Gransnet forums

Grandparenting

I need a few suggestions please

(163 Posts)
oldgoose Tue 15-Nov-16 14:17:10

I am very close to my daughter in all ways. She lives around the corner with hubby and 3 children and we speak to or see each other every single day. We share such a lot, we have the same sense of humour, we enjoy the same books, we are on the same wavelength.
I retired earlier this year and my daughter got herself a job at the after-school club at the school he youngest child goes to. We both agreed it was a good move for both of us. She would have a bit of income of her own, she could try to take a teaching diploma, which she abandoned when pregnant with child number one. It was agreed that I would fetch the children from school and then take them back home where we would until my son-in-law arrived home to give them a meal and get them ready for bed. I leave my house at 3pm and am usually home by 5pm. My daughter said at the start that she would give me a little petrol money as I collect the children in the car and having retired, any little money helps. However she has been doing the job for over 6 months now and I havn't been given or offered any money. Do I have the right to feel a bit miffed.?
I love my Grandchildren to the moon and back and babysit quite often and have them for sleepovers. There isn't anyone else she can really ask, so I am happy to help out when I can.
I do want to ask what has happened to our arrangement, but firstly I don't know how to say it, and secondly, does anyone think I am being mercenary for asking?

ajanela Wed 16-Nov-16 09:56:59

The Elephant in the room. This is spoiling the relationship. Better say what you are thinking than let it fester.

How? That's a problem. How about starting a conversation about the cost of running your car and how much you spend on petrol. That's a normal conversation we all have. I don't think you are being mean at all, sometimes our family don't realise what a tight budget we have. Also it limits what you can do if you have the commitment of picking up the children

Allegra22 Wed 16-Nov-16 09:56:23

Old goose I do hope you ignore the very unpleasant posts from iam68now. That person seems like exactly the type I'd run a mile to avoid.
Since you started this arrangement with your daughter on the basis of her contributing to costs I would light heartedly raise the subject with her by asking if there's any chance she feels she could add to the coffers in any way if there's any pennies going spare. I wouldn't hesitate to ask my daughter if I felt she could afford it and I know she'd want to if she could.

Shazmo24 Wed 16-Nov-16 09:45:57

If you have a good relationship with your DO then speak to her about it...

Granarchist Tue 15-Nov-16 22:36:14

I think the point is that originally your daughter offered to pay for petrol but has not stumped up. So I think it is fine to gently introduce the subject. "Any chance you could give me a little something for the fuel now I'm not earning - it would help enormously" nothing confrontational.

Christinefrance Tue 15-Nov-16 21:12:38

Old goose don't get this out of proportion, 68 likes to be challenging ( tactful ). Speak to your daughter before it becomes a big issue, be honest about your finances and ask for help with petrol costs

Elegran Tue 15-Nov-16 20:45:10

But Iam68now, a large proportion of GN members are exactly the type of person you want to avoid - very fond of their children and grandchildren and happy to do things for them, despite having less stamina than they used to enjoy, but without limitless supplies of cash.

Deedaa Tue 15-Nov-16 20:43:02

When I retired to look after GS1 full time DD did give me money to make up for what I was losing (She was in full time work so the money wasn't a problem) Now I just collect the hooligans after school she doesn't pay me, but she does pay if we go out for lunch or to the theatre.

Grannyben Tue 15-Nov-16 20:22:11

Old goose, firstly I do hope you don't take the slightest notice of Im68Now. I think have noticed previous comments,on other posts, from this person and they always seem to be rather spiteful.
Now, I am on a very tight budget but then so are my DD and sil. I would therefore never expect or accept payment for looking after my dgs whilst they are at work. After reading so many sad stories I am so very grateful to be a part of their lives and we all muddle through together. If you can afford it, I would day smile and say nothing.

Jalima Tue 15-Nov-16 18:58:55

We've never asked for any contributions towards petrol, taking them out, but then they invite us round for meals, DIL will get the coffees if we are out together so it's swings and roundabouts.
We don't have the outgoings now that they do so I've never thought to ask for any contributions.
I suppose it depends how tight your budget is.

br0adwater Tue 15-Nov-16 18:55:17

Im68Now, that was not just rude but deliberately spiteful. I expect that I'm also the type of person you're happier to be far away from. What a shameful way to talk.

Oldgoose, if you're still following this thread, my thought would be to find a way to discuss this with your daughter. You say you're close so I can't think she'd take offence. Start by telling her how much you're enjoying retirement with the extra time it allows for being with the children but that money can be a bit tight. Perhaps if she's started the teaching course now, she too is feeling the pinch and is embarrassed that she can't keep her promise of making a contribution to the costs you're incurring. It's still early days in this arrangement so will be easier to raise now than leaving it too long. Good luck.

aggie Tue 15-Nov-16 18:48:16

How do you turn off predictive text on kindle fire ?

aggie Tue 15-Nov-16 18:42:44

I know68 seems the type I avoid

grannypiper Tue 15-Nov-16 18:36:54

imnow68 was there any need for that ? And just what type of person do you think the OP is ?

DaphneBroon Tue 15-Nov-16 18:31:23

Bl**dy rude Im68now
When DGS was nearly 1,and DD went back to work she didn't want him to have too many long days in nursery (8-6, days a week) so we arranged that I would drive the 75 miles up to them once a week, collect him mid afternoon, take him to their house, do playtime, teatime , bathtime and bedtime , occasionally SIL could be back to do some of that, especially the story! ) so that she could put in a late afternoon/evening at the office. The next morning she would leave by 7.30 or earlier to be at her desk before 8, and I would get DGS dressed, do breakfast, take him to nursery after the rush and then tidy my stuff up at theirs and drive home in time to collect DH from his weekly blood test at the health centre by lunchtime. We were living on my pension only and money was tight so I accepted graciously when she offered a contribution to my petrol and also bought a car seat to keep in our car for DGS to use. I would have done it anyway out of love, but as it was costing £20+ per week for petrol , her offer made a difference.
Nobody has the right to accuse anybody of being "tight", and clearly old goose's DD has forgotten , but how to remind her? Bite the bullet and say "Do you remember....." or grin and bear the cost.

Anya Tue 15-Nov-16 18:30:08

That post was just plain rude, again.

oldgoose Tue 15-Nov-16 18:19:11

Im68now - well, thanks for that. I didn't say I would actually ask, just thought I'd run it past a few people.
The general thought seems to be to leave it . I'm not pleading poverty, and yes I run a car. The journey isn't that far, but I have to use the car in order to get home to wait for my grand-daughter who goes to special school and comes home on the school bus so I have to rush around to the 2 schools and then get home in time for number 3.
I'll just shut up then - good grief, I only asked.

gillybob Tue 15-Nov-16 17:56:11

I guess it depends if you need the money or not oldgoose. I do a lot of running around for the grandchildren including several school runs a week, football, brownies etc. I haven't sat and added it all up but I would think you are looking at (easily) around a 100 miles a week. I am not well off at all but wouldn't dream of asking for petrol money unless I REALLY needed it.

So if you can afford to pay for the petrol then I would carry on doing so and if you are struggling then maybe drop a few hints on the lines of "I used to get by on £10 worth of petrol a week but recently......." smile

Im68Now Tue 15-Nov-16 17:50:10

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NonnaW Tue 15-Nov-16 17:41:12

A tad unkind Im68now, you don't know the OPs circumstances

Luckygirl Tue 15-Nov-16 16:59:29

Personally I would just let it ride - but then I can afford the petrol. If you too can afford it I would say nowt and just continue to enjoy the GC and the good relationship you have with your DD. I am sure that it has just slipped her mind, but it sounds as if you have a lovely relationship and it is not worth rocking that boat for a few pounds. You are a lucky lady.

Im68Now Tue 15-Nov-16 16:46:41

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Candlefran Tue 15-Nov-16 15:41:58

I don't think it's worth asking for money. You are just using your car as part of your daily life. Hopefully there is a biscuit or two and a cuppa waiting for you when you get back to the children's house. Just enjoy.

janeainsworth Tue 15-Nov-16 15:31:16

The OP said she lives round the corner from her DD so I am guessing that the school is not more than two miles away. Obviously it could be a lot more or a lot less.
Cost of a gallon of petrol around £5.
Suppose the car does 30 miles per gallon.
That means assuming 1 round trip of 4 miles a day the petrol is going to cost about £4 a week.
I know that over the course of a school year this mounts up, but I suspect this isn't so
much about the money as perhaps the OP feeling taken for granted.

J52 Tue 15-Nov-16 15:30:32

Oh dear, that, off !

J52 Tue 15-Nov-16 15:28:05

Maybe you could suggest that she filled your car up with petrol once in a while.

I happily lend my car to DSs, once in a while. Right from the start said tat it had to be returned with a full tank, regardless of what was in it at the start. It worked!
But only one of them gets it washed and valeted. And it's not the better of one!