Out of Control 14 Year Old Granddaughter - HELP!

Please ignore comments about "bad parenting" most of us have no idea how to bring up our children when we embark on parenting, but we do the best we can. I think lots of us have allowed our children to rule the roost but with a bit of help you can often reset the rules and improve the situation. I would not leave your daughter to cope on her own: often grandparents can be helpful as they may be more relaxed than the poor parents! One of the posters mentioned autism. My eldest grandson has terrible tantrums, but in between is a lovely child. He has been diagnosed as autistic, which has at least given us an explanation for his behaviour and has allowed us all to put strategies into place to help. It could be possible that your GD is on the autistic spectrum. I would encourage your daughter to ask the school to refer you to the educational psychologist or mental health worker. They have proved quite helpful to my DD and SIL. If it's any help, my elder daughter was a terrible child but she got progressively better every year and ever since she became an adult, she has been lovely. She has learned that exercise and never allowing herself to get too hungry improve her moods.It might be a good idea to get her to have a medical check if possible. If your daughter's GP isn't helpful, she needs to ask her friends if they have a sympathetic GP and perhaps consider changing the practice she uses. Good luck!

I've had nits as an adult, and they drove me crazy.They made me feel thoroughly wretched, disgusting, dirty, itchy and nasty. I felt I was fumigating myself when putting the shampoo on and only a nit comb helped. Is it perhaps this that is contributing to the problem? The teenager may feel awful.

I think you need to have a conversation with her, with some sympathy and empathy, not a situation where you end up slapping her.

Buy her a box of chocolates as an apology and apologise as well. No doubt she will tell everyone at school what happened.....

I've just re-read your post, and the child you slapped was not the one with the nits. Why on earth did her mother want her to wash her hair all over again ??????

I think you should definitely buy the child you slapped a box of chocolates and apologize for your own behaviour.

Your daughter seems to have no control over any of her children. Would advise her to read some books on simple parenting, before SOMEONE hearing all this hullaboo informs Social Services.

I also think that your daughter must agree some sort of plan with the new partner, gather the daughters together for a discussion or see them one by one for a discussion, and agree that what took place (ie the fighting and screaming) must not take place again because it has upset her, and you and probably others (I feel sorry for her neighbours as well.)

There has to be consequences and she has to think of what will affect the children to get them to think twice about causing trouble - eg imposing no pocket money, keeping child in when they want to go out with their friends, denying treats like holidays, confiscating mobile phones.

I read your post with sadness to hear how you're all affected by your grandaughter's behaviour. We had very similar behaviour from our grandson ( younger than your grandaughter but with a similar background....parents split up, movement between two houses etc and we all thought it was either a reaction to the situation and possibly learned behaviour from parents arguing etc.
But then the school suggested possibly autism. That was a breakthrough. He finally has a diagnosis of high functioning autism (Aspergers) and ODD, oppositional defiant disorder, and our daughter has had fantastic support from an autism trained specialist who helped her learn strategies for dealing with meltdowns ( not tantrums), from the way she communicated during a meltdown to a weighted blanket ( rather than a hug which he dislikes). It has been a long hard journey and we've all learnt so much about how he thinks and his triggers.

Girls who have autistic traits do behave differently socially in many cases from boys, but the meltdowns are common. I'd strongly suggest talking to a doctor for advice and support. In the meantime there is lots online indicating autistic characteristics, but remember that each person with ASD is different and they don't all fit into a neat list.

I wish you all well. We know how exhausting and emotionally draining this sort of situation can be, but there is light at the end of the tunnel and we dearly love our aspie.

carolmary I don't think any posters are accusing NudeJude or her DD of bad parenting - however, when a family is in a situation like this it is difficult to know the right way to proceed when emotions are running high.

Sometimes it takes someone with an objective viewpoint with no emotional involvement to be able to suggest a way forward and ways in which the parents may adopt different coping strategies to the ones which are obviously failing at the moment.

NudeJude I think everyone has your, your DD's and your DGD's best interests in mind in their posts.
As a mother, you are feeling protective towards your DD too but she isn't coping with this extremely stroppy teenager and she and her ex-husband will need to take a different approach; hopefully things will settle and calm down without having to resort to outside help.

Best wishes

One of my DDs told me about the McClintock Effect - when women live together in a household their monthly cycles start to synchronise.

Another poster mentioned pmt - it could be that tensions rise in the household if there is more than one female who does get pmt at the same time and they all react more strongly to a certain trigger point.

Nude Jude one thing I am going to comment on is your need to blame their father you say how the girls have always been difficult because of his easy going manner with them but your daughters lack of strength sounds an even bigger problem and put them together and you can see why all three girls walk over them both
It's truely natural for you to defend your daughter so I m not critising you but your language makes your daughter sound very little, ineffective and vulnerable You described a laid back father who laughs things off and a weak mother who screams and cries in front of the perpetrator I think the new boyfriend however nice, is an added problem a shame he's not in his own house until all the family equations are sorted
The fact that your granddaughter has always been difficult really empasises the fact that mum and dads parenting techniques have probably never corresponded ( that's meant to be an observation not a critism ) and then this last year with mum and dad splitting and new boyfriend moving in it has pushed her over the edge and she probably feels the whole world is against her

I think you ve had a lot of really good points passed to you from a lot of people that have 'been there' in some way or another It is much more 'normal' or perhaps I should say common than most people realise, lastly remember that stress breeds stress the more people get worked up the more they will rev each other up

Well, this little madam has complete control over all the "adults" in her life, doesn't she? If ever there were a case for strict boundaries, this is it! She's obviously suffered as a result of the parents' split-up and my bet is that she's played off one parent against the other ever since - she's well used to getting her own way! I taught girls for years and, believe it or not, they need rules and guidelines, NOT parents who are "best buds" and too feeble and lazy to show them that there are consequences for their children's bad behaviour. Good grief, it's not rocket science. She needs to vent her anger - maybe with a counsellor - not family members who get as hysterical as she does - where are the adults?

Take her to the doctor and get her a letter for CAMHS she needs to see a counsellor she is very unhappy

It sounds as though it is your grandaughters who are the ones who need the help...The separation between their parents will have affected them badly...They are at the age where CAMS can still get involved as it sounds as though they could all do with some concealing.
In fact the whole family can be helped and hopefully things can then improve in all their relationships

NudeJude this is such a sad story, but as others have said, a common one with teenagers. My DS was a nightmare between 13 and 18, aggressive and angry but I am not sure what about. He doesn't know either now. But I suspect it coincided with his dad working very long hours. It takes very little to tip teenagers with raging hormones over the edge in my experience. I feel for you as a grandmother. In theory you shouldn't be involved but I imagine you were torn seeing both your DD and GDD so distressed.

You have had a lot of good advice on here, especially from those used to working with difficult young people. The advice to try to cool things down seems to be the common factor. So hard I know when faced with an angry and distressed girl.

I hope things will work out for you all.

One thing to think about is that it really is the whole family who are suffering in this sad situation and there is a danger that the one who is making the most noise will become the scapegoat and repository for everyone's unhappiness. Might be worth thinking about trying not to make her the focus of it all - it is tempting I know, but probably won't help.

Oh this post brings back so many awful memories. It was a horrible number of years but there were two things I did which really helped. The first one was when she was having her usual outrageous tantrum and was going around destroying the house - I picked up the phone and called the police. It was so,so upsetting for us both. She was sat on the stairs being lectured and she was sobbing and begging me to hold her. I wanted so much to tell the policeman to leave her alone but I knew deep down I could not so held firm. Hardest thing I have ever done. They wanted to take her to a cell overnight but in the end they told her I have stopped them but if I ever have cause to phone them again, I would have no say and they would arrest her. When they went she begged me to promise not to call them again and, although I wouldn't have, I told her I would if her aggressive behaviour continued. The tantrums continued but the violent behaviour stopped. I took her to CAMS but a few years later paid for private therapy and CBT and that also helped massively.
Today she is 22 years old, she completed university, has an amazing job and has just moved out. Most importantly, she is now my best friend and I am so proud of her and love her to bits.
She thanks me now for standing by her but, honestly, there were times I could have easily kicked her out and not looked back.
No easy answer; just a day at a time and I truly hope that one day your daughter can have an easier life. for you both xx

We had the same problems with our granddaughter during her teenage years. She is eighteen now and she is a lovely girl albeit still with a temper which she manages to control much better.
It is so, so difficult but please don't give up on her. I know it is hard but just try to hang in there. She wil begin to mellow slowly as time goes on. I do so hope you get all the support you need.

nudejude I hope you have taken heart that it can be very common behaviour and your granddaughter isn't some kind of outrageous tyrant, make a friend of her not an enemy and you may be surprised My grandson very wisely told me once when he was irate with temper 'Walk away Nan leave me alone' it took a bit of doing but I m getting so much better at it now and the temper dissipates much quicker if I m not there to fan the flames

By the way I m really curious what's with the nude bit ? I ve got this mental picture of a naturist granny

NudeJude, so sorry you are in this situation. The teen years are very difficult by default. It sounds like your DGD is also a very sensitive young lady who is having difficulty coping with all the changes in her life.

Let me start out by saying that your DGD is likely very scared, insecure and angry (due to parents' breakup, moving away, adjusting to a new school, new friends etc., and who knows what other problems she may be having but won't talk about?)

I would also recommend a. Counseling (so she can learn to cope and to manage her anger and her insecurities more productively) b. I concur with Luckygirl about the ground rules for the whole family c. Some adjunct family couseling is very important too

Violence (shouting, shoving, blows etc.) is always ineffective because it automatically blocks communication. When communication breaks down, the conflict escalates and nothing gets resolved.

In every confrontation it's ok to take a step back and be willing to retreat in order to avoid escalation. That is not the same as giving in..it is more of a 'time out' to allow someone to calm down and to rewind before things get out of hand.

Finally, a wise person once told me that the people who are the least lovable in a given moment, are probably the ones who in that same moment are crying out for help and asking to be loved the most.

Once again thank you to all of those who have offered positive advice and not criticised.

My granddaughter has accepted my apology, and even admitted that she dramatised the whole thing just for effect, this we all know is typical of a teenager. However, when telling an old friend of the situation yesterday, she told me about a recent situation in which she was involved with an out of control young woman who had tried to actually strangle her boyfriend. The police had been called, and a female police officer had actually slapped the hysterical young woman's face, so for those of you who have criticised my actions in the heat of the moment, I would like to point out that a sharp slap in that situation is obviously not as out of order as you all think, albeit I would not do it again.

For those of you who have suggested counselling for her, the only problem is, how do you make her go, as we all know that she would refuse point blank.

She is ALWAYS shown much love and I truly don't think that the split has made the situation with her temper any worse, just age and hormones.

After a telephone conversation last night with the husband, my daughter agreed (knowing full well that it wouldn't happen) that all three girls should remain with him, as he felt he was best placed to give them the continuity that they need. Within 10 minutes of this agreement, he was on the phone again, virtually begging her to have middle daughter back, as when he'd told her she was to stay, she refused point blank, had another 'melt down' as some of you prefer to call it, and had stormed out in the dark to walk the 3 miles back to my daughter's house. She then phoned the partner, who she obviously respects on some level, and told him what she was doing, he told her to wait where she was by the village shop which was lit up and therefore a little safer, while he sorted something out for her. Her father had apparently followed her by car, but again, she refused point blank to get in, and short of man handling her, what was he supposed to do. Come on all those of you who felt that physicality was not the answer, tell me how to deal with that one.

Anyway, after receiving a call from child's best friend, who is like a member of the family, begging my daughter to have her home, Mum and partner went and collected her, and having read her the riot act she is now safely back home, with all the usual promises of 'I'll do better in future'. How long this will last no one knows, but at least with the positive input from some of you, we now feel better able to cope next time.

NudeJude - I expect the child's best friend knows a lot, as your grand-daughter will have confided in her.

You could always invite the two of them round to yours for tea and find out gently whats troubling them most.

Hope the nits are retreating as well.

Physicality was not the answer - if someone did that to me and I was a child I'd be onto Child Line Social Services etc etc like a shot and I'd never talk to you again, and hold it against you for evermore. Do you really want that ???

You should have left her to it screaming and not got as physically involved as you did. You could, as someone else has said, threatened to, or actually phoned the Police. This child obviously knows she can get away with any stunt she likes to pull, because she has been allowed to.

I would have thought that a policewoman who slapped a young woman across the face would be facing disciplinary procedures.
There are ways of restraining people and they do not include physical assault.

You can bet this sort of behaviour will happen again - forewarned is fore-armed and you and your daughter need to know how to handle this child and a similar situation. You and your daughter also need to be in agreement over what your reaction to it will be.

I still think the best approach is for you to be as pleasant to the child as you can be though, as it would make for a much quieter life for you.

This child (indeed all 3 of them) must feel like parcels. Who decided they should live with father? Did they have any say in it?

She is acting up because all control has been taken out of her hands and the only way she can get anyone to listen is to scream and shout. These girls need to be a part of the decisions about their futures.

Sorry but police cannot slap people it is totally out of order and yes she or he would have been up before a board for it it's an offence and they would really be in the quagmire for hitting someone

Luckygirl is totally right they are being passed around with no one having a clue what they are doing, no wonder they are all playing up Its a nightmare, four adults a father a mother a boyfriend and a gran all acting like headless chickens and not knowing how to work with these youngsters ..... please do get some proper professional help before someone runs away or worse gets hurt physically or psychologically

I would just add all the services that deal with 'difficult' people or difficult situations are trained in conflict/resolution on an annual basis and that does not include hitting or slapping people