what his likely reaction would be.

But I would not be going with you! I can't imagine being anything but English, living 'under an English heaven'.

How we feel is one thing. What we say to our beloved children is another.
In a nutshell Nelliemags!

You're bound to be upset gardenman, but you are the parent, you need to take a deep breath, apologise, say that the news came as a shock (had you really no inkling?) but that you will support them come what may, you love them and will miss them but will visit as soon as they are settled.

Perhaps we should start groups in our areas of grandparents and parents who have close ones living in far off shores.

Do you remember how far apart the world seemed in the 1970s, with Family Favourites on the radio every Sunday?
Iloved the song that was often played:
'Hands, hands across the sea'

Cath

If I had my time over I would emigrate as well either NZ or BC Canada so she's not alone in her thinking. Children have to make their own way in the world in the best way they know how and with modern communications it's possible to keep in touch daily if you wish. So don't be uncompromising in your attitude, afterall your daughter and SiL are not married to you and you have no legal rights to your G'children. So wish them well in their new venture and be happy for them. That way you will still have a family to enjoy no matter where they end up in the world. Our family is spread all over the globe but we still keep in contact.

Jane10 I think it is striking the balance between showing your devastation and saying you will never forgive them and the other extreme of not expressing how much you will miss them but you support them in whatever they do and look forward to visiting them and seeming not to care.
Visiting them in their new homes gives a great insight into their lives, you can picture them in their home as they chat on the phone. DD gave me a guided tour of her new place on FB as she walked around with her Mac! We did get to see it for real too, when we visited.

How would I feel? Devastated of course. My youngest child, a really loving, caring daughter was going to be over 12,000 miles away. I did what Jamila said, squirrelling away my money so that every holiday would be a visit to her and her growing family. I talk to her and the children and we message over the Internet about every day and I bring them over for a holiday as often as I can afford. Of course it is heartbreaking and we were a weeping mess two years ago at Heathrow when they set off home again after a three week stay. I have forgiven my son in law for stealing her away because he looks after her and my lovely grandchildren and they are a loving family. They are even buying a house, something they would never have been able to afford within 300 miles of where I live.
Why should our children be condemned to live within easy reach of where we decided they should be brought up.
How we feel is one thing. What we say to our beloved children is another. Canada is not even that far away these days.

'always have been on hand to help in so many ways, money / houses / holidays / outings' ...

you mentioned money and holidays, etc- I sincerely hope you will not putthe final nail in the coffin of your relationship by using this as 'blackmail'. I know several people who parents threatened to cut them off their will if they didn't 'tow the line' - and that was the final straw.

Most of the those who have replied have shown no insight as to how they would feel they have just been rude and taking the opertuinty to slag gardenman99.
caretaker On the contrary, I think there is a great deal of insight in all the posts from people who have experienced the same thing, smiled through their tears and thus have not caused a rift in their families which may never be healed.

absent I wonder if you have any other children left in the UK - that would be even more difficult as in that situation you feel torn in two.

I would be heartbroken if my children moved to another country but you can't stop them and sometimes they need to go where the jobs are and where they can make a good life for their children.

I can understand a kneejerk reaction of 'I will never forgive them' (I'd feel the same) but it will not necessarily get the response you want. If they are determined to go they will quarrel with you and resent you for making something that is already hard nigh on impossible. Also, being adamant will prevent your wife, the children's loving grandmother, from seeing her child and grandchildren.

You will have to be tactful and accept a decision which is clearly already made and unmoveable. It is better to channel your energies into planning visits and wonderful times together. You might find that you actually see the offspring for longer than hurried visits in this country allow you. Skype is a Godsend too as others who have children living abroad attest.

I truly sympathise even if this message seems hard. When my daughter told me that she and her BF would probably end up in Cambridge because of the science park job opportunities for her other half I was very miserable. We could move but it would mean leaving my DS instead. But we will have to work round it.

I hope it all gets sorted out but do not on any account quarrel with your daughter.

Can't believe how a loving, caring parent can say something so dreadful to their nearest and dearest. Sorry, but if I was the daughter in question, I would make and escape to a foreign country as soon as possible so that my young family does not become tainted by such negative and selfish people.

Back in 1981 my ex and I took our children to America to live. I realize, looking back, that we did not think of how my parents would feel about this. Maybe your daughter doesn't realize the affect on you as I didn't on my parents.

We stayed there three years and came home.