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I need a few suggestions please

(162 Posts)
oldgoose Tue 15-Nov-16 14:17:10

I am very close to my daughter in all ways. She lives around the corner with hubby and 3 children and we speak to or see each other every single day. We share such a lot, we have the same sense of humour, we enjoy the same books, we are on the same wavelength.
I retired earlier this year and my daughter got herself a job at the after-school club at the school he youngest child goes to. We both agreed it was a good move for both of us. She would have a bit of income of her own, she could try to take a teaching diploma, which she abandoned when pregnant with child number one. It was agreed that I would fetch the children from school and then take them back home where we would until my son-in-law arrived home to give them a meal and get them ready for bed. I leave my house at 3pm and am usually home by 5pm. My daughter said at the start that she would give me a little petrol money as I collect the children in the car and having retired, any little money helps. However she has been doing the job for over 6 months now and I havn't been given or offered any money. Do I have the right to feel a bit miffed.?
I love my Grandchildren to the moon and back and babysit quite often and have them for sleepovers. There isn't anyone else she can really ask, so I am happy to help out when I can.
I do want to ask what has happened to our arrangement, but firstly I don't know how to say it, and secondly, does anyone think I am being mercenary for asking?

janeainsworth Tue 15-Nov-16 14:21:31

How far is the school from your home - how much petrol do you use a week would you say?
I would just let it go. Perhaps when your DD offered you petrol money she thought you would say that of course it didn't matter.

janeainsworth Tue 15-Nov-16 14:26:12

Just to put my comment into context, I have a 500 mile round trip to babysit one set of DGCs and a 7000 mile round trip to babysit the other lot.
I wouldn't dream of asking for, or accepting, a financial contribution!

whitewave Tue 15-Nov-16 14:31:17

It's a tendency for ones offspring to be a tad thoughtless like that. We were just the same when we looked after out two GSs (they are too old now) but Mum and Dad (us) trooped around and spent time and money including holidays away with no offer of cash. It is how it is. Quite honestly if we couldn't afford to do it to the extent it meant not looking after them, I think we would have said.

whitewave Tue 15-Nov-16 14:32:32

7000 miles, blimey where to you go -Australia? A long way to do the odd bit of babysittinggrin

janeainsworth Tue 15-Nov-16 14:42:06

Washington DC sad

Lindill49 Tue 15-Nov-16 14:47:13

If you can possibly afford it I would let it go. I remember I put on my dear mum quite a bit with no thought of payment - it's how it is. I think the younger generation need all the financial help they can get these days - we had it easy. All my spare money goes to the DGC these days - I've done everything and got everything I need. Just be thankful for the relationship you have with your DD & DGC - many would love to be in your position.

tanith Tue 15-Nov-16 14:49:32

Just a suggestion but could you not walk the children too and fro if its a local school it can't be too far. At least it would save you the petrol money and give you a nice chance to chat and catch up with the kids as well as being good for everyone.

thatbags Tue 15-Nov-16 14:49:41

I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation if one's on a low income and especially not if one's daughter offered it. Would she have done that if oldgoose were well off or did she make the offer in the knowledge that a little cash to help with expenses would be very welcome.

For regular help I think payment also puts the arrangement on a more formal, businesslike footing, which could be handy. When I bought a car from my brother, which I was going to pay for in instalments, he produced a formal agreement that we both signed. It probably wasn't necessary but it wasn't a bad idea either.

There are so many posts on gransnet about grans feeling out upon by their offspring.

Sorry I can't suggest how you mention it, oldgoose. Good luck.

thatbags Tue 15-Nov-16 14:50:24

put upon

mumofmadboys Tue 15-Nov-16 14:58:10

I would be wary of mentioning it because you don't want to spoil a good relationship. However if you are short of money and petrol money would make a difference I would be upfront and ask her for a contribution. Let us know what you decide.

kittylester Tue 15-Nov-16 15:04:45

I think it depends on the costs involved and the financial position of both parties

I drive 20 miles there and 20 miles back once a week to collect 2 dgc from school, give them tea, drive them to any after school stuff if necessary, feed the cat etc. I value doing it as I get to spend time with the gc.

But, I can afford the petrol and the matter has never been raised. The other grandma does the same and, although she is much worse off financially, she doesn't get any contribution either although she does ask us for a lift if we are all going over for some event.

I suppose it depends how much you value seeing the dgc, although I wouldn't like to be tied to doing it daily.

J52 Tue 15-Nov-16 15:28:05

Maybe you could suggest that she filled your car up with petrol once in a while.

I happily lend my car to DSs, once in a while. Right from the start said tat it had to be returned with a full tank, regardless of what was in it at the start. It worked!
But only one of them gets it washed and valeted. And it's not the better of one!

J52 Tue 15-Nov-16 15:30:32

Oh dear, that, off !

janeainsworth Tue 15-Nov-16 15:31:16

The OP said she lives round the corner from her DD so I am guessing that the school is not more than two miles away. Obviously it could be a lot more or a lot less.
Cost of a gallon of petrol around £5.
Suppose the car does 30 miles per gallon.
That means assuming 1 round trip of 4 miles a day the petrol is going to cost about £4 a week.
I know that over the course of a school year this mounts up, but I suspect this isn't so
much about the money as perhaps the OP feeling taken for granted.

Candlefran Tue 15-Nov-16 15:41:58

I don't think it's worth asking for money. You are just using your car as part of your daily life. Hopefully there is a biscuit or two and a cuppa waiting for you when you get back to the children's house. Just enjoy.

Im68Now Tue 15-Nov-16 16:46:41

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Luckygirl Tue 15-Nov-16 16:59:29

Personally I would just let it ride - but then I can afford the petrol. If you too can afford it I would say nowt and just continue to enjoy the GC and the good relationship you have with your DD. I am sure that it has just slipped her mind, but it sounds as if you have a lovely relationship and it is not worth rocking that boat for a few pounds. You are a lucky lady.

NonnaW Tue 15-Nov-16 17:41:12

A tad unkind Im68now, you don't know the OPs circumstances

Im68Now Tue 15-Nov-16 17:50:10

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gillybob Tue 15-Nov-16 17:56:11

I guess it depends if you need the money or not oldgoose. I do a lot of running around for the grandchildren including several school runs a week, football, brownies etc. I haven't sat and added it all up but I would think you are looking at (easily) around a 100 miles a week. I am not well off at all but wouldn't dream of asking for petrol money unless I REALLY needed it.

So if you can afford to pay for the petrol then I would carry on doing so and if you are struggling then maybe drop a few hints on the lines of "I used to get by on £10 worth of petrol a week but recently......." smile

oldgoose Tue 15-Nov-16 18:19:11

Im68now - well, thanks for that. I didn't say I would actually ask, just thought I'd run it past a few people.
The general thought seems to be to leave it . I'm not pleading poverty, and yes I run a car. The journey isn't that far, but I have to use the car in order to get home to wait for my grand-daughter who goes to special school and comes home on the school bus so I have to rush around to the 2 schools and then get home in time for number 3.
I'll just shut up then - good grief, I only asked.

Anya Tue 15-Nov-16 18:30:08

That post was just plain rude, again.

DaphneBroon Tue 15-Nov-16 18:31:23

Bl**dy rude Im68now
When DGS was nearly 1,and DD went back to work she didn't want him to have too many long days in nursery (8-6, days a week) so we arranged that I would drive the 75 miles up to them once a week, collect him mid afternoon, take him to their house, do playtime, teatime , bathtime and bedtime , occasionally SIL could be back to do some of that, especially the story! ) so that she could put in a late afternoon/evening at the office. The next morning she would leave by 7.30 or earlier to be at her desk before 8, and I would get DGS dressed, do breakfast, take him to nursery after the rush and then tidy my stuff up at theirs and drive home in time to collect DH from his weekly blood test at the health centre by lunchtime. We were living on my pension only and money was tight so I accepted graciously when she offered a contribution to my petrol and also bought a car seat to keep in our car for DGS to use. I would have done it anyway out of love, but as it was costing £20+ per week for petrol , her offer made a difference.
Nobody has the right to accuse anybody of being "tight", and clearly old goose's DD has forgotten , but how to remind her? Bite the bullet and say "Do you remember....." or grin and bear the cost.

grannypiper Tue 15-Nov-16 18:36:54

imnow68 was there any need for that ? And just what type of person do you think the OP is ?