Step Grandad refuses to join in

I agree with harrigran he must've known you had a family when you married. Also as we get older it is important to have people around you who love and care about you. He is not doing himself any favours and may end up a very sad and lonely old man with no one around him who gives a dam whether he is alive or dead.

I also agree that some people do have child phobias and don't know how to act around children. But that in itself shouldn't stop him from being there with you. Presumably no one is asking him to get down on the floor and play but he might actually enjoy helping with homework, reading a story etc.

I am presuming that he knew about family when he married you so can't really opt out afterwards. Why marry if you have no intention of having a relationship with the extended family ?
At the end of the day it is his loss, when he wants or requires attention it may not be forthcoming.

Well Hopeful1, there'll be a reason why your husband avoids the children, to do with his own issues which could be serious. He's probably never shared it with anyone. If he is a good man in every other way perhaps you should trust him on this, that he knows best. He's trying to protect himself and perhaps others.

Sorry to be in the minority here but I think you should say 'This is my family, I love them. If you want nothing to do with them then our relationship cannot survive'. There are other men in the world. You do not need to stick with this one if you are not happy. He seems like a mean, selfish type to me. Maybe he does not feel drawn towards children but that does not mean that he can spoil special days for you in this way.

What a blessing that he accepts that you want to do family things and doesn't put a spanner in the works or try to stop you. He sounds a very nice man.
If you stop pushing he just may stop digging his heels in.

Just to say don't bank on him getting better as they get older pre teens can be very belligerent and as for teens love em to bits but they can be a nightmare hormones all over the place But I can only reiterate you can't make a person a child lover and as long as he's not cruel to them, that may be the best it gets Accept him for what he is and enjoy your grand children on you own

I had no children from my first marriage and didn't miss them, never really having had a strong maternal pull. When I met my 2nd husband 10 years ago his first grandchild had just been born, there have since been a further three. No pressure was put on me by DH to take an active role but I have been astounded by the love I feel for these 4 little people and humbled by the love they have for me. It's sad for all concerned that Hopeful1's OH isn't interested because he's probably missing out on a lot, but as others have said, that's how he is and there's no point in trying to force a change. Hopefully he'll become more interested as the children get older and easier to communicate with.

I'm very much in agreement in the "you have to accept that is how he is" camp, sure he will find GC easier as they get older & can do more "grown up" things. I was so lucky as my DM re-married (my DF died young) & my Step-Father had never had children of his own but his bond with my DD was terrific, he was always the one who spoilt her. Sadly he is no longer with us but he was a gem.

I hope the situation eases, many men who have never had/never wanted find small children difficult

If he was like this when you met, you can't expect him to change now. My friend bemoans the fact her husband is not remotely romantic after 34 years together. He was like that when they were dating. So why marry him. You just have to accept him as he is in afraid

Why don't you suggest that your OH goes and does something whilst you prepare children for bed then join you when they are tucked up in bed? You also mention that you have to fly out to see the other GC - then why not suggest that OH and you stay close to the GC and he fills his time with other things and joins you when you are free? That way you get to see GC and OH is in the background but with you.

He may be better now they are getting older- the 8 year old will start getting interesting when he/she needs more grownup pastimes. I had same problem but as the GC got older he related to them more & is now fantastic with them & they love him to bits. He never had children of his own so didn't get the baby/toddler business. As soon as they wanted to build models, learn how to use laptop & do experiments (usually causing either loud bangs or a lot of messy foam) he was in his element.
I hope the same works for you.

Agree. Not everyone likes children or enjoys their company. I wonder if a different perspective may help. My very first degree had a large ethical component and at the time (I was very young) a lot of the course content was academic and my ability to relate it to everyday life not so good! However, now I am older, there are many aspects that I relate to everyday life and I think perhaps the basic concept of "respect for the person" may help here. I make no apologies for copying and pasting this from the tinternet,

"Respect for persons is the concept that all people deserve the right to fully exercise their autonomy. Showing respect for persons is a system for interaction in which one entity ensures that another has agency to be able to make a choice. "

Perhaps this may help (or not) an understanding of accepting a differentness that sometimes may feel an alien concept to us as individuals.

Not everybody likes kids........that is who he is. If he is good to you and you to him, surely that is enough?

Anxiety is a bugger though.try and get some help with that if you can, just to make your own life easier.

Nothing in life is perfect but he sounds fairly close, don't try to change him.

Only you can decide just how significant an effect on your relationship this disinterest has. You describe your OH as very loving towards you, and as having other good qualities. If it was me, I'd be inclined to just accept the fact that some people just don't get on with children. At least you never had any with him.. which might have generated a whole host of other problems. On that basis, maybe just count your blessings and get on with life.

I agree with bluebelle, just accept how he is and don't stress about it. I can understand to an extent how he feels as I am not particularly fond of children either. Given time and no pressure I am sure things will change. Enjoy your time together as well.

Thank you for your honest opinions, I see where you are coming from. Particularly relieved to see that a biological relation is dragging his heels too Deedaa. I was beginning to feel as though my judgement was in doubt, probably left over guilt from moving on from my late husband!

I agree too, let him be, you can't make someone love children or cats or dogs If he's naturally not a children person it's going to cause stress and unhappiness between you they re not his grandkids so you carry on being happy with them doing whatever you want to do, keep the invitations open but don't worry if he doesn't bite your hand off to join you.

I think you are probably stuck with him as he is. My DH has very little interest in his own grandchildren, let alone someone else's. He really doesn't do children at all but doesn't mind our's now they are grown up. I've spent most of our marriage doing things on my own because most of the time he isn't interested.

I agree with Bags. You don't say how long you have been together, but your OH is in a relationship with you, not your entire family.
Lots of people don't find it easy to relate to small children, sometimes even when they have biological links to them!

Why can't you just accept him as he is? Call it child phobia if you wish but perhaps he simply feels no bond with kids who are in no way biologically related to him. You say he likes the eight year old but not the two year old. That says a lot to me: such as that he might well feel able to relate to them more when as they grow up. If he has had no children of his own I don't think what you say about his attitude to your grandchildren is in any way surprising.

Also, if he speaks to only one of your offspring, perhaps he doesn't find it easy to make relationships. Not everyone is socially adept. Maybe that's all it is with him.

I think you need to just get on with it on your own. Encourage him to join in but accept it if he doesn't want to. Maybe try and get help with your anxieties about travelling alone. Good luck.

I have tried one staying over which he tolerated but every time I invite him to join me babysiting he puts excuses in the way. He speaks to one of my children but not the other, it took a lot for both to accept him as he is my first relationship since their father died. A very awkward time even though my children were in their 20s when I started dating. I think a trip out next time may help as you suggest.. He likes the 8 year old but the other is 2, not the best age for someone with child phobia! Such a shame he is making hard work of it. It is so tiring to please all.

How sad hopeful1 he doesn't know what he's missing does he? My husband has no children but has always played the part of 'Grandad' to all 8 of our grandchildren he just dove right in as soon as we were married and before. Could you perhaps have a grandchild to stay with you and introduce him to the delights of grandchildren. Or arrange an outing that he could join in with.
Does he interact with your children?