Daughter said they are going to emigrate!!!

I cannot think of anything that I would never forgive absentdaughter for doing – even something criminal – which I have to admit is extremely unlikely or, worse, abandoning me, which is even more unlikely. Unconditional love! Isn't that what parents do?

If she decided now to move to another country after all the struggle and expense Mr absent and I had to come to New Zealand, I would simply wish her well. I would miss her and my grandchildren like stink, but that's my issue, not hers.

BlueBell. I am not related to anyone on this site, my background is nursing and I have met all sorts from all backgrounds. However gardenman99 asked "how would you feel" . Most of the those who have replied have shown no insight as to how they would feel they have just been rude and taking the opertuinty to slag gardenman99.

Are original poster and caretaker related ?

Caretaker you say there is no evidence gardenman has been heavy handed well the evidence is right there is the opening post as he says it all himself. ' we will never forgive them if they take our wonderful grandchildren away from us'

HOWEVER much you hurt you CANNOT control your adult children's lives. They have to make their own lives and their own judgements and yes their own mistakes and as a parent of adults we are there to help if they need or ask for help and to pick up the pieces if necessary With so much distress you have decided they will fail before they even leave Rejoice for them, help them plan with your blessing

I rather think this is a knee jerk reaction on your behalf and has come as a heck of a shock you're hurting and in the middle of a huge black hole at the thought but you HAVE no choice work with them or the distance will be more than miles However if this is not a knee jerk reaction and you are just hugely controlling parents then your little family will be better off with the sea between you

Think about your words - would you really "never forgive" your daughter for wanting to give her family the chance of a better life? As others have said, you can still have a close relationship, even if not close geographically. You might think they are making the wrong decision, but did you agree with your parents about everything? They are intelligent adults, you should treat them as such.

Gardenman99, while I do agree with many of the comments on here I do feel some sympathy for you. You will be going through a grieving process, for the loss of your child and grandchildren but also for a future which will now not be as you had imagine. We also went through this. We actually followed our daughter and grandchildren to Australia after a period of 4 years and now they have actually moved to Zambia for a few years, so we are going through it again.

I expect that your daughter and son in law have thought long and hard about their decision. It is also hard for them to move away from friends and family but are obviously doing it to provide a better life for their own. You should be proud that you have brought up a strong independent child.
By all means explain to them that you are upset because you will miss them terribly but you need to mend this rift before they go. I doubt if you are going to change their minds by threatening to not forgive them. The only ones you will be hurting are yourselves. Give them your support and start planning some holidays to Canada. There are lots of tips on here about how to be long distance grandparents. If you cause a rift think about your grandchildren You will be denying them any chance of having any sort of relationship with you.

It doesn't matter on the reasons they decide to move. It is their choice alone.

I understand your concerns and disappointment but that is yours alone and shouldn't be a burden on them. Whether or not you think they'll succeed or come back worse off is not their issue either.

Best make things right, apologise (give no excuses!) and wish them all the best and start supporting them.

I know I would be devastated if my DS (when grown) decides to move but honestly he has a life to lead and that's on him! I need to own my own feelings and he should own his actions and life.

Read all the other comments caretaker - notice anything?
You are in a lonely minority in applauding gardenman's overreaction.
Other members have expressed sympathy and understanding for the sadness he is experiencing at the thought of his children and grandchildren going to Canada, but have also pointed out that they are free to make that decision. This is not the 19th century and they are not off to some distant planet for heaven's sake! I can relate in a way to his scenario though.
My sister, her husband and their 3 very young children (5,4,3) took that plunge in the 60's when flights to Canada were way beyond the reach of working people like my parents. They must have been devastated but knew that this move was the best thing they could have done at the time. From being a humble lab technician in the north of Scotland,( he had dropped out of university when they had their first unplanned baby, and there were no prospects for a young man without qualifications) , my sister's DH was able to study part time, eventually becoming a Professor of Marine Biology and a leading marine biologist advising the Canadian government.
Eventually they were able to afford the occasional visit "home" to Scotland, but only every. 3 years or so. To this day I can remember my stiff upper lipped parents fighting back the tears as we drove to Prestwick when they first left.
The world is much smaller now, we have Skype, emails, FaceTime etc and flights are much more affordable. What saddens me is that OP's principal grouse if that the DGC are being taken away from them. Stop and think.
Whose children are they??
My vote us with all hose who see this as a selfish and harsh response. Sadly also designed to produce exactly the opposite response OP would have wished for.

Sounds as if brexit was a gift of an excuse. I've had some serious ups and downs with my daughter but could never imagine saying i will never forgive you

Please give a bit of time for the dust to settle before speaking to her about it again.

I can understand how sad you must be; but you sound as though you think that their decision is a silly one and they are making a big mistake. If they are it is theirs to make.

I too would be broken-hearted initially, but I hope I would cover that up; and above all that I would respect their right to make that decision. It would be worse for us as I am a flying phobic and my OH cannot fly for health reasons - so count your blessings that you will be able to visit; and rejoice in the new technologies that will keep you in touch.

Tread gently - you do not want a rift far more worrying than physical distance.

Maregret X You sound like someone who doesn't have any children let-alone grandchildren. I think you are out of order to suggest gardenman99 has been heavy handed when you have no evidence to say that.

Why is Brexit to blame?

I can imagine that that is not the first time you have played the heavy handed father. But it may be the last!

At best you could apologise and say how you really feel, your daughter will know you must be upset. As to the son in law, you have no right to speak to him like that.
You have built your lives around two small children who don't belong to you.
I knew when mine came along that I had only afew years with them and now they are teenagers and I rarely get to see them.
Just because we are a family which believes in the freedom
of individuals to plan their own lives and still be loved and accepted.

The reasons given by our daughter and son in law was because of brexit, if we had stayed in the EU then they would not be going. We see them nearly every day love them more than words can say. We know friends who have gone abroad only to come back some years later a lot worse off because they used to own a house but now can not afford to buy so have to rent. Follow me follow me I will show you the promise land, I say look down you may well be standing on it.

When absentdaughter flew off to New Zealand at the tender age of 17, ostensibly for a three-month visit, I knew that she would never return to the UK. I flew out to celebrate her wedding and was there when my first grandson was born. She flew to England with him to meet his great grandmothers, both of whom are now dead. I wasn't there during her divorce, for the births of the second, third and fourth children nor her new marriage, although we were always in touch and very close, apart from geographically. I visited for three months when the first two grandchildren were three and two years old. I didn't meet the second two until they were two and three when absentdaughter, son-in-law and the two younger ones came to England. I was there when number five was born.

We remained in constant loving touch throughout these hard separate years and grew ever closer. So close that we simultaneously developed a technique for goodbyes at the airport because we both found them so agonisingly painful and wanted to spare each other. Of course, it never really worked and I have sobbed my way from Nelson to Auckland and sniffed sadly in the international departure lounge too many times to count.

Now, it isn't "there" but "here" because I emigrated to New Zealand three years ago in plenty of time for the birth of number six. Our geographical separation drove no barriers between absentdaughter, son-in-law and grandchildren and me. Rather, they fired our determination to be together as much as possible – and we are!

gardenman has posted before.

gardenman please speak to your DD ASAP.
Tell her you are sorry it was just a shock you didn't mean what you said.
Otherwise you may cause a break your lovely family.
Wish them well
And as others have said
start planning your visit.
You will be able to skpe every day.
Good luck

I'd find it very hard to hide my feelings as well. But I certainly wouldn't say I'd never forgive them!

I can quite understand the OPs reaction. I'd like to think I would do all the selfless stuff the others posters said but I reckon I would never manage to be so tactful and selfless. I'm just being honest here. I'm human and not perfect!

There are families who live only streets away from each other and aren't close because they have fallen out or don't get on. There are families who live thousands of miles apart and are incredibly close. It isn't just a question of distance. You will of course miss them all but if you let them go with your blessing and good wishes you will keep them close, if they stay because you have put emotional pressure on them you may well lose them completely.

I can imagine the announcement was a terrible shock and they had probably been very worried about how you would respond. I was devasted too, but my daughter is only approximately five hours away and flights are affordable. If you will struggle to find the fares, then I sympathise. Change and loss are very hard to cope with, but they are looking to the future; what they see as a good and happy life, so we have to wish them well and let them know we'll love them whatever they choose.

Please consider putting things right now, before another minute of this awful standoff is allowed to destroy the relationship. They know you're hurting, but an apology will go a long way to restoring calm. Do it for your daughter and those two lovely grandchildren, but most of all do it for your own peace and wellbeing.

gardenman99 I suspect your reaction was an immediate gut instinct of 'Oh No!' when they told you. Yes you will miss them all and I'm sure they will miss you too. Obviously I don't know where you and they currently live - do you see them every day? I have a dear friend who lives in Hampshire whose son and family moved to Aberdeen for his work. They are only able to visit a couple of times a year but make frequent use of Skype and email etc. Canada is no further away than the next street via the internet.

As many other posters have said we bring up our children to have confidence to make the right decisions for themselves. Be pleased for them and explain your words were expressed on the spur of the moment. Give them your blessing and help them make plans - if they'll let you

Do hope that was just a knee jerk response and you have put things right now. Your children need to find their own way, as everyone said it's the parents job to help them become independent and let them go.
My daughter moved to America and a wonderful life, please put their happiness before your own.

What a selfish response, gardenman. I wonder what you expected from us when you wrote the OP. Were you trying to stir up a hornet's nest? If you were, you failed completely. We grans have this in common: we bring our children up to make their own decisions and we abide by these even if we privately regret them. My very dear GD told me that she and her partner might emigrate when he finishes his studies. I told her that if they did, she should expect me to visit them. After your response to your daughter, I suspect she won't be too keen to welcome you to their new home.

Good parents give everything they have to their children and when grandchildren come along the bond becomes even closer. For one of our children to in effect break that bond is a very selfish thing to do. Some older folk could not care less what their children or grandchildren do or where they go. However those in a close loving family like yours sound like then I can understand why you feel so hurt.

I would be devastated - we only have one grandchild and we adore him beyond all reason, but I seriously hope that I would never say anything like that to my daughter and her partner. They have a right to make the best life for themselves and their children wherever that might be. I am sure you realise, with hindsight, what a hurtful statement that was and will ask for their forgiveness. I sincerely hope that you get it.

Have just returned from Canada and despite how we feel we are so happy to see the wonderful life our son his wife and our only grandaughter have in this fantastic country.
It truly is a place of beauty with great oppourtunties and a great place to bring up children. They FaceTime once a week for an hour and it's as good as a visit.....we have had 4 holidays for up to 3 weeks at a time since grandaughter arrived 14 months ago. They work hard and could never have here what they have there. Truly it is a fantastic place to visit...if they decide to go you must help them all you can....it would be a great place to retire to.