Not allowed to see my beloved GS

Thanks for updating. I'm so very glad that the situation has resolved. Yes it is terrifying that these things can and do happen to ordinary families. 'There but for the grace of god.' A very happy new year to you and all your family.

So happy for you, slowly things will come good for all of you again.
Cyber hugs for all too. ?

Thank you for your update Beth
You and your family have been through an ordeal
But the outcome is what counts
You will all need time to heal and recover.
To have your DD and DGC back in your arms is truly wonderful.

I wish you and your little family a very happy new year xx

I am so pleased to hear of this improvement and wish all of you the very best
As to how this happened I can only say that perpetrators are very clever and skilled manipulators and even if their victim becomes aware they either no longer have contact with family and friends or feel ridiculous for being in the situation; even doubting their own thoughts. Victims can be intelligent, educated or less bright ; few can see through the initial charm of a perpetrator who seemingly puts them at the centre of his world. Unfortunately I know a few women who have suffered and the effects can run deep. Please assure your daughter that she is a person worthy of love and that her ex is a sad parody of a real man. I'm so pleased to read your update

Well, things became worse before they became better. DD didn't move as my DGS's Dad objected and threatened legal action so everything was put on hold however DD would not speak to me at all and we only managed to see our beloved boy when he was with his Dad which was better than nothing.
Things came to a head a couple of weeks before Christmas when the school raised concerns with DD and a SW became involved which upset DD so much that she asked BF to move out for a while ( DGS's Dad told me this). Also, worried sick, I had made an application under Clare's Law and the outcome came back just before Christmas- BF had a police record for Domestic Abuse and a Disclosure was made to DD . She did not tell him about the Disclosure but, thankfully, took it on board and ended the relationship. The day before Christmas Eve she came to the house and we talked for the first time in months. It quickly became clear that this man had been controlling and isolating DD for months. Some of the details were chilling and I have really struggled to understand how my kind, intelligent daughter could be manipulated the way she was. From what she wore to what she watched on TV, what she ate and who she spoke to were all controlled by him. One of my friends tells me that what has happened is almost identical to The Archers storyline .
Anyway, BF is away, DD and DGS are getting back to normal although both are receiving counselling and our family is slowly recovering but it has taken its toll.
I am so grateful for all the support I have received on GN( special thanks to those who suggested Clare's Law). That such a thing could happen to an ordinary family is terrifying.

Oh Beth, you must feel as if you're going to lose dd & dgs "forever." But please don't despair that way. You may not have their new address but that doesn't mean you'll totally lose contact. Does dd have a facebook page? Do you have access to it or do you have another dd or ds or someone else who does and will show it to you sometimes? Then you can hear news of them, see pictures of the kids, etc.

Apologizing "for any upset" probably won't work though. You need to show that you know what you did "wrong." That was criticizing dd's bf, wasn't it? Can you manage to say sorry for that? It might get a response.

Mair, you could be right "I suggest that certainly if its a sibling then daughter could hardly expect mum wouldn't have told him/her. A friend may be more tricky but if mum approaches the friend not in a way that criticizes DD but more from the point of view that she is hurt and bewildered, as well as very sorry about her interference. IMO its a desperate situation, and calls for desperate measures. Is there anything to lose?" Nothing to lose as you say.

Heartbreaking to be cut out of any Grandchild's life.
We can only try to keep in touch and if we are rejected how can we be expected to stop loving our Grandchildren?
Can I suggest keeping a diary, write your thoughts and messages to the children, do not fill it with sadness but share who you are and what you hope life will bring to them. Show they are not forgotten, remember the important days and times of their lives. Never change or delete the wording.
One day the book will find it's way to the children, it will show you did not walk away, that you did love them dearly.
Nothing says more than nothing, but hopefully your words will reach them and in time they will understand they were loved by you. And no one can take that away from them.

I'm going to respectfully disagree with Mair about getting a 3rd person involved, unless, perhaps, it's a professional mediator. If a friend or sibling speaks to her, she might just get mad at them or get madder at you thinking, "My mom spoke against me to my friend/whoever!"

You could be right, but I suggest that certainly if its a sibling then daughter could hardly expect mum wouldnt have told him/her.

A friend may be more tricky but if mum approaches the friend not in a way that criticizes DD but more from the point of view that she is hurt and bewildered, as well as very sorry about her interference.

IMO its a desperate situation, and calls for desperate measures. Is there anything to lose?

I'm late to this, but Beth, my heart goes out to you! Any updates? Hopefully, Christmas softened your DD's heart a little?

I'm going to respectfully disagree with Mair about getting a 3rd person involved, unless, perhaps, it's a professional mediator. If a friend or sibling speaks to her, she might just get mad at them or get madder at you thinking, "My mom spoke against me to my friend/whoever!"

Just hoping things get better for you in the coming year!

(((Hugs!)))

Just a thought, is there anyone who could act as a mediator and speak to your daughter? I am thinking perhaps a sibling or a long standing friend of your daughter who she trusts?

Suggest that if your daughter doesnt want full contact will she at least email, message or ring occasionally, and let you have her address, even if the price is that you promise not to call?

If I were you I would take a step back. Try and find out from their friends if the children are ok if you can. When they are 16 they will be able to see whoever they want to. Be there when they come knocking on your door.

Sometimes when step-parents come on the scene they feel threatened by the children's grandparents especially if they are the parents of the 'X'. Just make sure that your daughter is not being controlled and cut off by this man from her own family. Surely she contacts other members of the family so you could ask them. If she is, she will need you to be there for her if she is ever brave enough to make the split.

I would be a bit wary of making any contact in secret with the children or it could come back to haunt you.

The courts do reject contact orders. I was told 'don't worry the judge will see right through your nasty s.i.l' [GD stepdad] but they didn't. Went to court 3 times; first they didn't show, second they contested, 3 it was thrown out with the judge believing nasty s.i.l's lies! Third judge I would say was childless; no empathy what-so-ever. I had a very special bond with my D&GD as they lived with me before he came along, but that didn't count for anything! I went to mediation, but they refused.

Violette & {{{Hugs}}}

So sorry Luckylegs hope you are OK

Courts are not the way to go, I did that and regret it big time. Even if you get a court order, they can move away, or say GC is sick, on school trip, doesn't want to go, car broke down and on and on, till you have to go back to court and start all over again!

Very good post [16th oct] Morethan good advise. Hope you are OK, great to hear you got your D back.

So very sorry Beth your scenario sounds a lot like mine, I too was very close to my D&GD as they lived with me. But now my beloved GD's stepdad has cut all of her family out of her life, none of us have seen her or my D for 4yrs now, they live just 5mins down the rd. or did last time I knew. My only advise is to keep quiet, continue with the flowers and softly softly try to get back. Good luck. I have only read your first post, but I will come back later to read the replies and your next posts. God Bless

I have been through similar heartache and I have to tell you that you must concentrate on those who are still with you or you will never recover from this rift. My first grandson was taken away by his mother when he was 7 and even though I tried to keep in contact, I have not seen him since - he is now 31. I tried to get in touch through FB a little while ago but he did not respond. I know I will always love him even if I never see him again.

Luckygirl - I am no longer allowed to do the school run.
Diamondwhite- he is 10
Ilovegoldfish- apologies but I am not sure what you mean. Obviously there are 2 sides to every story and I am sure my DD would give a different point of view! I have tried to be as honest as possible whilst preserving anonymity. As for " writing on a forum is nonsense" you are entitled to your opinion ( so why are you doing it?? ) but I did it to obtain impartial views and I am so grateful to everyone who has taken time to write something. If you think there is something sinister I can do nothing about it but the fact I am surrounded by flowers from concerned friends proves something would you agree?

"These situations have a habit of coming back to haunt the people who instigated them "
Where have you found the proof to back this statement up ?

Writing on a forum is nonsense. Nobody ever tells the whole story, or the truthful story. Some people have had a dreadful upbringing, and it does haunt them, but not in the way your post suggests.

Try not to be so judgemental and look at the forums where children of the '60 and '70's scream.

Beth, you do not say how old your grandson is. Obviously the older he is the more he is likely to wonder why you no longer have contact with him. I wonder why parents don't think long term and realise that their children will one day ask about their grandparents and question why they have not had contact? These situations have a habit of coming back to haunt the people that instigated them.

Agree with keep the door open - and offer to look after your grandson if they need some time on their own

OP take comfort in the fact that your DGS is 10 and therefore has built up a good stock of memories about you etc (And remember the adage -- give me a child until he is 7) He will also have a pretty good idea about who it is who is blocking contact with you and I'm sure he will rest abolish contact as soon as he is able to do so independently. Do hope you don't have to wait that long, however and your DD will see the light.
Good luck

He may not have social media access now but he will when he's older so setting up an ongoing page now will provide a lovely record and clear messages of love if and when you can rebuild a relationship, if you are deprived of contact now

Perhaps you could suggest a mediation service to resolve the issues. If she does not agree then it will probably an expensive and frustrating court battle which will make your relationship more difficult to fix