I need a few suggestions please

When I looked after my grand children on a regular basis for 2 days a week, taking them to and from school etc and staying overnight (They lived 80 miles away meaning 160 mile round trip) my daughter paid my petrol money and if I took them out she paid entrance fees etc. This is what she did for the paid ' nanny' who looked after them on the other 3 days. This only lasted for a year and of course any other times when asked for normal babysitting happily did it with no thought of petrol money. I would drop it in to conversation oldgoose perhaps mentioning how much petrol has gone up recently.

Candelle. - I was taken on holiday by DD and SIL when 1st GS was 18 months. One morning I woke to hear a wide awake small boy. I was pleased at the opportunity to spend time alone with him and thought that his parents might like a lie in. I got him changed and up and we sat having breakfast in the sun.
Later, from a window above, I heard SiL's voice ''If your mother is going to do that she can come on holiday with us anytime!"
And there was I treasuring the time alone with GS!

Having bad day, 68? Old goose only asked, assuming she might get thoughtful reactions.
Maybe your day will improve.
How old do we have to be to qualify to be patronised as old folks?

I don't think you will find many hands thrown up in horror Izabella. It is money that is tight, not grandparents' sphincter muscles. Those who can afford to fill up their cars with petrol wothout blinking will continue to do so, those who can't will accept a bit of cash support as they deliver and collect on a regular basis.

Ignore the jibes of the very few who have a habit of making nasty remarks, it probably comes from some deep-seated trauma. Someone weaned too early and has since always resened the generation older than them?

Could the real issue is resentment at being taken for granted? We babysit and drive a round trip of nearly thirty miles once or so a week plus added trips out for after-school activities of another fifteen miles.

We have never been offered payment but we are asked out for restaurant meals and have been offered a weekend away. These gestures remove the 'taken for granted' portion of the babysitting request which I think I could otherwise feel. Some young couples do take their parents for granted in the baby-sitting stakes - I have heard of some poor grandparents who are full-time nannies which I consider to be not on.

I realise my comments do not address the coffers problem and my take on that is that the OP should bring the subject up obliquely and say something along the lines of 'gosh, isn't petrol dear now'/'they've put petrol prices up again/they've reduced the price of petrol, that'll help me quite a bit', etc. Personally I would not ask directly but hope the OP's family realise her circumstances. Unfortunately young couples are rush rush rush and my suggested comments may fall on deaf ears but it would be worth a try.

Of course we all love and enjoy spending time with our grandchildren so perhaps we should be paying their parents for giving us the opportunity to do so...? Sorry, couldn't resist (naughty Candelle).

Once a week I meet the children from school (round trip 40 miles) and then take one of them off to a class a further 13 miles away and home again, give them tea and put them to bed. When my DD asked about the class, I said I would be happy to do it, but might need a bit of petrol money. It is only £8 a week in petrol I guess, but when you budget tightly, it can make a bit of a hole. Nothing happened for a few weeks, and then my DD announced that she had transferred £40 to my bank account for the petrol. That has happened once more over the course of a year. I consider that fair enough, but if no more was forthcoming, I might comment that I would need to stop off for petrol to get home, and didn't have my credit cards with me, could she help me out?

Again a few assumptions that all grandparents 'can do'. We do have a car but every trip has to be evaluated. We usually either walk, cycle or use a bus pass. The car is reserved for heavy shopping and hospital visits as there is no easy bus route. My GS is not in the area but if they were nearer there is no way I could (nor be expected to) fetch and carry without remuneration. I am sorry there will be those of you throwing hands up in horror I know. Our car is over 15 years old and when it dies, that will be it. We no long have buses through our village so the future transport wise is pretty grim for us whichever way we look at it.

This post has just made me realised how much I took my parent's help for granted when my children were small. They were constantly up and down to London from the Kent coast to help us out, and then when they moved closer, my Dad used to do a 32 mile round trip twice a week to babysit while I worked (I used a child minder for 2 days).

They weren't badly off, and we struggled a bit, so it never occurred to me to offer them petrol money. (Maybe I should have? though I don't think they would have taken it).

I think that the financial circumstances of each couple are very relevant here. I don't think the OP is a bad person for asking for opinions as, after all, she was originally promised the money.

At least we all know what kind of person Im68now is....someone none of us would like to speak to?
The OP asked a very reasonable and interesting question. Some great suggestions given.
My opinion......maybe start a conversation about money and how you're managing on a restricted income. See if this triggers any comments. Maybe daughter would remember her offer? If not, you could ask how she is managing financially and steer the discussion back to you. How far you take this would depend on how much you need the monetary help and how much it's concerning you.
If you decide not to pursue it, you must stop thinking about it and consider the topic sorted.
Thanks for starting a stimulating discussion which I'm sure many other readers will emphasise with.

It's the question that's difficult no matter how close you are. We looked after our GC till they went to school and got paid for it ? without asking. Once they went to school, the pay stopped though we dropped off, picked up and fed our GC after school, until my husband was ill. When my daughter had to do it herself, she suddenly realised how much it was costing us so when we could do it again she paid us without asking. If it's on your mind you could try the suggestion about mentioning how petrol prices have risen. Better that than letting it fester. It's not being tight or greedy and just for the record, though not well off, I run a car and don't always need the money. The other advantage is that I can put the money away for the increasingly expensive presents.

I can appreciate everyone's take on the situation. I'm also now collecting my granddaughter from school now that Daughter has started a new job. I am using fuel that I would not be using in the normal way and I'm only in receipt of Carers Allowance, unable to find part-time work and not entitled to retire until I reach the age of 66!

I do feel that, if the cost of expenses was mentioned at the outset maybe a gentle reminder "Do you recall you suggested paying me something towards the cost of petrol?".

Whilst my daughter and son-in-law's finances aren't great, neither are those of mine and my husband's and it is wrong to take for granted 'help' which was actually requested of you in the first place.

I expect she is not earning a great deal. I would try and do without the money because as it has been said before, she can help you in other ways. But if needed why not ask her to say put in £20 worth of petrol maybe once a month.

I am and have been at both sides of this debate. We have being doing a 160 mile round trip once a week including an overnight stay to look after our grandchildren. We have never asked for payment as it is our way of keeping in touch with the two families.
My own mother used to charge me foe looking after our children and at full rate. I guess todays equivalent would be about £40 per child. I know it took a good proportion of my salary. I couldn't really send them to nursery as my work pattern was irregular. i was a supply teacher. I would have been happy to pay expenses but really resent it now as I feel she extorted money out of me.

Take the long term view. At the moment your daughter needs the help & you see the grandchildren. Mine are now grown & out in the world and I rely on my daughter to help me get to hospital visits etc etc. and assist with an infirm granpa. It's a restriction on her life as helping with the grandchildren once was on mine. Sometimes a simple "Thank you" means much more than anything thing else.

A lot will depend I think on how much you could do with, or actually need, the extra money.

We regularly go 60 miles each way to do childcare but we can afford the petrol, and dd/SiL's expenses (mortgage and other childcare) are far greater than ours so I wouldn't dream of asking.
But if we were hard up and the petrol was a real issue, then I probably would.

My daughter has gone back to work in a high management role which is very well paid. She leaves the house early and returns between 6 -7pm and at the start she said she would need childcare which would cost her a lot of money.Her husband works away from home regularly so cannot be relied on for childcare all the time. I have only my state pension to live on and so we came to an agreement that she would pay me -- less than she would have to pay a registered childminder - but an amount she could happily afford to know the children were with me and safe and loved. This has worked really well for both of us.
I would suggest that if you have a great relationship with your daughter - ask her how the arrangement is working from her point of view and hope she does the same. You could then say how much you love the interaction with your grandchildren and being part of their day but petrol costs have eaten into your fixed income a little.

If you don't need the money, oldgoose, then let it go...never to be thought of again. If the petrol money would be a great help then you must bring the subject up in the best way. You have a good relationship with your daughter so this should be easy. It could be your daughter has so many things going on she could have this in the back of her mind too and is waiting for an opportunity to discuss. Discuss (you have made the first step here), approach, resolve and put it to bed. Then put your feet up and relax with your favourite tipple (tea?!) knowing you are doing a great job for your family.
Enjoy!

Snap I also have 1 grandson (26) and one granddaughter (12) living in Virginia, beautiful place to visit, we have been doing this journey for 18 years, although since DH retired we go for 4 weeks at a time.

Take no notice Oldgoose. You get some very nice people on forums and you also get others whose brash comments can upset. Running a car is an expensive business and can make things tight. I can see may be one day if I have to rely on just my pension I will be eating baked beans to keep the car. No bus service to speak of here. So just because someone has a car it doesn't mean they can afford it. The fact the money was offered and agreed probably irks more than anything as can make us feel taken for granted. Unfortunately that seems to go with the territory of having children. You have a great relationship with your daughter and if you can do without the money I would bite my tongue. However if money is tight and you need it she should understand if you bring the subject up at the appropriate time. Should she feel a bit miffed at you asking she will soon get over it as you have such a great relationship.

Dear oldgoose,

you should be able to ask a question and have empathic feedback, so don't worry about asking, you did the right thing. You want to participate in the forums!

I am thinking you could tell your daughter you love your grandbabies so much it would hurt you if you couldn't do it anymore because you don't have enough gas in the car. And you don't want that to happen, perhaps she could give you her thoughts on how it all could work out still. If she doesn't offer money, you could cut down the days you can pick them up. My granddaughters are all the way in America, so I pay thousands in airfare to see them, no one cares that I do it, spend thousands. When I can't afford it I just don't go. Maybe if you cut down your help to what you can afford your daughter would see it would be better to pay you gas money than paying a childminder to pick up the kids. Good luck to you you sound like a good grandma, I don't know I if I could pick them up everyday!! you are a star!

I'm appalled at all these judgemental comments. Of course the daughter should make some tangible gesture of appreciation- even asking her mum over for a meal now and then would be something. Many of us need our cars for all kinds of reasons, and that doesn't indicate we are well off. Petrol is not cheap as it is in the US and some of us have to budget very strictly to be able to afford enough each week.

To broach the subject, Daphne Brown's suggestion is good- bring up the context to remind the daughter of the original offer before asking if there is a problem in helping. I've had the same treatment from one daughter who is much much better off than me- an offer of help never followed through and other rudenesses. I keep wanting to say "You weren't brought up like that" (and she wasn't). Very difficult when one wants to keep in touch with the grandchildren.

Sounds a bit formal to me....I would just say to my kids got some petrol money duckie, I'm a bit skint'.........it is OK to ask you know. GP are not a service resource just ask, it must be a bit of n issue with you if you have been thinking on it for 6 months.....

To me the issue of whether or not you can afford it isn't the point.
If she offered to pay for the petrol she should honour it. I know it's hard for young people these days but letting them get away with breaking an agreement teaches them nothing. Too many of them just expect their parents to step in and look after their children for no return. If the Gps enjoy it and can afford to do it and that is the agreement fair enough.
I'd gently remind her.

I think sometimes having a good relationship can actually make it harder to talk about things like this, because you want to maintain that relationship. Maybe another tack could be to suggest that, instead of rushing off home, you stay for a meal with DDs family once or twice a week? That should balance out the cost of the petrol that you use for collecting the children.

Having read all your responses, and from my own experiences, I can understand how much it costs to care for our lovely grandchildren. It is not just looking after them - we visit places, have play days with other children, go shopping, etc. We feed them and can't resist buying them clothes and toys (I have a playroom again). Young people work because they need the money so I have never asked for anything although I do need to use my car to transport DG around and back home. I think it would change the relationship I have if I felt I was doing a job, but each case is different and if the parents are fortunate enough to be able to reimburse travel, etc., I can't see a problem in having this monetary help. However, if there is a chance it would alter your relationship with your daughter I would think twice about asking or taking anything.