I need a few suggestions please

I think that you are so lucky to live close to your daughter and her family, to be so involved with them, and to have such an important role in their lives. That is what families are for; if it isn't a financial burden why think about money? In this materialistic society many don't realise that your time is the biggest gift you can give. If money is a real problem for you then it is better to be assertive and upfront by saying how much you love helping out like this but could do with the occasional help with the fuel. It works best as a passing remark rather than as a complaint. Your daughter may be totally unaware that there is a problem, after all you are her mum and we are used to good mums looking after us!

Jane, like you we will be doing a 500 mile round trip on Friday to babysit for one night, all down to children in need as our S&DIL have to work into the small hours. We will return on Sunday morning. Never think of asking for petrol money.

gilly I was really thinking of it the other way round.
If someone asks me something directly, I'm happy to consider whatever it is and say yes or no accordingly.
However if someone drops veiled hints or mentions something in a roundabout way, the most likely result is that I haven't a clue what they really mean because I'm a bit dim and either ignore it or assume that if they want something they would ask me properly

im68now is not real/nice! I ferry/look after my GC loads for no fee... but my daughter often treats me to home made cakes, (my cooking is a disgrace,) help with various odd jobs etc so even tho money is never given I feel blessed for payments in kind. It suits us anyway so neither feels taken for granted.

It's not the money it's the time - I also travel long distances to assist with grandchildren but I wouldn't commit to every day for two hours that would cut into the others things I want to do in retirement.

Personally I would not ask unless paying for the extra fuel makes you struggle financially. If you can afford it just be pleased you see so much of your daughter and grandchildren. If money is very tight though can you introduce it tactfully? Maybe something along the lines of you are on a really tight budget now you are retired and if she could afford it would she give you a contribution towards the petrol as she suggested before she took the job on. She may assume you have no need for the money.

Maybe I am strange, well I already know I am but surely if one half of a couple can't afford petrol then neither of them can?

Asking my husband to help with petrol costs would be like asking him to help with paying the electricity bill or the food shopping Zorro21. I'm sorry I just don't understand "couples" who keep their finances totally separate.

Some people (like me) janeainsworth find the direct approach very difficult.

It's fine if you are that kind of person but some of us are not.

To those of you who think oldgoose should refrain from asking for payment please bear in mind that this sort of arrangement consists of far more than cost of petrol and a couple of hours a day. I undertake similar duties for my DIL on a paid basis and because of the commitment I can't arrange appointments that extend into the afternoon, tradesmen visits have to be the morning slot, no long weekends away in term time, etc etc. She may also need to be available in case of a child being off school sick, having an INSET day and so on (I do, but regard it as part of the deal we negotiated at the start of our arrangement). In term time her weekdays are not her own! This, to my mind, is definitely worth a financial recompense.

Everyone's circumstances are different and reading Izabella's post, if money is tight, then I think it's quite in order to point that out to the child's parents, after all grandparents' childcare is free, and no doubt, top quality We have just started looking after our grandchldren for a short while a couple of afternoons a week to fit in with their mother's working schedule, sometimes this involves picking the older one up from school and then giving them both their tea. Quite happy to do that we are near about five miles away and don't need to be reimbursed for petrol, but would not judge others for asking for a contribution. We've had to help our children financially from time to time, but we are fortunate we both inherited money from our own parents, some of which we have earmarked to help our kids and grandchildren, so long as it's used sensibly. It's getting the balance right really, everyone has their own idea of what is reasonable and how much of an input they are prepared to give without it impacting on their own life or finances. I have read posts on GN before where some sound really put upon and I sympathise with them. My perception is that this generation of grandparents do far more than previous generations, some happily and some under sufferance. The upside of a lot of involvement I guess is that it will bode well for a closer relationship.

I'm68 now - that is such an unpleasant comment to a person who is using this Forum just for advice. A lot of us don't have a lot of money and find petrol expensive. I'm going to visit my Mum soon, and although I feel bad about it, have asked my husband to contribute to my petrol costs, and I would also like to take her out or buy her a little present.

No further contact from OldGoose. My guess is that Im68Now put her off. Pity because most of the posts have been thoughtful and constructive.

oldgoose take no notice of rude people. Your relationship with your DD and DGCs sounds wonderful, and if I can apologise for being mushy, worth its weight in gold. I would enjoy every moment helping your DD and SiL.

I think it's best not to remind her about the petrol costs but if it's the logistics of coordinating collection of 3 children .... I might discuss that with your daughter. It sounds exhausting!

Our lovely daughters do take us a little for granted and don't seem to realise that we might just find it all enormously tiring.

But the petrol ...... Just not worth mentioning.

Our D and family live around the corner from us. We also see our GC regularly and have them for sleepovers. Never crossed my mind to seek financial recompense, though I realise that we are lucky not to need it. She often offers money if we're taking the kids out but I would always refuse. I say to her what mom said to me, "just passing it down the generations". Both our grown up kids have wonderful memories of time spent with their grandparents, so I'm hoping we're just repeating a positive circle. I think the difference maybe that we are fully aware of how grateful D and husband are for out love, interest and care of their kids. As with the OP, we also have a close relationship and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardise it. It's impossible to put a price on our relationship with both the parents and the grandchildren. Good luck with your decision making.

My Son and DIL were going through hard times, we all had them when we first set up home didn't we, so I offered to have the baby and she went out to work. I didn't mind because it was a way of helping them over the hump.

Now I am reaping my rewards as I have a very close relationship with my Grandson.

Ask for petrol money if it really is a problem, I don't think they will be upset. It depends how you ask. Tell them things are a bit tight for you at the moment, that should wake them up. They probably never gave it a second thought.

Oldgoose I don't think it's out of order for your DD to pay for your petrol. I am in a similar situation, in that they live close to me and I normal collect DGD 3 times per week. My daughter does, and always has, paid for my petrol which she knows would become a hardship if she didn't.
Sometimes I can be doing the school run 5 days a week or if DGD is ill, can have her all day and but the money remains a set amount.
Don't feel bad about dropping a few hints!

I agree with many of the posts on here - it does depend on individual circumstances. I have just had 10 months without a Driving Licence as DVLA refused to renew on Medical grounds. Thankfully I've now got it back, I need my car for shopping, Doctor's etc, Dentist & Hospital - an essential as I don't get my bus pass for another 5 years. Although we have a good bus service the bus stop is too far for me to walk & I find bus travel difficult. Whilst not being able to drive I used Volunteers for a lot of appointments (donations given) & help from DD.

My DD & I have an arrangement where we do contribute to each others petrol when necessary, I'm grateful for her help & she will require my help at times - we work out our respective finances & deal with each situation as it arises. I kept my car filled up with petrol as DD is Insured on it, so where possible we used it rather than DDs.

I could not afford to do daily childcare run & after school activities without some help with petrol if the need arises, occcassionally is ok. I would gently approach you DD as petrol prices are on the rise again. Good luck

The day I get money from my kids, I will faint. When my DD was not coping well with first baby, we put a S.O in place of £35 a month to pay for a cleaner. It is still in place 11 years later. My DH wants it cancelled, but I haven't the heart.

One thing that has surprised me on this thread is the number of posters advocating bringing up the subject by means of oblique references and hint-dropping.
Isn't a direct approach more likely to have the desired effect and less likely to lead to misunderstandings?

It depends entirely on your circumstances and your DD's I think oldgoose.
If you are living on a small pension and a tight budget then you should drop it into the conversation about petrol prices etc.
But if you are relatively well off and your DD is struggling (she won't be well paid and also wants to take more qualifications) plus the cost of bringing up 3 children, then I think I'd just forget about it.
She may be hoping that you forget she ever said it

I think you should say something, it may be a small amount but if it is five days a week it adds up. The commercial rate for mileage reimbursement is 40p a mile, you could suggest 20p. (My car does about 11 miles a litre which works out at about 10p a mile, but there is also wear and tear etc which is worse on short journeys). So if it is say, 2 miles to school and back, it would cost her £2 a week. She might think this is such a small amount that it is not worth bothering about, whereas to someone on a pension it could make a difference.

I hope you can find a way to mention it lightheartedly, she might be put out at first but then get over it. There is of course the risk that she will be really put out and ask a friend to help out instead, or pick up the children so that you don''t have to. Is it too far for them (and you) to walk, at least in the summer?

X'd posts Hicaz your situation sounds not unlike ours at the time

I don't think old goose expressed any resentment st all! Straightforward question for possibly a sensitive area. I think you will know, old goose whether your DD's circumstances allow her to give you something towards petrol, or whether you have chosen to help out financially as well as practically. Everybody's circumstances are different in our case DD and SIL both had highly paid jobs and we were living on my very small pension plus ESA for DH at the time. I could have found the extra £100 a month and clearly would have if money had been an issue for them but it wasn't, they offered, I accepted graciously but that doesn't make me penny pinching. I also did assorted chickenpox granny daycare duties and I vividly remember a mercy dash back to nursery from home almost immediately after getting back one week because DD and SIL (both away from the office at conferences) couldn't be reached by phone and DGS was poorly, so that day I did 225 miles, but that's what grannies do! And willingly.