Out of Control 14 Year Old Granddaughter - HELP!

The basic principle with a teenager is that you only take a stand over the very important things: drug-taking; getting into a car with a drunken driver friend; drinking to excess; risking unwanted pregnancy. All the rest is minor.

So....she did not want to wash her hair again: "I can see that it would be a pain to wash it again when you have just done it - I will see if there is another way to get rid of any nits you might have." All said quietly; subject closed for the time being. Offer a nit comb later, hopefully when she brings up the subject herself.

A few nits are not the end of he world; but getting into a battle over something so small is what she was angling for - and you all fell into her trap.

No shouting from the adults; no physcial chastisement from the adults. The adults must remain calm and, dare I say it, ADULT during these outbursts.

By following her lead, you are all makng the situation worse. She is basically a little girl who superficially enjoys having the power to wind everyone up and to play her parents off one against the other; but underneath it scares her.

Some family couselling is needed as, from what you say, this is a pattern that has existed throughout their childhoods.

The adults involved must make three rules:
- never shout or hit and always speak quietly and calmly.
- only challenege them when it is absolutely necessary - take a moment to really ask how important this bone of contention is.
- the adults in the situation must all give the same message. The most helpful thing you can do is to offer to look after the children while your DD and her ex sit down on their own together and agree the ground rules - and then they MUST back each other up over them.

I used to work in what was then Child Guidance and I know how following those rules can transform behaviour and home life. I am not suggesting it is easy to do - but it is simple and clear.

The idea of getting everyone else to leave the room when all this shouting starts is a good one . She may then calm down enough to tell you why she is so unhappy /angry with the adults in her life . Talk in a low quiet voice and no physical contact it just escalates the situation. I thought back to my own childhood when I read your post and wondered why this sort of out of control behaviour happens these days . It must be to do with upbringing differences , I would never have shouted at my Mother/Teachers , It wasn`t an option! I have every sympathy for you being put in this situation , it is just not fair to expect you to step in . If the GD has seen shouting between her patents as a way of resolving issues then she probably doesn`t know any other way . I do agree with the poster who said `pick your battles` , if it is not important ie instant nit treatment then why make it a huge issue . All I can say is stay as calm as you can , never shout back , get her on her own and TALK when she is calm xx

I can only add that I feel for your daughter. My youngest daughter was the same as your granddaughter, but from day one. At school she pretended she could not read, yet turned out page after page of copperplate (we were in France) for homework. She 'refused' to learn her times tables, but caught offbeat was never wrong! The school rang me daily, telling me I was an appalling mother, sending her to school in the dead of winter in shorts (she had left home fully wrapped up in coat, hat, gloves and scarf) - the list was endless. Out shopping she'd throw WW3 if she couldn't have something -age 12 - and ran into a packed car park yelling 'Don't hit me, don't hit me' at the top of her voice, whilst refusing to come out. I died of shame so often I eventually became inured to it all...but on she carried. Psychiatrists didn't work, she sat and uttered not a syllable, counselling didn't work for the same reason. Eventually we returned to the UK but that didn't stop her. We were staying with her Godfather, but even his kind reasoning had no effect. Then, out of the blue, her father (on the missing list for 13 years) appeared and all she wanted to do was live with him. I fought through the courts to keep access to both her and her elder sister but the little **** told such whoppers that I'm amazed her nose didn't grow across the room and her tongue turn black; contempt of court had nothing on this. so she went to live with her 'adoring' father, who gave up trying to control her. God knoes where she is now, or with whom, as she hasn't spoken to me for 3 years of peace.

I wish your daughter the very best of luck and hope for a happier outcome. With help from other sources than relatives, which I know to my cost is almost impossible to obtain, she will eventually have a happy daughter, instead of the troubled she has at the moment. My wishes come from the bottom of my hear.t

Just to make things clear, I intervened at my daughters bequest because she simply could not reason with her daughter. Have you ever tried reasoning with an out of control teenager who is threatening and violent? What do you do with a teenager who will not accept boundaries and is physically threatening? Boundaries are all very well while you can enforce them, but short of physically holding them down, how are you supposed to make them stop and listen? I have since apologised to my granddaughter for the slap, and don't expect to be forgiven, but what we do need and what I had hoped to get, was not lectures telling us what we've done wrong, we already know that, but real constructive advice. So thank you to those who have given advice, but other than that if you don't have anything constructive to say, please don't comment, it isn't helpful.

I agree with NanaandGrampy, too much physical intervention and not enough reason. It is the parents responsibility, they have created the situation and now need to deal with it. As a matter of urgency the whole family should have some counselling and the parents some help with parenting skills. I realise this all takes time, the GP needs to know how serious things have become. Nudejude you need to take a step back for your own sake and in the long term theirs. Teenagers need boundaries and parents will not be popular, it's so difficult when the hormones are raging.

First thing first, if you find yourself in that situation again, get everybody else to leave the room and don't physically interact at all. It is really dangerous ground and you could find yourself charged with assault if the neighbours had called the police. Slapping her to bring her to her senses is just not the answer. Violence never resolved violence without leaving resentment.

All of the adults need to learn not to shout back because all you are doing is raising the anxiety levels with all concerned. Just a quiet response is all that is needed. Other people shouldn't be getting involved because all you are showing your DGD is that the whole word is against her and she will be all the more emotional. I say this in all seriousness because my daughter was just the same as your DGD. I found that my frustration levels dissipated a little and although she was still as awkward, the rest of the house didn't go to rats. Think of it as a war situation, the bigger the posturing, the more people involved, the bloodier the conflict.

Secondly, your daughter needs to pick her battles carefully. Yes, nits spread and it is better to treat all the family at once but couldn't she have compromised? Teenagers need to learn to negotiate and it would be a great way of showing you are listening to her.

It sounds like your DGD has difficulty in managing her anger and it may be because she panics internally when she is in conflict. Start the process of getting her help again. Just because it failed once, it doesn't mean it will fail again. Maybe family therapy would help because, quite frankly, it sounds like the whole family need it. I found ringing MIND very helpful because they pointed us in the right direction.

If it sounds like I have no sympathy for your daughter, believe me, I do and I understand your need to help. However, it could be you are unwittingly undermining your daughter because you are giving a message that you need to step in because she can't cope. Maybe get some help for your daughter as to how to manage because I'd bet she's beating herself up as to where she went wrong.

I won't even suggest you try to get Dad on-side because it doesn't sound like he has been very helpful but Family Therapy could be extended to him too.

Interchange "you" for your DD where necessary!

Wow. What a situation !!

I'm going to be a little harsh and say - far too much pushing and sapping here for my liking.

I don't think this is a situation you can remedy. Your Daughter( no matter how tiny) and her Ex need to get on the same page and stand up to these girls.

There's no respect ( on either side by the sound of it) and as you no longer live round the corner its not up to you tro get it. Your daughter and her ex have helped create this situation and they are the only people who can regain control.

Good luck .

Bless you, its not meant to be your problem.
The parents need to have firm boundaries and they shouldn't give in to pester power. So easy to say!!
Hormones are raging and maybe jealousy is major. Lots of love and patience, and maybe asking what she feels makes her gets so reactionary.

I don't know what to say in general terms, but I suggest you get a good strong nit comb for your daughter. Daily combing (twice, as in morning and evening is even better) while there are head lice about will eventually clear an infestation without having to resort to chemical head treatments. Do it onto a white sheet or over the sink and then you can see if you've combed out any lice. Catching them before they lay more eggs is the trick but you have to keep doing it for a couple of weeks as eggs already there hatch.

I say this having done it successfully several times with Minibags while she was at primary school. She has thick, long hair and even though she made a fuss (understatement) when I brushed, combed or washed her hair normally, she willingly submitted to the nit comb.