I'm a new nana, and have problems with DIL. We got on great until the baby was born.

Which post are you replying to with that question?

I think that you should not have the baby without his mother present. My daughter's MIL wanted the baby left with her for one afternoon a week and she was very resentful when this was politely declined. Inside my daughter was ready to rip her head off and I had quite a time calming her down. My daughter kept saying he's my baby not hers and I don't want him taken away even for a few minutes. I understood and had to tell my counterpart that she wasn't having him. I sugared the pill by saying that they were welcome to visit but to let me know since we may be busy. My daughter also lives with me along with her husband. So my recommendation is to retire quietly. Tell the baby's mother that you're very sorry that you've upset her. Tell her that she is the baby's mother and that it is entirely up to her as to who gets to visit her son. Perhaps this granny could buy some sleepsuits in a larger size as a present.

Am I the only one who finds it a bit odd that a gran seems desperate to take a small baby out on their own. I certainly didn't want my MiL taking my newborn away, I wanted to keep him close all the time. With my own GC I would babysit of course if asked, but I would rather see my GC with their families ( my family as well).

I agree that it sounds like DIL is suffering from PND or at least is depressed about her living arrangements. Her mum's attitude isn't helping either. I remember when mine were little, I wouldn't let them out of my sight and the only person I would leave them with was my mum, but then only very briefly. I remember my SIL volunteering to babysit, I was horrified and felt like she wanted to kidnap my baby! Just continue to let her know you will be there whenever needed and sit back and wait. Try to get your son to get her to see a doctor.

One of my DIL's couldn't cope when we visited (3 hours drive) and I offered to take the baby for a walk- at the time, her anxiety was so great that she couldn't cope with the baby being out of her sight. Everything fine now.

Your situation sounds difficult all round and I understand your hurt feelings. I'm guessing there are a lot of termoil and hurt feelings for your son and DIL too. You say they are living with DIL parents and that her dad displays dismissive and rude behaviour to you and your younger son. I'd be asking myself WHAT does S & DIL have to deal with every day? What behaviour, silence, words, atmosphere, messages are they dealing with. Spoken and un-spoken messages such as disapproval - you should do it my way - don't do it or that and so on. All this is hard to deal with as I'm sure you know from your own experience. DIL is dealing with figuring out being a new mum, living in her parents house, trying to please them or just keep the peace where she is living and juggling a relationship with your son, he's juggling all these feelings too. Sadly you and GS can be sticks to beat your S & DIL with. Someone suggested taking DIL out for a break, nice idea if it can be done and may be find out just how hard it is for her and your S to navigate life where they are living. May be you can find a way to help you and them feel less hurt as you clearly care very much. Good luck xxx

It sounds to me like the heart of the problem is the other Grandparents. There sounds like an awful lot of disapproval coming from them - the Father ignoring you and your 8 year old, the Mother not willing to do anything for the GC.

If you're Son and DIL are living in such an unhelpful and hostile environment it must be extremely difficult for them. Maybe your DIL just doesn't want to 'rock the boat' as they live there. It can be very difficult trying to please demanding parents - believe me, I know. Plus, your Son and DIL are maybe simply being 'compliant' as they're worried about the roof over their heads. It's tough imposing on people for long periods no matter how well you get on. It's possible that when you come along, if the parents disapprove of this (reasonable or not), the younger parents have to choose sides. It's not necessarily personal towards you.

You could of course approach the Grandparents or DIL and ask what their problem with you is? However, it's possible that could start a war from which it would be difficult to recover from.

Other than that, it's maybe a better idea to 'wait it out' and do what you can to help find them a place of their own (if that's what they want).

I hope that things settle for you.

This is an interesting dynamic that I have a good deal of experience with . . . not just with my own family but that of clients that I have dealt with.
If a Mom has not got a good dynamic with her own mother in the first place . . . when that Mom has a baby a whole load of issues seem to come into play. The Mom is still wishing/praying for all these things that she never got from her own mother . . . she perhaps privately hoped that when she had her baby her mother might swing into things and finally be the mother she wanted her to be. When this does not happen . . . it does not matter who else is sweet and kind and thoughtful to her . . . she resents it deeply . . . she wants it from her own mother. Someone else being kind and sweet and supportive instead of her own mother, in her eyes . . . just seems to make everything so much worse. The resentment to the kind sweet supportive person is very real and tangible.
Once you can try to see this Nanahana it might help you to observe things from a slightly different perspective.
It can and does change over time as it has done in my case.
I too at points felt like throwing in the towel, but eventually just kept up being sweet and kind and supportive when I could . . . but a little bit staying in the background.
Eventually the Mom realises and eventually over time appreciates what you do for her little family and things get better . . . as to be honest she is not getting that kind of love and support anywhere else/and may never achieve that i.e. not from her own family.
So hang in there for your son and your grandchild and for Mom who is going through it all at the moment.
If you were good before . . . that hasn't gone away for good . . . it could well return. We can never underestimate how terribly useful us grandparents are to our sons and daughters and our grandchildren

A baby for a first time mother can be quite traumatic and hormones are all over the place Give DIL time. Did you send her a card of congratulations. Let your son know you are there for them and leave the rest to new mum as hard it might be for you to take it on board.

You are not the sort of Nana that says 'You do it this way' are you? New Mothers are very touchy about that. Let her make her own mistakes and she will thank you for it. Only give advice when it is asked for. If she is suffering from some sort of depression then I think maybe her husband could mention a visit to the doctors, but don't you say anything or it could be awkward for you. Invite her round to yours and make a fuss of them. Don't say you are not coming round to her parents anymore, just say you thought she would appreciate a change of scenery. That might work.k

Well if I were in your position I would do as your partner says and stay away. Why the hostility? Who knows. When she eventually finds it all too much and asks why you no longer take the baby you can tell her about the things you posted above and ask what it is that has upset her. I wouldn't put up with that myself. Remember though that all this is new to your dil. Tell her she is always welcome to call at your house with the baby and that you love them both. Maybe a letter could convey that to her? Maybe her parents have said something to her about you going round to their house? Maybe something has been said that was taken the wrong way? Tell your son why you don't call round anymore too.

If it was PND she would want rid of the baby and would try to get rid at any time. She might have PNA which instead of depression is anxiety.

Maybe her parents are aware of how their DD feels about you having the baby? If you have tried from the start to get time with the baby alone or want to have the baby. When you said you wanted the baby to come to you, did you mean just the baby? Or your DIL too? If her parents are aware of this that might be why they seem abit off with you?

Maybe your DIL doesn't want a break from her baby, maybe she just wants someone to sit with him while she has a shower or a meal. Theres a huge difference between watching/visiting her and taking the baby away for a few hours, especially if she is experiencing some sort of PND/PNA. If you was friends before the baby then go back to being friends not just getting at the baby.

Hi, personally, I don't think there's a whole lot of grown up communication going on here. Your son said it's fine for you to take the baby...and now your daughter in law has changed her mind? Why? If she can't say why, could your son? I think you need to stay out of her own family stuff and ask your son if you can infact have weekly contact with the baby or not. If he says it's ok...take it that it is...collect the baby and take him back with minimal contact with the others if necessary. I wouldn't question anything else too much. I know it's far from ideal but you deserve a little time with the baby and you don't need all the hassle of everything else. Even if you think that sadly, your daughter in law is unwell, she has many other adults around who can/should support her...and at the end if the day, I expect she does at some level, appreciate some time for herself when you go there.

It was the same here Nanahana with my DIL. Our wonderful relationship seems to have suffered enormously since the birth of my GS and it has put my son into an awkward situation because he would like things back the way they were. I have felt terribly hurt but have tried not to show it most of the time. Things are slightly different now as she has returned to work and I look after the baby once a week but I am terrified I will do something wrong which will give her the excuse to say I can't have him any more. My son and I have discussed it and he says he won't let that happen but I don't want to be a point of conflict between them. I'm hoping if I can keep my head down, things will eventually return to normal.

Keep the contact you have and hopefully as your grandchild grows older and your DiL feels more confident things will ease up. However it is always difficult for a young couple to live in a parent's house and it seems that there are quite a lot of rules your DiLs mother has put in place to protect herself.

Just keep going as you are an hope things get better. Good Luck.

Maybe it's post natal depression. Perhaps you could buy a gift for her instead of for the baby. Let her know that she is valued as well.

It does seem as if your DIL is suffering from som sort of PND especially if you got on ok before baby arrived. I would carry on trying to keep in contact with her regardless of whether you see your GS or not. You just have to keep trying to be supportive without interfering.

She is just settling in to being a mum, I would let her get on with that and wait until she asks for help.

Her parents may well not be thrilled at having a baby in the house and are wise, to tell her it is her baby and she has to get on with it.

I am sure she will change in time. Your son has a role to play in all this of course, perhaps her parents blame him for the baby arriving when he has no home to offer their daughter?

He needs to man up a bit and make sure his child is raised in a way he wants too, however if they are living in someone else's house he is compromised perhaps in that.

I see the same thing here time after time, 'a son is a son till he takes him a wife etc'. It is generally the girl's parents who are closer to her and then the babies, that seems to be the way of things.

My problem was my daughters partner who is a lazy good for nothing who has never given my daughter support/money/ love.

7 years ago he tried to stop me seeing GD you can imagine the rows and sleepless nights, even calls to solicitors. However, now he is only to delighted when GD and GS leave the flat the two of them are hard work and he cannot cope! Whereas they are fine with me . Hang on in Hananana

DIL obviously not a happy bunny at the moment. Step back, chill out and focus on trying to build supportive relationship with the baby's parents.
I know it is hard but so is parenthood. Millions of grandparents are never allowed time alone with their grandkids, or it's just not practical for geographical reasons.
Or if we are allowed to take them out on their own, it's not until they are much older and not babies any more.

grannypiper sound advice - Mum is just as important as baby if not more so. Once you become a Mum people often don't see you as a person anymore & focus on baby. Take your lead from Mum even if it means less contact - could you Nanahana, invite your DiL & DGC out for coffee/walk in Park etc so you can have time with both away from her Family ??

It sounds to me as if your DIL's parents resent them being there and your DIL could be suffering from postnatal depression.
It could be it has nothing directly to do with you but you are caught in the middle. Maybe you could arrange to go out with her, with or without the baby, like you used to do.
Such a pity they can't get their own place to live. I know what it is like living with parents when you are married. It leads to all sorts of tension.

Nana sound like she doesnt know what she wants and just maybe she feels that you dont want to see her and only want the baby, my daughter felt a bit like that when my first DGC was born. Ask her if she would like to go for a coffee without the baby, and when you phone ask how she is before you ask about the baby, new mums can feel very invisible. Deep breath

I too think the word "having" is significant. And I also see your dilemma in that visiting where they are living (rather than taking him out) feels stressful. But the bottom line is that it is not your child and you must do what the parents want - full stop. I did not look after or take out any of my DGC until the parents requested it. There was no question of me asking for this or, worse still, veering towards demanding it.

I know it feel tough to you, but you have no rights and you just have to be there when needed, if you are available.

It sounds like your DIL didn't want you to take the baby in the first place and your son sorted it all. Shes tried it and doesn't feel comfortable.

You dont like going to their house which is fine and she doesn't like you taking the baby. Which is also fine. She shouldn't be forced to do something she isn't comfortable with, just like you.

Could you invite them both over to your house? Why doesn't she like the baby going over to anyones house?