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Grandparenting

Not allowed to see my beloved GS

(122 Posts)
Beth61 Sun 16-Oct-16 07:49:48

Some time ago I wrote a post , Daughter's New Rules( sorry I don't know how to add link ) and received many helpful, supportive responses. Many of them suggested that my DD's new BF sounded controlling and urged caution.
The past few months have been difficult as BF has made it clear that he doesn't like me or DH. I know that we have had a lot of involvement with DD and DGS over the years and it has been hard for us to step back but I have honestly tried to be supportive rather than interfering however I have had a few concerns about DGS and voiced them resulting in DD saying she wants nothing to do with me. My concerns were/ are that BF is too strict with DGS. Anyway she has stopped us seeing DGS and we are absolutely heartbroken. DD will not meet me or talk to me and will not allow Skype or any contact with DGS . I have written 2 letters to her apologising for any upset but nothing back. Now I have heard ( through DGS's Dad ) that they are moving away next week. I don't know where. I am in despair.

Beth61 Sun 16-Oct-16 07:53:34

I should have added that over the months I have tried to get to know BF but invitations to meals in and out of the house have been refused .

Anya Sun 16-Oct-16 07:58:21

I don't know what to say. I can understand that you are both heart-broken. This is so, so sad ((((hugs))))

cornergran Sun 16-Oct-16 08:09:30

So sorry, beth, desperately sad situation. Can't offer anything other than virtual hugs and a wish that you can find peace of mind.

Beth61 Sun 16-Oct-16 08:12:26

Thank you however if this situation is permanent I honestly don't think I can cope . I am totally devastated .

Mary59nana Sun 16-Oct-16 08:19:27

Beth I am so sorry I have no words of advice but sending you virtual hugs also,

morethan2 Sun 16-Oct-16 08:20:23

I know your despair. I have lived it and so my heart goes out to you. I think you have no option but to hold on tight and weather this storm and hope that your daughter eventually sees the light. Looking back the thing I regret the most was how I handled the situation. I let my despair over take my whole life. I lost sight of the other important people in my life and although I completely and without malice and with great joy accepted my girl back. They have never really forgiven her for the pain they witnessed me going through. What I'm saying in a cackhanded way is you have to accept the situation, you've done all you can. You could write and say that you feel as if you've done everything you can but to no avail and say you accept the situation with great sadness and then add that you hope that one day she will want to see you again. When that happens your arms and door will be open. Will your Grandchilds father keep you in the loop? So that at least you know where their going. I hope so. In the meantime allow yourself time to rant and rave at the unfairness of it all because it's all so raw and painful, then in someway accept the pain and do your upmost to control it and learn to live with it,but try not to let take over your life completely. I'm not sure this has helped. I'm sorry if it hasn't flowers

ninathenana Sun 16-Oct-16 08:37:30

I've not been in your situation but I think morethan s post says it all. I particularly agree with the part about not letting your nearest and dearest see just how bad your feeling as when this is resolved they might not be as forgiving as you. Of course don't bottle up your feelings as that's not good for you but maybe hold back on what you show to others.
flowers

Christinefrance Sun 16-Oct-16 08:47:47

So sorry Beth61 I can understand how you feel. As morethan said you have done all you can for the moment, take time to recover. You are very upset and angry now and you have reason to be but this will pass and when it does take stock. Keep in communication with your daughter even if there is little response there is always social media if you don't have her address. Look after yourself and try not to let this take over. There will be a time when your daughter will turn to you, then you can be there for her.

Luckygirl Sun 16-Oct-16 09:08:21

So sorry that you find yourself in this sad situation. I think you have to take a deep breath, grit your teeth and try and accept that you are in this for the long haul. These sort of rifts need careful thought, just chipping away bit by bit, keeping the door open whilst finding the strength to recognise that you must get on with your own life - sad though you are, you cannot and must not put everything on hold. You only have one life and this is a stumbling block along the way.

It is clearly a very delicate situation. Your DD's BF does not sound as though he is the sort of person who would take kindly to criticism, however carefully worded. I am sure that we can all see the possibility that this BF has gone in with too heavy a hand, trying to establish his rules for your GS rather than being sensitive to everyone's needs.

Re-establishing relationships is not going to be easy, as once people dig their heels in it is hard to dislodge them. It may be that your communications with them need to apologise for expressing your views about his handling of your GS - I know this is hard for you, but it is likely to be the only thing that might change their minds over time. You are probably right about his approach lacking sensitivity, but the rights and wrongs are almost irrelevant in trying to mend this rift. The priority is to create this mend so that you and your GS can pick up the pieces of your relationship and you can be there for him to deal with this minefield that he finds himself in.

Given that on one occasion they asked you to care for DGS while they went on holiday and without notice, it may be that their need to have someone to look after him while they pursue their new life might be a glimmer of hope. They may get fed up with having no built in baby sitter and this may draw them back to making contact with you. Eat a bit of humble pie, even though you feel you are in the right, as this is the best way to achieve the end goal.

This must all be so painful for you and I do feel for you.

gillybob Sun 16-Oct-16 09:52:56

Terribly sad situation Beth61 I can only imagine how you must be feeling . This must be really hard on you poor DGS too who will wonder why he cannot see you and his grandad. Your daughter is being cruel. If she is trying to punish you for saying something she does not agree with then why take it out on her son? I don't get that.

One thing I would do is to write to her, text, email (whatever) that if ever they want a break, a holiday or just some time alone together then she mustn't hesitate to bring DGS to you. You will look after him. Tell her you bear no grudges but wish beyond everything that you could sit down together and sort it out for the good of the DGS if nothing else. Don't whatever you do criticize her boyfriend and if necessary you might need to suck up to him a little. Can the father not bring DGS to see you once in a while just to keep the relationship bond ? Would the mother allow this?

I do hope things work themselves out eventually.

Marieeliz Sun 16-Oct-16 09:56:50

Is his Dad going to have access? Think this is important as new BF is not the Dad. If Dad isn't in touch it needs to be kept an eye on by someone.

AnnaC Sun 16-Oct-16 09:58:48

I agree with much of what has been said and would particularly endorse the eating humble pie bit, albeit through gritted teeth! Means justify the end and your end is a re-engagement with your DGS.
In the meantime, why not write letters to your GS? maybe one a week about what you've been doing, things you have heard, seen or done which remind you of times with him, things he would like?? For example, I was out walking yesterday and picked up some cankers which reminded me of when my DGS and I had our first conker fight and we found the conkers his Daddy saved as a little boy 30+ years ago. You can be happy now and your GS can read the letters sooner or later and understand that you were ALWAYS there for him. Take care x

harrysgran Sun 16-Oct-16 09:59:10

So sad for you and your husband my ex did this with my parents over 30 years ago he met me when I had my daughters like you they had helped me a great deal but he was basically jealous and also very controlling so as a young mother I felt unable to stand up to him all I can advice is keep communication open if at all possible because she will come back to you and who knows maybe as upset as you about the situation.

elea Sun 16-Oct-16 10:01:01

I am 😊 sending you all the love ❤ hugs in the world. I,ve been going through the same, but my heart has done it,s hurting, my health comes first to enable me to look after and cherish and share every precious moment with my son 24 who has special needs. They,ve abandoned me but what I cannot forgive is them abandoning my son, their brother. God bless and look to the future😊

nosnibor3 Sun 16-Oct-16 10:01:45

I can only imagine how utterly awful this whole situation must be for you - I have never experienced anything like this. I agree with the advice given by everyone. I would only add that loving your DGS & DD as much as you do, look after yourself mentally & physically as well as you can. This will help those still around you, and you. The pain will not go away, but one day, when your grandson turns up on your doorstep, you will be a person with a life you can welcome him into - not not a Miss Haversham who will scare the pants off him!

jonnyald Sun 16-Oct-16 10:03:19

my tip- learn some coping mechanisms . you must if you are going to ride this storm and come out smiling. dont dwell on it [harder than it seems i know ] what worked for me was keeping extra busy, new job, new hobbies . by the time i was ready to sit in my chair i was so tired i had no time to dwell. i rode the storm that way.

meandashy Sun 16-Oct-16 10:16:46

Grandparents have rights op. Seek some advice. It's sad new bf is taking over but I have been in your situation & it has ended with my gc living with me! I'm not saying that's ideal or what you want but fighting to see them. Good luck 💜

Anneishere Sun 16-Oct-16 10:22:21

Why???? Is your son having regular contact with his child? Unless your son or yourself pose a risk to your grandson then there is no excuse whatsoever for her to stop your grandson seeing his paternal side of the family!!! What planet are some of these mothers on??? Makes my blood boil! Your son is the father and so has as much right to see his own son than she has - likewise same goes for you - I am sure she has not stopped her own mother & father from seeing their grandson?? I get so annoyed with some of these young mothers!

maddyone Sun 16-Oct-16 10:22:24

So, so sorry to read this this, it must be agonising for you. I can't really add anything to what others have said, so I send you love and hugs. I hope gets resolved soon. flowers X

Tessa101 Sun 16-Oct-16 10:23:41

How sad for you Beth lots of good advise already given. All I would like to add is keep the door wide open for DGS dad as he can keep you updated on what's going on also surely if he feels that his son is being treated unfairly he will step in. At the moment he is your life line. Please don't beat your self up over this as much as it hurts you have to look after yourself for when your darling DGS is back in your life.

Cath9 Sun 16-Oct-16 10:33:40

It must be awful not baing able to see your grandson. It was bad enough when I was living with my son, who eventually wouldn't allow my granddaughter to speak to me.
My brother has not been able to see his oldest grandaughter ever since his son split up with the mother of his kids, which has now been many years.
I fear, as it is their own life, if one shows signs of remorse, this could prolong the connection.

radicalnan Sun 16-Oct-16 10:41:30

Oh dear, I do feel for you. My SIL told me years ago that unless I stopped supporting my own father in a family feud, I would not be able to see my grand children. Probably 10 years ago. It is very sad. My GD carried one of the Olympic torches and I saw that on You Tube, which is all I have had of them.

I don't know if these emotional blackmailers learn anything when their controlling behaviours doesn't work, I hope that some lesson is learned, I hope that my grand children will learn as they grow older that the way their dad acted was wrong, maybe the benefit of the decision I made will be felt a long time down the line. Maybe not at all?

My daughter stood aside and allowed this to happen and for that she must accept responsibility, she is, a grown woman after all.

All parents (unless really vile) have legal rights to access to their children and must exercise those rights. No moves can be made without consent, a prohibitive steps order can be obtained through the courts to prevent sudden disappearing tricks or house moves designed to break parental contact.

Grandparents rights, are far more tenuous and difficult to enforce, sadly and if they weren't, who would want to be the child pulled between the adult forces?

I urge you to behave as if he were still there, get cards for birthdays etc and keep them in a tin for when he does come back, start a little saving account so that when he is there (and we are all praying for you that he will be) you can afford some memorable treats.

It sounds likely that they will need your help and you have to be prepared for that.

That child will seek you out when he is older, they have FB now and are so savvy about finding people. I know the pain and it is horrible.

I used to feel as if our family rift was rather extraordinary and yet see on here how very mundane it all is, I think that makes me feel a little better.

You are not alone that's for sure.

glammanana Sun 16-Oct-16 10:49:18

I feel so sorry for your situation Beth and send you virtual ((hugs)) just make sure you are never heard to say anything negative about the BF and keep your door open at all times for your DD,she will come back in her own time when she realises what a mistake she has made, mine did but it was quite a while and after she found the strength to go against the new BF who will be wanting total control of her from her family and friends,I wouldn't like to go down the legal route for access to your DGS as that would alienate your DD further and may not be able to be repaired.Keep strong and keep in touch with your DGSs father he is vital in this process.flowers

foxie Sun 16-Oct-16 10:50:13

Regrettably grandparents have no legal right to their grandchildren only if the matter can be resolved through reconciliation and amicable consent. So whilst I sympathise with your situation unless the parents give their consent there's nothing you can do. However, I would mention that there is now a law which makes 'coercive control' illegal but it's only your daughter who can bring a complaint and by what you have said, that appears unlikely. I wish I could offer a quick solution but there is none. sad