Grandsons dad seems to be drifting away.

What about the other set of grandparents? Have they never asked for contact with your little grandson? I always made it very clear to my boys that any relationship that produced a child meant a lifelong commitment from them and from us. I would never have abandoned a grandchild. It's beyond my understanding. I've been in the position of not being allowed access by my daughters waste of space partner. When he realised he couldn't control her through the children he simply abandoned them.We played the long game and picked up the pieces, but what I don't get is his family just lost interest and never contacted her boys again. To be honest it made life easier but that's not the point. I also have a step granddaughter (I find it hard to use that phrase we never ever say or even think of her as anything but ours) who's mother was abandoned before the birth. She was never acknowledged by any of the family even though they lived on the same street as them. Well it's been their loss she's just the most beautiful loving girl who given us great joy and we love her more than words could say. At 15/ 16 she insisted on being adopted by my son so she could share our name. We always say this son has four children because he has, just as we have 8 grandchildren. All loved and treated equally. I know this grandparenting business can be hard work nora I've given up longing for an orderly home. I feel as if I've been standing on bits of lego since 1976 but really it's worth it. All that wonderful love and mess.

Gosh, I'm in tears reading all these stories. I can never understand how anyone can neglect their own children, knowing how much I love mine with all my heart. I now have a beautiful granddaughter of 2 years 5 months (my only grandchild so far) who I love so much and she is adored by everyone.

My own father left home when I was 7, the youngest of 3 children. I had a brother and sister. He went off with someone and had two daughters with her. After 10 years they parted and he then married an American woman and they did not have children. So he had 5 children he never saw. He was married to the American woman for over 30 years.

He never paid any maintenance and it was really hard for my mum, and we didn't have much in the way of money or possessions, but were rich in love. We never saw him after he left, until my sister traced him and he came and visited for a couple of weeks. This was 35 years after he left!

My mother and him were like chalk and cheese and just not suited to each other, but that is no excuse for cutting us out of his life. They were too young when they got together, he was only 20 when my brother was born and was 2 years younger than my mother (it was a shotgun wedding!) I often wonder if they would have married if my mum hadn't been pregnant. It was 1947 then, so very different from what things are like nowadays.

I've seen both types, My ex was useless and did very little, but I'm proud of my DS who has kept a great relationship with his son. I think he realised how much a dad is needed. My own dad was great when my son's were young and did many of the dad things with them. They still talk about the games they played with grandad and he died 14 years ago. Some men are useless some men are great.

I don't agree with you Nanna58. DH drives over 280 miles every weekend to collect the children on Saturday and return them on Sunday. We also go to every open evening, class assembly, etc. even if the event only lasts a few minutes. If the event is in the morning we have to leave home at 6am to make sure we get through the traffic to arrive in time.

I used to live on a really rough council estate where the lads in their teens and early twenties were tough but every weekend you would see them pushing buggies and discussing the merits of Barbie with their little girls and mates. These were the type of lads that the media would have us believe get girls pregnant then walk away.

There are dads who walk and don't care but a lot more fight tooth and nail and do whatever it takes to see their children.

Nanna58 I think you are very wrong,there are as many great dads as mums , and loads of men who would love to be allowed to see more of their children are denied access,my son has at least three friends in the situation where they are having to go to court to see their children,there are a lot of spiteful young women out there too,who if they dont get their own way make life very difficult for their ex partners/childrens fathers.I dont like to generalise ,ever,about people ,but I have seen this from the young fathers side and I see a constant hand out for cash ,hundreds of pounds for christmas presents,birthday parties ,the last one involved 15 kids and ponies and cost a fortune,and of course the yearly cry of she needs clothes ofr her holidays so another few hundred pounds ,this despite him having the child the same number of days as the mum,providing her with clothes shoes toys etc while she's with him ,AND paying a weekly sum to her mother.Some girls really need to look at reality BEFORE they have kids ,but then they repeat the same mistake over and over again.At least my son has been sensible in the 7 years since they split and there are no other little ones to be held to ransom over .

Your daughter is lucky to have a mum and role model like you. Some may disagree but I truly don't think that men , in the main, have it in them to make the same calibre of parent as women do.

All I can add is that I have a friend who insisted when their child was very young that he took his turn in child care after they were separated. The boy child is now in his 20s but his mum said that her insisting his dad had him as a small child has resulted in the boy and father having a close relationship.

Legs55
Don't worry my husband gets his own back almost every night......snoring till the windows rattle. Think I'll give those ear defenders a try!!!!
Many thanks to everyone for your words of wisdom & support. ?

Could it be that he is trying to please the new girlfriend who will not want her social life cramped by a toddler? It may change when he moves on again.
Try not to stress about it. If he doesn't want contct it's his loss but sadly also your grandson's until he is old enough to know what's really going on.

My DD's father left me when she was 4 (for an older woman!!!!), he was bad at contact but I refused to say a bad word about him. I got Custody of DD & was awarded 5p a year for her - I didn't want anything but Solicitor advised an order for maintenance as it could always be increased - never asked for or received a penny.

Contact remained sporadic - when I met DH we moved 250 miles South, she was never fully reconciled with him even when he was dying from cancer, she viewed my DH as a father & adored him

Norah little you can do, sounds like you're doing a fantastic job of supporting your family - buy your DH a pair of ear defenders when you fancy a rant (tongue firmly in cheek)

Norah, if it was my SIL I would be glad to see the back of him! I know he should help out, but he obviously is not interested, who is the loser here?

He sounds like a selfish piece of work who only thinks of himself. How you can be like that when a child needs you I do not know.

Think of all the lovely times you have together with your little grandson and be thankful. Some grandmas out there would be more than happy to be able to spend whole days with their grandchildren. Be happy in the knowledge that your GS will grow up knowing he has at least one person who loves him without question ie YOU!

my son has his daughter half of each week ,they stay with us since he and her mother split when the wee one was 18 months ,SHE was seeing someone else behind his back while he worked 70 hours a week to keep them,she didn't want to go back to work ,but she didn't want to do anything other than sit on her rearend every day and he did the housework and looked after the baby when he finished his shifts.It happens BOTH ways ,my son was so distraught when the relationship ended he tried to commit suicide ,it took a long time for him to stop feeling he had failed his family ,and last year he met a lovely girl who adores his daughter and they are talking about getting a place together .I feel sad about the number of girls left to fend for themselves but I wonder why they dont stop at ONE baby if they're on their own .Its not hard to see that it will be more difficult with more children .

Norah551 - you sound like a truly marvellous mother and grandmother and all round good egg of a human being. I think Gransnet is a good place to vent and know that others will sympathise.

Some men find it impossible to put the kids first when the relationship ends. My on met a woman when he was 16, she had 2 children and they then had 2 more of their own. 24 years on they are apart but friends, he does all he can for his ex and their girls and grand children.

I am often dumbfounded that the relationship ended, they both have other partners now yet remain good friends, support each other with family matters and he still gives her money although the youngest is way over child support age.

I wish I could claim the credit for this happy man, he will never have any money, although he works hard but he gives it all away and life has dealt him some harsh blows. Where does that steadfast example come from, his dad left us when he was 4 and hardly bothered to contact us at all after that. I was abysmal at the contact thing and became independent and contributed to the lack of contact.

I guess the right combination of people, can resolve their issues and keep the family spirit alive when the parenting relationship has gone. I wish I had been better at that.

Same happened to us ...ex ran off with the younger model .....then had twins, then another two ...my daughter (from our marriage) used to get dressed and wait by the window for her daddy to take her out for the day (she was 5),,,when he never turned up, with no excuse, I would tell her sorry, daddy must have been held up and try to find something to occupy her with until he did turn up, which often never happened. When she went to stay at his he would take out the woman and the children and buy them presents ...whilst our daughter just stood and watched. He never paid one penny for her maintenance and I used up all my savings paying her school fees until we could move miles away where I could afford to buy a house when she went to a state school. He never sent her a card on birthdays or at Christmas ...and wrongly, I always used to send one signed 'love daddy' as well as wrapping a pressi 'from daddy'....she never realised it was me that sent them ! Times were hard but we got through and she went to Uni and got her law degree ....now she has not spoken to me for ten years ,,,I think she has got back in touch with her father who has probably told her all kinds of lies about me ...I know he told everyone the CSA took the house to pay maitenance (a lie ....he was a compulsive gambler and the new house he bought on a huge mortgage, was repossessed because he never paid the mortgage .....I know this from a family member),,but he still told everyone I took all his money, My only consulation was years and years laterm the woman phoned me and asked me why I never told her he was a compulsive gambler ! After the repossession of the house he bought (a large old vicarage in a Suffolk village ...where I would have loved to live !) ....they all ended up in homeless accommodation, then got a large double council house after he lost his job fiddling expenses to fund the gambling ................SO don't lose heart ...sometimes it is a blessing in disguise when men disappear completely - but very sad for the child, Like a lot of children of divorce my daughter used to ask me if I blamed her ,,I told her many time no, I blame only the woman who knew us all before he ran off with her !......sad life ...and very difficult, but life does move on - difficult to believe now perhaps, but take courage ....and if they are divorced, or where ever marriedm your DD will have recourse through the courts ,,,I asked for an attachment to earnings order, but was told that since he had children under 2 he only had to pay 2 pounds a week .....which never materialised anyway ! I also asked for that amount to be taken off his benefits when he was sacked ....never saw that, either ! Good luck

It's all very sad for the kids and frustrating for the adults left to pick up the pieces.
My dd father (use the term loosely ) hasn't played any part in her upbringing, financial or otherwise. Sadly she always wanted a relationship with him. In the last few years she as an adult, can see him for what he really is, a sad old drunk with nothing and nobody.
Unfortunately my dgd father doesn't want to know her either! She's 5 and I have a shared custody arrangement with dd. She asks for her 'daddy' alot and I find it hard lying to her (she's been told he moved away) but I think she's too young to hear that actually he just doesn't care ?
I saw him the other week, I couldn't help but tell him he's a d***head! Probably not the best moment of my life but he's done nothing. He doesn't even pay for any money despite having a job.
It seems my dd & I don't have any luck picking the right men. I've decided now at 44 that I'd rather be single!

He is having his son for one day a week. Can DD make a point of mentioning how much her son loves seeing his dad, and how he enjoyed what they did together ( if that's true, of course)?

So sorry you are in this position. I am sure I read somewhere that a vast percentage of fathers are not in touch with their children after 5 years, its very sad .

Be careful what you wish for in case you get it! My daughter insisted that her ex had his son for two days each fortnight, even though he wasn't that interested. Fast forward three years and her son doesn't like going crys every time and it breaks her heart to make him go but his dad insists and it causes an upset every time. Married and in a stable loving relationship with another baby on the way she would give anything not to have to persuade her very reluctant son to spend time with his father.

Oh Norah. My daughter is in a position where none of the dads see or contribute. Her car, which we bought, we are having to pay to get through the mot and the tax plus top her up when she needs it for my grandchildren not too suffer. Men don't seem to have this inbuilt love and responsibility for their children. Not all of course. There are no consequences to their behaviour. It seems socially acceptable and the state will step in and parents. So many single mums and it's not easy bringing up children on your own. I stayed in my marriage for the children and just got on with it! I know how you feel but I am past it now. Nothing can be done so I just do my best.

norah551 I agree with you so much on that. We have had a horrendous few months with a son coming back to live with us with severe mental health and alcohol problems which are now hopefully on the mend. He has no job at present and basically without us he would have been in a hostel or on the streets which we couldn't have let happen. Now he is feeling better, his two boys come to stay most weekends and I am glad he has the contact with them but OMG the house looks like a war zone when they go. And as for the noise when they are here.... But we love them all and they are part of our family.

It's priorities all the time isn't it. I have 5 daughters, 2 still live at home . I will go out of my way everytime any one of them asks me for help- however big or small. It's how I was brought up & a trait I strive to continue. It's just very sad when you know that others priorities don't appear to be the same.

Why does a willy affect the brain?

My ex son in law wants my daughter to take a day off work to travel half way with my 3 grandkiddies on the 23rd December as that is the only day that is 'convenient' for him to come to collect them for Christmas (his turn this year). He has already told my daughter that they cannot stay at his (no reason provided), said they would be at his mother's (she knows nothing about this when my daughter spoke to her) and he expects my daughter to travel halfway to pick them up on the 30th (they should be home for New Year but are back at school on the 2nd so doesn't give them much time to settle back down at home again). He has also conveniently forgotten to mention that his new partner is now 5 months pregnant with their 2nd child (all over Facebook), they had a baby last year together and she already has 3 children of her own (possibly why his own children cannot stay at their house). My daughter has offered to bring the children on the 18th after they have broken up at school for the holidays but he doesn't want them then.

Obviously any money he does part with is of much use to my daughter but isn't it sad that that's where his only commitment seems to be. He's in a position to be able to take my gs here there & everywhere when the time is right for him but sit him down with paper crayons glitter & glue? Well it's just not going to happen. The simple things in life bring the most joy. When my gs went home yesterday my front room looked like there'd been an explosion in a glitter factory but how proud he was clutching his 'picture for mummy' to his chest. Made my heart melt ❤