Grandsons dad seems to be drifting away.

Hi Norah. I can understand your feelings of resentment.

I don't think there are any easy answers in this situation...

for you.

I understand your frustration norah551, some men seem to abdicate their responsibilities without a second thought. There isn't an easy answer as Grannyknot said, encouraging the father when he does visit rather than criticising, carrot rather than stick. Does seem unfair I know when it's something he should be doing anyway. Try not to dwell on the problems, enjoy your grandson and help your daughter, you are doing totally the right thing

Can your other 2 DDs help with the little one when he is there?

You are right to be fed up that this young man is shedding his responsibilities so casually. I am sure that your presence is a great help to your GC.

My daughters do what they can to help out & take off some of the pressure but at they're age 13 & 15 they're none to eager to assist with wiping noses or bums and I never expect too much from them tbh. Plus they've got their own interests & school work to contend with & I guess he almost fits into the role of the "annoying little brother" at times. They try they're best & I would never knock them for their efforts! They're great kids ?

I'm presuming that the father is relatively young and time spent with a new girlfriend is going to be a lot more enticing than a day with a two year old - even if it is his own two year old. Perhaps he will take more interest when the boy is older and can enjoy "boy" type outings.

If he's not around to help I hope he is contributing financially!

norah551 some men are useless at maintaining contact. I wish I could tell you that he will improve but I fear he won't. All I can say is you are seeing your DGS grow up and he is missing it all. You have the hard work but also the joy and the pleasure. Childhood is so short and they grow up so quickly. You will see your GS grow, become a teenager and then an adult and you will have all the memories. When you feel angry about the dad feel sorry for him as well. He might realise too late what he has missed.

He does contribute financially, credit where credit is due-I realise that some mothers & children don't always have this help at all .
Plus I do fear that he is getting his priorities wrong. I always try to see the best in people & have up until recently considered him a gracious & kind hearted young man. I'm seeing a different side to him these days & as has been mentioned many times, it's his loss. I feel such sadness by it especially as (different circumstances) I grew up never knowing my own dad, it's heartbreaking to think that if he carries on this way my gs will never get ti build that strong bond with his dad either.

I would get that contribution set in stone before he starts to forget that too. Sadly some men are quite capable of 'forgetting' that they have a child.

Obviously any money he does part with is of much use to my daughter but isn't it sad that that's where his only commitment seems to be. He's in a position to be able to take my gs here there & everywhere when the time is right for him but sit him down with paper crayons glitter & glue? Well it's just not going to happen. The simple things in life bring the most joy. When my gs went home yesterday my front room looked like there'd been an explosion in a glitter factory but how proud he was clutching his 'picture for mummy' to his chest. Made my heart melt ❤

My ex son in law wants my daughter to take a day off work to travel half way with my 3 grandkiddies on the 23rd December as that is the only day that is 'convenient' for him to come to collect them for Christmas (his turn this year). He has already told my daughter that they cannot stay at his (no reason provided), said they would be at his mother's (she knows nothing about this when my daughter spoke to her) and he expects my daughter to travel halfway to pick them up on the 30th (they should be home for New Year but are back at school on the 2nd so doesn't give them much time to settle back down at home again). He has also conveniently forgotten to mention that his new partner is now 5 months pregnant with their 2nd child (all over Facebook), they had a baby last year together and she already has 3 children of her own (possibly why his own children cannot stay at their house). My daughter has offered to bring the children on the 18th after they have broken up at school for the holidays but he doesn't want them then.

Why does a willy affect the brain?

It's priorities all the time isn't it. I have 5 daughters, 2 still live at home . I will go out of my way everytime any one of them asks me for help- however big or small. It's how I was brought up & a trait I strive to continue. It's just very sad when you know that others priorities don't appear to be the same.

norah551 I agree with you so much on that. We have had a horrendous few months with a son coming back to live with us with severe mental health and alcohol problems which are now hopefully on the mend. He has no job at present and basically without us he would have been in a hostel or on the streets which we couldn't have let happen. Now he is feeling better, his two boys come to stay most weekends and I am glad he has the contact with them but OMG the house looks like a war zone when they go. And as for the noise when they are here.... But we love them all and they are part of our family.

Oh Norah. My daughter is in a position where none of the dads see or contribute. Her car, which we bought, we are having to pay to get through the mot and the tax plus top her up when she needs it for my grandchildren not too suffer. Men don't seem to have this inbuilt love and responsibility for their children. Not all of course. There are no consequences to their behaviour. It seems socially acceptable and the state will step in and parents. So many single mums and it's not easy bringing up children on your own. I stayed in my marriage for the children and just got on with it! I know how you feel but I am past it now. Nothing can be done so I just do my best.

Be careful what you wish for in case you get it! My daughter insisted that her ex had his son for two days each fortnight, even though he wasn't that interested. Fast forward three years and her son doesn't like going crys every time and it breaks her heart to make him go but his dad insists and it causes an upset every time. Married and in a stable loving relationship with another baby on the way she would give anything not to have to persuade her very reluctant son to spend time with his father.

So sorry you are in this position. I am sure I read somewhere that a vast percentage of fathers are not in touch with their children after 5 years, its very sad .

He is having his son for one day a week. Can DD make a point of mentioning how much her son loves seeing his dad, and how he enjoyed what they did together ( if that's true, of course)?

It's all very sad for the kids and frustrating for the adults left to pick up the pieces.
My dd father (use the term loosely ) hasn't played any part in her upbringing, financial or otherwise. Sadly she always wanted a relationship with him. In the last few years she as an adult, can see him for what he really is, a sad old drunk with nothing and nobody.
Unfortunately my dgd father doesn't want to know her either! She's 5 and I have a shared custody arrangement with dd. She asks for her 'daddy' alot and I find it hard lying to her (she's been told he moved away) but I think she's too young to hear that actually he just doesn't care ?
I saw him the other week, I couldn't help but tell him he's a d***head! Probably not the best moment of my life but he's done nothing. He doesn't even pay for any money despite having a job.
It seems my dd & I don't have any luck picking the right men. I've decided now at 44 that I'd rather be single!

Same happened to us ...ex ran off with the younger model .....then had twins, then another two ...my daughter (from our marriage) used to get dressed and wait by the window for her daddy to take her out for the day (she was 5),,,when he never turned up, with no excuse, I would tell her sorry, daddy must have been held up and try to find something to occupy her with until he did turn up, which often never happened. When she went to stay at his he would take out the woman and the children and buy them presents ...whilst our daughter just stood and watched. He never paid one penny for her maintenance and I used up all my savings paying her school fees until we could move miles away where I could afford to buy a house when she went to a state school. He never sent her a card on birthdays or at Christmas ...and wrongly, I always used to send one signed 'love daddy' as well as wrapping a pressi 'from daddy'....she never realised it was me that sent them ! Times were hard but we got through and she went to Uni and got her law degree ....now she has not spoken to me for ten years ,,,I think she has got back in touch with her father who has probably told her all kinds of lies about me ...I know he told everyone the CSA took the house to pay maitenance (a lie ....he was a compulsive gambler and the new house he bought on a huge mortgage, was repossessed because he never paid the mortgage .....I know this from a family member),,but he still told everyone I took all his money, My only consulation was years and years laterm the woman phoned me and asked me why I never told her he was a compulsive gambler ! After the repossession of the house he bought (a large old vicarage in a Suffolk village ...where I would have loved to live !) ....they all ended up in homeless accommodation, then got a large double council house after he lost his job fiddling expenses to fund the gambling ................SO don't lose heart ...sometimes it is a blessing in disguise when men disappear completely - but very sad for the child, Like a lot of children of divorce my daughter used to ask me if I blamed her ,,I told her many time no, I blame only the woman who knew us all before he ran off with her !......sad life ...and very difficult, but life does move on - difficult to believe now perhaps, but take courage ....and if they are divorced, or where ever marriedm your DD will have recourse through the courts ,,,I asked for an attachment to earnings order, but was told that since he had children under 2 he only had to pay 2 pounds a week .....which never materialised anyway ! I also asked for that amount to be taken off his benefits when he was sacked ....never saw that, either ! Good luck

Some men find it impossible to put the kids first when the relationship ends. My on met a woman when he was 16, she had 2 children and they then had 2 more of their own. 24 years on they are apart but friends, he does all he can for his ex and their girls and grand children.

I am often dumbfounded that the relationship ended, they both have other partners now yet remain good friends, support each other with family matters and he still gives her money although the youngest is way over child support age.

I wish I could claim the credit for this happy man, he will never have any money, although he works hard but he gives it all away and life has dealt him some harsh blows. Where does that steadfast example come from, his dad left us when he was 4 and hardly bothered to contact us at all after that. I was abysmal at the contact thing and became independent and contributed to the lack of contact.

I guess the right combination of people, can resolve their issues and keep the family spirit alive when the parenting relationship has gone. I wish I had been better at that.

Norah551 - you sound like a truly marvellous mother and grandmother and all round good egg of a human being. I think Gransnet is a good place to vent and know that others will sympathise.

my son has his daughter half of each week ,they stay with us since he and her mother split when the wee one was 18 months ,SHE was seeing someone else behind his back while he worked 70 hours a week to keep them,she didn't want to go back to work ,but she didn't want to do anything other than sit on her rearend every day and he did the housework and looked after the baby when he finished his shifts.It happens BOTH ways ,my son was so distraught when the relationship ended he tried to commit suicide ,it took a long time for him to stop feeling he had failed his family ,and last year he met a lovely girl who adores his daughter and they are talking about getting a place together .I feel sad about the number of girls left to fend for themselves but I wonder why they dont stop at ONE baby if they're on their own .Its not hard to see that it will be more difficult with more children .

Norah, if it was my SIL I would be glad to see the back of him! I know he should help out, but he obviously is not interested, who is the loser here?

He sounds like a selfish piece of work who only thinks of himself. How you can be like that when a child needs you I do not know.

Think of all the lovely times you have together with your little grandson and be thankful. Some grandmas out there would be more than happy to be able to spend whole days with their grandchildren. Be happy in the knowledge that your GS will grow up knowing he has at least one person who loves him without question ie YOU!

My DD's father left me when she was 4 (for an older woman!!!!), he was bad at contact but I refused to say a bad word about him. I got Custody of DD & was awarded 5p a year for her - I didn't want anything but Solicitor advised an order for maintenance as it could always be increased - never asked for or received a penny.

Contact remained sporadic - when I met DH we moved 250 miles South, she was never fully reconciled with him even when he was dying from cancer, she viewed my DH as a father & adored him

Norah little you can do, sounds like you're doing a fantastic job of supporting your family - buy your DH a pair of ear defenders when you fancy a rant (tongue firmly in cheek)