Out of Control 14 Year Old Granddaughter - HELP!

Especially at the moment when he is being so good and doing all the cooking .....

He does a fair bit of ranting himself, but just at everything in general

Jalima It is very satisfying. Just don't let him hear you ranting at a cushion!

PS Your daughter will also need lots of support and love which I'm sure you give her. Being a mum and grandmother is not easy at times like this.

She is a teenager and a very difficult one at that. Unless you have been in a similar situation it is hard to judge. My granddaughter was a nightmare.She had a terrible temper if she didn't get what she wanted and also very arrogant. I have been called to 'assist' on many an occasion. She once left,probably told to leave as her mum had had enough. I picked her up, in the dark from a bench in a local park. It was nine o'clock at night, anything could have happened. She was fourteen yeas old.She then stayed with us for a few days until everything had calmed down.This happened on more than one occasion. As punishment her Mum turned off the wifi, grounded her, witheld her pocket money. Turning off the wifi did work.My granddaughter pleaded for it to be put back on.Four years later she is much better but I will never forget how she was.My daughter often sat down with her to have a chat about her behaviour, that helped too.
I must admit
Good Luck with your granddaughter NudeJude, just hang in there and always be ready to offer support and of course lots of hugs and love.She is one mixed up teenager but needs to be reassured that you still love her unconditionally.

I might try that trisher
(on the present husband, he's OK really but sometimes .....)

Nudeude I just remembered something I did many years ago, when i was very angry with someone (ex-husband) and knew that I would never be able to get the anger out at him. You get something soft- cushion, soft toy, and give it the name of the person you are angry with. You are then free to shout at it. hit it, kick it etc. It does make you feel better. I suspect your GDs are angry with both their parents and you are all getting the flak from this. Might be worth a try.

You can no more reason with a raging teenager than you can with a tantruming toddler. The only thing you can do in that situation is to refuse to be dragged into an argument. Simply say that you will discuss whatever it is later when everyone is calmer and refuse to be drawn in. No doubt she will scream, shout, stomp etc but it's very difficult to have an argument when no one will join in. Later when everything is calm discuss the issue. Be prepared to compromise on minor issues but hold firm on major issues. For example, she needed to treat for nits but had washed her hair. Couldn't she have done the treatment the next time she washed her hair? Did it have to be there and then?

I don't have any answers Jude the two things I noticed though, in front of all these people at your DD's home your GD was asked to have a nit treatment. Were everyone else in the house going to be treated for nits too. If your GD was in a bad mood all day why put the focus on her. Why treat someone for nits if you don't even know if they have them.

The second thing that stood out for me was your DD has only been separated for a year and alread has a new partner. No wonder the marriage split has caused problems. You have to feel sorry for children to see their parents seperate and the next thing there is a new partner in their home. They probably don't know what struck them. I do know this seems to be the normal thing but it does not mean it won't cause problems.

Years ago a cuff round the ear was standard practice from the bobby on the beat for children who were misbehaving - followed by another from dad when they got home.

Not any more!

Gosh, police can taser an aggressive out-of-control person who is attacking another, but not slap them?

I would just add all the services that deal with 'difficult' people or difficult situations are trained in conflict/resolution on an annual basis and that does not include hitting or slapping people

Sorry but police cannot slap people it is totally out of order and yes she or he would have been up before a board for it it's an offence and they would really be in the quagmire for hitting someone

Luckygirl is totally right they are being passed around with no one having a clue what they are doing, no wonder they are all playing up Its a nightmare, four adults a father a mother a boyfriend and a gran all acting like headless chickens and not knowing how to work with these youngsters ..... please do get some proper professional help before someone runs away or worse gets hurt physically or psychologically

This child (indeed all 3 of them) must feel like parcels. Who decided they should live with father? Did they have any say in it?

She is acting up because all control has been taken out of her hands and the only way she can get anyone to listen is to scream and shout. These girls need to be a part of the decisions about their futures.

You can bet this sort of behaviour will happen again - forewarned is fore-armed and you and your daughter need to know how to handle this child and a similar situation. You and your daughter also need to be in agreement over what your reaction to it will be.

I still think the best approach is for you to be as pleasant to the child as you can be though, as it would make for a much quieter life for you.

I would have thought that a policewoman who slapped a young woman across the face would be facing disciplinary procedures.
There are ways of restraining people and they do not include physical assault.

Physicality was not the answer - if someone did that to me and I was a child I'd be onto Child Line Social Services etc etc like a shot and I'd never talk to you again, and hold it against you for evermore. Do you really want that ???

You should have left her to it screaming and not got as physically involved as you did. You could, as someone else has said, threatened to, or actually phoned the Police. This child obviously knows she can get away with any stunt she likes to pull, because she has been allowed to.

NudeJude - I expect the child's best friend knows a lot, as your grand-daughter will have confided in her.

You could always invite the two of them round to yours for tea and find out gently whats troubling them most.

Hope the nits are retreating as well.

Once again thank you to all of those who have offered positive advice and not criticised.

My granddaughter has accepted my apology, and even admitted that she dramatised the whole thing just for effect, this we all know is typical of a teenager. However, when telling an old friend of the situation yesterday, she told me about a recent situation in which she was involved with an out of control young woman who had tried to actually strangle her boyfriend. The police had been called, and a female police officer had actually slapped the hysterical young woman's face, so for those of you who have criticised my actions in the heat of the moment, I would like to point out that a sharp slap in that situation is obviously not as out of order as you all think, albeit I would not do it again.

For those of you who have suggested counselling for her, the only problem is, how do you make her go, as we all know that she would refuse point blank.

She is ALWAYS shown much love and I truly don't think that the split has made the situation with her temper any worse, just age and hormones.

After a telephone conversation last night with the husband, my daughter agreed (knowing full well that it wouldn't happen) that all three girls should remain with him, as he felt he was best placed to give them the continuity that they need. Within 10 minutes of this agreement, he was on the phone again, virtually begging her to have middle daughter back, as when he'd told her she was to stay, she refused point blank, had another 'melt down' as some of you prefer to call it, and had stormed out in the dark to walk the 3 miles back to my daughter's house. She then phoned the partner, who she obviously respects on some level, and told him what she was doing, he told her to wait where she was by the village shop which was lit up and therefore a little safer, while he sorted something out for her. Her father had apparently followed her by car, but again, she refused point blank to get in, and short of man handling her, what was he supposed to do. Come on all those of you who felt that physicality was not the answer, tell me how to deal with that one.

Anyway, after receiving a call from child's best friend, who is like a member of the family, begging my daughter to have her home, Mum and partner went and collected her, and having read her the riot act she is now safely back home, with all the usual promises of 'I'll do better in future'. How long this will last no one knows, but at least with the positive input from some of you, we now feel better able to cope next time.

NudeJude, so sorry you are in this situation. The teen years are very difficult by default. It sounds like your DGD is also a very sensitive young lady who is having difficulty coping with all the changes in her life.

Let me start out by saying that your DGD is likely very scared, insecure and angry (due to parents' breakup, moving away, adjusting to a new school, new friends etc., and who knows what other problems she may be having but won't talk about?)

I would also recommend a. Counseling (so she can learn to cope and to manage her anger and her insecurities more productively) b. I concur with Luckygirl about the ground rules for the whole family c. Some adjunct family couseling is very important too

Violence (shouting, shoving, blows etc.) is always ineffective because it automatically blocks communication. When communication breaks down, the conflict escalates and nothing gets resolved.

In every confrontation it's ok to take a step back and be willing to retreat in order to avoid escalation. That is not the same as giving in..it is more of a 'time out' to allow someone to calm down and to rewind before things get out of hand.

Finally, a wise person once told me that the people who are the least lovable in a given moment, are probably the ones who in that same moment are crying out for help and asking to be loved the most.

nudejude I hope you have taken heart that it can be very common behaviour and your granddaughter isn't some kind of outrageous tyrant, make a friend of her not an enemy and you may be surprised My grandson very wisely told me once when he was irate with temper 'Walk away Nan leave me alone' it took a bit of doing but I m getting so much better at it now and the temper dissipates much quicker if I m not there to fan the flames

By the way I m really curious what's with the nude bit ? I ve got this mental picture of a naturist granny

We had the same problems with our granddaughter during her teenage years. She is eighteen now and she is a lovely girl albeit still with a temper which she manages to control much better.
It is so, so difficult but please don't give up on her. I know it is hard but just try to hang in there. She wil begin to mellow slowly as time goes on. I do so hope you get all the support you need.

Oh this post brings back so many awful memories. It was a horrible number of years but there were two things I did which really helped. The first one was when she was having her usual outrageous tantrum and was going around destroying the house - I picked up the phone and called the police. It was so,so upsetting for us both. She was sat on the stairs being lectured and she was sobbing and begging me to hold her. I wanted so much to tell the policeman to leave her alone but I knew deep down I could not so held firm. Hardest thing I have ever done. They wanted to take her to a cell overnight but in the end they told her I have stopped them but if I ever have cause to phone them again, I would have no say and they would arrest her. When they went she begged me to promise not to call them again and, although I wouldn't have, I told her I would if her aggressive behaviour continued. The tantrums continued but the violent behaviour stopped. I took her to CAMS but a few years later paid for private therapy and CBT and that also helped massively.
Today she is 22 years old, she completed university, has an amazing job and has just moved out. Most importantly, she is now my best friend and I am so proud of her and love her to bits.
She thanks me now for standing by her but, honestly, there were times I could have easily kicked her out and not looked back.
No easy answer; just a day at a time and I truly hope that one day your daughter can have an easier life. for you both xx

One thing to think about is that it really is the whole family who are suffering in this sad situation and there is a danger that the one who is making the most noise will become the scapegoat and repository for everyone's unhappiness. Might be worth thinking about trying not to make her the focus of it all - it is tempting I know, but probably won't help.

NudeJude this is such a sad story, but as others have said, a common one with teenagers. My DS was a nightmare between 13 and 18, aggressive and angry but I am not sure what about. He doesn't know either now. But I suspect it coincided with his dad working very long hours. It takes very little to tip teenagers with raging hormones over the edge in my experience. I feel for you as a grandmother. In theory you shouldn't be involved but I imagine you were torn seeing both your DD and GDD so distressed.

You have had a lot of good advice on here, especially from those used to working with difficult young people. The advice to try to cool things down seems to be the common factor. So hard I know when faced with an angry and distressed girl.

I hope things will work out for you all.

It sounds as though it is your grandaughters who are the ones who need the help...The separation between their parents will have affected them badly...They are at the age where CAMS can still get involved as it sounds as though they could all do with some concealing.
In fact the whole family can be helped and hopefully things can then improve in all their relationships